Before!!

Monday, August 31, 2009

I am the dream catcher

I woke up this morning still dreaming, leaping out of bed and flailing my arms. That's a lot of motion for an old, arthritic woman at 6am!!

You see, in my dream I was in a type of cart on wheels with a lot of my friends and family. I was controlling the cart by throwing my body weight from one side to the other to take the curves. We were on a big bridge over water (which is a very good place for a bridge!), and we were also very high up in the air. Very high up. I rounded one corner and noticed loose boards so threw my weight to the left. It was really fun. I could actually feel my tummy dip when we went down the big hills. I could feel the breeze on my face as we were going really fast. I was having fun! I yelled back to all on board that I'd navigated that obstacle to perfection. We then went up a big hill and I prepared to throw my weight to the right for the corner. The hill was very steep and it peaked at the top and even though I threw my weight to the right, we still plummeted off the peak of the bridge and started falling to our death below. You see, I grew up in Michigan with the knowledge of the making of the Mackinac bridge and I knew that if you fell from a great height, and this was a great height, it would be like hitting cement and not water.

I woke up before I hit bottom.

There were two other dreams I remember also from last night. One time I was in quicksand and couldn't get out. I woke up before I went all the way under. The other time I was searching and searching for something and I couldn't find it. My friends and family were always with me. I woke up before I found what I was looking for. It doesn't take a psychoanalyst to tell me what these dreams mean.

I'm spiraling out of control in two aspects of my life. I did, however, wake up before hitting bottom. My friends and family are always with me. Your comments to my last post have supported that theory. I love you guys. Still not getting on that horse with Fat Daddy though...we'd kill that bugger dead!

Money for one. We'd hoped this summer would find us working for savings. Taking all the money we both earn and just socking it in the bank for a cushion. What we hoped for, and what we got, were two different things. We haven't even caught up this summer yet. We've curbed our spending drastically. We did no gifts for Christmas, birthdays etc. We only took the 5th wheel out twice and then only 80 miles away. Many other cuts we made, not necessary to go into here. The economy is bad right now and we're more fortunate than most for sure, but we have our worries. A lot of them. The trip to Florida is costly with hotels and dining out etc. We're going to Wisconsin in a few weeks to visit my second son. That's more hotels, dining out etc. Don't even get me started on the price of diesel right now! Rotten sons a bitches raised diesel 50 cents more a gallon than regular. Assholes. I would have called them fucking cocksuckers but I'm trying not to swear as much on my blog. October brings property tax, car insurance, house insurance, rent for the place in FL, and the list goes on! Someone stop the ride, I want off!

You all know what the second one is. It's my diet and exercise. It's definitely on a roller coaster ride at the moment. I woke up this morning knowing that has to come to a screeching halt. I am always quick with the advice for people and then I don't take my own advice. Physician heal thyself for sure! I received a comment on my last blog post from this guy this morning. He very simply told me what I tell everyone else that's struggling. Take baby steps. Holy shit I tell that to every single person that's having a rough time. Did it ever occur to me to heed my own advice? Ah no. DOH! Sometimes I really feel like smacking myself in the forehead...really hard!

So, what am I going to do about these problems so I can get a good night's sleep? Well, as any woman my age knows you never really get a good nights sleep, but I'd like one where I only woke up 20 times but always went back to sleep! The last few nights I've been waking up (after a dream of course) around 3am and laying wide awake until 6am or so. Well, here's what I'm going to do.

I'm going to take baby steps.

Money woes. We'd planned to come home in December this year. My daughter in law is graduating from college December 19. We thought it would be an excellent time for a family get together. My middle son just moved to Wisconsin and they could come home. My baby lives in Miami and he and his gorgeous girlfriend (that I'm SO hoping will be my next daughter in law!!!) could fly home with us. We just aren't going to be able to do that. With flight tickets, car rental, meals, gifts, and oh yes, TBM taking time off work, we just can't do it. Do I feel bad? Hell yes I feel bad. Only for one person. My gorgeous daughter in law that is graduating. You see, my second son would have had trouble getting home anyway. It's a long drive, two babies, new job etc. My baby would have had to fork out money for tickets home also. But Tara, to miss her graduation, it kills me. I actually have tears falling down my face right now thinking about it. She worked so hard. She's been going to school and being a wife and a mom of an 18th month old. I don't know how the hell she does it! I'm so proud of her I could spit. I love her as if she were my own daughter so to miss my own daughters graduation...you see the guilt aspect here??? We just can't do it though. Plain and simple. Heavy sigh.

Diet and exercise. Taking Emmett's advice, I'm going to begin today taking baby steps to get me back on program. It's work that's killing me...all that food and I'm just weak. I just need to hold out for 11 more days. My last day of work is Sept 10. So, until then, I'm going to try to maintain my weight. I'm going to try to not over indulge in things. Moderation is going to be my goal. I will do the following every single day.

1. Eat 5 fruit and veg
2. Drink all my water
3. Get all 3 of my milks in daily
4. Make sure I get enough fiber (not in scarfing fiber one bars either!!)
5. Move my fat ass even if it's only for 10 minutes. NO, walking 5 miles at work does NOT count toward this!!!
6. Make time to read the blogs that inspire me so much. So, I'm sitting, it's important to me. To my mental health. It makes me happy.

I will NOT go back to 200 pounds. If I do, I'll go back to 300 pounds, and then to 400. I will not allow myself to do that. I've worked too hard to get where I am. I might be old, but I'm tough and I can do what needs to be done.

It's not going to be easy. It is do-able. I shall do it.

My very good friend Rosanna says 'So it is written, it shall be done.'

It is written.

:-)

4 comments:

  1. It absolutely is do-able. And you have proved to all of us, and yourself that you are a get it done woman! You just take one thing at a time, and it will be fine.

    We too had hoped to save money this summer, but instead, right NOW, we are pouring money into the dirt. New septic system required. I could cry.

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  2. You are a woman with a mission! You can do it Debby! I know its not easy when other things in life get tough, but baby steps are a great way to get started. :)

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  3. love a woman with a plan. go get em!

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  4. I'm all about baby steps and moderation! Glad to see you have a nod to your mental health in your plan, too :) It's something that we all too often ignore.

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