I've staged a coup!

On fat!

Yep, that's right. Operation Fat Blaster has given me the drive to do what needs to be done.

I lost .6 at my WI last night. Not a lot, but a loss. It's given me the drive to push forward this week and try to lose a bit more.

People say we share too much on the Internet, put too much out there. Well, if we don't share, how can we maybe help someone else going through the same thing? I'm really glad others share, it helps me. It makes me feel I'm not alone. So, that being said...menopause sucks! It wreaks havoc on your weight loss. I can be perfectly 100% OP and gain. I've finally come to accept that. Apparently I'm post menopausal. That's what the blood test showed. That's cool of course as it happened and I never knew it! Here's the scoop ladies. If you're taking birth control pills you're chemically altered. You'll continue having TOM until you get off them. Did I know this? Ah no. Assumed when menopause hit, TOM would stop and then I'd know and quit taking the pill. Freaking doctors tell you nothing I swear! I threw my pills away in June to let nature take it's course. My new doc did a myriad of blood tests (not pregnant so that's cool!) and one of them was for menopause. It shows I'm post...done with...all over. Wow! How freaking cool is that? Of course, once I quit taking the pills, the hot flashes began. They suck too. Anyway, just in case there are other women out there preparing to go through the dreaded change...be prepared for weight instability. Don't let it upset you. Just go with the flow. It can't last forever, right?

Did I do all I could do this last week to lose more than .6? No. I didn't exercise. I ate 100% totally OP, but I didn't move my ass the way I could have or should have. I feel my .6 loss was a reprieve. I showed a gain on my scale even just before I left for the meeting. It was 'only' .2 gain, but it was a gain. I really breathed a sigh of relief when the scale at WW showed a loss. After reaching my HUGE milestone last week, I didn't want to regress. Operation Fat Blaster has me fired up! I'm going to do more this week. If my hormonal state lets me, I hope to show a loss again next week. Onwards and downwards! If I show a gain, I'll know in my heart there was nothing I could have done to prevent it. That's all I can do. I can do my best and nothing more. This week, I shall do my best!

I had a HUGE nsv yesterday. As you know, when I got home from FL in May, my size 18's were tight. Here's a recap. Last spring I was in size 14's. I started working at Buccilli's and started eating...and eating...and eating. I had to move to the size 16's. They got tight. When I left for FL in the fall, my size 16's were so tight I couldn't sit in the truck in them comfortably. Hell, I could barely get them on! I bought a pair of size 18's for the trip. I fully intended to get rid of them the minute I hit FL and get back on the wagon. That didn't happen. I continued to eat and plump. It wasn't until January, after gaining 34.8 pounds since May, that I finally put the skids on. I came home from FL in May this year still in my size 18's! They fit better though. It was a huge pleasure to get back into my size 16's here a month ago or so. I immediately, no, IMMEDIATELY, got rid of the size 18's. I gave them to a lady at my WW meeting. NO way this fat ass is ever getting back into that size again. Nope, never, not going to happen. So, my size 16's felt loose the other night while out shopping. Yesterday, I thought hmmm for a lark, let's just see if we can skinny into the size 14's. You know, see how much farther we need to go to button those babies. They slid on with ease, they zipped, they buttoned, and....THEY FELT AWESOME! Not tight, just right! I wore them to my meeting and it's an hour away. Total comfort in the truck the whole time. I tell ya, I'm flyin on cloud 9 here...hell I might even be on cloud 10!!! I fully intend to be able to give away the size 16's before we leave for FL in 5 weeks. That's another goal of mine.

Damn the goals keep piling up. Giving me something new to shoot for. Giving me motivation and drive. Just what this puffed up Pixie needed!

Bring on the size 12's as I've NEVER EVER EVER EVER been in that size in my whole fat life! Remember, I've been fat since I was 5. I'm easily 100 pounds lighter now than I was in high school. I have NO idea what size I wore in high school, but at 200+ pounds, it sure the hell wasn't a size 12. The day I put those on in the dressing room, you'll hear the shout. Not a doubt in my mind. Oh ya, I freakin can't wait!!!

Get the hell out of my way cuz I'm on a roll!

:-)

Looking forward to my pillow tonight!

Man I'm tired. No reason really, I just am. I watched my grandson Mason today & he was an angel. If I walked as much as he did, I'd be a size 0. His stubby little legs were all over the place!!

My post tonight is a cheater post. I'm trying to find blogs that I think my gorgeous daughter in law might like. She's just started a blog and is on this weight loss journey with the rest of us. I've given her links to a few of my favorites, but face it guys, most of us are older! Do any of you read blogs by younger people? People with kids, soon to have kids, want to buy a kid or anything? If you do, could ya leave the address in a comment here?

I don't know how those of you staying home with young children do the diet scene. Watching my grandson today, I wanted to snarf the food off his high chair tray! He had peach yogurt....the real kind. No artifical sweetners or shit. Awesome cheese slices....Grandma loves those! Animal crackers....just really good stuff. I wasn't hungry when I fed him, but he was eating so I thought I should too! Not only that, he ran my ass ragged! We were all over that back yard. I pulled him in the wagon, snuggled him on my lap, etc. I was tired, that means I want to eat. He was so cute, I was happy, that means I want to eat! How the hell do you young people do it???

I can't even imagine the planning having young children and trying to diet would take. I only watched Mason until 6PM. I realized I'd not even thought of fixing dinner. Who had the time?

I'm off to bed.

:-)

Dieting, Death, and Bits of This and That

My mind is a scary place sometimes. OK, most of the time.

We've had a death in the family. I got the news yesterday morning and the viewing was yesterday and the funeral today. I of course had to work both days. I finally figured out if they would let me leave work a bit early, I could drive the 2 hours to the funeral home and have time to pay my respects. The second I figured this out, I immediately thought 'Oh funeral, free food day'. No diet for me today! Thank God I bitch slapped myself into submission.

Why on earth is it, that any time there's any variance from the norm, I think it's my God given right to eat everything in sight? Why the heck would I associate a funeral with binge eating??? Told ya, mind, scary.

I don't go into work until noon so I had time to pack a lunch for the road. Grapes, carrot sticks, fiber one bar, etc. I also made sure to leave enough points in case I wanted to stop for dinner somewhere. I feel good that I was able to reel myself in. It's a new experience for me for sure. I was in total, 100% control. I looked awesome too by the way! Slacks, low cut blouse, opals, cute little high heels. Yep, I was the bomb!

My work pants are getting loose, almost baggy. You remember the ones? The ones that were so tight when I started work in May I was afraid to breathe? The ones that I didn't want to wash as I thought I'd not be able to zip them up again? Yepper, those! Freaking awesome.

I actually enjoyed putting spinach in my spaghetti tonight. I'm enjoying putting healthy food in my body.

I'm having a hot flash right now. Told ya, bits of this and that.

:-)

Is it a bird? Is it a plane?

No! It's a falling star!

Yep, this old lady earned her #5 star last night. Oh you know the one....the one that allows me to say I LOST 180 POUNDS! Ya, that one! La di freakin dah! I'm doing the happy dance for sure.

It was a HUGE, moving moment for me. My meeting starts at 5:30PM in a town an hour away. They have Wednesday walk in hours from 2-5. The big man and I wanted to go to Sam's so I stopped and weighed in at 4. I wanted to have a diet coke at Sam's and didn't want that to show on the scale. I'd come back in time for the meeting. The only people in the place were the lady working and myself. I got on the scale praying for a loss. A small loss would have been fine as I was showing a gain Tuesday night still. I was chatting to the lady and I got up on the scale and I saw the digital read out. It said 187.8. A 3 pound loss!!! I closed my eyes, let out my breath, opened my eyes and it said the same thing. I got off the scale and then back on, still the same thing. She was busy doing paperwork and stuff and didn't notice my antics. She looked up to tell me I could get on the scale and I was standing as still as I could, afraid to breathe. She said 'got it'. I let out my breath and then began to cry. I was so glad nobody else was there. I think it made it more special.

I intended to share my victory at the meeting but I just couldn't. First of all, our regular leader wasn't there. I want my star from her. I want to see her excitement when she hears the news. My girlfriend who I got to join WW earned 2 stars last night. She was so excited as this made twenty pounds off for her. Couldn't catch her with a butterfly net! Another young girl reached lifetime. She's a college girl and she was just glowing! I just couldn't take their moment away from them. I didn't even want to. I'll share next week. Last night was their night.

I can keep it clutched to my chest for another week. My little secret. I told my good friend Ian that it's like not screaming on a roller coaster. Just makes it more fun when you get to the bottom. I'm grinning from ear to ear just typing this. I can think about it all week. I'll take my bookmark to collect that precious star. It's going to be so fun to share this at my meeting next week!!!

Operation Fat Buster tally:

One down, two to go!

I'm ready to see the number 184 on the scale now. 50% of my body weight will be gone at that point. Yes, I think reaching this elusive goal of 180 pounds off has given me the oomph to keep going. I don't feel it's a crap shoot anymore, I feel I'll actually achieve it.

C'mon 184, Mama needs a new pair of shoes!

:-)

Another goal

I have another goal to add to my Fatbuster challenge.

I want to be overweight.

You're all familiar with the dreaded BMI crap I'm sure. If not, here's a handy dandy site you can go to and get a depression all of your own!

So, now, in addition to getting my fat ass to weigh 188, allowing me to have reached my #180 off, and reaching #184 allowing me to have lost half my body weight, good grief I need to add a period here as this is the longest run on sentence in the history of run on sentences. Whew. So, now, in addition to all that, I want to not be obese anymore.

What will that take? Well, it'll take me getting to #174. I can do that. It might take me 10 years, but I can do that.

Also in the back of my mind is being 'normal'. What will that take?

A freakin miracle!

:-)

Push Me Pull Me

Remember that Dr. Seuss character? That's how I feel.

Good Lord will it ever get easier? Will it ever get second nature? Will it ever get where I'm not fighting myself every minute of every day? Do you have any idea how hard that is? Yes, some of you do.

Tomorrow is my weigh in day. Right now, my scale is showing me a gain. A big, fat, not deserved gain. I've been 100% OP this week....AGAIN.

Monday at work, V brought banana bars in again. You might remember that's what sent me on a 2 week binge earlier in the summer. I rounded the corner and there they were. Well, this time, I rounded the corner and there they were again. I made that FatBuster promise to not eat unplanned food at work. That helped. I swear to God I wanted to snarf that whole pan down and then lick the crumbs off. Not only that, Becky brought in no bake cookies. Those are my all time favorite cookie. Yep, even better than Oreo's. I fought myself the whole entire day. Oh go ahead, oh no don't. I want it, you can't have it. It's getting freaking old I'll tell you! Is there going to be a day I can see those things and pass them easily? I sure don't think so. I did pass them though and that's huge for me. It was an internal battle all day long and the big man was having the same fight within. He thanked me from keeping him from jumping the cliff. I can help him, but he can't really help me. Nobody can. You tell me I can't have something and that's the first thing I'm going to eat. I have to do it and I have to do it on my own.

We're camping again...our lovely little campground with the pool, jacuzzi, etc. We came Sunday and went to work from here on Monday. We're here now until Thursday morning bright and early. We'll pull the rig out and get home in time to drop it and shoot off to work.

We had a blow out on the way here. I was driving and BAM! Blew one of the dualies on the rig. Fuck me sideways. Pardon any of my readers that don't curse...but man that just sucked. Did we know it was a possibility? Yep. Knew the tires needed replacing. Were we going to replace them? Yep, after this trip! It's only 70 miles. I thought we'd be fine. Damn it all that's what I get for thinking. I hate stupidity, I really do. I hate it even more when it's my own. I lecture the kids about fixing things that need fixing or you'll just create a bigger, more costly problem. Then what do I do? Something stupid that's what. It cost us $115 to have some moron come and change my tire. It also blew off the trim on the side of the rig that will cost a few hundred to have replaced. All because of stupidity. I don't handle that well. So, we were sitting on the side of the road waiting for the tow truck. We were starving as we'd planned to eat lunch at the campground when we got there. Rig has on board Ruffles, Hershey bars, chocolate frosting, and I can't remember what else. The big man has a 'cheat' day on Wednesday, so those are his provisions. Oh my did I want all of it while sitting there. I fought myself tooth and nail. I got out of the truck and went into the rig and got out 2 bags of cherries and brought them back for us. I didn't eat the goodies, but I wanted them. A fight to the finish and I did win. I just don't want the fight anymore! I want this to be easy. I don't know how much longer I can hold myself back. I long for simplicity.

So, now, here I sit, scale showing me a gain, goodies on board, and I'm starving. Another day, another fight.

What oh what is it going to take to make things easier?

What do all of you do?

Am I truly the only one out there that has this internal battle nearly every, single day?

Black Sunday

In memory of Jen's mom, today is black.

Please keep her and her family in your prayers if you pray and thoughts if you don't.