Before!!

Monday, August 31, 2009

I am the dream catcher

I woke up this morning still dreaming, leaping out of bed and flailing my arms. That's a lot of motion for an old, arthritic woman at 6am!!

You see, in my dream I was in a type of cart on wheels with a lot of my friends and family. I was controlling the cart by throwing my body weight from one side to the other to take the curves. We were on a big bridge over water (which is a very good place for a bridge!), and we were also very high up in the air. Very high up. I rounded one corner and noticed loose boards so threw my weight to the left. It was really fun. I could actually feel my tummy dip when we went down the big hills. I could feel the breeze on my face as we were going really fast. I was having fun! I yelled back to all on board that I'd navigated that obstacle to perfection. We then went up a big hill and I prepared to throw my weight to the right for the corner. The hill was very steep and it peaked at the top and even though I threw my weight to the right, we still plummeted off the peak of the bridge and started falling to our death below. You see, I grew up in Michigan with the knowledge of the making of the Mackinac bridge and I knew that if you fell from a great height, and this was a great height, it would be like hitting cement and not water.

I woke up before I hit bottom.

There were two other dreams I remember also from last night. One time I was in quicksand and couldn't get out. I woke up before I went all the way under. The other time I was searching and searching for something and I couldn't find it. My friends and family were always with me. I woke up before I found what I was looking for. It doesn't take a psychoanalyst to tell me what these dreams mean.

I'm spiraling out of control in two aspects of my life. I did, however, wake up before hitting bottom. My friends and family are always with me. Your comments to my last post have supported that theory. I love you guys. Still not getting on that horse with Fat Daddy though...we'd kill that bugger dead!

Money for one. We'd hoped this summer would find us working for savings. Taking all the money we both earn and just socking it in the bank for a cushion. What we hoped for, and what we got, were two different things. We haven't even caught up this summer yet. We've curbed our spending drastically. We did no gifts for Christmas, birthdays etc. We only took the 5th wheel out twice and then only 80 miles away. Many other cuts we made, not necessary to go into here. The economy is bad right now and we're more fortunate than most for sure, but we have our worries. A lot of them. The trip to Florida is costly with hotels and dining out etc. We're going to Wisconsin in a few weeks to visit my second son. That's more hotels, dining out etc. Don't even get me started on the price of diesel right now! Rotten sons a bitches raised diesel 50 cents more a gallon than regular. Assholes. I would have called them fucking cocksuckers but I'm trying not to swear as much on my blog. October brings property tax, car insurance, house insurance, rent for the place in FL, and the list goes on! Someone stop the ride, I want off!

You all know what the second one is. It's my diet and exercise. It's definitely on a roller coaster ride at the moment. I woke up this morning knowing that has to come to a screeching halt. I am always quick with the advice for people and then I don't take my own advice. Physician heal thyself for sure! I received a comment on my last blog post from this guy this morning. He very simply told me what I tell everyone else that's struggling. Take baby steps. Holy shit I tell that to every single person that's having a rough time. Did it ever occur to me to heed my own advice? Ah no. DOH! Sometimes I really feel like smacking myself in the forehead...really hard!

So, what am I going to do about these problems so I can get a good night's sleep? Well, as any woman my age knows you never really get a good nights sleep, but I'd like one where I only woke up 20 times but always went back to sleep! The last few nights I've been waking up (after a dream of course) around 3am and laying wide awake until 6am or so. Well, here's what I'm going to do.

I'm going to take baby steps.

Money woes. We'd planned to come home in December this year. My daughter in law is graduating from college December 19. We thought it would be an excellent time for a family get together. My middle son just moved to Wisconsin and they could come home. My baby lives in Miami and he and his gorgeous girlfriend (that I'm SO hoping will be my next daughter in law!!!) could fly home with us. We just aren't going to be able to do that. With flight tickets, car rental, meals, gifts, and oh yes, TBM taking time off work, we just can't do it. Do I feel bad? Hell yes I feel bad. Only for one person. My gorgeous daughter in law that is graduating. You see, my second son would have had trouble getting home anyway. It's a long drive, two babies, new job etc. My baby would have had to fork out money for tickets home also. But Tara, to miss her graduation, it kills me. I actually have tears falling down my face right now thinking about it. She worked so hard. She's been going to school and being a wife and a mom of an 18th month old. I don't know how the hell she does it! I'm so proud of her I could spit. I love her as if she were my own daughter so to miss my own daughters graduation...you see the guilt aspect here??? We just can't do it though. Plain and simple. Heavy sigh.

Diet and exercise. Taking Emmett's advice, I'm going to begin today taking baby steps to get me back on program. It's work that's killing me...all that food and I'm just weak. I just need to hold out for 11 more days. My last day of work is Sept 10. So, until then, I'm going to try to maintain my weight. I'm going to try to not over indulge in things. Moderation is going to be my goal. I will do the following every single day.

1. Eat 5 fruit and veg
2. Drink all my water
3. Get all 3 of my milks in daily
4. Make sure I get enough fiber (not in scarfing fiber one bars either!!)
5. Move my fat ass even if it's only for 10 minutes. NO, walking 5 miles at work does NOT count toward this!!!
6. Make time to read the blogs that inspire me so much. So, I'm sitting, it's important to me. To my mental health. It makes me happy.

I will NOT go back to 200 pounds. If I do, I'll go back to 300 pounds, and then to 400. I will not allow myself to do that. I've worked too hard to get where I am. I might be old, but I'm tough and I can do what needs to be done.

It's not going to be easy. It is do-able. I shall do it.

My very good friend Rosanna says 'So it is written, it shall be done.'

It is written.

:-)

Saturday, August 29, 2009

The post with no name

I have no idea where to begin here. Lots and lots of things running through my mind. That is a dangerous thing!!

I've got a peanut butter cake cooling on the counter to take to work tomorrow. I plan to eat a lot of it.

A girl I work with brought no bake cookies to work today. I ate a lot of them.

They had my favorite pizza on the pizza buffet on Monday. I ate a lot of it.

I was hungry for hot dogs and mac and cheese. I fixed it for dinner last night. I ate a lot of it.

I baked awesome zucchini bread. I ate a lot of it.

Sensing a trend here?

I gained some pounds at my WI on Thursday. A lot of them! 5 to be exact.

Has the madness stopped? Nope.

Will it? Yep.

Do I know when? Nope.

Have I exercised in the last month or more? Nope.

Will I? Yep.

Do I know when? Nope.

Sighhh just when I thought I had it down pat.

:-)

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Hello, my name is Debby

And I'm a recipeaholic.

TBM and I collect cookbooks. At least, we used to. I made us stop a few years ago. OK, so I made him stop. I still manage to add to the pile now and then! Always a Weight Watcher or light cooking book these days though, so that doesn't count...right??

Oh, it was a harmless enough addiction. After all, we have a HUGE home with lots of room to put them. We would like 'have' to turn into 'had' in the near future though! I never took a count of the collection, and we've gotten rid of a ton already. At one time we had 4 very large bookcases full of cookbooks, not to mention the ones in the tall oak cabinet by the kitchen. Oh, and the ones packing the four large end tables storage space. Oh, and the ones in the bedroom...don't even ask.

I also tear recipes out of magazines. Yes, I am one of those people.

My goal this summer was twofold. I was going to go through all the photographs I have in huge tubs. I planned to sort them, discard the duplicates, give away the ones I don't want and scan the ones I want to keep to my external hard drive. Oh yes, and make a disc copy also for back up. Ya, that didn't happen.

My second goal was to go through all my Weight Watcher and light cooking cookbooks and select the recipes I was interested in. I planned to scan the recipes, insert them into page protectors, and organize them in a pretty, pink, 3 ring binder I bought for the process. Um, that didn't happen either!

You might wonder why I want to do that. I mean, I've got them all in books, why bother? Well, some of you might not know that TBM and I are trailer trash in Florida for 8 months of the year. Oh ya, we're of the snowbird species. God I love it there! We're leaving in 25 days, in case you were wondering. Space is limited in our park model with attached lanai in Florida. Last year I had a huge Rubbermaid tub full of cookbooks & folders with torn out recipes. It's heavy and it takes up a lot of space. It went down there, and it came back to Michigan. With a mate! Oh yes, instead of condensing my collection, I added to it! Father forgive me for I have sinned, actually I plan to sin, but I'm buying a new cookbook tonight at Weight Watchers too!!! Heather made me do it! Did I mention we're meeting Heather on our way to Florida??? We are! I'm pumped!

So, my being the list maker that I am, have made a page for all the 25 days before we leave. I've started inserting tasks that need to be done on those pages. Yesterday, I hovered over the notebook, and finally, with shaky hand, wrote on each of 10 of the days 'scan and store 20 recipes'.

I changed my mind just now, however, about the scanning. I've decided to collect the torn out recipes I think I want to try and tape them to printer paper. I will then insert that into the page protectors. I can group the recipes, taping several to one sheet of paper, front and back. I'll tape them lightly, then if they suck, I can remove them from the page. I thought it was a brilliant plan. I'd be able to have the notebook right there when I cook, and being as all the recipes would be inside page protectors, if I slop, I can just wipe it off. Brilliant.

Problem? I've just realized that I have a whole entire drawer full of torn out and hand written recipes. They're not all Weight Watcher or light cooking recipes. So, now I'm starving to death & drooling, and it's not even 7am!

How will all this benefit you? I plan to share the recipes that I like. There, how's that??

So, looking at the page in the 'to do' notebook today, I see the following:

* Winterize the 5th wheel
* Scan 20 recipes
* Go to Weight Watchers and take it in the butt for the uncontrolled eating you participated in 3 days this week.


I'll talk to you tomorrow about the uncontrolled food fest I had several days this week. One addiction at a time. Right now, it's recipes.

I need my fix man!!!

:-)

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Voila!

Hey there boys and girls! Look up! I finally, with the help of my friend Ian, got my slideshow up. I'll change it in a while as I want to add some more pictures.

I have a lot of other pictures in a file somewhere that I want to add. I feel those are important as they're of me having fun. Yes, I was fat, but I always had fun. You'll see me in bathing suits. I know a lot of you won't put on a bathing suit. I always did. I had self confidence even when I was fatter. Oh yes, I knew I looked like shit, and I always felt some embarassment, but I never, ever, ever let it stop me from 'doing'. Water parks? You bet your ass. Beaches? Love them! Amusment parks...let me at them! I did it all. I loved it all too. I'll let you know when those pictures have been added.

I never felt self loathing. Oh I wanted to be thin, and sometimes I'd cry out of frustration, but I never hated myself ever. I always found something to like. I love my eyes. My hair back then was really soft. So I was fat, I had awesome jewelery. You know? Just find something you love, and focus on that. Don't focus on what you hate. Hating is bad. It'll eat you up from the inside out.

I never blamed anyone but myself for my fat. Yes, my parents didn't know squat about nutrition. Yes, they let me eat wrong when I was a child. After that, it was all my own fault. I ate, I got fat. Depression? No, never. Bad childhood? Hardly! Nobody made me fat but myself. Nobody forced food down my throat and made me swallow. Nope, I chose to do that all by myself. Why? Because I'm a spoiled princess and I never learned the word 'no'. I wanted it, I had it. Plain and simple. That's the hardest thing I'm still having to get over.

I would cry in high school as of course I wanted a date and never had one. It's all good now. Had I dated in high school, I'd have never met TBM. What a shame that would have been! Oh the joy, the excitement, the first day we met. I was at a bar with my sister in law. Den came over and asked me to dance. To my favorite song. I was in heaven! The fat girl never got to dance!!! He came to our table, sat down, bought me a drink even and chatted with both of us. A while later, he asked me for my phone number. Wow what a rush that was! Would he call? Oh I hoped he would. He was sweet and kind, and he danced with the fat girl! The smile I went to bed with that night...dreaming of his phone call. Yep, had I dated in high school, none of that would have happened.

He called.

I'm still smiling.

:-)

Monday, August 24, 2009

Help me!

Nothing exciting to say tonight. Still hangin in there.

I have a problem. I scanned a bunch of before pictures and I want to put a slide show on my blog. I'm not having any luck. I put them on photobucket and thought that would be easy as they have a direct link...um that didn't work. I tried using picasa...no joy there either. Anyone know how to get a slide show on the blog?

Thanks!

:-)

Sunday, August 23, 2009

A persevering Pixie

"Perseverance is the hard work you do after you get tired of doing the hard work you already did." Newt Gingrich

Whether or not I agree with his political views, those words sure hit home to me when I read them a few minutes ago. OK, so I might have been reading the Readers Digest while sitting on the toilet, but hey, I have many ephiphical moments there. No pun intended!

I'm struggling to beat the band here. My body wants to remain at 190 pounds and I don't want it to. I've read in the past that our body has set points...a point where it is happy and wishes to remain. My body wished to remain at 240 pounds for about 10 years. It then gained 10 pounds without my consent. I lost that 10 pounds, but it was ever so difficult to breach that 240 pound mark. It took weeks of trying until finally, the bod gave up the fight and let the fat go. I then happily lost that 40, and then another 10, and then it said 'whoa bitch! enough is enough!!!' It does not want to go lower. I'm staying OP and either gaining or staying the same. I'm hanging on by my toenails. I need to persevere...keep doing the hard work even though I've done it already. It should be easy by now, but it isn't.

I am having mental battles with myself about 100 times a day. I keep telling myself maybe I just need to eat and gain some and then get on the losing wagon again. Then I tell myself I'm a freaking moron. Do I REALLY want to lose the same 5 pounds again??? Really??? Um no I don't! So I go back and forth. Eat! Don't eat! Eat! Don't eat! Good grief I'm driving myself insane! I've managed to not eat every time...but it's getting harder and harder to fight the beast within. I mean there is NO way I can keep doing it if I let it be this difficult.

Reading old Newty boy's quote today made me realize that I'm not the only one out there that has hard times. I mean if he said this, it's because he, or someone else, did hard work, and had to keep on going with the work being just as hard. Awesome. I'm not alone. I'm not a single fat broad swimming in a sea of self doubt being persecuted by fatty foods! I can do this. I can outstubborn the fat. It may not be this week, it may not be this month, but I can, and I will do it!

Take that fat!

You're toast!

Mmmmmmm toast with butter.....OK, so maybe I've got a LOT of hard work left!!!!

:-)

Saturday, August 22, 2009

Singin in the rain!

Good morning boys and girls!!!

I'm feeling on top of the world this morning. I get to go to work with new responsibilities today and I'm excited over the prospect. I get to be the HMFIC and that's a hat I wear well! I'm pumped to show my talent and put everyone I work with in awe. Oh ya, I can hear it now...'wow! Can you believe how she just took over? Never having done that before? Man oh man is she good'! Oh ya, I love me some praise! Crap, I think I just broke my arm patting myself on the back. Ah well, I'll pop an extra Aleve today!

TBM and I are hoping to go to the Ogemaw County Fair again tonight after work. Three Men & a Tenor are there and I just loved them when I saw them years ago. He's never seen their show so it should be a fabby evening....if it doesn't rain!

I've planned a cold supper for us. I'll pack it all up before leaving for work at 9:20 and it'll be ready to grab and go if the weather permits. NO way I was going to the fair on an empty stomach. Corn dogs, popcorn, nachos, elephant ears (they sucked though!) etc. Nope, not me. Fail to plan is my plan to fail and all that malarkey.

So, let's tally the day shall we?

Debby gets to be the boss at work. Check!
Debby has her meals all planned for today. Check!
Debby is pumped to be alive and large and in charge today. Check!! In fact, Double check!

PS: HMFIC for those of you that don't know=head mother f'er in charge. Oh ya, that's me!!!!!

:-)

Friday, August 21, 2009

This and that

Went to WW on Wednesday. Stayed the same. Pffffft

Went to the doc today. Osteoarthritis and not the 'bad' kind. Oh yay, that makes my fingers, knees, hips, and ankles feel better. Pass the Aleve please.

Pissed off I'm not losing.

Girl at work has called in sick or dead or something for at least a week. Made my short day today turn into a long and now I have to work her shift tomorrow. Color me impressed.

I'm hungry and all my points are gone for the day.

Three Men & a Tenor are playing at the fair tomorrow night and we want to go. It's outside of course and it's supposed to rain. Pfffft to that too.

As you all know, I'm really a glass half full kind of girl. So even though that sounds like I'm bitching, and whining, I'm really not. I'm happy. I'm cool.

Is it Labor Day yet?????

:-)

:-)

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood

Won't you be my neighbor?

God I loved Mr. Rogers! Some thought he was creepy, I thought he was amazing. So calm, gentle, a great role model!!!

I'm flying incredibly high this morning. Not sure if it's the caffeine or the anticipation of going to the fair today with TBM, my daughter in law, and my grandson.

The sun is out, the day is ahead of me.

Weigh in is tonight.

My camera is charged for all of Mason's cuteness today. The elephant ears, corn dogs, pretzels, and Mexican food better watch out cuz here comes Pixie!!!!

Damn I'm almost vibrating this morning!!

Life is good!!

Oh, oh, oh, did you see my new bling????? Right up there on top, over to the right. Cute, pink, flowers, coffee cup??? Tania gave me this award! How cool is that???

:-)

Monday, August 17, 2009

Energy vampires

Holy moly if you have one of these get rid of it NOW!!!!! If you can't get rid of it, arm yourself against it.

What is an energy vampire? Well, it's anyone, or anything that sucks the life out of you. Anyone that causes you stress and gives you a headache. A gloomy Gus, an unhappy soul...call them what you will, I sure don't need them in my life!

Let me begin by saying I'm reading a book right now that used the term 'energy vampire' to do with some kind of psychic thing, so I stole it. I'd give credit where credit is due, but I can't remember the name of what I'm reading or who wrote it...I'm old, sue me for plagiarism already! Oh yes, it's by the guy that either wrote Ghost Whisperer, or he's the guy that show is based on. He sees dead people...get the drift?

So, as usual I digressed. I had the freaking day from hell at work yesterday. I didn't want to go, I'd been dreading it all week. See, normally I never work Sunday's. That wasn't the problem. The problem was, the girl that normally works Sunday took off so that left me to work with another girl. We'll call her Lorena, as, well, that's her name. She's not playing with a full deck. Her elevator doesn't go to the top floor, she's a few sandwiches short of a picnic. With me so far? I love the place I work, and I love that they hire a few of the people that don't really function well other places (no crack about why I work there now!!!!). I just don't want to be stuck working with them in a confined spot all day long! See, as you know, I'm a happy soul. I like to laugh and smile. A lot. At work if it's M-F I work with V. She's older and we've known each other for about 25 years. We talk all day long. We joke, we laugh, we work really well together. We talk to everyone else in the place too. They all laugh. It's a jolly place to work and I love it. Well, if I HAVE to work, that's as good a place as any is what I really mean. If I work Sat or Sun, I work with Shelly. She's 28 going on 16. Very childish, immature, and downtrodden really. We laugh though. I make the best of the situation and have a good day. We are the 3 main prep girls. Lorena can, and obviously does, prep also.

Lorena....she's one of a kind. She talks all day long. To herself. She can't carry on a conversation with anyone....her eyes drift and she's got a schreechy nasaly voice that just raises the hackles on your back. At the salad bar, she'll stand there and be talking away. I'll say "What did you say Lorena?" and she'll whip her head around to me and screech really loud 'I'M NOT TALKING TO YOU I'M TALKING TO THE LETTUCE!!!'. Well of course you were dear, I think while making the sign of the cross!

She's suffers from OCD among other things. Sunday was karma for sure. You see, forgive me Father for I have sinned. You got me back though, and good! What did I do? Well, as you know we've been dining at this restaurant for over 32 years. TBM and I used to go there when we were dating, in 1977. So, Lorena has been working there for several years. Just being in the place, you know she's not the sharpest tool in the shed. As I said, talking to the lettuce kind of gives one away. She'd stand behind the salad bar and arrange all the spoons going the same direction. I'd watch her do this over and over. Someone would go through the salad bar and she'd put all the spoons back in order. I observed this for years you understand. One day I just couldn't help myself. She'd got them all spot on where she wanted them and went into the kitchen for something. I lept out of the booth and ran up to the salad bar and moved every single spoon! She came out of the kitchen and looked with a stricken face at the salad bar. She fixed all the spoons and went back in the kitchen. Ya, I did it. I ran up there again and moved all of them! She, back out, fixes them, back into the kitchen. God help me as I couldn't help myself. I got up, made sure she wasn't laying in wait behind the window and moved every single one of them again! She came out of the kitchen and looked at the salad bar and let out a screech!!! 'AHHHHHHH!!!" I believe it was. I'm so going to hell.

So, you can see how I was looking forward to working on Sunday. A day with nobody to chat with, no fun to be had. It was honestly the first day I've not wanted to go to work there...ever. I was a 'long' on Sunday too. Oh yippee! That means I do all the prep, and then I stay and tend the salad bar until the afternoon girl has her break. Usually around 9pm. I hate longs. I got there and it was pretty bad. She's not good at the job. She doesn't work well with others, namely me. I was tired after 3 hours. I rarely get tired at work even though it's hard, physical, and I walk a minimum of 5 miles. I thought the day would never end. I had a headache, and my stomach hurt. I started feeling negative about everyone there. I actually sat down a few times which I've never, ever, ever done at work.

Den left at about 6 and I had him take my bike home in the truck. I was NO way riding that bitch home! I finished at about 9pm and called him for a ride. I was bone weary. I got into the truck and I immediately started to cry. I cried that I didn't want to work any more. I cried that every single joint and muscle in my whole body hurt. I cried because I wasn't in FL where I don't have to work. I haven't cried in....well so long I can't remember. That's what I let Lorena do to me.

Here we have the point of this LONG post. Yes, there was one. People can't drag us down unless we let them. I gave the power to Lorena to do just that. I stressed about it for a week, and then I let all the negative thoughts come to fruition. They manifested in a physical way. I got home from work and I was so tired, and so upset I just took a shower and went to bed. I couldn't eat dinner. I just didn't have the oomph. Man was that weird and I'll sure not let it happen again. I have that power. If I can't control the situation, I can control how I deal with the situation. So, Lorena isn't normal, I can deal with it. I can say a prayer, get in a happy place, go to work calm and relaxed. I can laugh with someone else, I can do what needs to be done.

I worked today with V and it was awesome. We laughed, a lot. I wasn't tired, I didn't want a break. I don't dread the rest of the summer at my job. I came home and fixed our healthy dinner. Life is good as I have the power to make it so.

I've had a few energy vampires in my day. I pulled the plug. I just don't need that in my life. This was my first experience with one that I can't pull the plug on. I am so thankful that I realized what was going on, and found a solution in case we have to work together again. I know that I can do it, and not have a complete mental break down now. I just won't give her the power. It's not her fault she's a loon. I won't let her turn me into one also!

My energy vampire was at work. You might have a friend that is sucking the life out of your will to better yourself. To lose weight, to exercise, to make yourself healthy. If you have someone like that in your life and you can't find a way to deal with it, you might need to pull the plug.

:-)

Sunday, August 16, 2009

Isn't it funny?

How everything I see, hear, think of, etc. these days always relates to Weight Watchers? Take these pictures and captions that I got in an email today. I've received this particular email about 1,999,999 times. Today I saw it and my mind immediately went to how it applied to my weight loss journey. I find it ever so true.

1. STAY OUT OF TROUBLE


If I fail to plan, I plan to fail. Simple as that. I swear to God I'm such a child sometimes. If i don't plan my menu in the morning, I will NEVER eat a vegetable. I like milk, but if I fail to plan them all in first thing, I'll be lacking when my head hits the pillow at night. Healthy oils the same way. I know they're good for me, I just forget. Not to mention if I didn't plan I'd eat about 159 points each day!



2. AIM FOR GREATER HEIGHTS


I learned years ago that I need goals. I need small goals, and what I really learned is I need a long term goal too. When I first began my WW journey, I had goals. I reached them all. I wanted to buy clothes in a store as I had to make all mine. I wanted to fit in the seat at the theater. I wanted to fit in the booth at the Burger King (ya, counter intuitive eh???), I wanted to fit in the seat of a roller coaster, I wanted to tie my shoes without passing out. I wanted to weigh less than TBM, and the list went on. I'd neglected to put an end goal in my mind. You see how that worked out for me eh? So, even if you've a few hundred pounds to lose, and that seems overwhelming (believe me I know!!!), please always have an end goal in mind. Don't focus on it daily, just have one. I have one now.


3. STAY FOCUSED ON YOUR JOB



It is a job. It must be taken care of, scheduled, etc. Make it a priority. Keep it in the back of your mind so it's fresh. You're less likely to be taken by surprise that way when the unexpected things pop up.

4. EXERCISE TO MAINTAIN GOOD HEALTH


As much as we may not like it. It's mandatory I'm afraid. I used to feel you could lose weight without exercise. You can, but it's not healthy. You need to build your muscles and never forget your heart is a muscle! I was only trying to lose weight to get gorgeous....health was never a goal of mine. It is now. If you're not moving it, get out there and do it. If you're moving it, move a little more! Never use the excuse you don't have time. That's just what it is, an excuse. Get up 10 minutes earlier and take a leak and then hit the pavement for 10 minutes. Go to bed 10 minutes later and do the same loop. I don't care how busy you are, you can carve 10 minute blocks out of your day. Jump rope, hop, dance, do something, anything. Move it or lose it!


5. PRACTICE TEAM WORK



I love, love, love this picture!!! This is what my blog is all about. Teamwork. I write, you comment, we support each other. This blog, and the ones I read are my main motivations. I learn SO much from what you guys write. I laugh, I cry. I give, and I take. I go to WW meetings and they're great but you guys are better. I went to bed last night thinking about the last 4 blogs of this girl. OMG I think she's fantastic. She's educated and she shares it well. She's been there, she understands. She won the battle and is sharing with us. How cool is that??? I'm not going to go on to name all the blogs that mean the most to me...I think they'll know who they are. It's just that Diane is kind of new to me and I'm in awe of her talent at getting things across and me not feeling I'm being lectured!


6. RELY ON YOUR TRUSTED PARTNER TO WATCH YOUR BACK. TAKE YOUR TIME TRUSTING OTHERS.



We should all have one person that we turn to always if possible. A spouse, a trusted friend, a fellow blogger you have come to love and trust. Someone there so when you're having a hard day, they can help. Some of our friends are poison. They drag us down and we don't need any more of that. Be careful of who you trust with this journey as it's important. If you find people giving you wrong advice, or tempting you, ditch them and move on. Life is short!


7. SAVE FOR RAINY DAYS



Weight Watchers allow us 'flex points'. Thirty five extra, precious, lovely, points to use during the week whenever we want them! God I love my flexies! If you're not on Weight Watchers, you should really try to build some extra calories in for 'whenever'. They save me over and over. I would feel so deprived if I knew I couldn't have a treat now and then. I get 22 points a day and man let me tell you, some days that just ain't gonna cut it! If I thought I could only eat those 22 and never any extra, I'd binge for sure. Just knowing that even if I do eat my 22 points, I have those 35 extra gets me through a lot of days. I don't always use my 35 extra points a week...but I sure love knowing they're there if I want them!!


8. REST AND RELAX



Pretty self explanatory I think! We need down time to rejuvenate. We need me time. Time to smell the proverbial roses. Just do it, you'll thank yourself for it. Again, don't say you don't have time. We make time for the important things and this is important. Ten minutes alone in a room with a book or just resting your eyes...whatever floats your boat. Breathe deep, relax, reflect..mmmmmmm I feel better just thinking about it!


9. ALWAYS TAKE TIME TO SMILE

I love to laugh. I need it in my life. I have never been a whole day in my entire life without laughing. It's important to surround yourself with people that make you laugh. I've got such good friends...sometimes I laugh until I have tears. I read blogs that NEVER fail to make me laugh. I'm smiling thinking of them!


10. REALIZE THAT NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE



I don't care how big your challenge is, you can do it if you want to. If you're struggling, you really don't want it bad enough. You have to know in your heart of hearts that you CAN do it. Yes, you might have to lose 300 pounds. You have to believe that you can do it. You have to KNOW it's going to be a long, slow, arduous process. As long as you know you can do it, who the hell cares how long it takes? We're so into instant gratification that if we can't have something, and have it now, we just say forget it. Sometimes, just like this goat, we feel we're hanging on by a toenail. Don't forget your goal. You can do it. Believe it.


:-)

Saturday, August 15, 2009

Dinner with the Adam's Family

I am so going to hell for this post.

If you read this post, and you relate to the family within, yes, I am above you. In fact, my nose is so far in the air it has frost bite!

So, the Big Man and I had to work yesterday. Sucked ass. I'm SO over working it's not even funny. By my calculations, I should only have a max of 19 days left to work this summer. Not that I'm counting or anything.

I had a mammogram yesterday morning, went shopping, went to work that I didn't want to go to. I fought all temptations at work, again. I planned a spur of the moment outing to the beach, keeping it 100% weight watcher legal and we had a great day. I do love Weight Watchers. It allows for spur of the moment things as long as you've got the stuff on hand. Planning is key. I feel really good about myself just now.

I got out of work kind of early for me. In fact, it was 4:44 to be precise. It was gorgeous outside and TBM(The Big Man) left work even earlier than moi. I thought a trip to the beach would be just what the doctor ordered and Papa thought so too. I was going to toss a snack in a cooler for us, then decided to just fix a picnic dinner. Totally WW OP just in case you're wondering. I made a delightful chicken salad. I tossed in some sugar free jello for each of us, an apple for him and cherries for me. One cup of lovely Michigan cherry Riesling for me and water for him. Some cheese and baked Doritos's completed the picnic I think. We tossed the garden wagon in the truck, my folding lounge chair, a chair for TBM, towels, books, etc. and off we went.

Got to the beach and set up our chairs near the water. Me in the sun, he in the shade. I got my chilled glass out of the cooler and poured my first glass of wine. I was sitting there, enjoying the sun, the quiet, nature in general, when I noticed the 'family' over yonder. I watched for a few minutes as my chair was facing directly at them. I turned to TBM and said 'Oh my, I think this is going to be very entertaining'! He opted for a dip in the lake, I preferred to sit there with my feet up, sipping my wine, watching the action.

As close as I can tell, there was a Grandma, Grandpa, Son, Daughter in Law, 2 grand kids, and another child they had to have stolen from somewhere. All were tattooed, which doesn't make them odd as I have several tat's myself and Papa has 2. I don't, however, have one that starts at my belly button and goes up to surround my nipples. I think it was a snake...and the tongue...well use your imagination! I'm hoping the tattoos on the kids were temporary ones! Every one of the adults sucked on one cigarette after another. They shared 10 teeth between them...honestly. The Grandma kept smoking and when she sucked in, her whole face collapsed. I damn near laughed out loud. Let's do a description of each of them shall we? Oh I so wish I had a small camera that I carried everywhere...this would have used a whole card!

It was like a train wreck or a car accident. I should've turned away, but I just couldn't!

Grandma: I'm guessing early 50's. Long, greasy, grey hair in a ponytail. She may have had 2 teeth in here whole head. She had tattoos on her arms, calves, back, and one on her chest area. Oh yes, one on the back of the neck too. She was wearing a ratty swim suit with a denim skirt over it. The denim skirt was filthy. She kept picking her swim suit out of her ass. That was lovely to behold. She was the talker of the bunch. She was also the leader. 'Put the fucking grate on the fucking grill boy'. 'Get your fucking ass out of the fucking lake right now it's time to eat'. I think you get the fucking drift here? A loving granny to be sure!

Grandpa. OMG he was special for sure. He had a vacant look in his eyes....probably visualizing doing his sister. He had dark, greasy, hair down past his shoulders...can we all say ewww??? He was a big guy, looked about 9 months pregnant actually. Hell, with that bunch he may have been! When we got there he was sitting on the picnic table picking his toes. This must've interested him as he kept at it for about 15 minutes. He finally finished one foot and put his white sock on and then started the other foot. I have no idea what he was picking, and I don't care to know. He finally finished this, I kid you not he was at it for a good 20 minutes! He stood, faced the lake, scratched his ass and farted. Suave and debonair! I think he may have been drooling...there really was no expression on his face the whole time we were there...a total blank. He stood for the longest time and then he groped himself a bit, picked his suit out of his ass again and sat back down. The only other time he moved was when a girl from down the way walked past in a bikini. He followed her with his eyes from the moment she got up until she was well out of sight. Gag me.

Son: Wow, I'd be so proud! He was the brains of the group. I know this because he kept telling 'the missus' that he was. 'You're a fucking idiot, just do what I tell you'....you know, lovely things of that ilk. He was manning the grill. They had TV dinners on the charcoal grill. I damn near spat my wine out when I saw them take them out of the box and slap them on the grill! Every once in a while he'd just twitch. I'm not sure what that was...but it was weird!

Daughter in Law: Long, greasy, hair in a pony tail. Never saw her bathing suit, thank God! She was wearing a long cover up. I know she had a suit on though, as she was constantly picking it out of her ass. Every single one of them were ass pickers. She kept straddling the picnic table bench and...well we just aren't even going to go there! After TBM came in from his dip, he watched with me. I was reading at one point and he said 'she's picking her suit out of her ass again'. Hehe, I got him addicted too. He's the one that kept calling them 'The Adam's Family'. He's so going to hell too!

The kids: I thought it was 3 boys. Until one of them took off the tee shirt and had a girls bathing suit on. She had a total boys haircut. I don't mean a short, girl cut, I mean a total boy cut. Two of them were little chunks and one of them was bean thin. That's why I think they stole an extra from somewhere...unless they just never let that one eat. He sure didn't fit in with the rest of them! Kids weren't bad...but give them time, I'm sure they will be!

So, after a hard day of work, I had a lovely evening feeling superior. All the self help people are telling us that we have to think well of ourselves. Well, after sitting next to this family for two hours...I think we are perfect!!!

We got up, packed up our things, picked the suits out of our ass and left for home.

A perfect evening I'd say!

:-)

Thursday, August 13, 2009

I've staged a coup!

On fat!

Yep, that's right. Operation Fat Blaster has given me the drive to do what needs to be done.

I lost .6 at my WI last night. Not a lot, but a loss. It's given me the drive to push forward this week and try to lose a bit more.

People say we share too much on the Internet, put too much out there. Well, if we don't share, how can we maybe help someone else going through the same thing? I'm really glad others share, it helps me. It makes me feel I'm not alone. So, that being said...menopause sucks! It wreaks havoc on your weight loss. I can be perfectly 100% OP and gain. I've finally come to accept that. Apparently I'm post menopausal. That's what the blood test showed. That's cool of course as it happened and I never knew it! Here's the scoop ladies. If you're taking birth control pills you're chemically altered. You'll continue having TOM until you get off them. Did I know this? Ah no. Assumed when menopause hit, TOM would stop and then I'd know and quit taking the pill. Freaking doctors tell you nothing I swear! I threw my pills away in June to let nature take it's course. My new doc did a myriad of blood tests (not pregnant so that's cool!) and one of them was for menopause. It shows I'm post...done with...all over. Wow! How freaking cool is that? Of course, once I quit taking the pills, the hot flashes began. They suck too. Anyway, just in case there are other women out there preparing to go through the dreaded change...be prepared for weight instability. Don't let it upset you. Just go with the flow. It can't last forever, right?

Did I do all I could do this last week to lose more than .6? No. I didn't exercise. I ate 100% totally OP, but I didn't move my ass the way I could have or should have. I feel my .6 loss was a reprieve. I showed a gain on my scale even just before I left for the meeting. It was 'only' .2 gain, but it was a gain. I really breathed a sigh of relief when the scale at WW showed a loss. After reaching my HUGE milestone last week, I didn't want to regress. Operation Fat Blaster has me fired up! I'm going to do more this week. If my hormonal state lets me, I hope to show a loss again next week. Onwards and downwards! If I show a gain, I'll know in my heart there was nothing I could have done to prevent it. That's all I can do. I can do my best and nothing more. This week, I shall do my best!

I had a HUGE nsv yesterday. As you know, when I got home from FL in May, my size 18's were tight. Here's a recap. Last spring I was in size 14's. I started working at Buccilli's and started eating...and eating...and eating. I had to move to the size 16's. They got tight. When I left for FL in the fall, my size 16's were so tight I couldn't sit in the truck in them comfortably. Hell, I could barely get them on! I bought a pair of size 18's for the trip. I fully intended to get rid of them the minute I hit FL and get back on the wagon. That didn't happen. I continued to eat and plump. It wasn't until January, after gaining 34.8 pounds since May, that I finally put the skids on. I came home from FL in May this year still in my size 18's! They fit better though. It was a huge pleasure to get back into my size 16's here a month ago or so. I immediately, no, IMMEDIATELY, got rid of the size 18's. I gave them to a lady at my WW meeting. NO way this fat ass is ever getting back into that size again. Nope, never, not going to happen. So, my size 16's felt loose the other night while out shopping. Yesterday, I thought hmmm for a lark, let's just see if we can skinny into the size 14's. You know, see how much farther we need to go to button those babies. They slid on with ease, they zipped, they buttoned, and....THEY FELT AWESOME! Not tight, just right! I wore them to my meeting and it's an hour away. Total comfort in the truck the whole time. I tell ya, I'm flyin on cloud 9 here...hell I might even be on cloud 10!!! I fully intend to be able to give away the size 16's before we leave for FL in 5 weeks. That's another goal of mine.

Damn the goals keep piling up. Giving me something new to shoot for. Giving me motivation and drive. Just what this puffed up Pixie needed!

Bring on the size 12's as I've NEVER EVER EVER EVER been in that size in my whole fat life! Remember, I've been fat since I was 5. I'm easily 100 pounds lighter now than I was in high school. I have NO idea what size I wore in high school, but at 200+ pounds, it sure the hell wasn't a size 12. The day I put those on in the dressing room, you'll hear the shout. Not a doubt in my mind. Oh ya, I freakin can't wait!!!

Get the hell out of my way cuz I'm on a roll!

:-)

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Looking forward to my pillow tonight!

Man I'm tired. No reason really, I just am. I watched my grandson Mason today & he was an angel. If I walked as much as he did, I'd be a size 0. His stubby little legs were all over the place!!

My post tonight is a cheater post. I'm trying to find blogs that I think my gorgeous daughter in law might like. She's just started a blog and is on this weight loss journey with the rest of us. I've given her links to a few of my favorites, but face it guys, most of us are older! Do any of you read blogs by younger people? People with kids, soon to have kids, want to buy a kid or anything? If you do, could ya leave the address in a comment here?

I don't know how those of you staying home with young children do the diet scene. Watching my grandson today, I wanted to snarf the food off his high chair tray! He had peach yogurt....the real kind. No artifical sweetners or shit. Awesome cheese slices....Grandma loves those! Animal crackers....just really good stuff. I wasn't hungry when I fed him, but he was eating so I thought I should too! Not only that, he ran my ass ragged! We were all over that back yard. I pulled him in the wagon, snuggled him on my lap, etc. I was tired, that means I want to eat. He was so cute, I was happy, that means I want to eat! How the hell do you young people do it???

I can't even imagine the planning having young children and trying to diet would take. I only watched Mason until 6PM. I realized I'd not even thought of fixing dinner. Who had the time?

I'm off to bed.

:-)

Saturday, August 8, 2009

Dieting, Death, and Bits of This and That

My mind is a scary place sometimes. OK, most of the time.

We've had a death in the family. I got the news yesterday morning and the viewing was yesterday and the funeral today. I of course had to work both days. I finally figured out if they would let me leave work a bit early, I could drive the 2 hours to the funeral home and have time to pay my respects. The second I figured this out, I immediately thought 'Oh funeral, free food day'. No diet for me today! Thank God I bitch slapped myself into submission.

Why on earth is it, that any time there's any variance from the norm, I think it's my God given right to eat everything in sight? Why the heck would I associate a funeral with binge eating??? Told ya, mind, scary.

I don't go into work until noon so I had time to pack a lunch for the road. Grapes, carrot sticks, fiber one bar, etc. I also made sure to leave enough points in case I wanted to stop for dinner somewhere. I feel good that I was able to reel myself in. It's a new experience for me for sure. I was in total, 100% control. I looked awesome too by the way! Slacks, low cut blouse, opals, cute little high heels. Yep, I was the bomb!

My work pants are getting loose, almost baggy. You remember the ones? The ones that were so tight when I started work in May I was afraid to breathe? The ones that I didn't want to wash as I thought I'd not be able to zip them up again? Yepper, those! Freaking awesome.

I actually enjoyed putting spinach in my spaghetti tonight. I'm enjoying putting healthy food in my body.

I'm having a hot flash right now. Told ya, bits of this and that.

:-)

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Is it a bird? Is it a plane?

No! It's a falling star!

Yep, this old lady earned her #5 star last night. Oh you know the one....the one that allows me to say I LOST 180 POUNDS! Ya, that one! La di freakin dah! I'm doing the happy dance for sure.

It was a HUGE, moving moment for me. My meeting starts at 5:30PM in a town an hour away. They have Wednesday walk in hours from 2-5. The big man and I wanted to go to Sam's so I stopped and weighed in at 4. I wanted to have a diet coke at Sam's and didn't want that to show on the scale. I'd come back in time for the meeting. The only people in the place were the lady working and myself. I got on the scale praying for a loss. A small loss would have been fine as I was showing a gain Tuesday night still. I was chatting to the lady and I got up on the scale and I saw the digital read out. It said 187.8. A 3 pound loss!!! I closed my eyes, let out my breath, opened my eyes and it said the same thing. I got off the scale and then back on, still the same thing. She was busy doing paperwork and stuff and didn't notice my antics. She looked up to tell me I could get on the scale and I was standing as still as I could, afraid to breathe. She said 'got it'. I let out my breath and then began to cry. I was so glad nobody else was there. I think it made it more special.

I intended to share my victory at the meeting but I just couldn't. First of all, our regular leader wasn't there. I want my star from her. I want to see her excitement when she hears the news. My girlfriend who I got to join WW earned 2 stars last night. She was so excited as this made twenty pounds off for her. Couldn't catch her with a butterfly net! Another young girl reached lifetime. She's a college girl and she was just glowing! I just couldn't take their moment away from them. I didn't even want to. I'll share next week. Last night was their night.

I can keep it clutched to my chest for another week. My little secret. I told my good friend Ian that it's like not screaming on a roller coaster. Just makes it more fun when you get to the bottom. I'm grinning from ear to ear just typing this. I can think about it all week. I'll take my bookmark to collect that precious star. It's going to be so fun to share this at my meeting next week!!!

Operation Fat Buster tally:

One down, two to go!

I'm ready to see the number 184 on the scale now. 50% of my body weight will be gone at that point. Yes, I think reaching this elusive goal of 180 pounds off has given me the oomph to keep going. I don't feel it's a crap shoot anymore, I feel I'll actually achieve it.

C'mon 184, Mama needs a new pair of shoes!

:-)

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Another goal

I have another goal to add to my Fatbuster challenge.

I want to be overweight.

You're all familiar with the dreaded BMI crap I'm sure. If not, here's a handy dandy site you can go to and get a depression all of your own!

So, now, in addition to getting my fat ass to weigh 188, allowing me to have reached my #180 off, and reaching #184 allowing me to have lost half my body weight, good grief I need to add a period here as this is the longest run on sentence in the history of run on sentences. Whew. So, now, in addition to all that, I want to not be obese anymore.

What will that take? Well, it'll take me getting to #174. I can do that. It might take me 10 years, but I can do that.

Also in the back of my mind is being 'normal'. What will that take?

A freakin miracle!

:-)

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Push Me Pull Me

Remember that Dr. Seuss character? That's how I feel.

Good Lord will it ever get easier? Will it ever get second nature? Will it ever get where I'm not fighting myself every minute of every day? Do you have any idea how hard that is? Yes, some of you do.

Tomorrow is my weigh in day. Right now, my scale is showing me a gain. A big, fat, not deserved gain. I've been 100% OP this week....AGAIN.

Monday at work, V brought banana bars in again. You might remember that's what sent me on a 2 week binge earlier in the summer. I rounded the corner and there they were. Well, this time, I rounded the corner and there they were again. I made that FatBuster promise to not eat unplanned food at work. That helped. I swear to God I wanted to snarf that whole pan down and then lick the crumbs off. Not only that, Becky brought in no bake cookies. Those are my all time favorite cookie. Yep, even better than Oreo's. I fought myself the whole entire day. Oh go ahead, oh no don't. I want it, you can't have it. It's getting freaking old I'll tell you! Is there going to be a day I can see those things and pass them easily? I sure don't think so. I did pass them though and that's huge for me. It was an internal battle all day long and the big man was having the same fight within. He thanked me from keeping him from jumping the cliff. I can help him, but he can't really help me. Nobody can. You tell me I can't have something and that's the first thing I'm going to eat. I have to do it and I have to do it on my own.

We're camping again...our lovely little campground with the pool, jacuzzi, etc. We came Sunday and went to work from here on Monday. We're here now until Thursday morning bright and early. We'll pull the rig out and get home in time to drop it and shoot off to work.

We had a blow out on the way here. I was driving and BAM! Blew one of the dualies on the rig. Fuck me sideways. Pardon any of my readers that don't curse...but man that just sucked. Did we know it was a possibility? Yep. Knew the tires needed replacing. Were we going to replace them? Yep, after this trip! It's only 70 miles. I thought we'd be fine. Damn it all that's what I get for thinking. I hate stupidity, I really do. I hate it even more when it's my own. I lecture the kids about fixing things that need fixing or you'll just create a bigger, more costly problem. Then what do I do? Something stupid that's what. It cost us $115 to have some moron come and change my tire. It also blew off the trim on the side of the rig that will cost a few hundred to have replaced. All because of stupidity. I don't handle that well. So, we were sitting on the side of the road waiting for the tow truck. We were starving as we'd planned to eat lunch at the campground when we got there. Rig has on board Ruffles, Hershey bars, chocolate frosting, and I can't remember what else. The big man has a 'cheat' day on Wednesday, so those are his provisions. Oh my did I want all of it while sitting there. I fought myself tooth and nail. I got out of the truck and went into the rig and got out 2 bags of cherries and brought them back for us. I didn't eat the goodies, but I wanted them. A fight to the finish and I did win. I just don't want the fight anymore! I want this to be easy. I don't know how much longer I can hold myself back. I long for simplicity.

So, now, here I sit, scale showing me a gain, goodies on board, and I'm starving. Another day, another fight.

What oh what is it going to take to make things easier?

What do all of you do?

Am I truly the only one out there that has this internal battle nearly every, single day?

Sunday, August 2, 2009

Black Sunday

In memory of Jen's mom, today is black.

Please keep her and her family in your prayers if you pray and thoughts if you don't.