I've lost my mind

If found. Please return!

I'm hoping it's menopause ruling my life these days and not dementia. I've lost all my marbles for sure. Hell I can't even find my marble bag. Good thing I'm female!

OK, so here's the skinny. I'm not.

That's right. I'm fat and I'm not jolly. I'm sitting here right now and I just feel fat. I can feel my fat jowls hanging down and my belly is just poofing out and uncomfortable. My clothes don't fit either. Gotta love that!

Thoughts. I didn't feel this fat when I weighed 25 pounds more a few years ago. Wonder why? Perhaps I was at 240 for so many years I was comfortable there. Perhaps I then got used to weighing around 200? I think so. I WAS of course fat at 200, but I didn't feel fat. Weird eh?

So, what am I going to do about it? I dunno.

I got my daily email from Jillian Michaels and I liked it. I shall ponder that. Pixies used to ponder you know. As I'm lazy, I'll cut and paste the email here. Share and share alike you know! All Jillian's crap is in bold blue.

First: Think long and hard about what you want. Make sure your goals are actually things you want to achieve, not what society dictates or what your family or friends want for you. Ultimately your life is yours and you must live it for yourself. I know you might be thinking that's selfish, but so what? Sometimes being a little selfish is a good thing, especially if it enables you to take care of yourself.

So, what do I want? I don't want to feel fat. That's it. Society surely doesn't dictate that it's OK to weigh 199, but that is what I want. For now. So, on number 1, check. My goal is something I want to achieve and screw the rest of the world.

Second: Remember, goals are not inflexible roadblocks meant to make you feel badly about yourself. If you don't accomplish a goal exactly on schedule, so what? You can't predict what life is going to throw your way — but you CAN choose the way you react to situations that come up. That is where your power lies. If you fall off the wagon, just get back on — no ifs, ands, or buts about it.

Ahhh the freaking proverbial wagon. I'm not on it, so can't fall off it. I must get back on it!!! I need to learn to react to situations. Yep, I may be old, but I sure still have shit to learn.

Third: We all have to be realistic when we set our goals. I'm 5 feet 2 inches, and I have a stocky build. I am never going to be a petite little waif, no matter how hard I work. I also want to make a difference in the world, but something tells me I probably don't stand a good chance of running for president. Instead, I set goals that are realistic and productive. I am 5 feet 2 and stocky, but I am going to be the most fit 5-feet-2 muscle chick I can. I might not be president, but I can teach people how to be healthier and happier through fitness.

I'm 51. I'm not over the hill by any means, but I'm too old to want to wear hot pants and mini skirts. Shit, they probably don't even have hot pants and mini skirts anymore! Date myself or what????? Nothing gags me more than to see an old lady trying to look young. Ian says 'mutton as lamb' and I've adopted that phrase on many an occasion. I wouldn't mind wearing something fitting and having an older man stop and say 'holy shit look at that handsome woman' though. Honestly I just don't want to be gross. I don't want to feel gross. That's it.

Make sense? The bottom line is that goals provide direction. They help bring a focus to our lives so that we can live our dreams — no matter how big or how small they may be.

So, I'm guessing I need some goals. Yep, again. I'm nothing if not persistent.

I've just booked another 7 day cruise. I couldn't eat on the last cruise as my gastroparysis was back. It's gone now again (as gaining 20 pounds in a few weeks would attest!!!), so I'm under no delusion that I shall lose weight on this cruise. We leave the 11th and will be back the 18th. I have a week before we go to do some thinking.

I don't want to give up. I don't want my friends to give up on me.

:-)

Dipping my toe in....

Brrrrr it's still too cold!

I'll be back soon.

Hope I don't drown.

:-)

Don't let the boat leave without you!

I'll start tomorrow. We've all said that how many times?

I know I have. Over and over and over. I'm doing it right now in fact, except it's not 'tomorrow', it's 'next week'.

The play is over. I was so busy with that, I said when it was over, I'd get back on program. Ya, so that didn't happen of course! Now it's Springfest here in Buttonwood Bay...so of course after that is over I'll get back on program. Springfest kicked off with a Strawberry social and ends with a Chile fest. Ya, this week isn't about eating at all! On the bright side, I have entered the chili cook off and that has veg in it right?

I keep reading the blogs of the people that 'got it'. Why don't I 'get it'? I won't quit trying, that's something, but I do want to get it.

I got this in an email this morning. It reminded me that if I don't get off my arse and do something, that freakin boat is going to sail without me.

I'd kinda like to be on it! I bet if you're not on it, you want to be also!



:-)

Real courage

Real courage is moving forward when the outcome is uncertain.

I got that in a fortune cookie a long time ago. I liked it, so I saved it. I keep reading it and today it hit me like a ton of bricks. It's my freaking life!

I'm directing the play "Charley's Aunt" this year. Dress rehearsal is Sunday and half my cast don't know their lines. Yes, we've been practicing twice a week since January. You might think they're lazy. Maybe a little, but let's have a little recap here. My lead, a man who begins the play as a man, changes into a woman, and then ends up a man again, is celebrating his 50th wedding anniversary on Friday. Ya, he's probably 80 years old. My leading lady, Donna Lucia D'Alverez if you please, is pushing 70 I'm sure. Did I mention that half way through our rehearsals she realized she won't be here for the last night of the play?? The man playing Charley has 2 bad knees and a bad hip and can't move without aid. I've had to rework the play so he's sitting the whole entire time. If that wasn't fun I don't know what is! I've got 2 people that know their lines. One of them just knocked out his front tooth and is having a root canal this morning. Just to add to his fun, they're putting in a peg and giving him a crown. Kind of like the cherry on the sundae ya know? The only other person that can act, and sort of knows her lines, is the woman that is going to be the lead on Friday night! I live for Friday! Hell I should write all this down and it could be our comedy for next year!!

I was laying in bed this morning weighing my options. The French Foreign Legion is looking better and better. Wouldn't it be awesome if we could just run away when problems occurred? Let someone else deal with them and just pop back into the play when they're all taken care of?

We can't do that in life. We're grown ups. We must face our problems, deal with them, and move on. Sound a lot like our weight loss journeys? It does to me.

I know I've had weeks when I've eaten everything that doesn't move. I'm having one right now. Do I just chuck it in? Quit ever hoping to reach my weight loss goal? Sometimes I do. Not every time though. Eventually I get hold of myself and get back on track.

Always.

I always have and I always will.

I must push on never knowing the true outcome. Sometimes I think I'd like a sneak peak at the end. Am I under 200 pounds? Nah, it just wouldn't be as much fun if I knew the ending.

Today when I go to practice at 10AM, I'm going to recite this quote to my cast. I'm going to tell them there's no option but to push on, show real courage.

We all do that every day. We don't know if all our healthy eating, our exercise, will pay off on weigh in day. Sometimes it does, sometimes it doesn't.

Real courage is moving forward when the outcome is uncertain.

Onward my friends.

:-)

Alive!

Yes, I'm still alive.

I'll be busy for the next 2 weeks and hopefullly my life will get back on an even keel after that. I'm directing one of the plays our theater group does and it's really taken up more of my time than I anticipated! Next week is our last week before the week of the play. We need to practice. A lot! I'll be back after the play is over.

I PROMISE!

:-)

Bigger isn't always better

Who knew?

Certainly not me.

We recently found out with our cruise on the Carnival Dream that the ship was too big. Too many people, not enough facilities to accommodate them. It's the same with food and our bodies.

Ya, if I were 7 foot tall, and a man, I could eat the food I eat and not gain weight. My body just isn't big enough to allow me to eat the food I want! No, that's not really what I am saying here.

Hot fudge sundaes. Yum right? I've been wanting one for weeks now. Yes, really. Weeks! Went in to town last week to McDonald's. They're OK for a hot fudge sundae. Their ice cream machine was broken. Assholes. Ya, both Mc'D's in town and both say their machines were broken. Um, OK, I just fell off the turnip truck yesterday so I believe that. Almost as much as I believe that an old man really did have my stolen back pack on the ship! Crap, I digressed as usual. I suggested we go to Bob Evan's as they have a good hot fudge sundae too. My friend didn't want to go there so I was left still craving this damn ice cream. I said screw it two days later and got ice cream and hot fudge at the store. Not the same of course, but better than nothing.

Fixed myself a gorgeous creation. Four scoops of ice cream, copious amounts of hot fudge, fat free reddi whip (gotta make it healthy you know?), and whole almonds. Got my favorite long, slender spoon to eat it with and dug in. Ohhhhhh my was it good. I've been so hungry for it and it was heaven. Well, the first few bites were. About half way through, I was actually pretty tired of eating it. Wasn't as good anymore. Did I quit? No...I'm no quitter! It was later that day that I realized bigger isn't better. Wouldn't it have been better to make a smaller sundae and savor each bite? End with licking the bowl as it was so good? Make the WHOLE experience good? Hmmm a thought to ponder. Pixies are good at pondering.

Day 2 I made a smaller sundae. Two BIG scoops of ice cream and all the other fixins. Better, still too big. I did leave some in the bowl this time. What a waste right? Thought some more....almost hurt myself!

Day 3. Made a one scoop ice cream hot fudge sundae. Yep, 1 scoop of ice cream. Finished off the can of fat free reddi whip and used only 7 almonds. Bingo we have a winner!

It was good. No, it was awesome! Just enough. Left me wanting more instead of thinking ugh, there's still some in my bowl. Yep, I licked the bowl!

This is what I need to learn about all foods. More isn't always better. Oh I think it is, but it shouldn't be. I should be able to eat a small amount of something and be satisfied. Thin people do this. If I want to be healthy I need to learn to do this too. I mean it's not like I'm eating something that is going extinct. If I'm eating potato chips, you bet your ass Lay's is going to make more. I don't need to eat the whole damn family sized bag in one sitting! Candy bars come in small sizes and cookies can be eaten singly. Who the hell knew????

Wow, maybe I'm not too old to learn!

PS:I'm back under 200 pounds now and I plan to move my body today! Yep, it's written so I must do it.

:-)

Back. Not fat, just sassy.

Back from my cruise. It sucked ass. Ship too big, service sucked, facilities not nearly enough for the passengers. Rained, windy, purse was stolen. Only good thing about the whole trip was the spa and even that had it's faults. Never go on one of these really big ships. Stay with the smaller ones. I know I will.

Shit number two. I'm bummed Carlos will not be blogging. I will miss him. A lot. On to better stuff.

Good shit.

I lost weight on the cruise. Food sucked...guess that was a good thing. Not really anything to do with my self control or anything though...can't eat solid food still so as long as I stay away from the chips and candy, pop and ice cream, I should not gain at least. Really need to figure out how to eat healthy on this diet. I am dying for a hot fudge sundae though and I will be having one of those soon!

Better shit.

I went zip lining. OK, so the actual zipping sucked...of course...couldn't have something good on the trip ya know? I thought it would be exciting and it wasn't. I thought there would be this tummy dropping feeling when I launched my fat ass off the tower. There wasn't. It was just gliding on a wire. Yawn.

What was good then? Well, let me tell you. I never gave it a thought. Yep that's the good. I read the description of the excursion and all it's warnings. You must be under 240 pounds, your waist must be under 44 inches. You must have no heart problems or shoulder problems (oops!). You must be able to climb. A lot. I read all that and all I thought of was ohhhhh fun! In the past every single one of those things would have been cause for worry. Not only that, they'd all have been the reason I couldn't go on the thing at all. Just last year I weighed over 240. I don't know what my waist size is, but it never even entered my mind that it would be over the limit. How cool was that? I mean I never even thought of it until later I was looking at the stuff and it hit me that I'd just done it. No question of whether I could or not. Awesome. Freaking awesome. It was empowering and I didn't even know it at the time. Yes, it was boring. It won't be the next time.

Yep, there will be a next time.

:-)