De-Puffing Pixie With Weight Watchers

Get a grip

2011-09-19T09:00:00.002-04:00

Ever feel you're chugging along with a firm grip on things? Then all of a sudden someone greases the frigging rope and you go sliding into the abyss?

Well hell, I do. A lot.

I'm working on that. I'm learning more and more about myself. I'm actually willing to (insert gasp here) change! Oh yes, me, the queen of stubbornness is actually willing to admit the way I've done things for...well forever, just don't work.

Weight Watcher's talk about 'red light foods'. You know, food that if you take one bite you're a goner? I never really thought I had any of those. This week I realized that red light doesn't have to apply to just A food. It could apply to AN action.

I've been fat all my life. That is not a boast. It's a sad fact Jack. I've been teased, taunted, ridiculed, looked over for jobs, and, well you get the drift. I remember being in grade school (Catholic mind you)and being on a diet. My Mom didn't have a clue. She'd make me take 1/2 a sandwich for my lunch and that was it. I mean what else could go in the bag? I wasn't allowed chips or cookies...what else was there? I'm not blaming my Mom for my fat...but geez Ma...fruit and veg were around back then! You think kids are cruel? Just try being around Catholic girls. Those bitches are vicious! They'd make fun of me for being fat AND they'd make fun of me for trying to NOT be fat. Do you think I'd be struck by lightning if I said I wish they'd all rot in hell? Probably, and my Christian side won't let me think that...damn that Catholic guilt!!!

Frick, digress. Again.

So...all my life. My first trip to Weight Watchers was in 1977. Before that I'd tried everything. Atkins, grapefruit, cabbage soup, you name it, I tried it. So with that first trip to WW, I deemed that weigh in day would be a free day. I could eat whatever I wanted on that day. It got me through the week. If I wanted something, I'd tell myself I could have it on weigh in day. That never changed. EVERY single diet I've ever been on, I've had a 'free day'.

This week, 52 years old, I realized that just isn't going to work for me anymore. Cue the angels and harps! Epiphany time!!!

Why? Well, it's the big lead up to 'the day'. I anticipate. Oh what will I eat?? Sometimes I eat things I don't want just because I can. Ya, I'm not the sharpest tool in the shed sometimes.

THEN the next day. OMG it's so hard to get back on plan. I remember today what I really wanted yesterday and didn't have. Maybe I should have 2 cheat days this week and then next week get back to just 1.

Two becomes three. etc. It's a mental battle. I don't like how my mind feels. I don't like the feeling of deprivation and angst. It's so hard.

SO, yesterday this little niggle started in. I'm loving the new program I'm rocking. The SFT (simply filling technique). It's got good bones. So why do I feel I need a day to lose control? The program is this in a nutshell...

You eat ONLY when you are TRULY hungry.
You eat ONLY until you are satisfied.
You eat mostly only power foods.
A few other things, but those are the basics.

I realized on my 'cheat day' this week, there really wasn't anything I was hungry for. Well, Panera Bread mac and cheese. That shit is to die for! I did want something chocolate. Did I eat those two things and stop? Hell no. It was my cheat day, I could have it all. I did. So, let's think about this...

I get 49 points plus a week to play with on SFT...Panera Bread mac and cheese (the small size which is plenty) is 13.5 PP. A snicker bar was 9 I think...so, wow, let me get this right....I could just go out to lunch any day like a normal person and have the mac and cheese for lunch...perhaps paired with some veg soup instead of the bread roll? THEN later in the week if I wanted a candy bar I could have one??? THEN still have PP left over??????

Who the hell knew??????

I don't like to step out of my comfort zone. It's hard for me to give up things I love. To change my ways.

I think it's time.

I think the cheat day needs to be put to rest. I think I need to give the plan a try the way they intend for it to be worked.

What about you? Do you have a free day? How do you handle treats? I know how I'm going to do it this next week.....

R.I.P. Cheat day....you will be missed.

Peace be the journey

:-)

Friday favorites

2011-09-16T09:54:00.002-04:00

Hi everyone!

My gal TJ had this awesome idea and invited us to play along. Always a team player, I accepted!

I'm going to do a Vlog about these soon. As soon as I figure out how!

Oat cakes. How do I love thee? Let me count the ways!

I learned a while ago that even if I'm just tossing things in a pot, write down what's going in. Too many times I get done and it's just awesome and I have NO idea what, or how much of anything actually went in! I'm so glad the day I tried these I wrote it down exactly.

I use my Magic Bullet a lot. It sounds hokey, but it's really a fantastic little gadget. You'll see when I do my vlog!

So, without further ado.

Oat cakes- 1 large serving

I put all the dry ingredients in the MB and let it all commingle while the oats are becoming flour. I then add all the wet to the dry and pulse some more. In fact, I do up the dry portion in batches and keep 3 on hand in small Tupperware containers so all I have to do is add the wet if I'm in a hurry.

1/2 c old fashioned oats ground to flour in the Magic Bullet
1/8 t baking powder
1/8 t salt
cinnamon I like a lot
cloves I like a pinch
nutmeg I use whole nuts and grate in....some
1T Splenda
After that's nice and flour like add the wet
1 egg
2T or so of yogurt of choice (I match the yogurt to whatever fruit I'm using)
2T or so skim milk
vanilla to taste
fruit of choice (1/2 banana, diced stewed apples, etc.)

I use a teaspoon of canola oil to cook the cakes. You can just use spray if you want. I like how crispy they get with the oil and I need 2 teaspoons a day anyway. This makes 2-4 cakes depending on what size you make.

This week I started on the apple cakes. I used WW apple pie a la mode yogurt. I diced a whole granny smith apple small and put it in a small pot with a ton of cinnamon, 1 T Splenda, and a little water and cooked until soft while I did the rest. When it was time for the wet in the cakes, I added some of the apples to the mix. I took the rest of the apples, the rest of the WW apple pie a la mode yogurt and whirred that in the Bullet for my 'syrup'. Oh my land was it good!

I'm following WW Simply Filling Technique. This fits in perfectly.

I think I might try pineapple cakes next!!

Peace be the journey

:-)

Sink or swim

2011-09-14T07:50:00.002-04:00

I can drown in self pity or I can jump in and swim like a bitch!

A few weeks ago I had a hard lesson. I told you I'd blog about it 'later'. Well, it's later.

The second week of my SFT(simply filling technique)experiment I hit a snag. I went to work for 10 minutes and it turned into 9 hours. I hadn't planned my meals for the day or done any prep as I was coming right home from that 10 minutes to do all that. Around 2PM I shot home on my golf cart to grab something to eat at my desk. Anything. Well, as I hadn't prepared, the choices were slim. There was left over pizza staring at me and I grabbed it. I didn't find out until later on it was 10 points plus! On the SFT I get 49 points plus a week to use so I like to break them up and use under 7 a day so I have a few left for a nice treat at the end of the week. Pizza used to be 6 points. It went up and I didn't know it. I had a glass of wine with dinner to celebrate my fantastic day of work. That went up in points also! All in all, I used 20 points plus that day. I hated it.

I woke up the next day and felt so limited. I couldn't move past the feeling of deprivation I now felt. Many days I use 0 points plus and that's fine as it's my choice. This day I felt like I was forced to do that. And the day after. And the day after. God I felt like it was the end of the world and for the first time ever I felt guilt over eating something!

I was talking to my DIL who was in the hospital after having my 5th grandchild. Bree was born 6 weeks early so of course was experiencing some difficulty. DIL was feeling guilty. Hmmm who else did I know that was feeling guilt? Being the quiet retiring MIL that I am, (OMG I CHOKED THERE!), I gave my two cents worth. You can't go back. You can't undo what's done. You just have to think about the now. Focus on what you can do now. BLINK BLINK BLINK! That was the light bulb going off above my head.

In my mind I'd screwed up my eating plan. So, what could I do about it? I couldn't un eat the food...hmmmmmm oh I know! What if I got off my lazy ass and did some exercise? What if I went out and moved this sedentary mountain and earned some AP(activity points) points plus??? What a concept!

I got dressed and got on my bike and peddled my fat ass enough to earn 2PP. Came home and got my suit on and headed to the pool and earned some more. Wow! It is possible to right a wrong! I didn't intend to eat any of those points, but man did it do my psyche good to know they were there!!! My whole mindset changed. I took control.

I focused on what I could do and not what I did!

Oh ya baby, I may be old, but I'm learning every day. I had a loss that week. A good one.

This week at WI I changed days. I went from a Tuesday morning meeting to a Monday night meeting. You always weigh more at night. I knew if the scale showed a gain, it wouldn't really be a gain. I was praying for even a .2 loss as I'd had 4 losses in a row and I really need to keep my momentum up.

I took a deep breath and got on the scales.

DOWN BABY DOWN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I was pumped!

5 weeks in a row my friends. 5 weeks in a row!!!!!! DID I MENTION FIVE FIVE FIVE WHOLE WEEKS IN A ROW????? A ROW PEOPLE!!!!!!! That's consecutive!!!

This old broad is swimming along.

One stroke at a time.

C'mon in....the water is fine!

Peace be the journey

:-)

Mis en place

2011-09-12T21:10:00.002-04:00

Anyone that knows me knows I love to cook. Roasting, braising, sauteing, steaming, poaching, I love it all. I love to chop and dice....chiffonade, mince, matchstick, & julienne are terms I use daily. I know the difference between a mirepoix and the Trinity and when to use both. I generally prefer a soffrito over a mirepoix...just sayin. If it's a kitchen gadget, I probably have it.

So how does my love of all things kitchen tie in with weight loss?

Well, when I'm cooking, I have my station ready to go. I chop what needs chopping, I dice what needs dicing, my spices are measured in a small bowl, and everything I need is at hand before I actually begin to cook. Mis en place.

As I was planning my meals for today, I realized that mis en place gets me where I want to go even when I'm not cooking. I gather my food guide and my tracker. I fire up the laptop and bring up etools. I get pencil, paper, and my cell phone to hand. Mis en place. Everything is ready, let us begin it.

It's easy to plan when you have the right tools.

How about you? Do you plan? Prepare? Do you have the right tools, or moreover, do you use the tools you have?

Peace be the journey

:-)

Shame on you Ruby Tuesday

2011-09-11T16:11:00.002-04:00

That's right, I'm shaking my finger at you. My head is going back and forth and there are even a few tsk tsk's too.

I debated writing this as of course, it's only my opinion, then I read this gal's blog and decided, oh ya, I can write it as, to steal her idea, IT'S MY OWN DAMN BLOG!

So, why is Ruby Tuesday getting my tsk of shame? Because they feed us crap that's why! A large percentage of the things they have are fat laden. There is no need for that. I'm not a fat snob, oh no no no, I love my fat. On the occasions that I wish to avoid it, however, I should be able to!

Now, it's not just the obviously fatty things they have....

Chicken & broccoli pasta = 96g fat
Lobster Carbonara = 95g fat
Fresh guacamole = 96g fat
California club sunrise quesidilla = 177g of fat
Spinach & mushroom omelet = 59g fat

You get the drift there...

I don't have a problem with high fat things on the menu. For the love of all that is holy not all of us want to consume that kind of fat! Hell, my arteries clogged up just reading their nutritional data site!!!

A spinach and mushroom omelet for goodness sakes! That could be so low in fat...so low.

So, they have healthy options you say? Nope, they've managed to fat those up too!!!

Steamed broccoli...fresh mind you...6 grams of fat! What the fuck to you do to steamed broccoli to add 6g fat???? Moreover, WHY would you do it? I mean really, who orders steamed broccoli wanting something fatty???

Fresh grilled asparagus, 5g fat
Fresh grilled green beans, 2g fat
Sugar snap peas, 6g fat
Petite zucchini cakes, 22g fat. I'd hate like hell to see the 'regular' sized ones!

If I can get plain grilled chicken there for 4g fat, and a petite sirloin steak for 6g, why can't I get some veg that isn't a heart attack on a plate????

There are a few choices, very few that are a bit healthier. The problem is making sure they prepare it the way you ask. If you order it steamed, no fat, how come it still glistens? Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm????

I'm not ordering mashed cauliflower because I like it better than mashed potatoes, I'm ordering it because it's better for me. Why is there butter floating in it?

What meal did we choose last night? Why a Triple Prime Bacon Cheeseburger of course. We had a coupon for a free burger. This one weighed in at 1144 calories and 88 grams of fat. That would be 33 Points Plus in case you wondered. I don't get that many for a whole day, never mind one component of a meal. I've been so hungry for this, or so I thought.

We planned. We decided to share the burger. I'd get the cauliflower, he'd get the fries. My dinner would be roughly 20 Points Plus. I saved my weeklies and off we went. Like I said, I don't have a problem with fatty food, when it's fatty food I want!

Let me tell you, it wasn't worth it. Or, maybe it was. I learned I won't be back! I won't be craving that burger ever again!

The grease dripped down my arm.

The cauliflower, with greasy little craters, left a film on my tongue. I didn't eat it.

I woke up with horrid acid at 4AM.

I've been queasy all day.

My body revolted from the grease. Guess that's a good thing.

Will I go again when I get a coupon for a free burger?

Ah no.

I'll stick with the pot stickers and salad. I'll bring my own dressing also!!!

Feel free to check out their nutritional site yourself! Oh, you may be shocked by their "Smart Eating Choices"!!! Smart for who? Sure the hell not me!!!

Peace be the journey

:-)

Thinking outside the box

2011-09-07T11:20:00.003-04:00

That's what working this new WW program is doing for me. I must say, so far I'm loving it.

I had another loss this week. That's right boys and girls, that would be 4 in a row! I can't remember the last time I had a loss 4 weeks in a row. It doesn't need a number to make me happy anymore. A loss is a loss. That's new for me.

I wanted to blog about last weeks feelings, and what I did to overcome them, but I'm not in the mood for that right now!

Right now, I want to pay tribute to my girl TJ, and maybe help some other veggie haters out there.

TJ fixes what she calls 'crazy salads'. They're not so crazy to me anymore.

Let me begin by saying I don't like salad. Yes, that was a revelation to me a few weeks ago after beginning the SFT. I realized that I only like salad as a vessel to get oceans of blue cheese dressing and buttery croutons into my body. I don't like the salad itself at all. We all know iceberg lettuce doesn't do anything for us anyway, cucumbers and celery are about as useless, but I'd choke that down and say I was eating veg. I didn't even like it for goodness sakes! When I eat something I don't like, it actually makes my tum roll. Not a nice feeling at all. So, if I'm going to eat something I don't like, I might as well pick more nutritious choices!

TJ would put pictures of her salads up and I realized they really didn't look like salad at all. Hmmm what a concept eh???? Maybe I could try that...so I did.

Cottage cheese went onto the plate first, fat free as that's a power food.

Now, carrots. OK, for all you veggie haters out there, try something. It may not be the taste of the veg you don't like, it may be the texture. THAT is my problem in a nutshell & it is something else I've learned recently. Carrots don't really suck ass, but I don't really like them much...unless they're matchstick. They seem sweeter that way to me, moister, not as bitter. Just cutting them different makes all the difference in the world to my taste buds. If I take a bite out of a carrot, I don't like it. If I take the time to cut them into tiny matchstick pieces, I love them. Who knew? They add lovely crunch to the salad. Today I got carried away and after cutting them into matchstick pieces, I cut those smaller even. I enjoy chopping and dicing, what can I say???

Beets. They're a lovely color, but they're kind of bland unless roasted. I love pickled beets. So I opened up a few cans and pickled them using Splenda. They're fabulous. I matchstick those too for my salad, cuz that's how I roll. They add some sweetness and tanginess to the mix.

Spinach. We all know that's a pretty good dark green thing to choke down. I'll let you in on a little secret. If you chiffonade it and then turn that around and cross cut it so you have tiny little squares, you won't taste it. The pieces are so small the texture isn't a problem. Wow, a dark green thing on my plate and I'm loving it! I just learned that today.

Some days I add a tablespoon of sunflower seeds for 1 PP, some days I don't.

You can chop and dice and add things to your little hearts content. Make it as big or as small as you want. With the SFT, I've been going small. I know that I can eat again later if I'm hungry.

This was today's salad.

I try to think rainbow when fixing these salads. Today it looked so pretty with the spinach. I felt so good about myself finally figuring something green to add that was good for me. I want more ideas now. More colors. I think that bowl is just begging for something red....

Thank you TJ. I love your crazy salad idea.

Peace be the journey

:-)

It's a new day

2011-09-02T08:00:00.003-04:00

Caution, this is a cathartic post and not an inspiring one. I need to sort my mind out. Doing it here!

Last weeks experiment was a success. I had a loss. I was excited to begin a new week.

It's really an interesting program. It gives me the 'freedom' I need right now with crazy work hours, but also the structure. I learned a lot. I continue to do so.

I'm having crazy mind wars that I've never had before. I've read over and over about people eating something and feeling guilty. I've never done that...never felt guilt. Never. If I ate something, I wanted it and that was good enough for me. Moved on from there. This is pre coffee this morning boys and girls, I hope I can explain how I'm feeling. It's going to be long, but I must get it out there...for me.

Here's the scenario. WI was awesome. Over 2 pounds. That is huge for me. I always use WI day for treat day. Always. It's always been a day of an eating frenzy. Buy a big bag of chips and must eat them all before bed. Can't have them around the next day now can I? Bake a cake...well you get the drift. So, I still want to keep treats in the picture, but this week I decided to use the 'only when hungry' and 'only until satisfied' rules. That was actually awesome. I had my usual McD's sausage McMuffin on the way home from the meeting. I LOVE those stupid things! I went into work and there were donuts. In the past I'd have had one as of course it's treat day. I stopped, knowing that I could, but I thought first. No, I wasn't hungry. Damn. I passed the donut. Lunch time rolled around and now I was hungry. Well to be fair, it was 2PM. I wanted Panera Bread mac and cheese. Off I took myself. I've always ordered the large in the past, with a pastry and of course you get a crusty roll and butter. This time I ordered a small, and got the pastry to go. I told myself that I'd quit eating when I wasn't hungry anymore. Now, when you're eating something you love, that really isn't easy! I kept hoping I wouldn't feel not hungry until after the mac and cheese was gone! It was really funny. I actually left a bit of bread. TBM wanted pizza for dinner. I had 1 slice. So, all in all, for me, it was a great treat day. Easily half the amount I'd have eaten previously. So yay me!

Now the rub.

Wednesday is my day off so I can play Mah Jongg. I love that stupid game! I've had a FABULOUS week at work. I showed houses on Tuesday that looked like they might lead to a sale. I put an application for residency in for a guy that wants to buy a home. He can't start the process until he's approved. SO, Wednesday I went in to work ONLY to check my computer to see if he was approved yet and then to email him to let him know. I had my oatmeal before I went and I was going to plan my food when I got back home. I knew I'd be at work 10 minutes max. That was at 9AM. I didn't get home from work until 6:30! He was approved AND I sold 2 homes that day, so it was worth it. Here is the blow by blow.

1.)Flew home around 2 to grab something for lunch and take it back to the office. I hadn't cooked the meat for a sandwich yet. I didn't have time to cook an egg. I didn't have any fat free cheese. I didn't have any fruit. I grabbed a yogurt, but I was really hungry. I saw the left over pizza from the previous night. I talked to myself out loud. I took it out. I put it back. I shut the fridge door and leaned on the kitchen sink and talked to myself. I left with the piece of pizza hanging out of my mouth! I figured I'd just count the points for it as I do have 49 extra to work with. No problem.

2.) I sold a house and was on a high! Called TBM and said 'we're going out for Mexican tonight, Mama just sold a house!'. He was of course thrilled...about both!

3.) There's where the nagging began. My mind, the bitch, was giving me grief. You don't need 3 margaritas. You know you'll have 3 because you're a margarita whore and they're only 99 cents tonight. You'll eat a whole basket of chips. Do you REALLY think that's good for you? Will you stop when you're satisfied? No, the alcohol will dull your senses and you'll eat like a pig. Oink oink baby!

4.) I called TBM and told him that no matter how I begged, don't give in and take me to Mexican tonight. We had left overs. He was good with that. He wouldn't have followed through though. If I'd come home and demanded to go, we'd have gone. LeSigh.

5.) I called TBM later and said 'I sold ANOTHER house!'. He was pumped! I said 'We're definitely going to Mexican now!'. He said OK! Asshat.

6.) Doing paperwork, the nagging began again. How am I ever going to learn anything if the very first time I want to eat, I do. I was happy and I eat when I'm happy. I need to quit associating food with emotion. That's what this new program is all about. SOOOOOO I called TBM AGAIN.

7.) He cooked up the ground turkey in the fridge and seasoned it up taco like. He chopped lettuce and diced onions. (not an asshat anymore)I got home and opened the wine bottle and had 1 glass. We had taco salads at home. Yes, I used tortilla chips. Yes, I had real cheese. Yes, I used guac. I did pay attention and I did quit when I wasn't hungry anymore and I didn't have anything else later. I counted the points for ALL of it.

The pizza, the chips, the guac, you name it, I counted all the points. NOW here's the problem. See, I told you this was long. Sorry, it's helping me.

Problem. I get 49 extra points a week...that breaks down to 7 a day. Staying on the SFT program I need to know I have those 7 a day as so many things aren't covered. That one day, THE FIRST DAY OF THE PROGRAM WEEK MIND YOU!!! I used 20 points plus! When the hell did a slice of pizza become 10 points??? Holy crap my glass of wine was 5...glad I didn't have 2!!! That was 3 days of points. THREE DAYS IN ONE DAY!!!

So, Thursday rolled around and holy shit it was hard to stay good. My mind is in a whirl. You can't use points. You need to save them for later in the week. Blah blah blah. It was another long day at work. I ate breakfast before I went and planned my lunch. Of course when I popped home to get my lunch, TBM had eaten it already! It ended up being an on program day but not without a lot of mind games and I didn't like that.

I've learned a lesson from this. I will think long and hard in the future before just grabbing food.

I will be prepared always. Even if it's something in the freezer I can grab and pop in the micro at work.

Yes, I might be old, but I've learned. I had feelings this week I've never had and I don't like them.

I'm trying to do what I tell others all the time. Put it in the past and move on.

It's not easy for sure.

TODAY I'M NOT WORKING! I'M GOING TO GET MY MIND TOGETHER!

Breathing

Peace be the journey

:-)

Excited

2011-08-30T07:43:00.002-04:00

In about an hour I'll be stepping on the scale at my WW meeting.

I'm excited, and nervous.

This week using the Simply Filling Technique has been really awesome. It really got me more in touch with my body and mind.

Why am I nervous? I did so well this week I really want to show a loss. BUT. I didn't begin the program until Thursday so it hasn't had a full week to really compare apples to apples. AND. Before Thursday, I was eating out of control. Wednesday nights dinner was Mexican with mucho margaritas and basket after basket of chips and lots of ooey gooey cheesy food to follow. I do love my Mexican!!!

My mind is all over the place right now. I became a new grandma again last night. My newest angel is named Bree. She was 6 weeks early, but still weighed in at a bit over 5 pounds. I'm praying she thrives.

So, let's just go to bullets and I'll follow up tomorrow with a real blog!

Random thoughts

* I'm going to do this another week

* I didn't eat at night just because I wanted to eat. If I was truly hungry, I had something. I love popcorn. I wanted popcorn. I wasn't hungry so I told myself no.

* The one night I was really hungry, I had popcorn and it was amazing.

* I had to learn new things this week. That was good for me.

* I usually take my weigh in day as a free day. I eat whatever (and usually everything in mass quantities) I want. IF I choose to do this today, I think I will be able to use the 'only eat until satisfied' trick I learned this week.

* Only eating when hungry, and then only eating until satisfied and not full has been amazing.

* I am worried I didn't get all my nutrition in. I will pay more attention this week.

* I didn't eat any junk or processed foods. That's gotta be good!

* If we go to the movie, we go on Tuesday as they have $1 movie popcorn. I won't pay $5.40 for a small popcorn EVER. So, this is huge, from now on, if we go to a movie, it will NOT be on a Tuesday. I will take my own popcorn on another day. You have no idea how big that really is. I'm telling you peeps...that is big!

* I created a lot of new recipes last week. Some of them were really good!!

I'm off to shower and get ready for my meeting. I need to gear myself up for a gain and tell myself it was from what I did BEFORE Thursday and not after. Next week will be a true test of the SFT plan. I want it to work. I like the freedom and the strictness all at the same time. It's what I need in my life right now so I'm really hoping I can make it fly.

Wish me luck!

Peace be the journey

:-)

Weekend Yummies

2011-08-27T20:33:00.003-04:00

I fixed 2 new recipes today.

I don't want to go to jail, so you can get the first recipe here. Hungry Girl...some of her recipes rock, some suck. This one was a winner. It was easy to fix and TBM loved it. I will fix it different next time. Yes, there will be a next time. Here's my take on it. Oh wait, first, I actually took a picture of it simmering in the pot!

OK, my opinion of the recipe. The broth was actually very good. I didn't expect that from canned chicken broth, packaged broccoli slaw, and no veg sweating or anything. I followed the recipe (well mostly) so I'd know if it needed tweaking. It didn't. Changes I made....it called for bamboo shoots. Gag me. I used water chestnuts, that I slivered instead. Awesome choice. Added crunch and loved it. I couldn't find straw mushrooms, so I substituted canned shitake. I won't use schrooms at all next time. They were rubbery and the texture was wrong for the rest of the soup. Also, next time, I won't use won ton wrappers. I'll make tiny meatballs instead. I liked the meat mix, but I didn't like the won ton packages. They were cute and all, but I thought they had a slimy texture that I didn't like.

So, next time it will be Asian meatball soup. Less points too. A win win for me!

I'll tell you about the fruity and tangy meatballs another time.

Peace be the journey

:-)

Good little thinky girl

2011-08-26T08:14:00.002-04:00

We have a dog. OK, technically she's a dog, but I think she thinks she's a cat. She lays on her pillow all day long and only moves to eat and go potty. Much like her owner actually! Ahem. Anyway, she's an old girl, again much like her owner! Years ago, when she'd do something cute or good, TBM would say 'good little (insert task here) girl. If she went potty, she'd be 'good little potty girl', if she took her medicine good, she'd be 'good little medicine girl', etc. It's become a joke with us to apply that term to ourselves. I'll get home from work and TBM will say 'oh you were a good little workey girl'. Ya, we're lame, what can I say!

So, I put my thinking cap on this week, hence the title, 'Good little thinky girl'...bet you thought I'd never get to the tie in eh????

Yesterday was a revelation for me. I've been following the WW program off and on since 1977. Yesterday was the first truly free day I've really ever felt being on program. Wow...that's really saying a lot isn't it??

I'm following what WW calls the Simply Filling Technique...SFT from here on in! It boils down to you eat from a list of power foods. You can have any of it, whenever you are hungry and eat until you are satisfied. Simple? Ahhh, not so fast Jack.

Do you know when you are hungry? Oh sure, sometimes we all do. Sometimes we'll be doing something and our stomach growls, we might even be light headed...in fact, I am both of those right now. BRB I'm going to go eat breakfast! Ahh, much better. Secondly, do you know when you are satisfied? It's not as easy as it sounds.

I spent a lot of time yesterday asking myself if I was hungry. It was lunch time and there I was. Self? Are you hungry? Heavy thinking commenced. OK people, here's my first clue. If I have to stop and ask myself if I'm hungry, I probably am not. That was a bit easier than the satisfied thing.

Dinner time rolled around. I was hungry. I fixed a beautiful meal. I portioned it out on my plate and I couldn't wait to eat it. All of it. It wasn't a big serving and I'd have eaten all that and more on the Points Plus program. I was really enjoying my meal. I stopped half way through and sat there for a minute or two. Made myself really think...am I still hungry? OR, am I satisfied? We all know it takes longer for our brain to register full and we really should quit eating before we get full. So, I think satisfied is the key to the SFT plan. I decided I wasn't still hungry, so that meant I was satisfied. I quit eating. I knew that if I was hungry later, I could have more. I didn't get hungry later.

I wanted to eat when watching TV and several times I had to ask myself, are you hungry? Hmmmm as much as I wanted to feel my tummy rumble because I wanted to eat something, it didn't. Bastard. For the first night in many, many, many nights, I didn't eat anything after dinner.

I don't know if I'll lose anything this week, but it sure is making me think. It's going to help me get in touch with my body, my thoughts, and my feelings. I have to think that's a good thing.

If I go back to Points Plus, and keep implementing the 'eat when hungry and ONLY until satisfied' way of life, I have to think that's a win win!

So far I'm pleased with what I'm learning and how I'm feeling and the freedom it's giving me.

Peace be the journey

:-)

S-U-C-C-E-S-S

2011-08-25T07:46:00.005-04:00

THAT'S THE WAY WE SPELL SUCCESS! GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO TEAM!

Don't suppose any of you remember that cheer from school days? Hrumph, well I do! Yes, tongue is extended here.

As I've gotten older, I may have got a wee bit set in my ways. I know, gasp right? Sitting here this morning, in the quiet, reading and drinking coffee, I read this. OK, here's the 'give credit part'. I was reading my daily email from 'managing menopause'. I think I clicked on the wrong part of it, as this is a series by Jillian Michaels. I do love her. It was a series of questions asking me if I was proactive, or reactive. OK, up to speed now? Here's the meat.

"To succeed in life, you have to be open to changing, learning, and growing. Makes sense, right?"

Well, it does to me. If we want to change our fitness level, or diminish some of our fat stores, we need to make changes. How open are you to change though? Really. Are you a talker about it, or a doer? I don't like change. I like getting up in the morning, drinking coffee, reading emails, blogs, etc. I like to spend 2-3 hours doing this. Then I go to work. I tell myself I should get up and exercise, but I'll do it after work as I like my morning routine. Do I do it after work? Ah no. It's that set in my ways thing. That's gotta change.

"And to change, learn, and grow, you need to have the proper tools. That way, when the opportunities to show your stuff arise, you're ready to take them on and embrace the challenges."

As you know, I follow Weight Watchers. They give me the tools. Do I use them to their fullest? Nope. Damn stubborn woman! This week, I'm changing things up. I'm going to follow their 'Simply Filling Technique'. Scary? You bet your ass. All kinds of windows for a weight gain this week. It will keep me thinking though. Keep me on my toes. The main tool we use in the SFT is our own body to gague hunger. We can eat any of the power foods when we're hungry. Truly hungry. I think a lot of us eat just because it's a meal time. We've been taught to not let ourselves get too hungry or we'll binge. I understand that, but I also think we need to not fear hunger. I feel the slightest tinge of hunger and I think if I don't eat right away I'm going to die. "I'm starving to death" is a favorite phrase of mine. At night, I eat when I'm not hungry. I don't over eat, but I eat. There is no reason, in my humble opinion, to eat if you're not hungry. This week, I'm going to try to let my body be the guide. It's very scary as I have never tried to learn the different phases of hunger. Old dog, new trick. Look at me go!

Tummy, commence rumbling sequence!

Peace be the journey

:-)

Things I've learned being fat

2011-08-24T10:41:00.002-04:00

Being fat all my life, I've learned a few things.

I've learned:

* How to give directions via eating establishments. Go the the McDonald's and turn right. As soon as you see the Dairy Queen, hang a quick left. If you see Arby's, you've gone too far. Make a U turn at Panera Bread and start slowing down when you see the Burger King.

* People can be real assholes to fat folks. They make comments that I guess they think we can't hear because of the fat blockage in our ear canals.

* A lot of the population think fat = stupid, and also fat = lazy. A lot of the population should live a day in my body. They would be amazed how my mind works and how much I can accomplish in a day. F'ing ass hats.

* A can of pringles fits perfectly in the cup holder of your car making for easy snacking.

* If you carefully tear the paper cover off said can of Pringles, you can put it back over the opening and put the plastic cap over that and nobody will know the can is open. They won't want to open it, so you can eat all the Pringles yourself and then toss the can.

* People that are fit and healthy think they know it all. They also feel they have the right to tell you what you are doing wrong with your life. Some will even cut you off because you're too stupid to get it. Thier topple isn't going to be pretty.

* After getting out of the shower, a hair dryer can be used for more than drying hair.

* Desitin isn't just for babies.

* To ask for a table and not a booth in a restaurant.

* That even though I love roller coasters and amusement park rides, I don't fit in them.

* That people think it's OK to joke about my fat to me. I don't joke about your ugliness to you, or your being handicapped. Shut the hell up it's not funny.

* If you hide cookies in a container marked 'vegetable soup' in the freezer, they will be all yours!

* My ass does not fit on the toilets in some public rest rooms without touching things I don't want it to touch.

* One size does not fit all!!

* If you ask one time for a seat belt extender on an airplane, and just never give it back, you never have to ask again. I've had one for 10 years now. I'll leave it when I'm through so it's not like I stole it. I just borrowed it.

* That when seatbelts in cars became manditory years ago, mine didn't go around me.

* Back in the day, my doctors scales didn't go past 300 pounds. I couldn't be weighed.

* In addition, if you went to Weight Watchers at that time, there was a special weight they attached to the scale to allow you to be weighed on their scales.

* That I've met lasting friends here in the blog world that I'd never have met if I'd been fit and trim.

We can't go back and undo. We can only go forward and do.

Peace be the journey

:-)

To coin a phrase

2011-08-23T21:34:00.002-04:00

Personal demons.

I stole that from Jack Sh*t's blog. He was blogging about this guy. It was this guy that used the phrase 'personal demons'. Whew, with me on all that?

OK, here's the scoop. Do you know what your personal demons are? I've often thought of it. I have no idea.

You can't get as fat as I did and not have some kind of emotional or psychological problem. Something is out of whack up there.

I'm not going to boil your bunny or anything, but I'd sure like to know what I'm fighting here. What's off kilter?

I have no freaking idea.

What makes me not take control of my weight/health on a permanent basis?

What makes me want immediate gratification?

What makes me put off until tomorrow, and the day after, and the day after?

What allowed me to lose 170 pounds, and then gain back 60 of it?

I don't know.

I don't suffer from any lack of self confidence. I was never abused as a child. My parents were loving. I had good friends growing up and still do to this day. I did OK in school. I went to college. So, all of the 'usual' demons don't seem to apply to me. I don't know what grisly beast has his talons in me, but I am ready to shed him once and for all.

I had a realization just now though. Perhaps I don't have to know what the problem is. Maybe I'll never know. Maybe I'll just get on with life.

Ya, I like that. I'm going to get on with life. Care to join me?

Peace be the journey

:-)

It's the roids

2011-08-22T18:02:00.003-04:00

OK, here's how it's going to go down.

You know, in the morning. When I go to Weight Watchers. After another, YES ANOTHER, week of unbridled eating.

Weigh In Nancy- Hi! How was your week??

Fat Uber Calorie Konsuming Unendingeating Princess- Awesome!!!

WIN- I'm ready, step on the scale.

FUCK UP- Okey dokey!

WIN- Holy shit! What happened???

FUCK UP- Well, I was giving myself a bikini wax. Yes, I realize that I'm 52 years old, never had one, not sure why I need one, but it just seemed the thing to do. I got a bit carried away with the wax and ripped off things that should have remained in place. I was forced to go to the doctor and she gave me steroids and they made me puff up and retain this 8 pounds.

WIN- So you were a dumb ass hat and ate like a pig again this week? You failed to move your ass AGAIN this week? You ate no fruit, no veg, no milk, and no whole grain AGAIN this week?

FUCK UP- Ya, or it could be that.

Peace be the journey

:-)

Soar to unimagined heights

2011-08-17T08:59:00.003-04:00

My awesome cousin Luanne, who shares my struggle, shared this with me yesterday. I found it extremely deep. So I don't go to jail for plagiarism, it was written by Michael Kelley. The book is called "Rediscovering Catholicism". It just hit my brain as being parallel to weight loss.

I just want to share the quote with you. I want you to read it. Wrap your brain around it. Put your own spin on it. It really hit home to me. I thought 'how true!!!'

Luanne's spin was this:

"Last night the chapter was about what freedom really is. It said freedom isn't about doing whatever you want its about discipline. Doing what ever you think feels good eventually ends in slavery."

Damn, did she get the smart genes in our family or what????

"Discipline awakens us from our philosophical stupor and refines every aspect of the human person. Discipline doesn't enslave or stifle us; rather it sets us free to soar to unimagined heights. It sharpens the human senses allowing us to savor the subtler tastes of life's experiences. Whether those experiences are physical, emotional, intellectual or spiritual, discipline elevates them to their ultimate reality. It heightens every human experience and increases every human ability."

Soar to unimagined heights....wow! Who's with me?????

Peace be the journey

:-)

Notes From The Universe

2011-08-16T07:35:00.003-04:00

"To what extremes would you go, Debby, to bring about your heart's fondest wishes, to manifest your greatest desires, and to live your boldest dreams?

OMG - Did you just say visualize daily and take baby steps?!

Speechless,
The Universe

Look out world, Debby's eyes just closed (you are now closing your eyes to visualize), and everything is about to change."

I've said it before, and I'll say it again. I LOVE MY NOTES FROM THE UNIVERSE!!! You can get your own notes here.

Thoughts become things... choose the good ones! ®
© www.tut.com ®

Peace be the journey

:-)

Abuser or User?

2011-08-15T08:53:00.002-04:00

I've often said I have an addictive personality. Everything I do, I do to excess.

When I smoked, I smoked 4 packs a day.

When I got fat, I got 368 pounds fat.

Ah, but today, when surfing for addictive personality traits, I realized I don't really have one.

Why is that, you ask?

Well, because basically (other than buying things I don't need now and then) those pretty much are the only 'to excess' things I did/do.

I am fine with one glass of wine. I would, however, love to have a glass every night. I don't, because I am afraid it would turn into a whole bottle. Every night.

When I gamble, I only take what I can afford to lose.

I do believe in the grey area. I just haven't mastered it yet. I'm trying to get away from the all or nothing mentality. I know it's there though.

So, sitting here, I wonder if telling myself I have an addictive personality in itself is a crutch?

Do I give myself the green light to eat things I shouldn't, when I shouldn't, because I'm an addict?

Do I tell myself I'll figure it out later, right now I'm a victim?

Do I tell myself I need to sit down and write everything down, get it all on the same page, and THEN I'll know what my problems are?

Yep. I do.

I don't believe anymore that I'm fat because I like food. Oh, I love food, but my unwillingness to curb the eating of bad things, that's more than just liking food.

I believe I've got a brain blip that needs shocking to get back on the right screen.

OK, so now that I believe that, how do we fix it?

I'm thinking NO might work. What a concept eh??

I want to buy a Keurig coffee maker (the $179 one of course). NO!

I really want a new blender. NO!

I want.....NO!

Last night, around 10PM I went into the kitchen. I wasn't really hungry, I just wanted to eat. Kitchen is kind of bare, I chose a banana. Nothing wrong with that you say? Of course there was. I wasn't hungry, I didn't want a banana, I just wanted to eat. Hmmm why? I have NO idea. Did I tell myself no? Nope.

Perhaps the way for me to break my addictions, is just say NO.

If I was truly hungry, a carrot would work.

Do you have this problem? I'm not the only one am I? How do you handle the inner voices?

Today I promise to tell myself NO once.

Who knows, maybe it'll catch on!

Today, I'm telling myself I'm not a food abuser, I'm 'just' a user. Users can quit any time. They're not addicted.

I'll let you know how that works for me!

Peace be the journey

:-)

I gained 10 pounds 10 ounces!!!!!

2011-07-27T21:52:00.005-04:00

My granddaughter Emerson Leigh Braman.

Born today. Ten pounds ten ounces & 21.5 inches long.

Grammy loves you already Emmy. Just wait until Monday when I get there!!

Peace be the journey

:-)

Follow the yellow brick road

2011-07-09T20:27:00.002-04:00

Whoaaaa dude...did I sound just like a munchkin there???? I would so be the one with neon pink hair and pink and white striped socks. I'd be rocking the short skirt and all the other munchkins would be in love with me.

Ahem. No idea where that came from!

Anyhooooo....I'm sure you're all familiar with the story. Four friends taking a hike to find what they want most in the entire world.

Scarecrow wants a brain.

Lion wants courage.

Tin man wants a heart.

Dorothy wants to go home.

They stick together on their arduous journey. Nothing can beat them down because they're a team. Witches? Nope. Living trees? Hell no. Flying monkeys? Bring those evil little critters on. The fab 4 can take them on.

The blog world is like that for me. It's my Oz. Some of you are my wizards. I learn so much from you. Some are my little munchkins. You make me laugh. We might not all be striving for the same thing, but we're all walking down the same yellow brick road to get us where we need to be.

I know I could do it alone, but I don't have to. I have a tough time and I might think of something that one of you said, and all of a sudden, it's a little easier. I talk about you at my WW meetings. You're a part of my life. I get a comment from one of you, and it's like the tin man getting his heart! Someone sends me a text msg saying 'good job', and it's just the same feeling the lion had when the Wiz pinned that badge of courage on him!

One thing I want us all to remember.

When the Fab 4 finally got to meet the great and wise wizard, he showed them they had the power inside themselves to get where they were going, or what they wanted, all the time.

We all have it inside us to reach our goal. We might think we need to search, find the magic potion, but it's within us already.

Follow the yellow brick road.

One brick at a time boys and girls, one brick at a time.

Peace be the journey

:-)

I think therefor I am?

2011-07-07T08:24:00.002-04:00

Morning peeps. This post really isn't 100% about weight loss or exercise. It might pertain though, so go ahead and read it anyway!! It's mental health Thursday!

I get many daily emails. One of them is called 'Managing Menopause'. God help me, I sure the hell need this one!

Just because the friggin monkey on my back is menopause, yours might be loneliness, depression, stupidity. Oops, sorry, menopause made me say that. You see, I've lost all patience with stupid people! If you're stupid, I apologize. Go learn something!

So, a tiny bit of background.

The BEFORE Debby was:
* Happy, full of joy, always
* Worry free (oh there were problems, she just never worried about them)
* Able to leap tall buildings.
* OK, so I couldn't leap, but I could move without pain!
* Patient, caring, giving
* She slept like a baby
* She lost weight if she tried

The AFTER Debby is:
* Happy rarely. Joy is a thing of the past.
* Full of stress and worry.
* Everything hurts so bad it' hard to move. I'm 52 and feel like 92.
* I'd just as soon run you over with my car than take time to help you.
* With anything. Teach you? Screw that shit. Listen to you? No F'in way.
* Sleep? WTF is that???
* I've gained so much weight it just floors me.
* Oh there's a ton more but I've depressed myself here!

So, today I read this little gem and I can't get it off my mind. From that newsletter I told you about remember? I don't want to get sued for plagiarism because I have NO f'ing money! Oh I forgot to add that in my little bullet point above! Ahem, gem. Coming up.

Although we think we act because of the way we feel, in fact, we often feel because of the way we act.

Vicious circle? Catch 22? Maybe. Maybe not.

So, I have a crap day and come home and vent to TBM. Makes me feel better right? Gets it off my chest, clears the air, and I'm 100% now. Not so, according to this article. They say that...oh hell I'm going to do a cut and paste here! "Wrong. Contrary to popular notion, aggressive “venting” doesn't relieve bad feelings, but fuels them. Studies show that blowing up, punching a pillow, yelling, or slamming doors makes you feel worse, not better."

Holy shit I've been doing it wrong! All wrong.

Maybe if I act like I'm happy, I'll get happy?

Maybe if I get out and go for a walk, it'll get easier, and I won't hurt so much?

Let's snowball that just a bit.

If I get out and walk, move, just a bit, maybe it would be easier to lose weight?

For those of you that doubt it, it is MUCH harder to lose weight as you get older. Don't think it's a bunch of BS. I'm here to tell you it's the truth. So, if you're younger, and yes that means under 40, get your ass in gear. It's much easier at that age than it is at 50.

One more tiny thing. Selfishness. I've always considered myself a selfish person. I never hid that or sugar coated it. Oh I loved doing for others, but I didn't skimp on myself. I've quit doing that. I'm not taking time for me. For doing the things that are important to me.

I'm not reading magazines.
I'm not taking time to plan meals.
I'm not making time for exercise.
I'm not making time to pray.
I'm not taking time to find the joy in life. It has to still be there. It couldn't have gone away.
I'm letting worry over run me. I'm letting my health problems get the best of me.

Know what?

I'm fucking done. Today.

Today I will smile more.
Today I will move more.

Although we think we act because of the way we feel, in fact, we often feel because of the way we act.

Today I'm going to try acting more like the old Debby.

Want to play along?

Peace be the journey

:-)

Who are you?

2011-07-01T10:01:00.003-04:00

I'll come right out and say it.

You are who you are in private.

When you're alone, and nobody is around to see you, what you do, what you think, that is who you are.

If you're out in public, and see someone asking for a hand out, and you drop a quarter in his cup, that's not who you are. If you are locking up your office door and there is nobody else around and a homeless guy comes up and asks for money for food. What you do right there, that is who you are.

If you write a weight loss blog, that doesn't mean that is who you are. You can write all day about being healthy. You can write about exercising. What you do when you aren't writing, that is who you are.

Do you like who you are in private? Do you like who you REALLY are?

If not, what are you going to do to change it?

Deep thoughts for today.

Peace be the journey

:-)

PS:Danica is giving away popchips!!! Go check it out quick!

Do you know how it feels?

2011-06-23T07:29:00.003-04:00

To accomplish something?

Can you remember the joy you felt when you set a goal for yourself and reached it?

My friend Heather does. Just read this. Look at this picture.

I'm so proud of her. Not only for her running goal, but her healthy living mojo she passes on to me.

This woman is an inspiration to me. She's reached her weight goal. She's active. I want to be just like her! I woke up this morning fighting with myself to be on program today. Will I? Won't I? Seeing Heather was just what I needed. That and the quote at the bottom of this post that I've adopted as my mantra. It honestly works for me.

A picture is worth a thousand words. I think her picture speaks volumes! Go on, go see it. You know you want to!

I can choose to be a success or I can choose to be a failure. I will be what I choose. I know which I'm choosing today.

Do you?

Peace be the journey

:-)

Yum!!!!

2011-06-17T18:32:00.005-04:00

Well boys and girls...yet again. Someone shared something fabulous!

Frosted cauliflower. Now, don't be sticking your nose up! Give it a chance. At least go over and have a look at it!

Nutmeg Notebook posted this recipe a month or so ago.

I finally tried it tonight! It was fabulous! Really and truly.

I took a picture of mine, but hers is prettier as I forgot the paprika. Do yourself a favor and run over and check this out.

I will fix this again.

And again.

Keep sharing your recipes people. I, for one, appreciate them!!! Thank you Tami for this one!!!

Hey, it was a veg and I liked it!!!

Peace be the journey

:-)

You are so fat!!!!

2011-06-16T22:22:00.002-04:00

Kids are cruel.

Grown ups are too.

Were you mocked as a child? I was. I still am. I've always tried to laugh it off. Play the clown. But you know what? It hurts like hell. It always has. It always will.

I'm watching Extreme Makeover:Weight Loss that I DVR'd on Monday. Dana is walking across a big God damned bridge (will splain that later) and a homeless man is mocking him. A freaking homeless man!! Just yelling out Faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat! Faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat! Cow! Trainer finally can't stand it and goes off on the homeless guy. That's when I hit pause.

I want a trainer. I want every fat person in the world to have someone like that. Someone to jump to our defense, to be there for us when the assholes of the world mock us.

Yes, so OK when pigs fly out of my ass and sprinkle pixie dust that turns into money when it falls. That is when we're going to have someone to defend us always. So I guess we have to do it for ourselves.

Next time someone mocks me I'm not going to laugh. I'm going to let them know it hurt. Then I'm going to let them know they're ignorant mother fuckers because that's just the way I roll. I want to be a 'turn the other cheek' kind of girl....but I'm not. I'm a vindictive bitch.

Have you ever had anyone stand up for you? I don't really count TBM as well, husbands just have to do that shit. Remember, I'm 52 years old. I've had one person stand up for me in 52 years. One. I was 14 years old. My girlfriend Nancy was the hero. We had ridden our bikes down to the convenience store. She was getting a gallon of milk. I was probably buying potato chips. Some boys were laughing and pointing. That was nothing new to me. They always laughed and pointed. God I hated that. It hurt so much. They jeered. Yes, they jeered. One of them said 'Weighs 500 pounds'. Nancy looked with disgust at them. As only a waif of a girl with long blond hair down to her ass could do. If they had nads yet, I'm sure her look could have withered them. She raised her eyebrows and with mock innocence said 'Oh my, does milk weigh that much?'. It shut them up. We left. I knew I had someone in my corner. I have never forgotten that.

Never.

PS: Big God damned bridge. TBM and I were going to New Jersey to visit my brother somewhere around 1983. My dad in all his navigational wisdom was telling us how to get there. We had to cross the George Washington bridge. Daddy couldn't remember the name of it, but he kept calling it 'The big God damned bridge'. He must've said it 20 times! Every time we get on a bridge now, one of us will inevitably ask if it's a 'big God damned bridge'. Daddy died in 2005. He's left me with so many memories I'll never forget.

Never.

Peace be the journey

:-)

Caught with egg on my face

2011-06-15T20:31:00.009-04:00

Oh wow....was I ever! Can't wait until it happens again!!!!

I was reading a few of my favorite blogs, as I'm wont to do when I don't want to do what I really should be doing. C'mon, you know you do it too!!!! Renee from My Kitchen Adventures posted all about these little babies!!!! Yes, I know that's a hell of a long link...I just couldn't decide which part to highlight!

Anyway, silicone egg poachers. Freaking awesome!!!!! Read about hers, read about mine, then run out and get yourself some! They work. No mess, no hassle, very little clean up! Loved them! I don't usually like a lot of pictures, it makes me dizzy to scroll down to look at them. I can't help it, I need to include all 6 here!

Without further ado.....Pixie's version of Huevos Rancheros. Clocked in at 6 PointsPlus. I added some Guiltless Gourmet tortilla chips to the mix for an extra 2 points.

Here is my egg in it's adorable little silicone nest. I sprayed it with non stick cooking spray first.

I brought a few inches of water to boil in the pan and then gently set my little boat afloat. I covered the pan.

I set the timer.

I used a slotted spoon to remove the egg. Pan is pristine. Slotted spoon clean as all it touched was the silicone cup.

One little slip of my spoon around the edge of the cup and the egg slid right out onto my waiting mountain of goodness. Not one thing left in that silicone cup. Clean as a whistle. Nothing stuck. Getting the idea it worked well???

Finished product. It was so good! The egg made it rich. I even forgot the chips until half way through the meal. Yes, that is indeed a dinner plate. It was a mountain of yumminess!

It was a meal I'd eat again in an instant. I make my own taco meat with ground turkey. I had 1/4 cup of fat free refried beans on the bottom. Yes TJ that is indeed green stuff! Romaine. A little salsa for zing. Yummy!

I got these Norpro egg cups from Amazon. I ordered 1 set of 2. I just now placed an order for 5 more sets. I wanted another for myself and several of my friends in the park wanted them too after hearing me rave about them at Mah Jongg today. I'm sure you can find them at a local store. I give them two thumbs up!

Peace be the journey

:-)

Notes from the Universe

2011-06-14T07:18:00.003-04:00

You all know I really enjoy the notes from the universe I get in my inbox daily. Some days they make me smile, some days they're lame, but some days they really resonate with me. Take this one for example.....

All that you need to have all that you want, Debby, will be provided, as if by magic, once you know what you want and do something about it every day.

No matter what,
The Universe

Wow....what a concept! What if when we were floundering, or even off the deep end in our journey to health, hotness, or hell I don't know what, if we just did something every day.

When I was so far off plan here the last year, I didn't really know where to begin. It seemed overwhelming to me to just give up the bad habits and dive into the good. That's what took so long. 65 pounds long.

What if, when I fell off the horse and the bastard ran away on me, I did just one thing. What if I ate one veg a day. What if I did that for a whole week and then the next week did something else? What if I went for a 5 minute walk instead of doing nothing at all? Maybe after a few weeks, the gap between my insane out of control life style & some semblance of healthy behavior wouldn't have seemed so wide.

Are you out there in the same boat I was? Sinking fast? You know what you want...it just seems to difficult to obtain it.

Today do something.

Anything.

One thing.

No matter what.

Peace be the journey

:-)

Let us begin it

2011-06-07T23:04:00.007-04:00

No, not the grace that my father would say if allowed.....

Let us begin it.
Take a potato and skin it.
Pass the cake for Christ's sake.
Amen.

Sorry, that came to mind, therefor, had to be shared.

Tomorrow is the day I get back on program. By the time any of you read this, it will be the day. It's been a long time coming. I've been dragging my feet. Making every excuse in the book. Even tonight I caught myself thinking...just one more day. I'll start Thursday. Well, I've one more day'd myself into about 65 extra pounds that I didn't have a year ago. That I didn't need. That I didn't want.

So, enough with the 'tomorrow'. Tomorrow is here and it's now today.

I can choose to be a success or I can choose to be a failure. I will be whichever I choose.

What do I choose? This was me 65 pounds ago. I choose to be this again.

What do I choose? This was me 65 pounds ago. I choose to get here again.

What do I choose? This was me 65 pounds ago. I choose to be that girl again.

One vision. One goal.

Peace be the journey.

:-)

Ready! Set! Go!

2011-06-06T13:19:00.002-04:00

BANG! The starter pistol fires, my team mate shoots off the block. Holy shit she's going like someone lit a fire under her ass! She hands off to the next team mate. He's going so fast he's a freaking blur! He comes close to the next team mate. Baton extended, it's a perfect transfer! Team mate number 3 is running balls to the wall. Her head is high, her legs pumping like pistons! Our team is going for a state record! No way we can't win! I shake out the wiggles. I take a deep breath and get into position. I'm looking forward, my hand is extended backwards. I can hear my team mate coming. I can hear her feet pounding the track, I can hear her breath. I start to move. I feel the baton slide into my hand. As my fingers close around that baton I feel it slip. I feel the gut wrenching agony as it slips out of my hand. In that split second, I lose the state record. I let my team down. All their hard work is for naught. I had one chance and I blew it.

Thank fuck weight loss isn't like that eh?????

How many times have we dropped the baton? I know I've dropped that bitch so many times I can't count them.

What's the difference between a 4 by 4 relay and weight loss when it comes to dropping the baton? Well, in weight loss you can pick it up and keep going. You can pick it up, dust it off, and continue on your journey. You can still win. That is so deep I need to say it again.

You can still win.

Have you started a weight loss program so many times you can't count? So what. Start it again. This time might be the time you win. You can't win if you don't keep trying that's for damn sure.

Take a deep breath, push your fears aside, grab a fresh baton and spring off that starting block. Oh, you might falter, you might fall flat on your face. You're rusty after all. It's fine. It's a healthy lifestyle. It's not a one shot deal.

People may give you eye rolls. I mean really, you've tried this so many times before. Screw them and the horse they rode in on. Just do it for you. Nobody else. Just you.

There is a winner in each of us just aching to get out. I've been stuffing my winner with food. I've been sitting on my fat ass so she can't excel. Well, enough is enough. That bitch wants out! She wants to show me what she's got.

I think I'll let her.

How about you? Are you squashing your inner winner? How about assuming the position and reaching for that baton? You can be on my team! You know.....the winning team!

Peace be the journey

:-)

Brava!

2011-06-01T11:04:00.005-04:00

Well boys and girls....can we all give each other a big bravo or brava! C'mon, you know you want to. Let me hear you.

OK, I hear you saying 'What the hell?? Is she back on the crack again???' Stop that! In case you don't know, at WW they hand out little stars that say 'bravo' on them when you do something good. You know, like when you were in kindergarten and got a gold star in the middle of your forehead? I went to Catholic school and the nuns had it in for me so I never got one of those. Bitches scarred me for life I tell ya! I try to make up for it in Bravo's.

My Weight Watcher meeting was good yesterday. I took a picture of the flip board the minute I walked in as I knew just who I wanted to hand a great big BRAVA to!

I mean I saw it, I read it, and immediately put it on Facebook for my gal TJ. Oh, I didn't stop there. When we discussed this in class, I shared just how much she has done for me. In case you don't know it, this girl has her doctorate in sticktoitidness. That is not an easy degree to earn! She is the perfect example of what happens a few ounces at a time. There is just nothing I can say to get across to her how much she motivates me always. Always.

It also got me thinking. Do we thank the people that mean a lot to us? If we don't, how will they know? Does TJ know what she's done for me? Probably not and I need to rectify that. We all need a foundation and a lot of the blogs I read provide that for me.

This was the last page at our meeting. My challenge for the week. So, I'd like to hand out great big thank you's now.

I read a lot of blogs. I only read the ones that inspire me, make me laugh, give me good recipes, make me think, or move me in some way or another. If I'm reading your blog, it's because you have done one or more of those things for me. I'd like to thank you. You just know I'm going to forget someone...I'm old. I forget. I'm sorry. I'm only talking about my healthy living blogs here. So, if you're another type of blog writer and you're not mentioned here, don't get your tighty whities in a bunch!

I miss Carlos and Fat Daddy. See, even if you quit blogging, sometimes you have made a lasting impression.

Heather gives me great recipes. She was a WW leader and has so much to offer. I'm still waiting for my 3 month journal cover from her! I just know it's going to be pink.

Diane. Wow. Just wow.

Simone. This young chickie is going to get her shit together one of these days and I'm going to be able to say I was there when she did it! I'm also going to meet her when I go to England next. She just doesn't know it yet.

Sue. OMG l augh until I nearly wet myself. I LOVE her name. She took a bit of crap for it at Fitbloggin...but I just love it.

Jack. Some of his shi* makes me snort. Some makes me think.

I love the recipes. TJ of course does a lot, but so does Point-less meals, Danica, Tami, & Renee.

Marcy inspires me.

Let's not forget our very own Portuguese Princess or Suzi. Suzi, for your information has reached goal. GOAL PEOPLE!!!!! She makes me think, and makes me laugh til I tinkle. Gotta love that combo!

So, from the bottom of my little Pixie heart I thank all of you. One of these days I'm going to get my poop in a group and it's because you were all my foundation!

Peace be the journey

:-)

Changing the filter?

2011-05-26T12:09:00.002-04:00

Hi peeps!

I had several emails today asking where I've been. How awesome was that? Well, I guess I was listening to Thumper. If you don't have something nice to say, don't say nothin at all. I didn't have anything nice to say.

I just read a post by one of my faves where she talked about not having a filter.

I used to have one. I think it's clogged. I think it might need changing. I think a lot of things need changing. Except life. I am SO f'ing over this change of life shit. So, today, I'm taking the filter off. No rays of sunshine shooting out of my ass today boys and girls. Today, you get to hear how the real me is feeling. I'm not sure I've ever shared that. I wish to do it. Once. Just once. Yes, ONLY once.

Why? I've been happy all my life. I thought depression was in your mind. No pun intended. You're not feeling happy? WTF is wrong with you? Suck it up, think happy thoughts and fart rainbows.

My life used to be filled with joy. Even when things went wrong, I was happy. I could ALWAYS find a bright spot. Riding around the park on the golf cart with the sun in my face and the breeze through my hair brought pure, unadulterated joy to my heart. Now? Not so much.

Things started going wrong. Still there was joy. My knees started hurting. A lot. Oh that's OK, knees aren't that important. Hips went the same way. Well, who needs hips anyway. Fingers locked up to the point I couldn't fasten my own bra. Thank God the shots helped with that. They're getting bad again now. Shoulder seized up. Therapy didn't help. Now my head is aching along with every single other joint in my whole body. Enough of this shit already! What's wrong with me? Do I have Lyme disease? I mean this started all at once. Why me? Oh yes, I also have a pain in my heel that is excruciating! It's not on the bottom where a bone spur would be...it's on the side...like I broke the damn thing. I wear shoes ALWAYS as it hurts to walk barefoot. My walking gait has totally changed. Now I lumber, I limp, I walk like an 80 year old. Getting out of the chair is agony. Fuck me sideways I'm falling apart.

The excessive thirst is driving me berserk. It's there always. It's intense. I can't go into a store without a bottle of water or I have a panic attack. WTF??? Yes, she did check for diabetes. I don't have it. She checked my thyroid too.

I've got these tiny little patches of itchy on my body. Hip, stomach, breast, just to name a few.

Don't even get me started on the tinnitus! OMG that'll drive you nuts if you let it.

Did I mention that on many occasions I don't make it to the bathroom? Ya, well I don't.

If I make a doc appointment to start sorting some of this shit out, she'll yell at me for gaining weight. I don't take that well these days.

Lots of ladies in the park keep telling me to go get hormones. That was easy for them in their day. They didn't know it could kill you. I'm trying to suck it up, tough it out, I really am. I just don't know if I can.

Shall I delve into the mental anguish? Oh let's do!

Money. You either have it or you don't. We used to. Now we don't. That sucks ass. I worry constantly. That's new also. I never worried before. If troublesome thoughts came into my mind, I shooed them out. Happy reigned supreme. Now I worry that we won't make it from check to check. My boy needed money for a new car. I didn't have it to give. I felt useless. I know, it's not my problem. I don't have a problem letting my kids stand on their own feet. I have a problem knowing that I can't help if I want to. The $1700 I gave him has to be paid back and I hate that. I'm not a doormat, never have been. I'm a mom. My dad helped me and I always wanted to help my kids. I at least wanted the ability to help them. As I said, I can and do say no. My job is seasonal. I don't know if I'll be asked back in October. If I knew that, I could relax. I just don't know. Den finally got a job this week. It took him 7 weeks. I had to stroke his psyche as that was new for him. He's always been able to walk out the door and get a job. Things are tough these days. I mean when it's hard for a guy with 35+ years experience as a chef to get a cooking job. It's sucking the big weenie for sure.

Friends. I'm so blessed to have a lot of good friends. I fear I'll drive them all away with the new me. I want the old me back. I want the old me that didn't get sudden, intense, feelings of anger and hatred coursing through her body and spewing out of her mouth. I used to laugh and say I was a bitch. Now I am one. I want my friends to understand this and not use it against me. I need them to just understand it's not me and I can't help it.

I want to laugh again.

I never ever ever went a day without laughing. Hell, I never went an hour without laughing! I miss that.

So? Where have I been?

Pouting.

Wallowing in misery.

Bathing in pain.

Listening to the ugly that people tell me and believing it. Letting them drag me down to their level.

Gaining 60 pounds.

Feeling unloved and unwanted.

Getting unhealthy.

Crying. WTF I haven't cried in 30 years. Can't say that anymore!

Holy fuck that felt good. I guess I may be a bottler. Easier to bottle it up, eat it, than let it all out. I actually have a little glimmer of hope here now.

I think that may be all. I think this needs not be mentioned again. I think I'll just work on getting happy. Getting my mojo back.

I'll let you know how that works for me!!!

Screw, screw, screw. That's me putting the filter back on.

Not too tight though.....

C'est finis.

:-)

That's about the size of it

2011-02-06T18:02:00.002-05:00

Well, for those of you that email me, no, I'm not dead!

Busy? Hell yes.

I was in a mood. What can I say? Menopause is killing me. Damn near literally. I took one snarky comment to heart and said fuck it all, I'm not blogging anymore.

Now I say fuck it all...if you don't like what I write, don't read it. Don't critique my grammar, I'm not using any. Don't tell me I should write about this or that, it's my blog. I'll write about whatever I want. Don't piss me off or I'll either stab you in the brain, or cry tears all over you. Depending on what kind of day it is, I might pee on you. I'm telling you, menopause is NOT for sissies!

OMG WHITE WINE WENT UP TO 7 POINTS PLUS FOR A CUP!!!

Did I mention my mind wanders these days?

No? Well it does. My friend keeps saying he wants the old Debby back. So do I my friend, so do I.

The other day I sold a dresser. I went to put the $100 bill in my super secret envelope. It wasn't where I hide it. Oh dear Lord where was it? I looked everywhere. I took everything out of my closet & drawers. I looked in all my shoes I looked under the bed. I looked out in the shed. Ya, don't ask. I knew I'd taken it out of it's super secret hiding place to take $150 out for the guy putting in my new high rise toilets. I didn't want to put it back there, cuz maybe he saw me take it out, ya know? Ian found it. In the living room, stuffed into a book. A book that I had no recollection of stuffing anything into, never mind several hundred dollars. I put it in the bank. Shoot I was afraid I'd flush it down the toilet or something!

OFFS, I had NO intention of talking about any of that.

A matter of size.

Trying to get things in order here. Needed to unload a dresser for Ian. Thought I'd separate all the clothes of mine that were in the dresser into sizes and put them in under bed storage according to size.

I've never been one to have this problem. I've heard others talk about having several larger size clothes sets at hand. Not me. Only one. The one I'm in. That was fine until I gained a few pounds last winter. OK, more than a few. Still OK, until I was going on a cruise and had nothing comfortable to wear. So I bought a wardrobe. A bigger one. Retire the smaller one.

That was fine until spring. When it was time to go back to Michigan to get the house ready to sell and work my fat ass off all summer at the restaurant. I didn't have any clothes that were comfortable enough to ride 1500 miles in the truck in. So I bought a new wardrobe. A bigger one. Retire the smaller one.

That was fine until August when it was time to come back to Florida. My new home. The place where my heart, soul, and body belong. I didn't have any clothes that were comfortable enough to ride 1500 miles in the truck in. So I bought a new wardrobe. A bigger one. Retire the smaller one.

That was fine until it wasn't....you know the drill by now right?

I've never done this. I was actually shocked to put one crate with size 14's under Ian's bed. Followed by another with 16's & 18's. Followed by another with 20's & 22's. Panties ranging in size from 8-12...all under the bed. They're all too small.

OMG!!!!!

Let me say that again.

OMG!!!!!

Yes, I'm wearing a size 24 jeans. Granted, they are too big and I could easily wear a size 22, but for some fucking reason, I don't have any of that size!!!! So, I'm in a size 24.

Fuck me sideways.

I went back to Weight Watchers 3 weeks ago. I did nothing for the first 2 weeks. Then I had a stern talk with myself.

So, I'm back with the program.

Old dog, learning new tricks.

At least when I get too small for the clothes I'm wearing now, I'm covered.

Literally.

When I get into the smaller ones, the bigger ones are going to charity. I'd like to say for the last time. I believe in my heart for the last time. I can't do this again. I just can't.

I'm back boys and girls.

I've a lot more to say.

Another day.

Peace be the journey.

:-)

Not Mrs. Frankenstein

2010-11-16T07:37:00.002-05:00

But I'm alive!!!

Woooofreakinhooo!

I wasn't worried about the procedure, I was just worried I'd not come out of the anesthesia. I did! I really want to thank all of you that sent emails. Big hugs and kisses all around. Do so love my friends. Yes, even the one that called me at 10PM and woke me up and I couldn't go back to sleep after that. Love you the most...well since you're family I kinda have to eh? BTW, when you come to FL this winter, we MUST get together. I'll take a day off work even!

OK, so peeps? It's getting time for this tub of lard to reduce to a small container of reduced fat, non hydrogenated, spread.

Ya, so the M & M's and wine have added 4 pounds to me. Maybe it was the bags of saline solution? Ya, I'll go with that instead!

I just finished tearing out a lot of recipes from the newest WW magazine. Some of them sound really good.

I'm going to start walking Wednesday. I can't shower until then, and well, you get the drift of putting off the walk eh?

We're having chicken lasagna for dinner tonight. It does have broccoli in it. I'm thinking a small piece with a green salad. Somehow gotta figure this crap out. If dinner is a bit higher point/calorie/whatever, lunch could be skinnied down. Turkey on whole wheat with tomatoes and avocado for lunch. Sorted.

I gave up my WW membership. I can't go to the meetings because of my new job. That means I've lost my online recipe builder. I loved that. Input the ingredients, and it would tell me how many points. So, sitting here feeling deprived...doh. Calories. It really is about calories in and calories out no matter what plan you're on. WW has just done it for us with the point system. So, I'll have to do it by hand, but I can figure calories. If anyone knows of a good online calorie dohickey, let me know.

OK, in rambling mode now. Just wanted to touch base. Let you know I made it and I'm wanting to get back on the wagon.

Thank you to all of you who cared!!!

Peace be the journey

:-)

Private!

2010-11-14T19:09:00.003-05:00

Funny a person that writes a blog for the world to read is really very private about some things.

Oh I don't mind telling you about my fat and my sagging skin. I have no aversion to discussing my armpit hair or my twat (I had to put that in as my MIL hates that word and I do try to work it into conversation now and then). Sex doesn't embarass me, and you all fucking know that foul language doesn't upset me. I don't mind telling you about my aches and pains. I do, however, abhor talking about my serious health problems when they arise.

I'm sitting here right now feeling very selfish. I know my friend wants to be with me, to lend me encouragement, but I haven't let her.

I'm having surgery tomorrow. I haven't told many people. I only told my kids yesterday. Shit, I just realized I forgot to tell one of my kids and now he's probably going to be pissed at me too. So, if you're a good friend, or some of my family that I didn't tell, don't be upset.

I don't like to be fussed at. I like to deal with these things all by myself. Internal. It's not that I don't want anyone to know, I just don't like drama. I hate the look of 'oh my God' in their eyes. I hate telling details over and over. Selfish? Yep. So sue me. That's the way I am.

I'm not a worrier. If I die tomorrow, it'll suck ass for sure. Worrying isn't going to change any of that. Am I sitting here drinking wine and eating M & M's out of the bag? You bet your ass I am. If I do kick off, I'd be so fucking pissed off at myself for not indulging! Will I be upset at myself when I wake up from the anesthesia and realize I drank a bottle of wine and ate a pound of peanut M & M's for nothing? Hell no...hello....woke up from the anesthesia! Also, peeps, peanut M & M's are never for nothing!

I wasn't going to mention anything here, but if you never heard from me again you'd wonder why!

So, when I wake up tomorrow, I have no reason not to start exercising and eating right. See, I didn't bother the last month as...well what a waste of time just in case...ya know??? I'll expect no mercy after tomorrow.

Anesthesia makes me puke...that should negate the M & M's right?

Peace be the journey

:-)

I can do it all by myself!

2010-11-07T07:08:00.002-05:00

How often did we hear that when our kids were little. Or, how often are you hearing it now if you haven't got yours all grown up???

I am catching up on emails today and hopefully a few blogs too. My house is going to get some attention and I'm going to put a fabulous meal into the crock pot as I'm picking a friend up from the airport today. I'm also going to pack up everything from yesterdays garage sale. Lots to do. Right now, however, is ME time. I'm loving it. TBM is still at work, the sun is coming in my window (though it's so f'ing cold I can't believe it! Florida should NOT be 45 degrees!!!), it's quiet, and I had about 11 hours of sleep. Life is good.

So, back to the little foot stamping "I can do it all by myself!'

Reading one of my daily health emails, she was talking about diet sabateurs. Friends or family that try to screw up your diet, your healthy plans. Do you have those in your life? I don't. I can do it all by myself with no help from the outside!!!!

I have friends that really want to help. They try everything, but I'm the one to thwart myself. Spoiled brat? You betcha.

My friend Mary K. asked me to help her. I thought that was a euphamism for 'come on you moron, I'll pretend I need help so you'll get your fat ass up and do something healthy for yourself'. Um, no, it didn't. I'm not helping her, but she's out walking almost daily. She really did want my help and I let her down. Some helper I am.

Another friend Marty is always telling me what a role model I am and how I inspire her. So, what do I do? Gain 50 pounds and flounder like a fish on dry land. Some role model I am.

My friend Ian is arriving today for 6 months. He always tries to help. In truth, we can help each other. He doesn't know a lot about healthy eating, but he's a good walker.

I think I'm going to work on the circle of life here. If I help Ian with his diet, he can help me with my walking. If I try try to help MK with what she needs, maybe I'll get back to being a role model for Marty. All three of them can help me so very much.

Maybe it's time to stop being a 2 year old.

Maybe I can't do it all by myself.

Hmmmm what a concept. I do it with the help of others...doesn't mean I didn't do it!

Peace be the journey

:-)

Everyday life

2010-10-31T12:30:00.003-04:00

I find it amazing how many times something said in everyday life, not meant to be about getting healthy, really relates.

For example. TBM had a gross thing on his ear. Had it shaved off 3 different times, burned off once. Just now had it cut out. It was cancer. He was told this.

"Shaving it off doesn't get the root."

Just like my journey to healthy living. Maybe not yours, but mine.

I can go gung ho at a weight loss program. Exercise like a machine. Then, much like a car that has just rolled 1 mile over warranty, screech to a grinding halt.

I must get to the root of my overeating. I can't just keep shaving it off the top. I always thought I'd lose the weight and then figure out what my problem was so it didn't come back. Oops, found out that was the wrong order for me!

I have to find out what's at the root of my overeating. WHY do I do it? THEN lose the weight and keep it off.

I really hate how I feel right now. I'm not comfortable in any of my clothes. None of them. Hate the feeling. So, what makes me keep shoveling it in? Good stuff to ponder for sure.

I hiked my butt out this morning for a walk. My knees are killing me. I keep telling myself they'll feel better with every pound I get off.

Just call me Dr. Debby as I'm going to get to the root of this. Yep I am.

Peace be the journey

:-)

Deep

2010-10-26T07:20:00.003-04:00

You all know I love my 'notes from the Universe'.

Everyone, Debby, lives the life of their choosing.

Not just what they chose, but what they're choosing.

Game on,
The Universe

Game on indeed.

I am fat because I choose to eat food that isn't wise. My knees hurt because I'm fat because I chose to eat junk. Lots of junk. I intend to start choosing differently. I made me what I am, and I can change me. Oh hell ya!

Today I choose to use my lunch hour to move my bod in the pool.

Today I choose to not eat potato chips.

Today I choose to eat a fruit and a veg.

Today I choose to treat my body better so it will treat me better.

My biggest choice today is to start blogging about once a month. I'm having trouble fitting everything in with a full time job. I'm just not used to it. It's what I have to do for me. I have time to either read blogs or write blogs. I choose read for now.

Peace be the journey

:-)

Endurance

2010-10-22T06:58:00.004-04:00

About a month ago someone asked me to do a guest post for their blog. I never saw it there, and I sure didn't want to waste it! Sharing it here today.

Going to a new doc today at 9. Hope it's a fit. If not, I'll keep looking.

Man it's something that is needed in weight loss and healthy living for sure.

When X asked me to blog on endurance, I thought it could be a quite interesting topic.

I read a lot of blogs and lots of them are rock stars of endurance. I'm not going to use links here as this isn't my blog. If you mosey on over to my blog you'll be able to find all the people I talk about here in my blogroll. Wow, I just went to check and I only had like 4 on my blog roll....fixed that pronto!

OK, so of course the first one that comes to mind is TJ. OMG she is the queen of endurance. Loses slowly, but never gives up. Sticks with it. True endurance. Bitchcakes has been with it for ages, and reached goal and is maintaining. Endurance. Fit to the Finish, wow she's been at goal for ages. Endurance. Heather, goal, former Weight Watcher leader, keepin it off. Endurance. The list like that goes on.

There's another list though. A list of those of us that have tried, slipped a little (OK a lot!), tried again, slipped some more, tried again...seeing a pattern here?

Bigger Boat, Fat Daddy, Mason's Mommy, Puffypixie, CJ, this list also goes on.

Who has endurance? Those from list A, or those from list B? I'm here to tell you both of them.

If you're a member of list B, do not, and I repeat, do NOT think you have failed. It takes true endurance to keep trying. I don't give a shit what some out there think. Trying again after it didn't go so well the first time is true freaking endurance. Hell yes it is. We're like the Energizer Rabbit...keep going and going and going.

We learn from our screw ups. We get back up on that horse and we try again. We may not make it this time either, but by golly we're going to learn something in the process. We will get it one day. We really will. I have confidence.

I've learned that the more times I don't succeed, the harder it is to gain back lost ground. Not fair, and it sucks. So, knowing that, this time, I intend to not give up lost ground. I've claimed it, climbed to the top and stuck my flag in it, it's mine. I'm not looking at how much ground I have to cover, I'm looking at what I've got under my belt.

Lemme splain. You were on a weight loss program. You were exercising, and you lost 50 pounds and you felt great. You had a blip and you gained 60 pounds. Oh the horror. None of the rest of us have ever done that! So, now, you're back. You look at that 60 pounds now you have to lose on top of maybe some more. Crap, that's a lot. If only you'd not gained that 50 back.

Well cupcake, the if only's aren't going to help you or me. Hell yes, if only I hadn't gained back 50 of the pounds I lost, I'd only have 50 more to get to goal and now I have 100. How the hell is dwelling on that going to help me? It's not. I gained them, they're securely ensconced on my ass, thighs, stomach, you name it. I was stupid and I did it to myself. Oops, it's done. I can't undo it no matter how much I'd like to. So, because I have endurance, I'm back. Hopefully smarter and stronger this time. So like Grant took Richmond, Pixie is taking on the blubber. One pound at a time.

C'mon peeps, come join me.

Endurance today.
Endurance tomorrow.
Endurance forever.

Peace be the journey

Boy Scout Debby

2010-10-21T07:15:00.002-04:00

Man this week is so much better than last. The crockpot has been awesome. Two fantastic dinners. Last night TBM had off and I was dying for tacos. Super TBM to the resuce! He went to the store (I know! Gasp!), and got ground turkey and maters and a few other things. I got home from work 15 minutes early and since he was whipping up dinner, I sat with a glass of wine and my feet up. Oh ya, that's what I'm talking about! I can't wait to see if my little changes are paying off.

In the past, if I wasn't strictly on program, I was strictly off program. If I wanted tacos, it would have been ground beef, tons of guac, piles of cheese, oh and yes, lets pour on the sour cream. Yesterday I asked him to get ground turkey and we used Greek Yogurt instead of sour cream. We also SHARED a 100 calorie pack of guacamole! That's unheard of ppl! It will be so interesting at my WI next week.

My note from the universe today was a little spur in a further direction. I'm not exercising at all. Here it is. Maybe it'll light a little fire under you too.

Although there are a few exceptions, Debby, the more you do, the more you'll get, by huge margins. HUGE.

So unless an exception applies to you, I say do more.

Huge,
The Universe

Hmmmmmm so even though I'm doing something, maybe I could do a little more? Freakin awesome. I can do more.

Can you?

Peace be the journey

:-)

Reinventing the wheel

2010-10-17T09:51:00.003-04:00

I hear that a lot. Don't re-invent the wheel.

Well, was that very first wheel perfect? I doubt it. I bet it needed a bit of tweaking.

Life is like that for me. Maybe not for you, but for me it is.

I was forced to go back to work. Oh, no part time job for me. Oh no, I had to jump in with a 40 hour work week. To say I am not used to this is an understatement!

I have worried a few of my friends with my comments about burning at both ends etc. I need to make things perfectly clear here. Of course I don't want to work, but the job is good. It's right up my alley. It's not physically demanding. I swore I would never do that again. This summer working in the restaurant, coming home every night in tears sucked. This job is excellent, if you have to work. I'm learning new programs on the computer. I get to interact with people. I'm challenging myself and winning and that makes me feel great. I like the job. Will I continue with it after both our houses and our 5th wheel and truck sell? I don't know. I would if it could be done part time, but it can't. I really do love it though, so probably! So, now that that is clear as muc. Let's reinvent shall we?

This last week was difficult as it was all new. I wasn't prepared. I didn't quite know how to go about getting prepared. I tried a few things, they didn't work, so I tried a few more. I'm getting it.

As you know I'm an avid Weight Watchers supporter. I think it's a fantastic program. It works. It really does. I made the difficult decision to cancel my membership. I can't go to meetings. I do know the program. I can use the $40 elsewhere for sure. Money wasn't the reason I cancelled it though. My brain needs a rest. Excuse? Maybe. I know that this week it was all I could do to grab anything to eat, never mind counting points or figuring recipes. That's not going to work for sure! There are bowls of candy sitting around at work and huge bags of individual sized chips. All my favorite things. So, reinventing and preparation were in my future for sure. I couldn't face it M-F, but as I have weekends off for right now, I made it my goal to tackle it yesterday and today.

I've decided to try to do what I've read so many places. Eat less and move more. One step further, I'm going to try eating more whole foods, more healthy options. Incorporate more fruit and veg into my life. I'm planning ahead for the week to come. I planned meals, made a list, and we'll shop later when TBM gets up.

I asked for help. TBM works 3 days a week, midnights. I've asked him to fix dinner on his days off. I'll fix his on the days he works. Sounded like a fair trade to me and he agreed. I'm going to use the crock pot more. I'm going to prepare foods on my days off and freeze them. I thought partial preparation would work. It didn't. Example. I got up Friday morning and put chicken on to simmer. I asked Den to drain it, take the meat from the bone and put it in the fridge so I could make soup when I got home from work. He even chopped the celery, onion, and carrot for me. Bless. I got home at 5:30 and I was just beat. I wanted brown rice in the soup. I like my brown rice to cook about an hour. I didn't want to wait that long to eat. Lesson learned. Wheel reinvented so to speak. I know now that I need food totally prepared or I'm just going to grab what I can. Cooked brown rice freezes well. I shall cook a batch today and freeze it in 1 cup portions for recipes.

So many of you have given me great ideas. I want you to know how much I appreciate them. Yes, I worked a lot of hours and still ran with my kids when they were little. I was younger then. That plays a huge factor. I'm not over the hill by any means, but it is harder now than it was then for sure.

There aren't enough hours in the day to do all I want to do so I have to prioritize. I have to keep my mind sane and my body healthy. Balance is my motto.

I'm going to get this. I really am.

Peace be the journey

:-)

Give me strength

2010-10-14T20:18:00.001-04:00

On the day that you were born

2010-10-13T06:39:00.002-04:00

Sing it with me....

The angels got together and decided to create a dream come true!

OK, so I don't have hair of gold, eyes of blue, or a penis, but I'm sure the angels were really singing about me and that brother and sister duo just changed the words around!

I love my birthday. Weird for most women I know. It's my day. Feel free to adore me at will.

I'm 52 today. I don't bother lying about my age. It's just a number. Always has been. Didn't mind turning 40 or 50. Just means a day to get bigger presents!

Big new plans coming in my weight loss journey. Planning to be done because of the new job. Looking forward to the challenge.

Life is good.

Peace be the journey

:-)

What a way to make a living

2010-10-12T07:30:00.002-04:00

Working 9-5

Wow. I never thought I'd be doing the 9-5 thing again. Actually, I never did the 9-5 thing. I owned my own daycare back in the day. I made my own hours. They were 7-5 but still, I made them.

This is scary as hell people. I wanted a part time job. One day a week. We're in financial difficulty, but if we're frugal, we'll be OK. We HAVE to sell the house in Michigan. We HAVE to sell the smaller house here in Florida. We HAVE to sell the 5th wheel and the truck. After that, we'll be fine. Until then? It's freaking hell. I'm not complaining. I know people have it a whole shit load worse for sure. Our financial situation right now is of our own choosing. Lots today sure can't say that! TBM has 3 days at work, hoping to pick up 2 more. So far, that's not happening. So, I'd pitch in, get a day a week in the office at the park. Ya, well, that turned into 40+ somehow! WTF????

I have to learn things. I have to learn to be prepared ahead. I did NOT want to fix dinner last night when I got out of work. Well, that's a bad example as yesterday I got up at 6, went to the dermatologist, had something frozen off my head, rushed home and went to work, skipping both breakfast AND lunch. Rushed out of work at 4:45 to get to WW then rushed to eat dinner and rushed to shop. STOP THE FUCKING TRAIN! This is NOT going to be my life. I'm too old for this shit! OMG people, how DO you do this?????

So, now here it is 8am of another 9-5 day and I'm in my nightie typing this drinking coffee chatting on AIM to a friend. Breakfast? Nope. Hell I'm not even dressed yet. Lunch? No frigging idea. Dinner? Hell no, definitely no idea about that.

Kinda scared peeps.

Peace be the journey

:-)

Stop thief!!!!

2010-10-09T09:09:00.003-04:00

Too late!

OMG I had to share this picture that I borrowed (stole) from my friend Sally. OK, so she's not my friend, she probably doesn't even know who I am, but you understand the term friend in blogspeak right? I'm a happiness whore. If you make me laugh, you are my friend. So, this morning, Sally is my BFF for sure. I laughed right out loud. Before I finished my coffee. Quite unsettling actually. I got looks of horror from the hubster and the dog cowered in the corner. They probably thought I was going to go on another binge with the 10 inch chef knife. Nah, you only do that once. Anyway, without further ado, I bring you...

I for one have been there. Oh I know I should have my act together "at my age", but know what? I don't. I'm not perfect. Hell I'm not even mediocre...yet. I'm striving for mediocrity though. I'm trying to learn moderation. I'm going to print this little guy off and put him on my fridge. If you're struggling, you are not alone. Let me say that again. You are not alone.

If you've just eaten enough food to keep a camp of starving Ethiopians full for 2 years, don't despair. You are not alone. When I do things like that, I'll think, "OMG I'm the only one in the world that does this". It makes me feel better to know I'm not. That I'm not totally insane.

We can do this people. We may be old dogs, but we can learn new tricks. We can learn to leave one slice in the box. Just one. When we get that licked, we can learn to leave 2 slices. Baby steps. One day we'll learn that we can take just 2 slices from the box and leave ALL the rest.

Oh ya. Nothing better than old doggies learning new tricks.

Peace be the journey

:-)

Top 10

2010-10-08T07:12:00.002-04:00

Mind to disjointed to make a paragraphical blog this mornin. It's all over the place. I slept maybe an hour last night. Oh that's not going to bode well for today! Things going freakin fantastic here. Mostly.

1. I got a job! That's right peeps, no poor house for me and TBM. Thank fuck.

2. I've been kicking ass at the Weight Watcher program. I actually feel a bit less blubbery. Today should be my meeting, but with my new job I won't be able to go mornings anymore so I have to switch to a night time meeting. With Fat Daddy type thinking here's where my mind went. IF I went to my regular meeting today, I wouldn't go again until a week from Monday at night. So, that means over a week. My mind might, heavy on the might, think oh wow, I can eat an extra day or two and it won't count. Free days, you know? So, I'm not going to my meeting this morning, I'm going Monday night instead. That way I'll be forced to be extra good the next few days because I'm switching from a morning weigh in to an evening one.

3. Did I mention there are big bowls of chocolate candy bars in my new office? Fuck me. Still working on what to do about that. No, they must be there. I have to suck it up. I'm thinking of a big bowl of grapes on my desk. Only for me though. I don't want any nasty ass strangers fingers in my grape bowl.

4. This job is something I've never done. I'm going to be selling real estate in our park. I don't need a license as the park is the broker. Lots of paper work. Lots of computer work. Lots of all kinds of shit I don't know how to do. How fucking awesome is that? Old dog learning new tricks. I feel empowered. Seriously. I'm not afraid, I'm excited. I'm ready to learn and amaze.

5. No exercise peeps. None, nada, zip. WTF kind of failure am I at that? Suzi will be kicking my ass soon. Need a plan. Add that to the list.

6. Lots of personal drama in my life at the moment. I hate drama. I hate not sleeping ALL night. Drama kept me awake ALL night. Shit.

7. I have a worrying breast lump. Sorry guys to just put that out there. I went for my yearly in September. I told her about the lump. I had my yearly mamo followed by an ultra sound by some asshole that I'd much rather have cold cocked than let him palpitate my breast. He and the woman before him were cold, rude, and really pains in the asses. Couldn't see the lump on ultra sound. I get that. So, he'd roll over it with the rolly overy thingy and I'd feel it and say, right there. He, instead of saying 'it's not showing up on the scan', kept saying 'there is no lump'. Well excuse the fuck out of me asshole, YES THERE IS! Now, it may be some kind of benign tissue that doesn't show up on ultra sound, I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but when you've got some fuckwad telling you there is no lump at all, and not only can you feel it with your fingers, you can feel it just there. I can feel it just sitting here...from the inside out, ya know, you're not getting the answers you need. So, ladies, we need to stand up for ourselves. If we feel something is hinky, we need to take it further. I've made another appointment with my doc, who I'm not too sure I'm fond of and this will be the deciding factor. Tell me it's a cyst, tell me it's fatty breast tissue, tell me WHAT it is, because it sure the fuck IS.

8. I've got a 7 bedroom home in MI that needs to sell. I've got a park model in the park here that needs to sell. I've got a 35 foot 5th wheel and a 1ton diesel here that need to sell. I can breathe when those 3 things sell.

9. I ate fruit and veg this week. Holy shit that's huge.

10. On the whole, life is good. My mind is in turmoil, but it will pass. Main thing? All that shit going on in my life right now and I stayed on program. Did you hear that? I STAYED ON PROGRAM. ALL WEEK LONG.

Go me!

Peace be the journey

:-)

I am Queen

2010-10-05T07:44:00.003-04:00

Of denial.

Corny, I know, but I love a good pun. C'mon you know I'd rock that Cleopatra look!

So, yesterday I was driving the truck and feeling totally uncomfortable. Oh yes peeps, I'm not comfortable in anything but a nightgown or bathing suit right now. Why? Well I'm too damn fat that's why! I hate the feeling of the fat oozing over the top of my jeans. Worse yet is what oozes out the back. Caught sight of myself sitting in a chair at cards the other night. Pfffft on window reflections. It's very hard for me to hoist myself up into the truck, or even up into bed for that matter. Everything hurts and is screaming. Hell I'd scream too if someone made me carry 50 extra pounds and expected me to do it as well as I used to. So what the heck happened?

Denial.

I was below 200. I was an exercising machine. I even had a personal trainer. My stomach problem came back. The one where I can't eat solid food. Man let me just tell you how bad that sucks. You think it would be heaven if you couldn't eat? It's not. I never felt good as what food I ate didn't digest. It just sat in the stomach and rotted. I never felt hungry...how could you with food rotting in there? If I ate, I could eat 1 or 2 bites at most. Nothing solid at all. One bite of meat and I was done for the day. Bread? Nope. Popcorn? Nope. Pasta? Nope. I was reduced to protein drinks so at least I could get some protein in. Fruit juices, yogurt. Didn't lose weight either. Now that really sucks ass people. No solid food and no losing weight? Pfffft. It's called gastroparysis and it's the devil. Don't know what caused it the first time, though I was in Mexico at the time so I still wonder if it's not somehow virus related. Lasted about a year, year and a half and then one day it was just gone. Oh the joy! Gained a butt load of weight because, well, I could eat again! Was gone for a year or so, then BAM it came again. Repeat scenario. Third times a charm right? Last December I flew home for a week. January 2 the tummy trouble was back. OMG I was so depressed. That made me wonder if stress could trigger it. So I decided to try to will it to go away. Don't know if that worked or what, but this time instead of lasting for a year or more, it only lasted a month or two. I was happy. I started to eat. I gained weight.

OK...so denial. Just once I'd like to stay on topic!!!!!

I was under 200...I gained about 9 pounds after being able to eat again. It was so wonderful to enjoy all my favorite foods again. I knew I needed to get back on program. My clothes were getting a wee bit tight. I still felt pretty though. I quit exercising as all my joints hurt. Long story, but man everything hurts. So I gained some more.

I knew I was up over 215 now, but surely it can't be fat. I mean honest to God fat. It has to be water weight. You can't just gain 15 pounds that quickly. When I get back OP it'll just melt off.

I'm now up over 225 and forced to buy new clothes. Must really be retaining water. Never a doubt in my mind it'll just spring from my body when I rejoin Weight Watchers.

We get ready to head back to Michigan. I know that we're going home to get the house ready to sell. Lots of work. I also know I have to work a real job. A physically demanding job. I figured get home, get settled, then get back on program. I'm up to 235 now. I had to go out and buy more new clothes. Bigger clothes. I had to buy a bigger work shirt and bigger work pants as my uniforms didn't come anywhere close to fitting from the year before. How much water can one body hold???

I had a crap summer. I was in so much pain from working at the restaurant that when I got home I couldn't move. I was so tired from getting the big house clean and spruced up and ready to sell my mind just fizzled. The stress was at top level too. Color me 240.

We finally had our last day of work. We got the house pristine. We got the U-Haul packed up. We loaded up the 5th wheel, tossed the dog in the U-Haul and set off on our journey for Florida for the last time. 1450 miles. Me driving the rig and TBM driving the U-Haul. We arrived in paradise, unloaded, started making this our home. I finally decided it was time to get rid of all this water weight and sucked it up and went back to Weight Watchers 10 days ago. Get out your paint kit and color me 247.2. I hope you have a lot of paint. OMG it's a good thing I was sitting down here at home alone when I looked at that card. I was shocked. How could I be shocked? I mean I had to go buy clothes not once, not twice, but three times. I'm not comfortable doing anything but sitting. So, how could I be shocked?

Denial.

It just hit me yesterday that this isn't water weight. This isn't going to just melt off. Just because I went back to WW, it didn't take it off over night.

Fuck me sideways...I really have to work at this. Know something else? It's harder this time! That's right people. Harder. Not easier. I was so far into denial I really thought this 'fat' would melt right off as soon as I got my act together. It's not real fat after all. It's new fat. That should be easier to get off. Oh I'm going to work like hell to get back to where I was as I just can't stand this feeling. I will succeed.

Please learn from the Queen of Denial. FAT IS FAT. New fat, old fat, it's all fat and it's harder than hell to get off. SO, if you get some off, work really hard to keep it off folks. It's not easy to get it off again and again. Once that fat gets on you, it's going to fight to stay.

It sucks asp.

Peace be the journey

:-)

Work for it

2010-10-04T10:11:00.002-04:00

Today, to read my post, you have to go here. I did a guest post for Danica and I'm too lazy to write one for here too!

Not really...it's just that it's gorgeous today and I have stuff to do. Went to coffee hour this morning (no donut for me thank you very much!) and now am off and out!

Peace be the journey

:-)

Clutter control

2010-10-03T10:35:00.002-04:00

I was reading an article about clutter control for the home. It hit me how much it pertained to weight loss and healthy living.

#1 Have a plan

Seems like an obvious beginning, but how many of us don't really have a set plan? How do we get a plan? Well here's what Clutter Control 101 suggests.

Have a plan
1. What is your biggest problem?
A. Have the tools you need close at hand.
2. Pick a main goal.
A. Get it done.
B. Perfect it later.

OK, so I want to lose weight right?

* What's my biggest problem? Um, I eat too freaking much! So I chose Weight Watchers. You choose whatever works for you. Then we need to work it.

* Have the tools we need close at hand. What are my tools?

When I go shopping, I have a WW points calculator in my purse. Always.

When I'm planning my food for the day, I use the WW online tracker. I have books for back up in case the Internet is down.

I have a restaurant site in the favorites on my phone so if I'm out, and want food, I know how many points it will cost to eat where.

* Pick a main goal

This is important. Really important. So we want to lose weight. Without a main goal, something in cement, I think we're just destined to fail. We're just flopping around like fish on dry land. I think we need both a long term, and a short term goal. When I first began my journey, I knew I had 200+ pounds to lose. It was too much to think of that, so I took it a week at a time. My main goal (which I know now was a mistake), was to get under 200 pounds. I did that. Then I stopped. That was my main goal. I wasn't bright enough to THEN form another main goal. I was lost and I didn't know where to go from there. I went back up. This is why I think we need more than one. Even if you have 300 pounds to lose, your main goal should be your bottom line. Where do you want to be when you're finished? Keep it somewhere in the back of your mind even when working on your short term goals. Don't think of how hard it will be to get there, just think, "yep some day I'm going to weigh 150 pounds".

* Get it done

You've got your goal, your tools, now go to it. Get it done. A day at a time, a step at a time. Be like Nike and just do it. Start your program and go go go.

* Perfect it later

You've started your program, and something isn't quite right. Don't give up. Tweak it a little. Pretty soon it'll be perfect. When it isn't anymore, tweak it again.

We all need a plan. I'm working on mine. Are you working on yours? What have you learned that could help me?

Peace be the journey

:-)

Calories in calories out

2010-10-02T19:40:00.002-04:00

Again all the good stuff I want to blog about has to wait because of something that just happened.

We've all heard losing weight is all about calories in calories out. Makes sense to me. I buy it.

I belong to Weight Watchers as most of you know. Love it. Love the program. Love the freedom. Love the balance of it. Yes, it's a fabulous program.

My friend Becky started using My Fitness Pal to track her calories. I decided to shimmy on over there and check that site out. Went to register and found I already had an account. Go figure. If you're a calorie counter, it's a great site. So far it's had every food in it's bank I added to my daily menu. It also seems to be pretty user friendly which is a big plus in my book.

OK, so here's why I needed to blog about this tonight instead of something else. I figure I should be on about a 1200 calorie diet to lose me some fat. Weight Watchers thinks the same. I'm allowed a certain number of points on Weight Watchers and that's supposed to pretty much equal the amount of calories I should have to shed weight safely. With me still?

So far today I've had 982 calories. Not too bad you say? According to Weight Watchers, I still have 11.5 points left! Now generally a point is pretty much equal to 50 calories...so we're talking another 550 cals. Well over the 1200 I was shooting for.

Here's where it gets trickier. Depending on the fiber in the food, or even the type of food, the points don't really reflect the calories in the food. Some foods, like my whole wheat bread for example, have 100 calories, but only 1 point because of the fiber in it. Veg, most of them, are 0 points, but they still have calories. This has been a real eye opener for me. For example, my 1/2 sandwich at lunch time had tomato, cukes, and romaine on it...0 WW points, but 30 calories. No biggie? That was just a few of each thing. So you can see how a large salad could potentially have a lot of calories, but 0 points. A bit more WW math. I had 1 T Miracle Whip Light for 0 points, but again, it had 15 calories. Marcy, no aspartame in mine, but drat it's got HFCS and I don't eat that...so in the trash mine goes too! It really does add up!

As long as I'm losing weight at a steady rate, I'll keep on doing WW the way it's intended. If my weight loss slows down, I'll start taking a good hard look at the calories in what I'm eating.

I never get over how I keep learning things!

Peace be the journey

:-)

Bring it

2010-10-01T18:56:00.002-04:00

Man I had so many topics for today's blog. I really did.

I'm too high to go there. Stay tuned for a more lucid blog tomorrow-ish.

I gained a butt load and a half of weight since last year. We're broke flatter than piss on a platter. My stove doesn't work, my toilets are sub standard, my shower is broke. I've got 2 houses and a 5th wheel to sell. Hubs only has 3 days of work and needs 5. Don't even get me started on family health issues!

Am I giving up? Throwing in the towel? Using all this adversity as an excuse to stay fat? Stay unfit?

Hell no.

I just had some of the best pizza I've had in ages.

I've just had some awesome wine. Oh yes, I'll be having some more.

I had a job interview today. For an even better job than the one I applied for.

I had a freaking fabulous loss at my Weight Watchers meeting this morning. So good
in fact, my first recipe reward has been earned! Oh ya! Marcy will be sending me a hand written recipe all the way from Germany! How freaking awesome is that?

I've got peeps that support me.

This is my birthday month.

I'm on fire.

I can take it.

Bring it!

Peace be the journey

:-)

NEVER SAY NEVER!!!!

2010-09-27T09:29:00.002-04:00

Before I begin, I just noticed I have 150 followers. How cool is that? My goal weight = the number of my followers. Coincidence? I think not!

OK, on to the previously scheduled program.

You'd think I'd learn. Oh hell no. Not the easy way anyway. It's Karma. The minute you say 'I'll never do this', you of course do it. "That will NEVER happen to me". Count on it bitch because is is SO going to happen to you!

We get comfortable. We really believe it won't happen. Well boys and girls, it can and it does. So, if you're out there saying NEVER NEVER NEVER, you still have to take steps to make sure, or it will be ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS!

I've said NEVER a few times. Here, here, and oh hell the list of course goes on.

I want to change my ALWAYS to NEVER. I can't do that without changing the way I think. Wow, how's that for a difficult task? Change the way we think. Can it be done? Dunno, but I'm going to try.

When I said I was NEVER going to get back into a size 18 pants again, I sure the hell never thought a 22 would be tight on my ass EVER again. I don't like it. I don't want to feel this way again.

I have never been shocked when getting on the scale at my Weight Watcher meeting. I always weigh ahead of time and I know what to expect. I didn't this time. I didn't even look at what she wrote in the book. Until the other night. It was like someone punched me in the gut. Literally. I've never had that feeling and I didn't like it.

I need to remember this. How it feels. When I get back down into my size 14's and lower, I need to somehow channel this feeling of fat oozing everywhere so I won't get back here again. It is easy to do. For me anyway. I need to ALWAYS remember:

how bad my knees hurt
how bad my hips hurt
how bad my ankles hurt
how fat my face feels
how fat my ass is
how things jiggle and ooze
how I don't feel beautiful
how I feel embarrassed every time I go out in public
how I'm ashamed of myself

Oh I want to revel in the glory of being fitter again. Feeling beautiful, etc. But in the back of my mind, I need to remember how bad this sucks right now so I DON'T FUCKING DO THIS AGAIN!!!!!!!!

NEVER EVER EVER!!!!!

Oops, I said it again. I believe it this time. This time my never is not going to be an always. I'm old, but I'm still learning.

Peace be the journey

:-)

Thief in the afternoon

2010-09-26T18:08:00.002-04:00

Can't call me a thief in the night! Ha!

I'm stealing this blog writers idea. Tara seems to be struggling as much as I am and I like her goal idea.

Three goals for the coming week. Shouldn't be that hard. Of course, if it was easy we'd all be frigging thin and healthy!

I'm following the Weight Watcher program as most of you know. So, the points will get counted of course and that should keep me in the 'losing weight' zone. A calorie isn't a calorie when it comes to how healthy it is for our body though.

As you also know I'm coming off a looooooooooooooooooooooong binge. My body is used to eating every chip, chocolate, greasy, buttery, creamy thing around. This week is going to be difficult to say the least.

My 3 goals are as follows. Drum roll please. Screw the drum roll...give me sexy guys dancing with tear away pants..ya ya and as soon as the last thread goes riiiiiiiiiiiip I'll give my goals. OK, since that didn't happen, without further ado, here they are.

1. Eat some kind of frigging vegetable & fruit every day for a week. Yes, I know I'm supposed to have 3-5. Cut me some slack. I promise not to count wine or ketchup as fruit, or potato chips as a veg.

2. Move my fat ass twice. Twice you say? You say I should be moving my ass 5 times? Don't forget this 'week' is only Tue-Fri. So, twice it is. My blog. I win!

3. Drink 4 cups of plain water EVERY day. No, it won't be easy for me. Do it I shall.

If Tara can do it, I can do it. WE can do it together!

Peace be the journey

:-)

Reward me?

2010-09-25T08:52:00.002-04:00

Rewards.

Lots of you guys use them. You tell yourself that if you lose 5 pounds, you'll go get a pedicure. Get your nails done, buy that new purse you want, get a lipstick, a CD, etc. It's never really worked for me. I mean in the end, I still have to go buy it for myself and I could have done that if I lost the 5 pounds or not.

The topic at my WW meeting this week was about asking for help. I thought I had no problem with that. Some people said it scared them to ask for help. I didn't understand. I do now. Right now my heart is beating, I'm scared of rejection. I want to ask you to help me, but I'm afraid you'll laugh at me. Or worse yet, do nothing. So, I'm really putting myself out there right now asking for help and support.

I was reading Becky's blog this morning and of course I didn't have any reward ideas for her. I did want her to know I'd read it, so was commenting when I read someones idea of a reward. That someone makes homemade soap and she offered to send Becky a bar when she lost X amount of pounds. Now THAT would have motivated me. Something someone else would do for you. Awesome.

So, as I'm a greedy bitch and not above begging, I'm asking you guys to reward me.

Know what I love? Other than food of course? Recipes. I collect cook books. I can sit and look at the pictures and read them for hours. What I really love are hand written recipes. I have a notebook with page protectors that I slip hand written recipes in. I've got some from my mom and grandma and my friends. I just love looking at them, knowing they wrote it. It binds me to them. It makes me happy to open that book.

So, I know (OK, so I'm really hoping and praying more than knowing!) someone out there has to love me enough to write me a recipe if I lose 5 pounds. A healthy one of course. Oh you know, maybe one for some famous soup? Some mini muffin meatloaves, anything at all that has helped you on your journey. You don't cook? How about a motivational note? A funny? Hell, I'll even send you the stamp to send it to me! No typing now, that's not fair. Also have to put your name on it, or your blog name. Oh ya, even when I'm begging there are rules!

Wow, I'm afraid to hit 'publish post'. This is definitely new territory for me! I love my WW leader Madge though, and I'm going to trust her advice is solid.

Peace be the journey

:-)

Spent

2010-09-24T20:34:00.003-04:00

I feel like I've been hit by a truck. A big fucking truck.

Menopause sucks. That's all I'm going to say about that. Any day that I don't stab someone or try to hit them with my truck is a win. Any day without a bucket of tears is a win. Any day I don't feel anger boil up inside me for no frigging reason whatsoever is a win. Ya, I haven't had many wins lately!!!

I went back to WW today. It was so bad I thought the poor leader was going to faint. I don't know how bad. I don't have the balls to look. I'll deal with it tomorrow or the next day. She felt so bad for me. I could see it in her eyes and hear it in her questions.

OK, so Perky Pixie will be back next week. If I don't kill the bitch.

Deep breath.

Segue.

I was awarded a cool blog award. Well how was that for redundant??? Becky gave it to me and it's all mine! OK, mine and 9 others, but I'm the best...you know I am!

Here it is...hot ass cool eh????

Rules are for sissies. No way I'm picking 10 ppl to pass it on to. I have 30 that deserve it if I have 1. I will, however, try to post 10 things that make me happy. I will try not to use the words stab, maim, kill, gouge, impale, behead, castrate, decapitate, or mutilate.

1. My blog friends. Yes, it may be sappy, but I think of some of you as friends.
2. My Daddy's swing that he made just for me. I put it back together tonight and sat in it for about half an hour. Made me happy.
3. Warm water and cool sand on my body.
4. Blue skies and puffy white clouds.
5. Rides on my golf cart with someone else driving. Letting the sun warm my face and the breeze keep my skin cool.
6. Reading a good book
7. Looking at pictures of my grand babies
8. Playing Mah Jongg (and winning of course!)
9. Talking to my friends
10. Running over people that piss me off with my truck. (in my mind of course)

I have a lot to say. I just can't say it tonight.

:-)

Lazy way out

2010-09-12T12:53:00.002-04:00

I didn't intend to take the lazy way out today.

I went to the pool like I said I would. It was awesome. My knees are bitching now of course...I'm ignoring them.

I don't want to go to work here so I was catching up on a few more blogs. I found this soooooooooooooooooooooo motivating I just wanted to share in case you don't read Doc's blog.

Here it is, go read it. I bet you'll be glad you did.

I sure was!

Peace be the journey

:-)

A bit of this and that

2010-09-11T20:45:00.002-04:00

Catching up on some blogs tonight. Kind of behind. OK, way behind! A lot make me think and I like that.

Fat Daddy talked about an on/off switch and finding his volume knob. Man oh man do I need to do that. My f'ing switch is taped in the 'on' position right now. So I did a drastic thing because of FD...I shot an email off to a friend of mine that swims every day. An hour. She hangs with another friend that broke her wrist and needs surgery so won't be able to swim. I shot an email saying I'd be her swim buddy. Can't take it back now....the send button has been hit. TY FD. Actually just got a reply from her...this is it. "Sounds great to me!!! Monday, Tuesday, Thursday--11:00 till 12:30 or so. Sat. and Sun. 10:00. None on Wednesday and Friday. I'll be there in the morning at 10:00!!!" Guess I've got plans tomorrow morning at 10!

Reading Pounds Off review a book just now, the author talked about going to a Chinese restaurant after a several month leave of absence. He was greeted warmly...they thought he'd moved. We returned back to our Florida home the end of August after making the trek to MI mid May. The owner came running up to me and hugged me! Holy shit I just can't think that's a good thing! I might have learned something about myself right there.

Ms. Sheryl has made lifetime at her Weight Watchers meeting. She's filling out the papers to become a WW leader. That used to be a goal of mine. Perhaps I need to start thinking like that again? Ms. Bitch motivates me a lot and she's just a little bit hot too! OK, so that was my inner lesbian typing there...sometimes I can't shut that tramp up!

Shoot, I probably shouldn't have started this as then if I don't mention someone I read constantly they might get their feelings hurt. I'm stopping now leaving out a few of you that KNOW FOR A FACT I love and read you and learn shit from you every time!

My point is, we all help each other here. My on switch might have a short, but I'm still reading, I'm still learning, I'm still getting motivated...albeit slowly...but motivated none the less!

Y'all mean the world to me. In fact, I shall name all of you as you deserve it! NO particular order either!!! If you're on this list, I read every one of your blogs. Yes, I get behind but I do catch up. If you're not on this list send me a shout out so you can be! Now, these are just my weight loss bloggers...so don't get your panties in a bunch if you're not on this list!

TJ
Diane
My favorite Fatass
Jack
Sally
Heather
Beth
Simone, the baby of the group
Point-less meals Yummy recipes!
Cazza
Dani
Danica
Dr. Fatty
Lola
Lose the boredom
Shane
Marcelle
Becky
Tami
Suzi
The Meatball
Lisa
Rebecka
Midlife Swimmer
Clyde

Peace be the journey

:-)

The whole world????

2010-09-06T08:27:00.002-04:00

That's right, now even the freakin universe is after me! This was today's note from the universe.

The entire world now spins in the palm of your hand, Debby.

A fitness goal is not asking for too much.

Come on, let's go -
The Universe

Geez, alright already!!!!! I shall make one. There! Happy???!!!!

Well boys and girls, this is the week. Friday morning is WW day. It should be interesting to say the least! I thought WW was Tuesday, that's what I get for thinking.

It's a busy week. We're still unpacking boxes. We will be doing so for about 2 weeks. TBM looked at me yesterday trying to fit things into the kitchen cupboard and said "Wow, that's like trying to fit 10 pounds of shit in a 5 pound sack!' Yes, it is. I'm trying to fit things from a HUGE kitchen into a small one. Not only that, this kitchen is already full of stuff from my other kitchen here. Oh ya, fun times!

Did I mention I can't find the box with all my spices and herbs in it? It really has become the bane to my existence! I unpacked about 10 boxes yesterday and didn't find it. More today...I'm on a mission!

Today will be unpacking more boxes and then a party here in the park. Big shindig that we got the tickets for yesterday. Then pool time, then wine time. Taking the rest of the day off...tomorrow I can start again.

Doc appt this Wed. She's going to have a freaking fit. I deserve it. I'll take it like a big girl.

Friday morning WW and me with a plan. How's that for a full week?

Happy Labor Day everyone.

Peace be the journey

:-)

Running the maze

2010-09-02T06:47:00.002-04:00

Mornin peeps!

Settling in here...OK, so we're here, not settled! Boxes everywhere, it's a maze getting through them. Lovin' it though.

I took a look at my Google reader this morning and had 211 unread. Beginning to remedy that situation. Like an alcoholic that looks for courage from the bottle, I'm looking for motivation from the blogs.

As I wended my way through the living room with my coffee cup, I had to turn sideways to get through one stack of boxes and a chair. As I turned, my ass fat kept moving. Oh ya, time to get back on program peeps!

Brought up the Weight Watcher site and have chosen to attend the Lake Placid meetings. Tuesday morning at 9am will find me all paying attention and shit.

I'm pumped peeps! OK, I'm not, but I will be!

Peace be the journey

:-)

It's alive!!!!!

2010-08-31T10:02:00.002-04:00

No, not some horror flick.....ME!

We made it to FL....boxes everywhere and the U-Haul isn't even unloaded yet.

I love every effing minute of it!

Just wanted you all to know I'll be back soon. I have over 150 blogs in my Google reader...so if I haven't commented on yours, you know why. I can't wait to catch up.

Thinking of all of you.

All is well in my world.

My heart and soul are at peace even if my knees and hips are bitching!

Hard work, lots of it, and I love it!

Back soon, count on it!

Peace be the journey

:-)

T minus 4 and counting

2010-08-23T08:18:00.002-04:00

We leave Thursday. In the final stretch.

Won't have time to blog a lot until we get to FL and settled of course.

My notes from the universe today I loved. Here it is.

It's one trick, Debby, to manifest exactly what you want.

It's another to bring about something even better.

Leave the door open,
The Universe

So, we want to get skinny. We decide which diet program to use and what exercise we're going to do. We write it down, we commit. We begin. When we start, maybe getting skinny is our only goal. Is that all we get?

I don't think so.

Like 'The Universe' said, 'Leave the door open'. Think about what's going on in your life. You're getting skinnier sure....I bet there are other changes.

I bet you are a bit happier.

I bet your knees feel a bit better.

I bet your self esteem raised just a bit.

I bet you feel just a bit sexier.

I bet you're a bit healthier.

I bet you're a LOT healthier.

Skinny is great, but those other things? Wow, a lot better for sure. Go with the flow and enjoy all the perks of your weight loss and exercise.

Think about the changes in your life. What are they? Even if you've 'only' lost 5 pounds, do you feel a change? Anything at all?

Go ahead and plan all you want. Just don't forget to leave the door open for all the fantastic changes you didn't plan for!

Peace be the journey

:-)

This is not who I am

2010-08-21T08:57:00.002-04:00

Fat.

Walking into work last night, my cheeks were bouncing and jiggling. Both sets. I was uncomfortable. I actually felt the fat bouncing on my face and ass. I paid more attention. I felt the fat on my stomach and thighs slamming around in my skin too. A thought popped into my head.

This is not who I am.

I am not the fat chick anymore. Oh, sure, physically I am, but I don't want to be. That's a good thing. We have to want to change or we won't.

If I become complacent with my fat, I can let it define me. I become the fat chick. My mind wants to be the fit chick, so it will get my body on board.

I was very excited to hear my mind tell me that we are going to whip this fat bod into shape. Sometimes she's a bitch. Last night I liked what she had to say.

So, who are you? Are you the fat chick or the tubby guy? Or, are you the healthy, fit individual?

You are who you think you are.

Peace be the journey

:-)

Credit where credit is due

2010-08-20T06:01:00.004-04:00

So.

I'm reading the book "Eat, Pray, Love" by Elizabeth Gilbert. It's really great. Several times she's said things that I want to write down to remember. Ya, so I haven't done that...just have to read it again sometime. Last night I was reading in bed and read something so great I quit reading so I could ponder it as I was going to sleep. I thought to myself it would make a perfect blog topic.

That was last night. Now it's morning, I don't have my glasses on, I haven't had my coffee yet and I can't find what got my motor running last night. I tried, but man without my glasses I can't even see the words! I don't like to wear my glasses when playing on the laptop. I know, weird. Deal with it. You know you love me just the way I am! I wanted to use the exact line that got me thinking. I will find it....later.

The crux of what I got from it was that I am rushing and not experiencing. I bet a lot of you are also.

We try to get from point A to point B as quickly as we can. We want to lose weight and be fit and we want it now. We don't like cutting calories or whatever we're doing, and most of us don't like exercising. We do it to get to point B. The healthy us.

I intend to slow the hell down and enjoy the ride more.

When I put healthy food into my body instead of crap, from now on I intend to think about it. Feel all the little nutrients speeding around and doing good things for my health. Allow myself to smile, to feel a sense of accomplishment.

When I'm exercising and things hurt and I'm a sweaty mess, I intend to bask in that glow. To thank God that I can do whatever it is I'm doing even if it causes me pain. Yes, my knees and hips hurt, but how much worse would it be if I sat on my fat ass all day long every day?

Enjoy the fact that I CAN do and not that I MUST do.

On the flip side, if I'm letting a bottle of wine slide down my throat chased by some decadent pasta in a cream sauce, I plan to revel in that also. Seize the moments. The big ones and the small ones. They all work together to make up my life. It's short. I want to get the most out of it!

I'm trying to get everything packed up, cleaned up, polished etc by tomorrow morning. We're moving on Thursday. OK, in theory, that's great. I'm doing this so our last days in the town I've spent my whole married life (32 years) in won't be rushed. Not only my whole married life, I spent every summer in this town all my life (almost 52 years). Lots of weekends also. We had a 'cottage' up here that was built before I was born. I always told my mom I was going to live up here. She said I couldn't...there were no jobs. I said I was going to marry rich. I just didn't know it was going to be his name!

I have no regrets about leaving this town. It served me well, but it's time to move on. I have no regrets about leaving my home. Again, it served me well. I have NO regrets about leaving my summer job. It's an awesome place to work, but I'm over working.

After reading whatever the hell it was that I read in the book last night, I realized that I've been working all summer toward tomorrow morning. Working to get it done, so I could be done. Man I'm glad I read that last night. I caught it in time. Today is my last day and I'd have rushed through it. Point A to point B. I caught it in time though, so today I shall bathe in the moment.

I'm enjoying my last cup of coffee as a working woman in Houghton Lake. After I publish this, I intend to shut the laptop down and sit with my coffee and my thoughts. Let them wash over me.

I'll be going to the Secretary of State today here. For the last time.

I'll be going to my post office here today. For the last time.

I'll be going to work at Buccilli's tonight at 4. For the last time.

I'll be packing more boxes today. Boxes of things that have never been out of my house. For the last time. They'll love their new home.

I shall carpe the diem for sure.

Today, more than ever people,

Peace be the journey

:-)

Addendum: I put my glasses on and found the line that started this ball rolling.

"Zen masters always say that you canot see your reflection in running water, only in still water."

Today, let me be still. Let me both see my reflection, and reflect.

Motto

2010-08-19T05:55:00.003-04:00

Do you have one?

As you probably know by now, we're moving a week from today. You can't imagine how exciting it is for me to say that finally. A week from today. I imagine I'll be up early that morning also. We'll get the U-Haul around 8ish and hopefully begin loading around 9ish. Hoping to be on the road no later than 1 or 2. Only going 246 miles the first day. Should be an easy, relaxed day. The only way it can be that way is by preparing ahead. Kind of like our weight loss program.

Nope, my motto isn't 'plan ahead', though another day it might be. I think we can change up our motto's. Find one that works and stick with it until it doesn't, then find another one.

We live on a lake here in Michigan. We have a huge winter festival each year. Snow sculptures, fair rides, polar bear swim, elephant ears, snow mobile races, fishing contests, even a parade. The whole shebang. I was going through all my pictures trying to pare them down for the trip. I came across pictures from Tip Up Town 2000. Good family times. We even took a helicopter ride that year. The Marines had a section set up with an obstacle wall and other neat stuff. The wall was actually an inflatable pyramid shaped dohickey. Climb up one side, slide down the other. Very cool. On the flat side was printed what is going to be my new motto for a while. I found a picture of me standing next to this. In fact, here it is.

I love it!

Think you can't do something? How do you know if you don't try it?

Did you walk 20 minutes yesterday? How bout pushing yourself to 21 today? Test yourself. See if you can do it.

Thinking of giving up artificial sweeteners? Try it for a day. One day. Test yourself.

Trying to quit swearing? Give it up for one day. Test yourself.

Just imagine what we could accomplish if we tested ourselves daily.

Today is a new day. Let's not waste it.

How will you test yourself today?

Peace be the journey

:-)

Takin a freakin break

2010-08-18T13:35:00.002-04:00

Holy crap! You've all heard 'the hurrier I go, the behinder I get'. Well, welcome to my world right now.

Oh don't get me wrong, I'm on top of the freakin clouds.

This has nothing to do with Weight Watchers at all. No diet, no exercise. Just what's going on in my life right now.

My niece called and said she was going to her Dad's this week and wanted to come over and visit. I said fabby. She said she had air mattresses. I said ummmmm we don't have any furniture! lol Finally told her I'd come over there to visit if TBM and I had a day off together. Would call as soon as we got our schedule and make a plan. I was excited to see my brother and all my nieces and nephews etc.

We got our schedule for this week Sunday at 1:35AM. I got out of bed at 1:44AM to check email for it. We asked to be scheduled light this week as it was our last week. So, looked at my schedule first. Friday and Saturday. Not too bad. Then looked at TBM's schedule. He only had 3 days...excellent. Except his days were Wed, Thur, and Fri. Shit. Couldn't he have scheduled us on the same days? Last week ya know??? I couldn't sleep the whole rest of the night thinking that I didn't want to work on Saturday as that would be the only day we could go see my bro. Really. The whole fuckin night. Tossed and turned and kept wishing I didn't have to work and worried about what I'd do about it.

So, got up early Sunday and hit the road for our visit with our kids. We'd requested Sunday and Monday off a long time ago for this trip. Was awesome. Lots of grand baby snuggling etc. Nothing I could do about next Saturday until Monday anyway so let's enjoy.

Got back to town on Monday and went right to work to see who had a day off that maybe might take my hours. Girl doing prep that day didn't work Saturday and said she'd work my shift for me! HOLY SHIT!!! It was like the weight of the world was lifted. I know, stupid, but it really was.

Got so much to do this week. Packing etc. This is the final count down people. We want to have everything done by Friday night for the move. Everything. So we can play the last few days. We've worked hard all summer. We deserve it. Man oh man is it a lot to finish up this week. I'm on a roll today though, and I now have confidence it will be done.

Saturday morning will find everything packed that can be packed.

Everything cleaned that needs to be cleaned.

Addresses will be changed, arrangements made. I's dotted and T's crossed.

I'll spend Saturday with my brother and his family.

Sunday we're going to the city to see my oldest son and his family. My grandson just had surgery yesterday and he needs one final dose of Grammy kisses. He's 2. It helps.

Monday we're hooking up the rig and going camping for 2 days. Wine country.

Wednesday we're coming back here, doing all the final packing/cleaning, and having dinner with friends.

Thursday morning we're picking up the U-Haul, packing it up, hitching up the rig and hitting the road. TBM is driving the U-Haul, I'm hauling the rig and we'll be on our way to our new home.

The stress takes my breath away a lot.

The excitement is bringing tears to my eyes a lot.

I'm an emotional mess.

I FUCKING LOVE IT!!!!

Today TBM is at work and I've been busting my hump. He's going to be so amazed when he gets home. He's never going to believe all I accomplished. There will be a fabby dinner waiting for him too.

I'm a ball of fire!!!!

Peace be the journey

:-)

Share and share alike

2010-08-12T08:17:00.002-04:00

Remember when you were in school and you had something you weren't supposed to and the teacher asked you, 'Do you have enough to share?' Bitch just wanted whatever I had for herself I'm sure. Well, today I have enough to share!

I found 2 new blogs of recipes. Yum! Gina's blog, and, this new blog.

I haven't delved enough yet to find out the gals name in the second blog. I did drool already though, and that's a real good sign! I love how the second one has a whole little dohickey on the right hand side of her blog with different point values you can click on for recipes. Very handy if you're a Weight Watcher member. If not, the usual go to conversion is 1 point usually equals about, close to, approximately, 50 calories. I also like that the second blog allows me to read the whole blog in my Google Reader. The first one doesn't.

I'm not a fan of the blogs that only give you a tidbit in the Google reader, then force you to go to the actual blog to finish reading. Here's why. I follow quite a few blogs. I get behind sometimes...go figure! I have them set up in my google reader to read from oldest to newest, and of course if I have to visit the actual blog they go from newest to oldest and well I just am not that kind of girl!

OK peeps...I've got a hella full day here. TBM has today off work with me and this is going to be the one big, huge, mega, supercalafragalisticexpialadocious, push to get the cleaning and packing for our move (TWO WEEKS FROM TODAY!!!!) on track. OMG seeing that in writing, 2 weeks from today, just made my heart flutter and my breath come in short bursts. Talk about stress!!!! Sooooo much still to do. Oh, and did I mention that the last 4 days we want to just play? So we want EVERY SINGLE SOLITARY THING PACKED AND CLEANED BY THE 22ND? AND, (Yes, I know you're never supposed to begin a sentence with AND...I'm a fucking English major for goodness sakes!)the 22nd is only 10 days away????

OMG where the hell is the paper bag???

Peace be the journey

:-)

Thoughts From The Universe

2010-08-10T07:34:00.003-04:00

I get daily emails from the universe. How cool is that?

Today's was too deep for my mind to grasp before coffee, but I found this little gem at the bottom.

Thoughts become things... choose the good ones! ®

Like wow dudes!

Not half an hour ago, I had my Weight Watchers registration card in my hand looking for the cancellation directions. You see, I have no intention of being on program for the next few weeks. Yes, I know I should. I know it can be done. I'm only moving from the home I've lived in for 32 years after all. I'm only buried under stress for the moment. I'm only going through some health issues. No biggie. Well, to me it is a biggie.

I opened my email after that and read my little note from the universe and I got thinking. How often do I sit and think 'Ohhhh I'd really like some potato chips!'? After a while, I'll be sitting there holding a bag of chips. One chip isn't enough for me. One piece of cake isn't enough. One slice of homemade bread? Please, who are you kidding? I'm an addict. I can't stop at one. What can I do to get my mind off the thought when it first springs into my brain? Before it becomes an action? A thing? A reality?

What if, when that thought popped into my mind, I replaced it with something else? Find some positive thing that spurs me. Then every time I have an attack of the 'I wants', I'd just pull that positive thought into my mind.

Had my first sip of coffee here and delving just a bit further.

Are you at the beginning of your weight loss journey? Do you have a lot of weight to lose? I SO get your struggles. I've been there. If you don't have 200, 300, or even 400 pounds to lose, you can never truly understand the feelings of hopelessness. I so admire those of you that started your road to a healthy life before it got to that stage. You know, those of you that 'only' have 50-100 pounds to lose. I'm one of 'those' people now. I only have 100 more to lose. I sure wasn't when I started.

See, right now, when thinking of what positive thought I could pop into my mind, when the food monster invades, I thought of picturing me thinner. Feel how I felt in my clothes, in my skin, when I finally got under 200 pounds. I could do that as I was there. Not so long ago...January in fact. At the beginning of my journey, however, that wouldn't have worked. I remember people telling me 'nothing tastes as good as thin feels', or 'picture yourself thin', and a myriad of other cliche spoutings. I have been fat all my life people. Picture myself thin? How the hell can I do that? I don't know what it feels like. I don't know what it looks like. I'm not that kind of visionary! When you weigh nearly 400 pounds, picturing yourself in a bikini on some sandy beach just didn't comprehend.

Maybe we don't need to actually picture ourselves any way at all. Maybe we just need to find a way to change our thought. Sit, ponder, think about something that makes us truly happy. Think about some time we laughed until we peed a little. Think of any instance of true joy. Burn it into our memory. OK, got one? Ya, me either quite yet, but I will have as I really think this is something that could work. In fact, I think I'll conjure up more than one.

How can this work? Well, what if, while sitting in the parking lot of the store, I see the McDonald's next door, and all of a sudden a thought of crispy, golden, salty french fries pops into my mind? Oh no! What shall I do???? If I keep thinking about those fries, my fat ass is going to be over there ordering them, and then eating them. Dipped in mayo if you must know. Oh hell yes, I didn't get fat by eating too many baby carrots! So, what can I do instead? Change my thought. Grab that happy memory, think of that, smile. Truly concentrate on it...let your mind wrap around that. In other words, get your mind off the fries and onto something else! Hey, it could work.

I'm conditioned for instant gratification. I need to recondition myself. Pavlov is 6 foot under somewhere so I just have to figure out how to do it myself. Figure out how to ring my own bell.

I'm smiling right now thinking of things. Some are huge, some not so huge. It doesn't have to be huge. My friend MK and I got laughing one night as I was driving her home from cards on the golf cart. We laughed so hard we couldn't breathe. I dropped her off and laughed all the way to my place. I had tears, I had snot, she peed a little. Just thinking about that took my mind down the path of other happy memories.

I put my registration card back in it's drawer. I might not be 100% on program, but I'm not quitting. It's going to be there in the back of my mind. I'll keep going to my meetings, and I'll think happy thoughts when the munchie monster hits.

This just might work......

Peace be the journey

:-)

Eating in private. Revisited

2010-08-09T13:59:00.002-04:00

Yep, so I told you I don't eat in private, and I thought I didn't. I guess I do.

You see, I ate yesterday. Oh did I eat. I didn't tell you. You couldn't see me, why should you know? I had no intention of telling you either. Then I thought about yesterdays blog post, and realized if I didn't tell you, I'd be sneak eating.

I also learned yesterday I'm a stress eater. Who knew? It's becoming crunch time here as far as our move goes. I'm not upset about it, I am excited to go, but it really is a lot of work. We've lived here for 32 years. That's a lot of ends to tie up. We want every end tied up, all the boxes packed, the i's dotted and the t's crossed by the 22nd. See, the 22nd is our last day of work. We move the 26th. We really want those last days to just chill. Drive up to wine country, get some bottles for the road. Visit friends we won't see again, eat at restaurants we may never get to in the future. So, we're trying to wrap it up here while still working. Wow. I only work a few days a week, but TBM works 5. The days he works, he's useless for anything else. I've got shoulder/knee/ etc problems. I have trouble climbing ladders, lifting the boxes I'm packing. I need his help. We've got 2 days this week...this is one of them and it's half gone!

So, I had yesterday off. I wanted to pack a lot of boxes, do some cleaning, do some paperwork. I pondered all I had to do over a few pieces of friendship cake. It was so good, I had a few more. Ya, so I can't eat just one!

I have a really awesome kitchen here and all of a sudden I wanted to bake bread. So I did. I love the smell of bread raising, and even better, bread baking. It came out of the oven and I cut one steaming crust off, thick of course, and slathered it with cold butter. It was fantastic. I then cut the other crust off, repeat the cold butter, and still awesome.

I had a butt load of salami and crackers for 'lunch'.

I fixed dinner. Meatloaf and sweet potatoes. Wanted something else to go with it, so prepared some pasta. I was going to bake the sweet potatoes. Instead, I cubed them up, boiled them, drained them and added brown sugar and honey and then put them in a pan and baked them. When they were done, I added marshmallows I found in the drawer. You know, as I put them on I could just feel Jillian Michael's shaking her head at me. I felt guilty. I took a perfectly healthy food and fucked it up big time. My pasta was whole wheat. I added butter and fresh grated Parmesan. Fucked that up too. A veg? Oh no. A fruit? Does the bottle of wine I had with dinner count?

There was more cake, more bread and butter, and can't remember what else, but there was a lot of that too.

That was yesterday.

I just took my left over whole wheat pasta and had that for lunch. Somehow, some onions and fresh garlic and fresh jalapeno fell into some sauteing butter and that got added to the pasta....along with some Parmesan and Velveeta and cream. Of course breakfast was homemade bread toast with butter and eggs.

I don't feel one bit guilty (except for that moment with the marshmallows), but I should. I should feel bad for putting all that crap into my body. I kind of want my body to last a while. I need it for stuff.

Live and learn as they say. It's so very true. I learn new stuff every day.

Today I learned that I make kick ass spaghetti in cheese sauce.

Perhaps tomorrow I'll learn that I prefer wholesome food.

A girl can dream eh?

Peace be the journey

:-)

Do you have a dirty secret?

2010-08-08T09:16:00.004-04:00

Our Weight Watcher meeting this week touched on a lot of things. One in particular, was eating in secret. Hiding your food intake from others, sneaking food.

I don't do this. So, in my "I'm going to figure out why the fuck I'm fat" phase, I have decided to delve into my psyche on all the topics brought up at meetings.

I weighed 368 pounds and I wasn't a closet eater. I was an in your face, take this if you don't like it, fuck 'em if they can't take a joke, eater. Oh I died inside when I saw people looking at me at a buffet. I felt the heat rise up the back of my neck when I saw the glances when I got the big bucket of popcorn at the movie. I did it anyway. I'm a stubborn bitch if there ever was one. I still am. Back in the day, I used to go to Weight Watchers on Thursday night. After the meeting, a group of us would go out to dinner. We went to the Big Boy and always had the soup and salad bar. They had Weight Watchers cabbage soup, but I always had the cream of broccoli. They had fat free dressing, I had the blue cheese. It was my reward for being good all week. Thing is, part of the group that we went with included the leader, the weigher, and the secretary! How's that for in your face eating? I wonder what they thought? I don't wonder how I'd have reacted if they'd have said 'you know, you really shouldn't do this to yourself', but that's another post!

So, no, I'm not a closet eater at all. What you see is what you get. It wasn't always like that, now that I'm delving. I remember being very young and sneaking food. I wasn't allowed snacks, and I'd come home from school starving. I'd sneak something, anything. I used to get what my mom called bilious spells. I know now it was a gall bladder thing. My gall bladder would build up bile and it had to come out. I'd throw up for about 24 hours until it was all gone and then that was it. I wasn't allowed to eat or drink during these spells. My mom would make me wait 24 hours from the last time I was sick, and then I could have jello water. Only that for the next 24 hours and then I could have chicken soup. Nothing ever tasted better than that soup! Thing is, once all the bile was gone, I felt 100% fine. The sickness was gone, I was back to normal. Mom didn't know this, she was doing what she thought best. I remember once sneaking a whole block of cheese from the fridge and hiding it under my bed. Another time she'd made hamburger steaks in gravy for dinner and I snuck one of the left overs and hid in the bath tub and ate it. I walked to school. I'd save my money up and stop at the little party store on the route on the way home and buy junk to eat as I walked. It was gone when I got home, the evidence disposed of. When I was old enough to drive, it would be A & W hot dogs before dinner, chips, anything I could get my hands on. I'd be so stuffed when dinner came around, but I'd have to eat anyway or my parents might know what I'd done. So, around my parents, I was a food sneaker. That ended when I met TBM.

I don't know if it's just a rebellious thing or what. You'd think that eating all the food I eat in public would control what I eat, but it doesn't.

I wonder why? I think I shall ponder this further. Maybe it'll be another door unlocked for me.

What about you? Do you eat in private? Or, do you put it all out there?

Peace be the journey

:-)

Saturday thoughts

2010-08-07T09:16:00.002-04:00

Yes, I am a nerd. I love words. What can I say? I love when I'm talking to someone and they throw out a word I never heard. I love how it rolls off their tongue. I add it to my memory bank (full of holes these days!)for future reference. Sometimes I steal them and use them. You've noticed I'm sure that I stole 'asshat' from a fellow blogger. I just love it. It fits. It works. When I first read Carlos' blog (Oh man I miss him so much!!!), he used the word 'girthitude'. I never heave my fat about in exercise without thinking of that. I just love words. I get a word of the day email in fact. I have a folder labeled 'words' where I put the ones I like. I look at them every so often. I can't usually remember them to use them, but I do like looking at them. So, this came today.

Word of the Day for Saturday, August 7, 2010
mojo \MOH-joh\, noun:

1. Personal magnetism; charm.
2. The art or practice of casting magic spells; magic; voodoo.
3. An object, as an amulet or charm, that is believed to carry a magic spell.
4. Good luck or favor concerning an event or individual.

How many times have we been on a roll with our diet/exercise program and said 'I got my mojo workin'? Or, the all to common, and more often it seems, 'I lost my mojo'?

I know that sometimes, I'd like to know how to cast magic spells. I'd love to do some magic and be at goal weight. Maybe I need a charm?

Well, damn it, I'm not Samantha Stevens, much to my chagrin, and I can't nose twitch my fat away.

So, I have to gather up what I know works, and avoid what I know doesn't. I read blogs, get ideas, know other people are fighting the fight with me. Plod on. Avoid the asshats that try to derail me. Try to pare down my girthitude.

Today I'm going to be a sponge. Soak up all the good ideas and let the bad ones leak out.

Today I'm going to rock my mojo.

Peace be the journey

:-)

Deep breath

2010-08-06T09:27:00.003-04:00

I'm taking a deep cleansing breath before beginning & I'm drawing on my inner TJ this week for all it's worth.

Why, you ask? Well, I'd like to type more than 4 letter words, that's why!

OK, so my wonderful vacation week culminated in a .6 pound gain at my WI last night.

I'm sure that a lot of you think 'only' gaining .6 on vacation was wonderful. It would have been if that had been my goal. It wasn't. My goal was to lose.

I don't understand it even after looking back on everything. I planned ahead. I packed my own food. Breakfast in the hotel was what I brought, not their fare. Camping was the same. The times we ate out, I planned ahead and I counted the points. There were a few days, however, where I got busy and didn't have nearly enough points. That is what I'm attributing to my gain. It's working to soothe me so I'm going with that.

Just an FYI? Frozen custard is hella bad for you! I wanted it, and I planned for it and counted the points. All 16 of them!!!! I am sure a few of you think I'm crazy for using 16 points on an ice cream cone. It was the best I ever ate. Let me explain.

We were in Wisconsin visiting my second son and his family. They just bought a new house and as we're leaving for FL in 3 weeks, and for some unfathomable reason our boss gave us Fri, Sat, & Sun off together, this was our chance to see the house, and get some grand baby snuggling in. My second son is a foodie. He loves food. Loves to create food, loves to eat food. When he finds something he loves, he gets all excited and calls mom to share it. I love that about him. He's been married 5 years this week. I haven't got to talk to him alone since he got married. Now, don't be thinking all kinds of dark things here. It's not that I want to talk to him alone because I don't like his wife and can't talk in front of her. It's not that I want secret information. If you're a man, you won't understand. If you're a young mom, you probably won't either. If you're an older mom, you might. He got married 5 years ago as I said. Right out of college. In those 5 years he graduated, got married, got a great job. He bought a house, had a baby (premature I might add). They got pregnant a second time, another high risk pregnancy, and in the middle of that, he lost his job. Company went belly up. He busted his balls, found another job. A better job, better bennies, everything. In a different state. So, he packed up his wife, his 2 premature babies, his dog, and off they moved to a new state. A month ago, they bought a new house. He calls often and we talk of course...but about his job, what's going on etc. A lot has been going on with him, however, and mommy just had one question for him. Are you happy? I know he loves his work, he likes his new house, etc., but is he happy inside? Yep, that's it. That's all I wanted to know. I needed to know. He suggested we go to this awesome place for frozen custard after the kids went to bed and in my mind, it was the most wonderful thing ever. My baby is happy. Mommy is happy. 16 points of frozen custard? Priceless.

Ya, so I guess I haven't got that 'separate food from emotion' thing down yet!

OK, so .6 wasn't the end of the world. I am pissed but I'll get over it. It's not going to derail me. It's not going to get the better of me. To be honest, the thing that is really upsetting to me is I just know everyone thinks I just ate too much. Why do I care what people think? Hmmmm not too sure. I shall just smile and think evil thoughts and know in my mind that they're wrong!!

Has this ever happened to you? When you really know in your heart you were 'good', that you did the do, and the scale was an evil bitch to you? C'mon, let me know I'm not alone!

Peace be the journey.

:-)

A blur

2010-08-03T23:05:00.002-04:00

That's what this post is.

Wanted you to know I'm alive.

We're on vacation. Loving the shit right out of it.

Today is day 6 of vacation. Also day 6 of my WW week. Yep, I weighed in last Wednesday night and Thursday hit the road.

We've been to Wisconsin and back. Drove through Chicago twice. Stop and go, bumper to bumper traffic. Both times. Sucked.

We tossed stuff into the 5th wheel when we got back and hit the road in the opposite direction. We're 'camping' with friends now. Went to dinner tonight with other friends from out of state.

HUGE get together tomorrow in Frankenmuth, MI for all the MI ppl from our park in Florida. Family style chicken dinner.

So, where do I stand diet wise?

Well, even if you didn't ask, I plan to tell you. Day 6 on the road and day 6 of being on plan. Holy shit! Did you even hear that?

I'm not depriving myself. I had a glass of wine last night. Counted the points.

I was going to have lobster pizza tonight for dinner...had the points all counted and everything. It sucked. I didn't deem it point worthy so didn't eat it.

I've saved a lot of my weekly points for some fried chicken tomorrow. Not a binge, one piece.

I'm learning to eat normal.

I don't know what the scale will say. If there is a gain, it's not going to be from my diet.

I'm on a roll.

:-)

Day 2 pitfall

2010-07-30T09:09:00.002-04:00

I shall not cave.

Breakfast bar at the Hampton Inn. Waffles, scrambled eggs with cheese, sausage, full fat and full sugar yogurt, fruit in syrup, muffins, sausage, chocolate muffins, sausage, cranberry juice, my fave, instant oatmeal, all sweetened. Cereals, sweetned...getting the drift? Did I mention they have sausages?????

What is Pixie having...and more importantly enjoying? Well, what will she have and feel so freaking good about herself that she'll enjoy it even if it sucks????

Coffee with my fat free half and half that I brought. Baked oatmeal that I brought. Weight Watchers yogurt that I brought. I'll eat their banana. Oh ya, this is going to be a goooooooooooooooooooooood trip peeps!

:-)

Comin or goin?

2010-07-29T22:51:00.002-04:00

Not too freakin sure!

Here's the skinny. Had a good WI on Wed...think I lost a pound and some change.

Now, the crux. Always a freaking crux eh???

I'm traveling this week. Seven out of seven days actually. I'm excited. This is my first chance to try my 'I'm going to learn to eat like a normal person' life out for real.

So, today I had to pack, run errands, get ready for the first 3 of the 7. How'd that work for me? Well, right now I'm sitting in a Hampton Inn longingly eyeing the pillow top mattress with down pillows and down duvet. Oh? You wanted to hear how the food went?

I made TJ's baked oatmeal for this trip. I fixed a pasta salad chock full of veggies with Ronzoni's new garden pasta...each serving has a whole serving of veg too. Oh ya. I also packed a cooler with yogurt, bananas, fat free half and half, romaine, tomatoes, cucumbers. There are whole wheat english muffins and bagel thins. Some ham and some laughing cow wedges. Must be more shit in there as it's full.

I've done that before. Fixed all kinds of good stuff then ate out. I'm not doing that this time. We did plan to have dinner on the road. I chose Subway. I got a foot long black forest ham. It was the best sub I've ever had. They have spinach now...was yummy. I am not a fan of Subway, too much bread...overshadows the meat etc. Was watching Biggest Loser and the kid had them hollow out his roll. Can't believe I never thought of that before! My stuff fit right inside the hollow and it was easy to eat while I was driving. I could actually taste the filling. Yummy indeed. Pickles, yellow mustard, tomato, onions rounded out the ham and spinach. I ate half in the car and just finished the other half. I also had a yogurt. So, the end of today, balls to the wall busy, travel several hours....and I still have 5 points left.

Day number 1...score? Debby 1 Food Fest 0

Bring on day nubmer 2. I'm ready.

:-)

Today is for my friend

2010-07-28T08:28:00.002-04:00

I had a lot to say as I've not had time to blog in a few days. I just can't.

I'm so excited for my friend Sheryl.

She reached goal!!! I got home from work last night, was chatting with TBM, looking at my Tweets...and saw the one from Sheryl that said she'd reached goal. I got all excited....said 'OHHHHHHHHHHHHH BITCHCAKES REACHED GOAL!!!' I might've even been bouncing around in my chair. Of course, TBM thought I was freaking off my rocker. I may well be.

Any of you new to the blogging world may not know the attachment that can be formed from reading about someones struggle. Following their journey. Sheryl doesn't know me....she's probably never even heard of me. BUT, because of the blogging world. I know her. I celebrate her victories and I feel pain for her losses. I am inspired by her success, and I learn from her. Last year she went through some heartbreak. On her blog, she said her heart was breaking. I prayed for her daily. I was in Mass one Sunday, running through my list of people to pray for and I realized I didn't even know her name. So, right there at St. James Catholic Church I said "God please wrap your healing arms around Bitchcakes'. I'm sure He knew who I was talking about.

Today I celebrate my virtual friend Bitchcakes! She did it! Kudos to her. I'm still excited inside for her.

A stranger?

Not to me.

You are all my friends. My virtual friends.

When you quit blogging you are missed.

So, yesterday, one of us made it. One of us reached her goal. One of us grabbed that golden ring. One of us gave the rest of us hope. No, not hope, certainty. It can be done. It was done. I've actually got tears here. What a sissy. Check out her blog, give her some congrats. I think she earned them!

God bless Bitchcakes!!!

:-)

Attitude is everything. Pick a good one!!!

2010-07-23T10:26:00.003-04:00

I think the biggest difference this time round with WW is my attitude.

In the past, I'd go to that first WW meeting after a long absence all fired up. I was going to 'get down to business', get it done this time. Taking no prisoners. If you read my 'anal probe blog', you'll understand what I considered getting down to business. I didn't do that this time. I'm too old for that shit. I've mellowed with age...like cheese! With age, definitely comes wisdom.

We have a lot of family phrases....I bet you guys do too. One that applies here is 'Lighten up Francis'. Not sure where it came from, but TBM says it all the time. I told myself that the whole week before I went back to WW. If I'd start stressing, I'd say 'lighten up Francis'...and calm myself.

I really wasn't ready to go back. I really wanted another week....I knew another week would mean a whole 7 days of uncontrolled eating, more weight to take off, and I really didn't want that either. I told myself I was going last week. Alone. When I'd get that feeling of 'aaaaaakkkkkkkkkk!!!! what am I doing????', I'd take a breath and lighten up. I was just going to do it. No big deal. S'all gravy baby. Another phrase...from my youngest (who by the way is his mother personified!!)

So, I went. I got up the next day, the first day OP of course, and just did it. If I started to feel caged in, limited choices, I told myself to lighten up. I can have anything I want...I'm not deprived. If I screw up today, no biggie, tomorrow will be better. I went in this time knowing it's a life time thing. I've said that before, but I've never believed it. I always thought I'd work the program 100% my way (the anal way), get to goal, then relax and do it like it's intended. Well, you see how that worked for me!

In the past, I'd start WW and immediately think of some event coming up and start to panic that I'd want treats then. I have an example handy....We're going to a big get together in August(yes, I realize I joined WW in July...told you...this is how my mind works!)....all the Michigan people from our FL home are getting together in Frankenmuth here in MI. We're having lunch at a family style place. Chicken, fried of course, taters, stuffing, the works. The thought popped into my mind that I can't go to that! No way my 35 extra points for the week will cover that...oh God what will I do??? I'll have to sit there and sip water while they all pig out! The horror!!!! Oh ya, my mind works like that. I actually got myself all worked up over this....for about 20 seconds. In the past, it would have been two weeks of worrying, agonizing, and then a total pig out that day, the day after, and probably the day before too! That's how I rolled.

This time is different. I'm thinking of these events and telling myself it's OK if I have a little extra. I know that doesn't work for a lot of you, but let me tell you what's happening here.

I wake up in the morning, think about what I'd like to eat that day...and immediately think OMG it's not enough points!!! I've been taking a deep breath, telling myself if I go over points today, s'all gravy baby as I've got those 35 extra. It'll work. The surprising thing that's happening, is telling myself not to worry, I'm not worrying, and I've had plenty of points every single day without even needing to dip into my weeklies. They're there if I want them though. Amazing what an attitude change can do!

In the past, I never wanted to have a heavy point lunch as what if I didn't have enough points left for dinner....lighten up Francis...enjoy lunch, then worry about dinner.

If attitude is everything, I like the one I've chosen to adopt!

How's your attitude? Does it need an adjustment?

S'all gravy baby

:-)

Food for thought....

2010-07-22T11:31:00.002-04:00

So, I got an email from my friend in England this morning with this link attached. He gets emails any time Houghton Lake is mentioned, and thought I'd be interested.

I went, watched, and was instantly disgusted. Maybe it's just me, maybe it just hit a nerve, but when are we going to stop pushing food??? OMG could our nation become any more obese?????

Just in case you don't go to this disgusting link, it's a story about a new business in our town.

Now, I'm all for the small business person...usually.

This one is a floating food porn pontoon. You're at the beach, swimming, playing, maybe even burning a calorie...do you really need a boat to float up to you and toss you a hot dog???? Wing you some ice cream??? Are we so freaking lazy and fat that we can't trudge our rolls out of the water now and get to dry land before consuming food? We have to have it floated to us? OMG people, when will it stop??

I'm proud to be an American, don't get me wrong. I truly believe in our country, and I cherish our flag. We've got to get over this bigger/better attitude. We're killing ourselves. We're killing our kids. Who do you think this boat targets? Kids. Yep, they're in the water playing, not even thinking of food until this pulls up and waves ice cream in their faces. Holy shit, give the kids a chance to live here!!!!

I just don't know what it's going to take to get our nation on a healthy path. Something drastic I'm sure. It's not right for a parent to let their child become obese. Yes, that's right, I said it. Those of you that know me know I say it like I feel it. Got me into trouble many a time I assure you. Hear me out.

I go to Wal-Mart and see a very obese woman in a powered wheel chair nudging along her mother, also very obese in a regular wheel chair, who is pushing a cart with the fattest toddler I've ever seen. He fills the grocery cart. He's eating out of a bag of cookies like a starved animal. He's 2. I asked. I'm sorry, I feel both of those women should go to jail. They're killing that baby. At 2 years old, anything that baby puts in his mouth is given to him by someone else. They have the choice to feed him healthy food. They, and nobody else, is starting that child on a life full of health problems. That's child abuse in my book. No, I didn't say anything...I didn't know what to say. I'm ashamed about that actually. I hope that baby is still alive.

We need a system here. You take your kid in for his first shots and he weighs more than the nurse, you get nutritional counseling. No more can you use the excuse that you didn't know how to feed your baby. Better yet, every baby born should come with a food guide. "How to feed your baby the healthy way". You have to read it and sign a paper that you understood it before you take that baby home.

When I had my first child, and he started eating food. He was hungry all the time I thought. I'd feed him, and a little while later he'd cry for more. I fed him more. I loved feeding him. What a good boy, look at all he eats! I was 19, I knew nothing. There were no lessons. I took him for a check up and of course he was heavier than he should be. Doc asked me about his diet. I told him how his food went for the day. Get up, have a bottle. A little while later, have some cereal. A little while later, some fruit. Another bottle, more cereal, bottle, veg, bottle, fruit...you get the drift. I thought Doc was going to have an apoplectic fit! He was an old guy, but had his nutrition marbles in a row! Holy shit did he chew me out. He said that baby should be eating 3 times a day. He looked at me and said I was creating an obese child that was going to have a life just like mine. Is that what I wanted? I cried of course. Hell no I didn't want my baby to have the life I had. Kids are mean to fat kids...I'm sure some of you might know that. I wanted the best for my baby. Oh sure, it took a few days to get him on the new schedule, but I did. He was a healthy child. Right up until he hit about 8th grade. Then he started poofing up. He still fights a weight battle and I feel so guilty about that. Did how I started his life of eating create that? I dunno, but my other two sons don't fight that battle. I will always wonder if my oldest sons obesity is my fault.

Your baby falls down and scrapes his knee..do you really think a cookie makes it better???? Um no. A hug and some kisses and a new activity would do just the same. We need to teach our babies not to associate food with emotions like that. Think how that would have helped us along our weight loss journeys.

Your baby won't eat his peas, or his green beans, or any veg? No, if he knows you're going to give him something else, something tastier in his little mind, he won't. They're not stupid those little ones. They learn that if they refuse to eat, you'll give them something else. You have the power to bring good eating to your child. I know I'm old fashioned, and have old ideas, but you know what? A baby doesn't eat his food at lunch, it goes in the fridge and he gets it for dinner. He doesn't eat it at dinner? Bet he'll eat it at breakfast. He's not going to starve to death if he doesn't eat for 24 hours.

I don't exempt myself from all blame either. I know that I always had special treats on special occasions. Birthdays, Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter...they all had their special foods associated. We always went for ice cream after the awards ceremonies at school...so yes, I am ashamed to admit, that food was used inappropriately in my home. I will, however, stand tall and tell you all that I fed my children very healthy meals most of the time. I didn't fry food, they ate veg, they had a very balanced diet. We didn't have desserts, we didn't have junk. There was always a snack for them if they wanted it. Fruit, veg, cheese, yogurt, etc. See, I grew up and snacks were a no no. I learned to sneak food.

I was fat from the time I was in 1st grade. I was skinny in kindergarten, and then pfoooooooot, I woke up fat and 5. I'd come home from school starving to death, as most kids do. My mom didn't allow snacking before dinner. I was fat you know? I did what any hungry kid would do. I found food, I hid, I ate it. I kept doing this until I was old enough to drive somewhere after school and get a few hot dogs and a few bags of chips as I was famished. Of course, I ate so much that at dinner time, I wasn't hungry. I had to eat dinner though, or mama would figure out what I had done.

Had my mother known that snacks were healthy, needed for kids, maybe I'd have got my weight under control earlier. Hell, maybe I wouldn't have been fat at all. I do not blame my mother at all. She didn't know better. I really feel parents of today do know better. They do know what that baby needs, they just don't do it.

I understand it's awesome to be the one that makes your child's face light up. You give a kid something sweet, something he loves, he's going to be happy. You're going to feel good about yourself. If that child develops a weight problem that he will carry with him for the rest of his life , with all the health problems along with it, are you going to feel good about yourself then? I don't think so.

I guess I got off on a tangent this morning...and I'm really sorry this went so long, but can you tell this is something close to my heart. Something I feel so strongly about. I want our nation to be healthy. I want our kids to have a fighting chance in the health world. I want us to teach our children what we weren't taught. I don't want them to have to fight like we're fighting. I for one am having a hard time with my weight...I'd give anything in the world if none of my children had to go through this. If I could wave a magic wand, I'd wave that bad boy all day long to make it better!

I shall step down off my soapbox now.

:-)

Just a little bit

2010-07-20T09:48:00.002-04:00

Sometimes we think results take great efforts.

Great efforts become a chore so we don't do them.

So, we don't see results.

I've said 'baby steps' so many times, but never appreciated the concept until just now. You always hear that just a little bit of extra effort adds up. Ya, yawn. I saw it in writing today, and it hit home.

I get daily emails from Joy Bauer, called 'The Daily Plumb'. Today's really made an impact on my baby step theory. She was talking about adding little extras in. Before there were gyms, what did people do? Before there were automatic dishwashers, elevators, etc. Here is part of it.

"For instance, the next time you have a choice between stairs or an elevator, take the stairs. You can either walk all the way up or, if your destination is on a very high floor, just part of the way. When it comes to escalators, don't let them do all the work for you — climb as fast as you can. You'll get to your destination faster and build super-strong quad muscles to boot. If you take mass transit to your office, get off a stop or two early and walk the rest of the way. If you drive, park farther away.

The bottom line is this: The calories you burn just by turning back the clock on one activity have a nice way of adding up. Even if it's just an extra 50 per day, that still leaves you five pounds lighter in a year's time. Not bad!"

Holy shit!!! I can lose 5 pounds in a year by choosing to burn 50 extra calories each day? Baby steps indeed!!!

I found this site that shows how it adds up. Give it a look see.
Anything in there you could do today to burn 50 extra calories? I'm going to find one.

From now on, parking at the end of the parking lot isn't going to seem like a wasted effort...nope, it's going to add up.

Hmmm I wonder how long I have to type to burn 50 calories????

C'mon, you know you want to join me. What little extra can you do today? Might give someone else an idea!

Peace be the journey!

:-)

Anal probe

2010-07-19T14:36:00.003-04:00

No, not the thing, the personality. Are you anal?

I sure am. To the nth degree.

That has been one of my problems with weight loss in the past. I scoffed at people at the meetings that said they just eyeballed portions. Eyeball??? Nooooooooo noooooooo nooooooo not me! I weighed. I didn't just weigh in ounces, I weighed in grams.

I learned that a 1/2 cup of oatmeal weighs way more than it should. Therefore, if I measured, instead of weighed, I got more oats, therefore more calories, therefor more fat. If I couldn't weigh out my oats, 40g btw, I'd skip the oatmeal for that day. If I couldn't weigh my cereal, I'd skip it. Potato chips? Count 15? What are you? Some kind of sick pervert??

I would make a double batch of something, let's say oatmeal here. So, it's all cooked together in one pan. How do I separate it? Get two bowls and dollop some in each? Oh hell no. Get 2 exactly matching bowls, and yes, weigh them to make sure they are exactly the same. Then, carefully spoon oatmeal into each. Weigh one, then the other. A few grams off? Keep moving oats from one bowl to the other until it's exactly the same. A gram people.....a gram! A freakin gram can be 1 oat! Is there even any such thing as 1 oat??? I'd get them exactly the same and there'd be 1 oat left....couldn't put it in either bowl...so would toss it. Um, Anal? Who me???

I have broken many a pretzel in half to get the exact gram count.

Eat a chicken thigh and count it as 3 points? Oh no no no....weigh the said chicken thigh with the bone, eat the meat, then weigh what's left. It might be less than 3 ounces you know...then less points!

OMG it's no wonder I'd get so frustrated and cry to my very good friend Ian that I just couldn't take it anymore. I'm sure this is why he's bald. He's pulled his hair out in exasperation from listening to me moan! I'd actually break down in tears....flail my arms and everything. I just can't take any more weighing and measuring. It's too much work. Don't even get me started on planning and tracking!

Earth to freakin Debby...YOU'RE MAKING IT WORK!!! It doesn't have to be. It doesn't have to be exact. Oh, it has to be close, but holy shit get a life! If there is 1 extra oat in today's bowl and 1 less tomorrow....won't it really all even out???

Deep breath here....this is another way I'm trying to change this time around....yes, it will even out. There, I said it!

Today I made oatmeal using a measuring cup. I didn't have a heart attack or anything.

Today I took 4 Jennie-O turkey sweet Italian sausages, split them open and divided each sausage in half and cooked them all up. I didn't weigh them...I just broke them in half the best I could. I didn't even need a paper bag to breathe in!

I measured cherries into individual containers today. I just took the stems off and tossed them into the cup. I didn't try to jiggle the cup, arrange each cherry to get the most in...I went with the flow. I don't think cherries have ever tasted sweeter!

Pixie is stomping on the anal probe this time. I may be old, but man oh man I'm still learning!

:-)

Not sure where to start

2010-07-18T13:46:00.003-04:00

Learned so many things in just the past few days...not sure what I want to blog about.

First, just an FYI. Pickles. Like them? We do. I buy the gallon jug at Sam's. OK, so the gallon of whole pickles costs less than the gallon of pickle spears. I look at them and think hmmmmm are the spears more expensive because they're already cut, or do you pack more spears into the gallon than whole pickles. Ya, I know...have told you before my mind is a freaking scary place. We use a Tupperware pickle keeper so we don't have to haul the gallon jug out every time we want one. So, today, I popped open the new jar and began to spear them for the pickle keeper...then I thought aha! Perfect day to do the experiment. I got out a big bowl and cut the whole entire jug into spears and then began stuffing them back into the jar. I was actually surprised by the outcome. A gallon of whole pickles takes up exactly the same space as a gallon of pickle spears. Ya, so I flunked physics too...as that really did surprise me. I thought you'd fit more cut pickles into the same amount of space. So, it is indeed cheaper to buy whole pickles and cut them yourself...which is what I've been doing all these years. Now I know my effort was worth it.

OK, that isn't what I wanted to blog about, but I just had to share that. I shall keep the rest short so I don't bore the pants off you.

Portion size is important. Yes, that's not news, really. It is, when applied to the following situation. I hate veg as you all know. I measure my veg so I know I'm getting enough, not so I know if I'm having too much. So, I like broccoli soup. I make my own, WW friendly and it's good. It's really good. So, I always think, hmmm I like it, it's pureed, I'll just eat all 3 servings of my veg right here in this bowl. I start eating and it's fabulous. I keep eating and it's good. I get 1/2 way through and I think 'crap, there's a lot left in the bowl. A few more bites and I'm gagging it down. So, a good thing just got crap. I leave the rest in the bowl. Don't know how many veg I consumed, or how many points either. A bust.

So, after my mind was on fire from 'The Great Pickle Discovery', I turned to other things. I was fixing broccoli soup for my lunch today...to pack veg in you know? I cooked the living crap out of the broccoli and pureed it to smithereens with my boat motor. Was really pretty in the pan. The first thing I decided to do was to portion out the slurry right then, before I added anything else. That way, I can experiment with each batch. I might want 2% Velveeta in one, or Parmesan in one, or like today, I used Laughing Cow light Swiss. So, got 6 containers I think with 1/2 cup pureed broccoli each. I left 1/2 cup in the pan. Looked like a piddly amount. I thought oh I should add more, get more veg in. Then I remembered what ALWAYS happens. So I didn't. I added a wedge of LC, and 2T of fat free 1/2 & 1/2. More pepper...and that was it. Put it into my soup cup. Hmmm not much....then I settled down with that and my 'garlic toast'. Today I made my 'garlic toast' with a Thomas bagel thin, 1 t olive oil, fresh garlic and fresh basil, and sea salt. I sat with my soup and it was good. I got half way through and it was still good. I scraped the bottom of the bowl and it was still good! I wanted more...I wasn't gagging. Wow!!!

So, yes, I still need 2 more veg today somewhere...but I had 1 that I liked. I'm determined to change my thinking and actions this time round. Change my habits for life, not just for the duration of the diet. I can't go through life gagging down shit I don't like. Well I can, but I won't. If this is going to be a plan I can live with the rest of my life, I have to make it good.

Today, so far, it is good.

I'm old, but I'm still learning!!!

:-)

New Girl

2010-07-16T08:47:00.002-04:00

Yep, so I'm the new girl.

Went back to Weight Watchers last night. To a meeting where nobody knew me. Didn't give my 'secret' away. Felt awesome.

I've gained 40ish pounds. Fuck me sideways.

Left the meeting all invigorated. Went to bed in doubt about today. Why?

Simple. Let me give you a little glimpse into my mind. Hold someones hand, it's a scary place.

Left the meeting fired up.

Went to the store after dinner to get a few essentials for today as TBM has to work at 9:30 and I don't want to keep the truck. Still fired up.

Got home, played on the computer, still fired up.

Thought pops into my head. There's a half a loaf of Portuguese bread in the drawer and butter in the fridge. Maybe I should wait one more day to begin the diet. You know, eat that. It's really good and was expensive, don't want to waste it. Not fair to feed it to TBM as he needs to lose a C note or two. Not so fired up now....

TBM is in the kitchen setting the coffee pot for morning...he springs out into the apartment and says to me "Did you know there's a bag of potato chips in the pantry?! Wavy chips! They're wavy chips! Did you know this?" Um, no, but I do now asshat. Thank you very much. NOW all I can think about are those F'ing wavy Lays in the pantry. Definitely not so fired up now.

Much easier to just take one more day off...plan a menu today...get organized for tomorrow.

OMG do you see the horrors of my mind??? WHY does my mind work like that. Do any of your minds work like that? I can't possibly be the only F'd up person in the weight loss world am I???

At this exact moment. I can't honestly tell you that it's going to be OK. I'm fighting myself. I'm like a drug addict with food.

I'm not sure who's winning.

Ya, they don't all end upbeat!

:-)

Tonight's the night

2010-07-15T09:27:00.003-04:00

Though I do love Rod Stewart, I don't think we're exactly talking about the same thing here.

Tonight is the night I go back to Weight Watchers. Ya, that just doesn't quite compare to what old Rod was crooning about...but it's what is in my future.

I have thoughts about tonight though, and since I'm not a singer (shut it Ian!), I'll just write.

I wrote the other day about needing to do things a bit different. I mean, obviously something wasn't quite working the old way...so I need to shake it up a bit.

I'm going to a meeting tonight where nobody knows me. There is one right here in my town, so why am I driving 50 miles to another one? Well, firstly, because I don't like the meeting here. I like the leader, I don't like the members. They're the same old members that have been there since the 70's. They're not upbeat. They're sad sacks. The room is awful. It's a huge, cavernous room that echos. You can't hear well. It's clique-y. I don't like that. Not because I'm not part of it, I am, but that's not how I roll. I want to meet new people, hear their stories, bring them into the group. That's not allowed.

Most important, they know me. Why does that matter? What is the main reason I'm going somewhere that nobody knows me? Well, because they know me. They know my story. All my troubles are discounted. I'm obviously floundering, but I'll receive no help because they know how far I've come. They don't see that I need help. I'm the helper not the helpee. I just want to be one of the crowd. I want to be the new girl that is having problems. I don't want to be the girl that has lost over 100 pounds.

There was always a rush when the leader would ask me to share my story. The minute I did, however, I was not one of them anymore. I wasn't someone that was struggling to lose weight, I was someone that did it. Kind of like workers and management. I wasn't finished, but that didn't matter. We'd be talking about difficulties, and I wasn't really allowed to join in.

I want the new person help. When I say my eating is out of control, I want ideas of what to do, how to stop it. I don't want rolled eyes and 'oh you'll get it, you always do', and then the topic switches to something else.

I can't talk to my non weight watching friends about this. They don't want to hear it. They don't understand. I'm boring them to death. They're like 'well just do it. Why do you need Weight Watchers...'. I'm sure some of you get the same thing.

I'm excited about my meeting tonight. I know I can share that with you and you'll get it.

I'm so pumped about being the new girl. The girl that wants to lose 50-90 pounds. The girl that will celebrate each 5 pound mark with gusto. Those little celebrations are like gold to me. I was cheated out of them. I had lost 170 pounds, so when I got another star...it was a ho hum response when the leader presented it. Tonight is a chance for me to start over.

Tonights the night. It's gonna be alright. Ain't nobody gonna stop me now.

:-)

Weight Watchers Works

2010-07-13T21:40:00.002-04:00

Oh hell yes it does.

OK, here's the history. I know WW works as I've been there, and done that. I've joined WW and I lost weight.

I fell off the program, and I gained weight.

I joined WW again, and I lost weight.

As you all know, I'm going back to meetings this week. I need them. I can't do this alone...ya I know, I'm needy...what can I say?

I got this email from Florine Mark today...oh ya...we're BFF's ya know? So, I read what she had to say. Then, I actually thought about what she said, then I thought 'holy shit she's really said something here'. Here's what Flo said to me. I thought it was deep. Read it...think about it yourself.

Just about everyone faces setbacks in life. But part of success is dealing with and ultimately, learning from our failures. Persistence is important, but repeating the same actions over and over again probably won’t get you any closer to your objective. Look at your previous unsuccessful efforts and decide what to change. Keep making adjustments, using your experience as a guide. Never give up!

OMG, it's so true. Yes, Weight Watchers works, but you have to do it right. What's right for me, might not be what's right for you. I have to find what is right for me. I can't go back to meetings this week and do exactly what I did before, because, obviously, that really didn't work. Yes, I lost weight, but I gained it back too. I need to really think about the program and maybe tweak it somehow. Find what works and keep that, and figure out what didn't work and shit can that. Gaining 40 pounds sucks...but at least I can learn something from it.

Oh ya, I got some thinkin and some plannin to do.

:-)

Can you be bribed?

2010-07-12T11:45:00.002-04:00

I wish I could.

Can you bribe yourself to 'be good' with some sort of reward? The proverbial carrot dangling from the string?

I freaking wish I could. Maybe I need to learn.

I have the wherewithal to tell myself "OK, you stay OP this week and you can buy yourself that brand new Janet Evanovich book for your Kindle'. It sounds good in theory, but it doesn't work that way with me. I either A. half way through the week say 'fuck it, I'll do it next week. I can wait a week for the book.' Or, B. say 'Fuck it, I'll buy the damn book anyway cuz I'm a princess and I can.' See the prob here?

When I was 17 years old and leaving for college. My dad told me that if I lost 100 pounds he'd give me a car. Yep, when the other dads were saying 'now look here princess, don't be putting out to every guy you meet', my dad was bribing me to lose weight. He wasn't worried about me putting out, I mean really....anyway, point is. That car was mine. Oh yes, in my mind I was driving it because all I had to do was lose 100 pounds. Ya, so of course I didn't get the car. I didn't get the brand new wardrobe, I didn't get the 100 bucks for each pound lost either.

So, sitting here all alone (TBM is taking a nap. It's his birthday today, we both have the day off, I thought exciting things would be commencing today. When asked what he wanted to do on his birthday, he replied 'take a nap', and that's just what he did) and wondering about WHY I can't be bribed.

Is it part of the short in my wiring? Is it part of this instant gratification thing? Of course it is. So, perhaps, if I learned to be bribed, I might learn other things? If I learn the patience required for bribery to work, I just might learn a bit more about myself.

I'm going to try it anyway. I'll try anything once!

I WANT that Janet Evanovich book. I want it NOW.

Noting up my sleeve here....I'm going to attempt to bribe myself. I'm going to, well now, right now I AM telling myself the following.

If you:
1. Re-join WW this week AND
2. Track all your food this week AND
3. Exercise formally at least two times AND
4. Post a loss at your next meeting (yes, a scale victory is a must even if you think it's wrong for you)

You may then, and ONLY then, rush home and hit the 'buy now' button on that book. Furthermore, if you don't complete all 4 chores, you may NEVER buy the book. Not next week if you do really good, not the week after if you do triple good, NEVER. You must then wait for your name to come up on the list at the library.

Limits. What a concept.

:-)

Happy Saturday Peeps!

2010-07-11T09:40:00.003-04:00

OK all, here's the skinny.

Well, not so skinny. I'm fat! Who knew? My clothes for one. NONE of them fit. Oh yes, I feel so comfortable going out and about in clothes that are too tight.

I'm going back to Weight Watchers meetings starting Wednesday.

I got my work schedule for this week and I'm off Wed and Thursday...convenient as that's when the meetings are eh?

I should be able to do it on my own. I know the program inside out. I've been attending since 1977. The one thing I have learned, is I just am not accountable to myself. That is something I shall work on. It's obviously a blip in my brain sensor somewhere that needs a bit of solder. I've tried to short circuit it with Oreo's and potato chips, but that didn't work!

I hear over and over again that we need to learn why we eat. Why we do the things we do. I don't know. Do you? I mean really, do many of us know WHY we stuff food into our faces? I'm amazed when Jillian Michaels seems to figure it out in a week on her show...maybe she needs to come visit me.

I try to simplify it. Just say that I'm an instant gratification type of girl. I want what I want, when I want it. Nah, it's got to be something more. I just honestly have NO idea what.

I don't eat until I'm sick like I've heard others do.

I don't eat in private, in fact, quite the opposite. I don't give a rats ass who sees me eat a whole pizza...nope, bring on the crowds.

I don't eat, then purge. No, I've NEVER been a purger. I'm selfish. I ate it, it's mine to keep!!!

Do I eat when I'm not really hungry? Yes I do. Why? I don't know.

Do I eat 12 cookies instead of 1? Yes I do. Why? Because they taste good and I like them.

Do I eat a whole bag of potato chips at one sitting? Yes I do. Why? Because I like them and I can.

When I'm eating, if something doesn't taste good, I quit. As soon as the chips don't taste as good as they did, I quit. I then, however, move on to something else. I need to learn to just QUIT!

It's the same with my meals. If I'm eating and it doesn't taste good. I quit. I'll wait until something tastes better. I don't like veg...so I'll try them, they of course suck, so I don't eat them. Ya, I know....I'm a 2 year old. What can I say?

I don't mind being hungry. On the contrary, I like the feeling. So, WTF is wrong with me? Wait, don't answer that!

So, I'm going back to my WW meeting. I'm going to attempt to lose the 40 freaking pounds I gained...along the way I'm going to really pay attention and learn. Learn what you say? Well, even if you didn't, here's what I want to learn.

1. One or two cookies is enough.
2. One slice of peanut butter cake is enough.
3. One lemon bar is enough.
4. One small bowl of potato chips, or any other salty snack is enough.
5. If I'm not hungry, don't eat.
6. I want to learn moderation. I want to know I can eat 'real food' with real people in moderation. One meal. One day. Not 37 meals for 3 months.
7. I want to have a glass of wine for dinner if I want and learn to cut back somewhere else to accommodate that.
8. I want to learn to eat normal.
9. Moderation, moderation, moderation.
10. Did I mention Moderation???

That's all peeps. A Pixie has to do what a Pixie has to do. I need the support of my WW meetings...and all of you of course!

:-)

Tough love = No love?

2010-07-10T08:44:00.002-04:00

Mornin peeps.

Oh, before I get started. Water. It was water. I chose to begin my health quest (a-freaking-gain) with water. I put 8 cups of water in a Tupperware fridge container (which btw is a piece of shit and don't ever buy it! It's orange, narrow so it fits in the door of your fridge, but it glugs when you pour it. Always. Even when you're pouring out the last cup, it glugs and the water, well comes out in glugs and splashes. Needs some kind of vent), and I proceeded to drink it all the day before yesterday. When you're not used to drinking water, that was a freakin lot of water! I did it again yesterday, and I intend to do it again today, and tomorrow, and the day after tomorrow....got the idea?

OK, so on to today's topic.

Tough love and weight loss. Tough love and life in general. Do they go hand in hand? Does it motivate you? When you're floundering, either in your diet, or your life, and someone tells you to suck it up, pull up your big girl panties, etc. Does it help or hinder? Discuss.

Oh pick me! I'll go first! Can you just see me in Catholic school, in my desk, bouncing up and down with my hand in the air waving about??? Arnold Horshack in a uniform...OOH! OOH! OOH!

So, for me, it hinders. Hell yes I know I need to suck it up. It's OK for me to tell me to suck it up, etc...but I find that when my friends tell me that, it kind of hurts my feelings. It makes me feel they just don't want to listen to my pain, my problems. It's easier to just brush it off, tell me to suck it up, and go on to happier topics.

We all have pain in our life at some point. We all aren't Suzy Sunshine 100% of the time. I'll admit I'm Debby Does the Happy Dance most of the time, but there are times when I'm just not shooting rays of sunshine out my ass...ya know? That's when I just want my friends to commiserate. Just say 'holy shit, it sucks to be you right now', just go along with me. I'm just venting. I don't do it often, but sometimes I just need to vent.

I know it's not OK to eat a whole cheesecake. OK, so I didn't really do that (I only brought 2 pieces home or I might have though!), but if I had, I think I'd just like my friends to say "Man, why didn't you bring me some", or some such trivial nonsense. I know it doesn't help. I know it was a hell of a lot of fat and calories. I KNOW. I did it anyway. Will I do it again? Most probably. Would someone telling me 'holy shit you moron that was stupid, dont do it again!' help? Nope, not for me it wouldn't. It would just piss me off.

For the most part, my life is idyllic. For the most part. The part that isn't, sucks ass. Sweaty ass. When I unload on my friends my deepest feelings, I just want sympathy. Empathy even if it applies. I don't want them to fix it, to make it better, to change me. I just want hugs, even if they're virtual hugs. I just want to unload, get it off my chest. I'm not a keep it in kind of girl. So, when I get 'grow up, or suck it up, or whatever' that translates in my world as "Holy shit shut up about your problems already I'm sick of listening! You need to quit dwelling on them and let me talk now."

Is that what they mean? Hell no. My friends are the most loving, caring, fantastic people in the whole world. Hell, they've got me...what more could they ask? They love me, they think they're helping. They just don't know how bad it hurts. I got another email from that person that told me to suck it up from my last post...explaining they were just trying to help. They thought tough love would do it. Ya, not so much for me I found!

Am I a twirling in my diaphanous gown with my crown of flowing flowers while my unicorn plays in the posies kind of girl? You bet your ass I am. Sometimes I just want to live in my own dream world. It's so awesome there. You'd love it.

Point is, I'm a positive reinforcement girl. I know not everyone is, but that's how I roll. I'll be more apt to go out and do something if I'm encouraged, than I would if I was ordered. Pain in the ass? Maybe, but I'm worth it.

What floats your boat?

No matter what it is, you're worth it too!

:-)

Listing to one side

2010-07-08T08:43:00.003-04:00

I'm a list maker.

Yep, I'm one of those people that loves lists. I'll start out with a long list of tasks, and cross them off one by one when completed. If I do something that isn't on the list, I'll add it to the list so I can cross it off. Ya, I know, but honestly, that's the least of my psychotic foibles!!! The left shoe must always go on first...OK, not going to start down THAT list right now!

I get daily emails from some weight loss gurus. Denise Austin is one. She can be irritating to watch with that smile and bubbly personality....but you have to admit, she's got a bod on her AND she's not a teenager either. Today she talked about small steps and lists. Actually, the topic was 'Rethink your habits one step at a time'. Yes, we've all heard that shit before. Have you ever done it? I really never have I don't think. I've never made a list of everything about my health I want to change. I haven't rethunk my habits.

You see, right now I'm a bit overwhelmed. Everything is wrong again. I don't mean I just started eating sweets...I mean I quit everything. So, the thought of 'getting back on the wagon', just about brings me to my knees. Kind of like I'm not too sure where to begin. I get up in the morning and think OK, let's start. Then I think....where the hell DO I start?????

I'm a big fan of movies. Love my musicals....so....

Let's start at the very beginning. It's a very good place to start. (c'mon sing with me!) When you read you begin with A-B-C......

I'm going to make a list (ohhhh a spreadsheet! I love spreadsheets almost as much as lists! Ya, I know, I'm an F'd up girl!) and start crossing things off one by one. They say that if you do something for 3 weeks, it becomes a habit. Now, I'm not going to take 3 weeks on each thing....but if I do one thing today, that's one more thing than I did yesterday. Tomorrow, if I do that one thing again, maybe I'll try a second thing....always keeping up with the first thing.

Kind of like keeping those plates twirling on the pole. When one falls, it seems they all tumble down...I need to learn that when one plate falls, it doesn't mean I need to sit in the shards. It means I need to whip another plate on that pole and keep twirling.

If one day I don't do one thing, that's no reason not to do all the rest. Capish?

OK, so here's my list, in no particular order mind you. Do you have a list? Have you ever made a list? I highly recommend it.

1. Drink some freaking water. I drink NONE right now. I want to drink 8 cups a day. Holy shit that's a half gallon. OK, breathe. I can do this. One cup at a time. One day at a time.

2. Eat some damn fruit and veg. I'd like to eat a minimum of 2 fruits and 4 veg a day. Right now? Ya, that's right, I eat none. Unless it's fried. I like fried.

3. Quit eating the freaking fried shit. Period.

4. Eat whole grain only. No white rice. No white bread. No pasta that isn't whole grain. Not so hard with all the options today.

5. Cut out the cow. Not totally, just learn to incorporate the fish and the chicken. I eat 0 fish. Zip, nada, zilch. Pretty much same with chicken. If I eat meat, I go bovine. Stop that shit!

6a. Quit the mindless eating. I eat dinner, an hour later I'm hungry again. Bullshit. No way I can be truly hungry and hour after I ate. It's in my head.

6b. If I eat my 3 meals and a snack or two, and those meals and snacks are healthy and substantial, that should do me. I can't eat a slice of toast and a tomato for lunch and expect it to sustain me. C'mon girlfriend...get a clue! Food groups beotch...learn them. Use them.

7. Quit giving in to the sweet craving. I have NO F'ing idea where this came from. I've never been a sweet eater. I like my salt. Now, I actually get cravings for sweets that are like an addicts cravings for drugs. I want it and I want it now! I get all jittery inside thinking about it. Will one satisfy? Hell no. I make a pan of brownies and I chip away at them until I eat the whole frigging pan. Oh don't doubt me here. It's true.

8. Butter is not my friend.

9. Move my fat ass. In a mindful manner. The days I work, I work. My job is physical. On my feet. I walk about 3-5 miles during the course of my shift. I lift, I move. I work 2 days a week. The other 5 I sit on my fat ass and do nothing exercise wise. So, those days "I want to move it move it" (told you I loved my movies!).

10. Dairy. Embrace the lactose. I like it. Do I drink it? Nope. Do I eat my yogurt? Nope. Why the hell not??? Who the hell knows!!!! Goal? Three a day.

I think 10 is a good place to start.

So, which one am I going to choose for today? Hmmmm I dunno yet. The choice is mine to be made and it will be made. I'll let you know tomorrow.

ADDENDUM: OMG ppl...really? This post wasn't up 5 minutes before I got an email from someone telling me I was a lazy bitch and this was a cop out. More exucses to not get started. You have got to freaking be kidding me! Is this not a journey? Is this supposed to be some miraculous instant change? I think not! I'm glad that 'you' (insert email person here) have your poop in a group...I don't. I bet other people out there don't either. Some of us are still trying to figure it out. Cut us some fucking slack!

OK, NOW I'm done!

:-)

Wow!

2010-06-25T10:08:00.003-04:00

Ya, so I poached this from another blog. What else is new????

I can't remember who suggested I read Nutmeg Notebook...but someone must have mentioned her in their blog or I wouldn't have found her, or saved her to my feed reader. As you know, I'm busier than a cat covering shit here lately, so I get behind in my blog reading. I don't have to work today. I'm taking the 5th wheel in for new tires. Oh yippee, yay! Den is working, so I'll be doing this alone. No biggie, except when I come home, back the behemoth in, I like him to put the cement blocks under the jacks. Guess I'll be doing that so I can drop the damn rig before picking him up from work tonight. Crap, I digressed again! WTF is new???

I have only read like 2 of NN's blogs....I just found out she's 50...cool. Someone my age I can relate to. Not that I don't relate to you young whipper snappers...don't get your panties or jock straps in a bunch...it's just nice to see someone older actually doing it.

OK so this is what she said.

"I learned that for every pound of weight I lose, it results in a 4-pound reduction in knee-joint load for each step I take! "

Wow....as you know, my job is one of physical labor. Damn hard physical labor if you're 51 and fat as hell. I take 2 Aleve before work and that keeps my shoulder and hands from crying out for death...but it doesn't touch the knee pain. I get home and sit and it's hard as hell getting back up. I go to bed and my knees just throb and I can't sleep. That really sucks! Not even being comfortable in bed.

So, if Ms. NN is correct, for every pound I lose, my knees will thank me a little more. I need thanks here folks!

See, you think you blog for yourself...to get YOU through YOUR journey...but you never know what you're going to write that will help someone else.

So, whoever of you reads Ms. NN, please tell her I poached her quote, and I'm getting to know her.

Peace be the journey

:-)

Day by day or year by year?

2010-06-23T11:15:00.003-04:00

Sometimes I plan ahead.

Sometimes I have to go day by day, or even minute by minute! I'm not at the plan ahead stage again yet. I liked it when I was there...I was in the groove...rocking the scene...you know, on top of things.

Weight loss, getting healthy, right now it's in the deprivation stage. I keep thinking of what I can't/shouldn't have. That shit has got to stop. So, today, I'm going to think of what I can do today. Not tomorrow, not next week, today, to get me toward my goal.

Deprivation makes for a crappy motivation. So, what can I do today to help eliminate that feeling you ask? Well, I have an answer!

I can make a list of all the food that I like to eat that isn't total shit for me. Isn't going to kill me off 10 years too soon. You know...kind of semi healthy fare that I will actually shove down my throat? Ya, that kind. If I have a list of stuff I like, that I can choose from, it won't seem like such a chore. It'll seem like I have a choice. That's how I roll....find what I like and treat myself!

So...here we go.

Salmon patties
Taco salad
vegetable soup
Cream of broccoli soup (evaporated skim milk is my friend!)
Roast beef, potatoes, carrots, fresh green beans (wow, comfort food that can be good for me!)
Creamy chicken curry
whole wheat pasta with homemade pasta sauce...TVP is my friend in this!
8 can soup
Fried fish- yes...toss the fillet in a bit of flour and corn meal and fry it in a teaspoon of healthy oil in my cast iron skillet. I then make a 'ho cake' to go with it and cole slaw. Ho cake is made with corn meal (healthy grain) and buttermilk. Yum.

These are just a few off the top of my head.

Keep in mind I really don't like veg. So, loading up my plate with steamed veg just isn't going to happen. You have a recipe where the veg is disguised? Bring it on! I can gag down a few roasted veg...but again, it's not my favorite and usually I end up leaving them on my plate and leave the meal hungry...not a good scenario.

What are some of your favorite meals? Help me add to my list!

:-)

Amazing Taco Salad

2010-06-22T10:20:00.002-04:00

Can I just say yum?

Dinner last night was actually amazing. A combination of healthy, and not so healthy as that's how I'm going to try to run my life for a while.

We make fabulous, scrummy, delicious, rich, creamy, did I say scrummy? Oh yes I did...well we make homemade ranch dressing at the restaurant that is slurrrrrpalicious. I brought home 2 small (OK not so small as they're 2oz cups so that's 4T)containers of the heavenly sludge. I drizzled a bit of one of them on my salad. A total improvement for me as last week I'd have used both containers on just my salad!

OK, so here's what I did. No pics...sorry but trust me, it looked fantabulous!

Ground chicken. Yep, 97% extra lean Butterball ground chicken. Ya, Wal-Mart quit selling Jennie-O...I liked the Extra Lean 99% FF...will find it somewhere later. This worked for last night. Ground chicken can be a bit bland as some of you know...but I'm trying to get away from eating red meat all the time. I'm trying to embrace the bird, ya know?

OK, so now, really, here's what I did.

Ground chicken (think it was 19.5 oz)
1 perfect unblemished jalapeno pepper (meticulously diced into teeny, tiny, perfect little square pieces)
4 cloves of garlic - peeled and diced this . size. This * size if you're feeling spicy.
1/2 red bell pepper- diced into pea sized pieces.
1/4 cup Taco seasoning mix
1 Vadalia onion, diced however you like your onion diced. I like mine small.

I put a bit of safflower oil into the sauce pan. Yes, I use a 3 quart saucepan when browning ground meat. Keeps the splatter down and is perfect for adding the rest of the junk to the ground meat without overflowing the frying pan.

To the hot oil I added the onion and stirred. Looked at it a while, inhaled the gorgeous vapor. Poked at it with my favorite wooden spoon. I like to poke.

I now added the red pepper. More inhaling and poking.

Now add the garlic and jalapeno. Careful inhaling must now ensue. Don't ask how I know this.

After the chicken loses it's pinkness, and the onion, garlic, pepper, and jalapeno have permeated the meat, add the taco seasoning mix and about 1/2 cup of water. Poke it around a bit more with the spoon and cover and turn heat to low.

Move on to the taco chips. I picked up my favorite low fat whole wheat tortillas. Read the ingredient package past the whole grain part and holy shit they had hydrogenated oil!!!! You have freaking got to be kidding me! I then picked up the low carb Mission....the list of ingredients were long and scary. Not really even sure it was whole grain. I then picked up a package of corn tortillas. Whole ground corn and 2 other ingredients. Ah, ya. Let's have those! I heated safflower oil in the pan, sliced the tortillas into strips and fried the daylights out of them. Yep, I fried. Next time I want to slice them, toss them in a bowl with 1 teaspoon of oil and bake them in the oven. Hey, I'm learning! After they were golden and crispy, I turned them out onto paper towel and hit them with salt. I did measure the oil in the pan before and after and there was only 2 teaspoons missing and some of that was left on the paper towels. Not too bad, but not how I'll do it next time even if it is a healthy oil.

Let's move on the the accouterments shall we?

Lettuce - I like mine shredded small
Tomatoes- diced small of course
Vadalia onions- you know the drill
Avocado- yum!
Cheese if you need it. I find that the strong flavors of everything else drowns out the cheese anyway so I usually prefer to skip it. Last night I diced up (ya I know, I have a dicing fetish!) up about an ounce of 2% Velveeta. It was totally YUM!

I took a large dinner plate (yep, I usually eat on a lunch plate. Screw that last night!) and I put a small serving of the meat. Smelled and looked fabulous. On top of the hot meat, I put the little diced Velveeta. Got all melty and yummy. Now the onions...a buffer between the hot and cold stuff you know? Now the lettuce and then the avocado and tomato. Looked like a pretty little rainbow! I then drizzled some of my ranch dressing over it and then some chips. HOLY SHIT IT WAS FABULOUS! In place of ranch dressing I usually mix fat free sour cream with taco sauce or salsa...didn't want to do that last night.

So, dinner had veg. Yay!
Dinner had lean meat. Yay!
Dinner had crunch. Double Yay!
Dinner had flavor. Triple Yay!
Dinner would have had beans had I remembered to soak and cook any. Oops!

Just had to share.

Chef's note: Do NOT rub any private, tender part with your hands after meticulously dicing jalapeno peppers. Either yours, or those of anyone else.

:-)

Deep water

2010-06-21T06:07:00.002-04:00

I'm going to shamelessly steal a quote from my dear friend Daphne's blog today.

I'm not going to wade in gently, I'm going to jump in with both feet. Here is the quote.

"but I need to get rid of all those fears that are in my head and not real, so that I can concentrate on looking out for any real dangers that there might be"

D is preparing for a small swim. OK, not so small. She's preparing for THE Great North Swim. Holy shit people, she's going to put on a wet suit, jump into freaking freezing water, and oh yes, swim a mile. Doesn't sound like much? Try it. I dare you. I can't tell you how proud of her I am. She's my age, although much fitter than I, and going to do this. I had planned on being there, and I'm upset to no end that I won't be able to see her finish. My friend Silverback will video it and take a squagillion pictures though, so I'll at least get to see those.

Her quote was in a blog about her first swim in open water with her new wetsuit, and the fears that ensued. Since I have NO intention of stuffing this fat ass into a wetsuit anytime soon, what the hell does her swimming have to do with me? Sometimes I read things, and oops, they just happen to apply to my life in a different context.

I'll let you in on a little secret folks. I'm lazy. Yep, that's right. Lazy as an old dog in the summer heat. Now that I think about it, scared too. I'm scared that I'll fail at things so I quit. I don't like to be labeled a quitter, and it's a quality that I sure discouraged when raising my sons. With them, if they started something, they had to finish it. You want to play football? That's just fine, but if, two weeks in, you don't like it? Tough shit. You finish the season. You commit to something, you finish. They always did. In fact, they still do. It's so much easier to say 'do as I say and not as I do'.

Is my weight loss journey at yet another road block because I'm scared? Wow. Deep. So deep, it bears asking again.

Is my weight loss journey at yet another road block because I'm scared?

Do I need to learn that fear won't kill me?

Do I need to learn to master the fear? Embrace it? Then, and only then conquering it?

Do I, for once in my life, need to suck it up and do something difficult? Change my evil ways? Break my bad habits one by one?

Holy shit I think I do.

It's OK to be scared. It really is. Being scared won't kill me. Eating uncontrollably WILL kill me.

I wanted to walk a 5K earlier in the year. I didn't do it. I used the excuse of my physical problems to get me out of it. That was BS. I was afraid I couldn't do it. I was afraid people would laugh. I was afraid I'd be dead last. Oh yes, people, when I play, I play to win. Always.

Maybe it's not all about winning. Maybe it's about enjoying the race. Maybe it's about feeling accomplishment in the small things.

Today I will embrace my fears. Let them wash over me. Realize they aren't going to engulf me. Take a deep breath and find a way to push through.

Today I will enjoy the race.

:-)

Is how you diet how you run your life?

2010-06-19T07:50:00.003-04:00

So, I'm sitting here quite overwhelmed. Thinking. Yes, I know that can be dangerous.

I'm sure by now you all know we're selling up and moving. Not to the hills, far from it. Florida is where I wanna be. Buttonwood Bay to be exact. I was going to put a link to the park there, but actually the link pretty much sucks. It used to list a VERY impressive list of activities, but that seems to be missing now.

So, anyway, where was I? Oh yes, overwhelmed. See, we've lived in this house for 23 years. Am I sad to be leaving it? Leaving the home my children grew up in? Leaving memories? Hell no. My memories are just that. Memories. Selling a physical house can't take them away. Did we have good times here? You bet your ass. Will selling the house take that away? Nope. Do I have any angst at all about selling my home? Nope, none, nada, zip. Why? It's not my home anymore. Buttonwood Bay is my home now. It's where my heart is. So why am I overwhelmed?

WEREN'T YOU LISTENING????? 23 YEARS PEOPLE...23 YEARS OF SHIT ACCUMULATED IN EVERY ROOM! You do realize we live in a home the freakin Duggar's would want??? No? Oh DO let me elaborate. You can see some of it here. Although, for some reason, she's left rooms out. Go ahead, have a look, I'll wait. OK, back? Good. Yes, you saw right. Six bedrooms, 3 bathrooms, and a 3 car garage. Oh, and of course, the attached apartment! Don't forget that. So, while working part time (Thank God it's not full time or I'd have a heart attack for sure), I'm trying to go through 11 rooms, 3 bathrooms, 12 closets, 3 bays of a garage, oh yes, and a freakin shed too, and decide what we want to take with us, what we want to sell, what we want to offload on the boys, and what we can give friends. All the while, trying to keep it clean and nice in case someone wants to view it!!!

So, this brings me back to my topic. Bet you thought I forgot eh? Nope, I didn't!

I've realized in my packing/cleaning that I do it willy nilly. Do I go into one room and work in there until it's done? Um no, not so much. Let me give you a glimpse into yesterday.

We had to be at the bank at 9am so came home right after that and had coffee and then got started. Den had to work at 11 and I had the day off. So, I had a whole day to do things and not worry about tiring myself out before work. I stood back to survey my Princessdom and this is what I saw.

My bedroom is quite a little mess as we sold the bed. I've got 2 boxes in there partially packed. Den has hauled everything out of the closet in there as that is his closet. So, the floor and the top of the only dresser and the top of the cedar chest are covered with stuff. The floor needs mopping in there and the windows washed.

The main bathroom is a disgusting pit. The floor is filthy, the shower doors still cloudy after repeated scrubbing. The vent fan is full of dust and the mirrored lights above the huge, oval, (toothpaste splattered) mirrored medicine chest, are filthy. The shower head is catty wampus so it's sending a spray of water all over.

The dining room now holds a 12 foot long industrial buffet table as we sold the dining room table and chairs. That table is covered with 2 HUGE notebooks that I did for two of the boys graduations, all the Cd's from my 300 CD changer, two briefcases that I wanted to sort through, and of course, various other shit. There's also a secretary's desk in there that is packed full. Thank goodness that has a roll top! Oh yes, an oak cabinet holding the rest of my Grandmother's Noritake china. Rest of it you say? Yep, I packed some of it. Did I pack it all? Nope.

Anyway, you get the drift. Every single room needs attention. So, it would make sense to go into one room and just do it. Stay in there until it's finished. Yesterday I went into the bathroom with every intention of completing that. I fixed the shower. Got the ladder, the robo grips, the Teflon tape, and got that all fixed. Did I stay in there and finish? Nope. Went out and took care of the Cd's on the table instead as I want that looking nice. Did I finish that? Nope, went back into the bathroom and vacuumed the vent fan and cleaned the mirrored lights. Did I stay in there and finish that? Nope, went back to the dining room. Took one of those HUGE notebooks and photographed each page and d/l them to my computer to make sure it worked. Yep, it did. Now I can give those books to the boys, but still have them for myself. Did I do the other book? Nope. Went back into the bathroom and scrubbed some more stuff....so I'm sure you're getting the drift here. I worked all day long and totally finished NOTHING. NOTHING!!!!

So, on to my diet now. I should pick one thing that I'm lacking in, and stick with fixing that until it's fixed and then move on. Yes, I think that's a fabulous idea.

So, today, my goals right out there for all of you to view.

1. Pick one room and 100% complete it. Yes, it is fair to pick a room that I've started in. I need to finish something today before work. I have to. For my sanity.

2. Pick one aspect of my diet and work on that today. Keep working on that one aspect until I get it down pat, then move on.

If I'm not going to jump back on the diet bandwagon full force, I need to at least step up on the freakin step. I'll keep gaining weight if not. Even staying the same would be an improvement right now. Hold my ground, and then start the battle again, one bad habit at a time.

Today, I pick fruit and veg. I've not had either for months. Yes, you heard right. Months.

Today, my friends(especially TJ that is the veggie queen!), I promise to eat 5, yes 5, fruit and veg. No, today, juice doesn't count. I could ease in, but I'm not going to. I'm going to jump in with both feet and commit to that goal.

Hold me to it. I need help. I can't afford to go back to my beloved Weight Watchers, so you guys need to be my support team. Yep, I'm needy. I am an independant woman, but I can't do this alone. I've tried, God knows I've tried. I've failed too. Don't leave me hangin peeps.

Holy shit I feel energized already. I feel like I can do this. Hmmmm someone must be sending me positive vibes already! Keep 'em comin!

:-)

Are you responsible?

2010-06-08T23:05:00.002-04:00

I am.

When I was little, my mom was sick. As long as I can remember, I had to do all the housework. From the time I was about 10, I did all the cooking and cleaning. As soon as I could drive, I also did the grocery shopping. I remember my Aunt getting very angry with my mom. Telling her I was a kid, I shouldn't have to be responsible for all that. If I didn't do it, who would? My mom couldn't, so I did. Did I resent my mom? Probably. Don't most teens at one time or another? Mom died when I was 23 and pregnant for my 3rd son. I took care of her the best I could. I was responsible.

I married at 19. We were poor as church mice. My hubby provided. He worked, brought home the proverbial bacon. He was, nor is not now, a handy man. If something needed fixing, we had to pay someone else to fix it. I started learning things. We moved into a new home when I was pregnant for our first child. The house needed work. We had no money. Den couldn't do it. So I did it. I learned to do a bit of electrical work. I learned if I wanted a book shelf, I could build one. I learned if I wanted an updated kitchen, it would require me, 2 girl friends, a bucket of paint, a steam iron (don't even ask about that!) and a whole lot of alcohol. I was responsible.

We moved into our present house in 1987. I was 28 years old. It had 5 bedrooms at the time and one phone jack. In the kitchen. Our home was 90 foot long, so if you were at one end, and the phone rang at the other, you just didn't hear it. The phone company wanted a ton of money to run wire and jacks to other rooms. I missed the call my father made to ask me to drive him to the hospital as he thought he might be having a heart attack. He drove himself. He was indeed having an attack. We needed more phone lines. I thought briefly about calling the phone company and having them come out. Screw that. I learned it was easy to do it. I bought myself a 2 foot long drill bit and went to work. Oh ya baby...we had phone jacks in every room of this house, including the bathrooms. We got cable...they felt the same way about extra hook ups in extra rooms as the phone company did. Plus, they wanted to charge you per hook up each month. Screw that. I learned how to run cable, use splitters, strip wire and clamp on ends. Coaxial that Charter. I ran cable to all 5 bedrooms, the bathroom, the basement, and out to the garage, just because I could! We wanted that stuff, couldn't afford it, so I figured out a way to get it. I was responsible.

I did all the bills, taxes, shopping, planning, running kids, scheduling appointments, home repair, cleaning, you name it I did it. I was responsible.

My Dad moved in with us. We had some fun years. Then he got sick in about 2004 I think. He used to tell me that if he ever got sick, he wanted me to put him in a nursing home. I told him nah, I'd take care of him...unless he needed his diaper changed...then his ass was going in the home so fast it would make his head spin. We'd laugh. We laughed a lot. We even laughed when I was changing his diaper. No nursing home for my Dad. I took care of him. I held him. I changed his diaper. He hung on. I told him to let go. Go to Mom. I told him he didn't need to take care of me anymore. I just felt that was what he was fighting to stay here for. He wanted to take care of me. It was my turn now though. I pulled the couch right up next to his hospital bed (it was right there in his room here in our house) and held his hand and talked for hours. I'd say 'remember this?' and launch into stories of old. He'd stir now and then, a smile would flicker on his face, his hand would tighten in mine. I know in my heart he heard. I know in my heart that when I told him I was OK, and he could go, that's what finally convinced him to go. I was responsible.

Fast forward to now. My fingers don't work. My knees don't work. My shoulders don't work. I've gained a ton of weight in the last few months. My clothes don't fit. I'm not happy. I feel the fat jiggle when I walk. I feel the pain when I walk and move. Pain that could be reduced if I got some of this flab off. I'm working this summer not because I want to, but because with our financial situation right now, I have to. It's killing me. I come home from work and everything hurts so bad I can't get up after I sit down. I go to bed and everything just throbs and I can't sleep. My knees feel like knives are stabbing in and out. My thumbs feel like someone is shoving white hot needles in them. My shoulders...well they just frigging hurt. Why, if I have been responsible since I was a young Pixie, can't I get my act together to be responsible enough to start a healthy program? Why is it, I seem to be able to be responsible for everyone else in my life except myself? I really wish I had the answer. Maybe I want someone to take care of me now. This is something nobody can do for me though...I have to do it myself. I have to be responsible.

I read a book a long time ago by Bob Green I believe his name was....someone working with Oprah anyway. He said that there is a psychological reason if you're fat. You have to figure out what that is before you an lose weight. I thought it was BS. I'm fat because I like to eat. Well yes, that's true. I do love to eat. I love everything about food. I love the taste, the smell. I love the feel of food in my mouth. I love the feeling of food in my stomach. I love it all. BUT...(yes I do know you're never supposed to begin a sentence with a preposition), why, if I know eating like I am is killing me, don't I stop? It's more than just eating because I like the taste of food. So, maybe it's not all BS.

I'll figure it out. I always do. I'm responsible.

:-)

Not dead

2010-06-05T14:38:00.003-04:00

Honest.

Got home a week ago Tuesday. DIL #2 came Wednesday and son came Thursday. Son and DIL #1 came Friday and left Monday. Worked their asses off while they were here! I've started working at the restaurant also...oh yes and have had the Realtors here checking out our house.

We list tomorrow at noon.

I have been thinking of all of you. I will be back. Things will calm down. After tomorrow I think.

Unpacking, packing, sorting for a garage sale, trying to get things clean and in order...mowing grass that hasn't seen a blade since last fall, weeding, mulching, pruning, cleaning, you name it I'm doing it!

Keep watching.

I'll be back.

:-)

The line is drawn in the sand

2010-05-27T05:50:00.002-04:00

What line?

The line that I've been on this side of for months and months now. The line behind which I have felt it's OK to overeat. Nay, gorge is a better choice of words.

My fat wobbles when I walk. My cheeks bounce with movement. All 4 of them.

I had to buy bigger clothes.

They don't fit either.

I've never been one to say 'Monday' I'll start a diet.

I thought I'd try something new!

Monday peeps....stay tuned for the plan. Stay patient too. None of this 'oh start right now' crap. I want time to plan, to prepare my mind. Monday it is.

:-)

Because I'm a lazy lout

2010-05-21T07:21:00.003-04:00

My blog today isn't about weight loss.

It's about something that is near and dear to my heart. About something that might give you more insight into who I am. A part of me.

Because I'm lazy, instead of just copying and pasting my other blog here...I'll just put the little linky poo here and you can click on it and go read it over at my Pixie's Pondering blog.

I used to love blogging over there....ranting sometimes, lamenting sometimes...just typing what I was feeling. I got so wrapped up in my Weight Watchers blog, I just let that one slip by the wayside. It really is a window into me though...so I do want to try to express myself over there a bit more often!

:-)

The scale is broken!

2010-05-19T08:23:00.002-04:00

Just when I balled up enough to get on the damn thing...it's broken!

Yesterday morning found me naked, in my bathroom, tappy tappy, jump on....read 00.0 and didn't change! Did it 4 times. Finally noticed a broken wire on the rear right 'leg'. I'm going to borrow a precision screwdriver set today and take it apart and see if I can fix it. Ya, I'm actually handy like that!

If not, it will be next Wednesday morning in Michigan before I can weigh myself. There is a big scale at Publix, but they get upset when I shuck all my clothes off and hop on. Go figure.

It is in my mind though...that's a good thing right?

I'm eating regular meals, haven't snacked hardly at all.

Ice cream did fall into my shopping cart at Sweet Bay the other day though....damn I hate when that happens. I swear...it's like a kamikaze leap from the freezer to my cart! It's still unopened in my freezer....another good thing.

We leave here Sunday for our trip back to MI. Going 500 miles the first day, 500 the second, and 350 the last.

The thought of what I have to do this summer in MI is overwhelming. Takes my breath away actually...all while working full time! I tell myself to breathe...take it one room at a time...one garden outside at a time....and use the hell out of my son when I can bribe him to come to the lake! Hey, I took care of him for 18 years....his turn now!

Just checking in. Love, love, love, love, love, my new home here. Oh!!! Did I mention I love my new home here????

Over and out.

:-)

Just a TV show

2010-05-16T13:16:00.002-04:00

"The Biggest Loser"

Yep, it's just a TV show...but I really like it.

I know it gets a bad rap, and to be honest, there are things about the show I do not like. I don't like the extreme exercise they do. I don't like the huge chunks of weight they drop. I don't like the game play. AT ALL. I hate the 'voting someone off' part. I don't like that it's a game.

I love the rawness of the show. I have enjoyed the last 2 or 3 episodes more than any before as I've watched them all by myself. I was able to take it all in, respond emotionally the way I want without someone else watching me. I'm very emotional, but I don't like showing it. I listen to what some of them say and it's so me. I feel the pain. I feel the hurt. I've been there. I am there. I can identify with almost every one of them. Even the ones I don't like very much!

I listened last week to a number of them saying they were not happy. They smiled on the outside, but cried on the inside. I am so them. When someone makes a crack about my weight, a little bit of me dies. I just don't understand why people think it's OK. It's not OK to call the one legged woman at Wal-Mart 'Peg' and laugh, and it's not OK to make a crack about me just because I'm fat. I don't appreciate hearing 'tidal wave' when I'm about to enter the pool. I don't appreciate the comment 'better get in the food line before Debby', and I really don't appreciate hearing on the dance floor, 'oh wow, watch out that thing is swinging my way'. Fat people have feelings. At least I do. I'm tired of smiling and taking it. I won't do it again. If you make a comment about my weight, you better be prepared for the backlash. I'm sure you're not perfect. Would you like me to point out your imperfections? I didn't think so. Shut the fuck up then.

Back to the show. There is a young man on the show that I desperately wanted to be in the final 4. I wanted him to succeed. I wanted him to change his life. I didn't do it, but I want him to. I want him to go to college a thin man and have everything that goes with that status. It's no fun being the fat one...I want him to be the average one and start a new life while he can.

Would I go back to my very young (and I do mean VERY young. I was 5 years old in the 1st grade and I was fat then) age and lose the 10 pounds before it became 200+? No. Does this shock you? After me telling you the pain I feel about my obesity today? Let me explain. I wouldn't go back and change things because it would change who and what I am today. You can't change the past without changing the present. There are too many things about my life right now that I wouldn't be willing to give up...even for thinness.

There is nothing to prevent me from changing my future though.

I am learning a lot about myself this year. I plan on putting this knowledge to good use.

When you hurt me I cry real tears. Who knew?

Maybe I should quit covering them up with laughs. What if I cried when some adult made a nasty comment to me instead of laughing? Would they then realize how their juvenile comments cut? Yes, I think a bit of honesty is in order.

Look out world, I swear to tell the truth....

:-)

Welcome to my whirlwind

2010-05-15T22:25:00.002-04:00

OK, so been just a bit busy here.

Have I mentioned we got a new home here? Probably, but just in case. Here's what we've been doing.

We got the keys to our new home a week ago Friday. We moved boxes of things in between Den going to work and sleeping to go to work. He'd sleep, I'd bring boxes over.

Monday, before he went to work at 3, friends helped us bring our bed over and our chairs. While Den was at work I got the bedroom ready and we slept here for the first time. That night, after I was finished working for the day, I sat in my recliner and experienced pure peace and joy. It's just awesome here. Oh it needs work, but I love it.

So, still unpacking, of course. Getting the other house ready to sell and shut up for the summer. Been working our asses off!

Had a pot luck last night and a pool party today and guests over for cake and coffee this evening.

My son came on Tuesday and helped bring things over all day long. If it was heavy, he hefted it! We had friends over that night for our first official dinner in the new place. Awesome.

I've been going non stop from the time I get up until the time I go to bed.

Three little letters I thought I'd never type again... TOM. OMG, let us just sit here and ponder the implications of this shall we? I took my last birth control pill last June. Nothing since. When I had my yearly in August, doc ran blood tests. She figured I'd gone through menopause and didn't know it being on the pill and all. Tests came back post menopausal. That's it. Done with. Finis. Or so I thought. Holy crap does the magnitude of this even penetrate? I'm not a happy Pooh for sure!

I've not read any blogs....I miss that!

I haven't seen my favorite TV shows. I miss that too.

I've got a beautiful new home and have taken care of tons of stuff...one more week and we head back to MI! Hate to leave my new home, but when we come back, THIS will BE our new home. Not going back to MI next summer. Hope the house sells quickly!!!

Tomorrow is Sunday. We deserve a day of rest. Swimming pool here we come!

:-)

No time like the present!

2010-05-09T06:43:00.003-04:00

So, I got up at 4:30 this morning. WHO does that????

Not like I don't have anything on my mind or anything! Couple of houses and a 5th wheel and truck that HAVE to sell....nevermind...what's on my mind doesn't pertain really to this blog.

I gathered up all my magazines last week and stacked them on the table to sort them into date order. I'm a bit behind on reading them. I probably have at least 150 to read! Yes, my name is Debby and I have an addiction to magazines. Some go back a few years...I'd get them and there they sit. I love to read magazines, I just never do.

So, I was sitting here drinking my coffee and reading a magazine(yay!) this morn...after weighing myself and finding myself UP again. Yes, 228 this morning. What the hell kind of idiot am I? Ah well...a good one I guess! I was reading "Shape" magazine....lots of tips for eating and exercise. Ya, if I'm not going to DO it I might as well read about it eh?

Of course it talked about tracking and planning and and and. I know the drill. I've been there and done that, just like a lot of you. So, what the hell am I waiting for??? Not a damn thing.

I decided that I can track without changing one little thing. I don't have to quit eating the 58 cookies, I just have to write it down when I do it. Ya, I can do that. So, I got out the WW tracker book as that would be perfect...little lines and everything you know?

I was holding that little book and of course there are boxes for fruit/veg, milk, oil, water, etc....hmmmmmm maybe I could plan my food ahead, and TRY to get that stuff in? Why not...I mean it doesn't mean I have to give anything up, if anything, it's adding things. Adding is good.

My great friend Ian, at risk of life and limb, made a suggestion to me the other day. It might surprise you to find I do NOT take criticism well. I don't take it at all in fact. I get all embarrassed and pissed off at the same time. THAT pisses me off as we should all be able to take constructive criticism for goodness sakes! I usually consider myself far above the hander outer of the criticism also. If you're going to give me diet tips, pffft I know more than you. If you want to talk to me about cooking, stuff it, I definitely know more than you. How to play a game? Hell I wrote the rules...catching the drift here? I'm a stubborn old bitch plain and simple. I don't mind suggestions when they come in conversation...just hate when someone says YOU NEED TO DO THIS! Most of the time I know I should be doing THIS, I just f'ing don't want to! Crap, I digressed....AGAIN!

So, Ian says....'maybe you should plan times to eat'. Sounds simple eh? Now, Ian lives here 6 months of the year. He sees exactly how I eat, what I eat, and also, what I don't eat. He knows that I love my life of doing things spur of the moment. Want to play golf? Sure, let's go. Oh, shall we go to the pool? Why, of course we shall! It's an awesome life, it really is. It's hell on my diet. Ian sees that. I'll sit here and play on the laptop and drink coffee for 2-3 hours in the morning and then it's ohhhhhh gotta get to Mah Jongg at 12:15....haven't had breakfast...shit. I'll just grab 3 cookies and a hunk of cheese and eat it on the golf cart. Get home from MJ at 3:30...freaking starving but it's too close to dinner to eat a lunch. I'll just have this bag of chips and a few more cookies...oh wouldn't a bowl of ice cream be nice as it's hot outside??? This fills me up for an hour or so...but damn, I have to be to cards at 5:30...no time to fix & eat dinner now. Get home from cards around 8:30 and I want to eat the paneling. Don't want to cook now of course, it's too late. I'll start with a bowl of cereal and that of course doesn't cut it...then just slowly move on to whatever is at hand. Yes, Ian sees, and he had a solution. Plan times to eat.

If I plan my day around what I like to do, how hard could it be to plan times to eat also. If I KNOW I'm going to go to Mah Jongg at 12:15, then I NEED to eat lunch by 11:30. Simple? Sure. If I NEED to eat lunch at 11:30, then I should have breakfast before that. Wow, what a concept!!! I think he's on to something!!! I could actually do this...yes, I could.

So, today, no time like the present you know, I have decided to take the bull by the horns. No, Ian is safe, I'm the bull. Bull headed and stubborn and that has to change.

I worked all day yesterday in the new house. I prepared my first meal there, and ate it. It even had a veg in it! I'm going to have a plan for today as it's working over there again...all day, all by myself. This is Den's long work day. He gets home at 8am and goes right to bed as he has to be back to work at 3pm. So, I'm on my own today.

I got up at 4:30 and by 6 I had a plan. I'm going to do it today. I'm not thinking about tomorrow until tomorrow. Today I can do this.

Breakfast 6:30am. Hard boiled egg, whole wheat toast, apple. I had it. I don't like apples. I ate it anyway. I can't get fruit and veg in unless I actually eat it. Doh.

Mass...we leave at 9am. My excellent friend Mary K. and I go together each Sunday. I love this time with her. It's nice to be able to share your faith with someone. She keeps me grounded. She also has some great ideas. We're going to the store after Mass so we won't get home until about 11:30....that egg and toast isn't going to keep me satisfied from 6:30 until noon when I've planned lunch...so I planned to have a yogurt and almonds at 8:30...top off the tank, you know? So, here's my plan for today. I'll let you know how it worked out for me.

6:30 breakfast of toast, egg, apple. Done.
8:30 yogurt and almonds
9am, leave for mass
11:30 return from Mass
12:00 eat lunch. Salad with chicken breast, dried cherries, lettuce, red peppers, cukes, carrots, almonds, and some kind of red, low fat dressing I'll get at the store.
1:00 start working at the house
4:00 grapes
6:45 quit working!!
7:00 hamburger pot pie, cottage cheese, cucumbers and onions in vinegar.
8:00 watch Amazing Race.
9:00 whole wheat toast, peanut butter, milk.

That's my plan for today and I'm sticking with it.

:-)

Why do we do the things we do?

2010-05-07T06:29:00.002-04:00

Catchy title for a song don't you think?

I've been thinking a lot lately about why I do things. My friend Mary wrote a blog that is making me think more. I'm going to quote her here.

Sometimes I feel that in taking charge, I have finally woken up to MY life.
I could go on and think, "What was I doing before this?" but then I am grateful and happy that I am taking charge now. And that is all that really matters.

Wow. I thought that was heavy.

Why you might ask? It might just be a simple statement to you, but it has opened up a whole bunch of thoughts for me.

Let's take a little trip into my brain shall we? I know, it's scary. Buckle up Buttercup, it's going to be the ride of your life! No, not really...but let's begin shall we?

Let's go back to the beginning of my weight loss.

I was, as I've said, the fattest person in all my schools. Maybe even college...most probably.

I left college after the first semester of my second year and got married. I've never regretted that for one minute. I've never thought 'oh I should have finished'. I've never felt uncompleted. I was 19 years old when I got married and it's really all I ever wanted in life. I wanted to be a wife and mother. Ya, I know, not the typical feminist of the 70's!

I married a man that loved me as I was. I don't know what I weighed that day in 1978 when I got married, I do know it was a lot. We married in April and I got pregnant in August. Yes, we did it the right way round. So many people figure I got married at 19 because I 'had to'. During that pregnancy, I got too fat to be weighed on the doctors scale. Imagine that...too fat for the doctors scale. It 'only' went to 300 pounds. They were cruel about it too. Did that help? Nope. I dieted in between kids of course, gaining more and not losing. Three babies later, fast forward 13 years or so, and I weigh 368 pounds.

I have huge admiration for people that weigh huge amounts like that and just decide to diet and exercise and lose the weight. Unless you have over 200 pounds to lose, you can't know how insurmountable that seems.

I wasn't one of those people. I chose to have my stomach stapled. Not the gastric bypass of today, old fashioned, staple half your stomach off with 3 rows of metal staples, stapled.

I lost 4o pounds the first month and thought I was on my way to my new life. I started gaining right after that. 5 pounds one week, 5 pounds the next, 5 the week after. Within just a few months, that 40 pounds I lost was back, with some friends.

I went on to lose 170 pounds with Weight Watchers. I did not lose 170 pounds because of having my stomach stapled. That failed.

Here comes the thinking, the window into my brain if you will. I was laying in bed this morning and the thought occurred to me that since people have never believed that the stomach stapling didn't work for me, perhaps I keep gaining weight is to show them. Talk about heavy.

One more thought, and then that's enough for today. My brain hurts.

I am defined by my weight loss. When I go to a Weight Watchers meeting, the leader will inevitably ask me to share with the class how much I've lost. That was who I was in the past. It's not who I am now. Now I'm struggling.

I think I use the 'I lost X amount of pounds' as a crutch. I've gained 30 pounds in the last few months, BUT I've lost (frick now I have to do math in my head here!!!) 140 pounds. It sounds a lot better to say I've lost 140 pounds than to say I've gained 30. I love the support I get at the WW meetings....I really need/want to go back but I just can't afford it. I've always wanted to get back so I could be the 'I've lost X amount of pounds' girl. I don't want that anymore. I don't need the crutch of losing all that to lose the rest. I want to be the 'I need to lose 30 pounds' girl. I want to be cheered if I lose 1/2 a pound. See, right now, no matter what I lose it's no big deal. I mean I've already lost 140. No! That's not fair! I struggle to lose 1/2 a pound. I deserve the adoration.

I just want to be one of the gang. I don't need to dwell on, as Mary said, what I was doing before this.

Before this is the past. I can't do anything about the past.

The future is mine. I can choose to change my future and not relive my past.

The choice is mine.

It is yours too.

:-)

I have something on my mind

2010-05-06T07:49:00.003-04:00

It's not Georgia! It's sure not weight loss. It will be. I'm too fat for most of my clothes so I shall be getting back in the saddle. Right now, it's pretty much the last thing on my mind! Let's shoot for next week OK? Call the stagecoach and ask them to stop by for me then.

OK, so there seems to be a tornado whipping through the Pixiers mind right now. Por quoi you might ask? Probably not...more likely you're saying 'what now?'!

Oh do let me share.

We bought a new home here. Yep, those of you that know I love my life here in my sunny winter home of Buttonwood Bay, will be thrilled for me. Those of you that don't, I'll give you a minute to absorb the enormity of this announcement (Tapping foot, rolling eyes toward ceiling, picking God knows what out of my fingernails). There, got it? Good.

I was going to put a link to the Buttonwood Bay site here for you to click on, but I went there and it's pretty much crap. It used to have a list of all the activities and amenities but I couldn't find it this time and the photo tour was crap. So, let me just tell you a bit about it.

What I do on a weekly basis:
*swim almost daily in one of our two gorgeous pools. OK, so I don't swim, I float on my noodle and chat with a myriad of friendly people. I'm a social butterfly, or a pontificating(I'm really not usually pompous, I just was going for alliteration!) pixie if you wish. Chatting is what I do best.

*I go for daily golf cart rides. Yawn you say? Never. I love riding up and down the streets and looking at all the lovely landscaping people have. Flowers that would fit right in a rain forest, and you never know what people will have in their yards. We have a nature trail and a cart path that I love traveling daily. The cart path goes next to the canal and we always see turtles and gators and birds. The nature trail is shaded and almost prehistoric looking. BIG honking foliage. There is a gator that lives in the swampy area in there too in the summer...he's a big un. I don't drive myself. Either Den or Ian drives me and I feel like a princess. I often just close my eyes and raise my face to the sun and soak up the feeling and scent of what I love best. I'm tearing up just thinking about how much I love my cart rides.

*Monday morning bright and early is coffee hour. Oh yes, we must have coffee and a donut while we find out all the news and what's going on in the park for the coming week. During the winter we have guest speakers that sometimes are full of information, and sometimes a snore. Hey, we get a free donut...snore on! When I'm being good, I take a Fiber One bar to coffee hour. When I'm bad, I'm very bad.

*We have bocce ball, shuffle board, horseshoes and baseball here. We have line dancing, ballroom dancing, clogging, square dancing, and heaven only knows what other kind of dancing as I've never made it to those classes yet!

*We have Tia chi, floor exercises, water aerobics (two classes every day 6 days a week if you please!!!) and a walking club.

*There are golf leagues and bowling leagues, neither of which I do. I adore golf. I suck at it, so I only go with friends. VERY good friends that don't mind when my ball only goes 10 feet. I hit straight as an arrow usually but have no distance. I can usually putt good though! We're golfing today in fact.

*Cards and other activities? You name it, we have it. Full stop. There isn't a card game we don't have here. I play bid euchre Monday night, euchre Tuesday night, hand and foot Wednesday night, bid euchre again Thursday night and bunco on Friday night. Saturday brings game night and Sunday pokeno. So, yes, every single night I do something. What happens if I get sick of those games? Well, as I said they have every other game going on at the same time. I can change to pinochle, or bridge, or or or! Bingo too...Monday and Thursday. I forgot about that. I'm working bingo next season on Thursday night...right now I'm working it Monday night so I miss my cards then.

*We have a theater group which I'm VERY active in. I've got one of the leads in next season's production in fact. I'm also the secretary! Book clubs, computer clubs, craft and knitting clubs. There's a stained glass studio and a woodshop.

*There is Mah Jongg. My all time favorite game to play. Every single Wednesday and Friday afternoon. More if just some of us get together to 'crack the bam dots' as my friend Clair says!

I know there is so much more. What I love most are my friends here. I know I've said it before, but I never thought you could make such good friends this 'late in life'. That's what I get for thinking. The magnitude and depth of the friendships I have formed are just too much to comprehend sometimes. I am so blessed. Let me say that again. I am so blessed.

So, right now, we're living in an under 400 sq foot place. Yes, three of us. Crowded? You bet. Still love it...but I wanted room for my family to come visit. My brother wanted to stop by and spend a few days on his way to FL last season, but it was cold and we had no heat on the porch where he had to stay and it just wasn't possible. Hell, we had no heat in the house either! This house is over 1500 sq ft. We'll have room for friends to visit (right now they can't as we only have 3 chairs and we're in them!). We'll have a table to eat at (again, we don't have one...no room!). I'll have a kitchen I can move in...oh I'm just so excited I can barely breath. We get the new place Wednesday..yes, buying places in here is like buying a car and not a house, so it goes very quickly.

We now need to get everything out of this house and into that one. Must stay in boxes though until we get that one sorted out. did I mention that all the homes here come fully furnished? That means all the cupboards and drawers will be full. Oh yes, you never know what you will find. When we bought this house there was food in the cupboard and things in the fridge too! We then need to clean this one spic and span as it's on the market. Bring some of the furniture from over there to furnish this one (fully furnished remember?), and then close this up for the summer. We've only got 2 weeks!!! Did I mention that? Oh yes, move from one house into the other and get both ready to shut up for the summer? I'm pulling my hair out thinking of the enormity of this situation!

We'll get home to Michigan and oh yes, put that house up for sale and move everything from there here. Holy shit. I think I may have a stroke thinking about that!

We have to continue to pay rent on this place until it sells. I'm a bit concerned about that.

So, now do you see why I'm not thinking about the diet right now????

Well, Papa just got back from the store with a shitload of boxes. Guess it's time to start packing! I know this was long...but had to let my peeps know what's going on in my life. Pics to follow! This darn post got too long for pics!

:-)