Top 10

Mind to disjointed to make a paragraphical blog this mornin. It's all over the place. I slept maybe an hour last night. Oh that's not going to bode well for today! Things going freakin fantastic here. Mostly.

1. I got a job! That's right peeps, no poor house for me and TBM. Thank fuck.

2. I've been kicking ass at the Weight Watcher program. I actually feel a bit less blubbery. Today should be my meeting, but with my new job I won't be able to go mornings anymore so I have to switch to a night time meeting. With Fat Daddy type thinking here's where my mind went. IF I went to my regular meeting today, I wouldn't go again until a week from Monday at night. So, that means over a week. My mind might, heavy on the might, think oh wow, I can eat an extra day or two and it won't count. Free days, you know? So, I'm not going to my meeting this morning, I'm going Monday night instead. That way I'll be forced to be extra good the next few days because I'm switching from a morning weigh in to an evening one.

3. Did I mention there are big bowls of chocolate candy bars in my new office? Fuck me. Still working on what to do about that. No, they must be there. I have to suck it up. I'm thinking of a big bowl of grapes on my desk. Only for me though. I don't want any nasty ass strangers fingers in my grape bowl.

4. This job is something I've never done. I'm going to be selling real estate in our park. I don't need a license as the park is the broker. Lots of paper work. Lots of computer work. Lots of all kinds of shit I don't know how to do. How fucking awesome is that? Old dog learning new tricks. I feel empowered. Seriously. I'm not afraid, I'm excited. I'm ready to learn and amaze.

5. No exercise peeps. None, nada, zip. WTF kind of failure am I at that? Suzi will be kicking my ass soon. Need a plan. Add that to the list.

6. Lots of personal drama in my life at the moment. I hate drama. I hate not sleeping ALL night. Drama kept me awake ALL night. Shit.

7. I have a worrying breast lump. Sorry guys to just put that out there. I went for my yearly in September. I told her about the lump. I had my yearly mamo followed by an ultra sound by some asshole that I'd much rather have cold cocked than let him palpitate my breast. He and the woman before him were cold, rude, and really pains in the asses. Couldn't see the lump on ultra sound. I get that. So, he'd roll over it with the rolly overy thingy and I'd feel it and say, right there. He, instead of saying 'it's not showing up on the scan', kept saying 'there is no lump'. Well excuse the fuck out of me asshole, YES THERE IS! Now, it may be some kind of benign tissue that doesn't show up on ultra sound, I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but when you've got some fuckwad telling you there is no lump at all, and not only can you feel it with your fingers, you can feel it just there. I can feel it just sitting here...from the inside out, ya know, you're not getting the answers you need. So, ladies, we need to stand up for ourselves. If we feel something is hinky, we need to take it further. I've made another appointment with my doc, who I'm not too sure I'm fond of and this will be the deciding factor. Tell me it's a cyst, tell me it's fatty breast tissue, tell me WHAT it is, because it sure the fuck IS.

8. I've got a 7 bedroom home in MI that needs to sell. I've got a park model in the park here that needs to sell. I've got a 35 foot 5th wheel and a 1ton diesel here that need to sell. I can breathe when those 3 things sell.

9. I ate fruit and veg this week. Holy shit that's huge.

10. On the whole, life is good. My mind is in turmoil, but it will pass. Main thing? All that shit going on in my life right now and I stayed on program. Did you hear that? I STAYED ON PROGRAM. ALL WEEK LONG.

Go me!

Peace be the journey

:-)

I am Queen

Of denial.

Corny, I know, but I love a good pun. C'mon you know I'd rock that Cleopatra look!

So, yesterday I was driving the truck and feeling totally uncomfortable. Oh yes peeps, I'm not comfortable in anything but a nightgown or bathing suit right now. Why? Well I'm too damn fat that's why! I hate the feeling of the fat oozing over the top of my jeans. Worse yet is what oozes out the back. Caught sight of myself sitting in a chair at cards the other night. Pfffft on window reflections. It's very hard for me to hoist myself up into the truck, or even up into bed for that matter. Everything hurts and is screaming. Hell I'd scream too if someone made me carry 50 extra pounds and expected me to do it as well as I used to. So what the heck happened?

Denial.

I was below 200. I was an exercising machine. I even had a personal trainer. My stomach problem came back. The one where I can't eat solid food. Man let me just tell you how bad that sucks. You think it would be heaven if you couldn't eat? It's not. I never felt good as what food I ate didn't digest. It just sat in the stomach and rotted. I never felt hungry...how could you with food rotting in there? If I ate, I could eat 1 or 2 bites at most. Nothing solid at all. One bite of meat and I was done for the day. Bread? Nope. Popcorn? Nope. Pasta? Nope. I was reduced to protein drinks so at least I could get some protein in. Fruit juices, yogurt. Didn't lose weight either. Now that really sucks ass people. No solid food and no losing weight? Pfffft. It's called gastroparysis and it's the devil. Don't know what caused it the first time, though I was in Mexico at the time so I still wonder if it's not somehow virus related. Lasted about a year, year and a half and then one day it was just gone. Oh the joy! Gained a butt load of weight because, well, I could eat again! Was gone for a year or so, then BAM it came again. Repeat scenario. Third times a charm right? Last December I flew home for a week. January 2 the tummy trouble was back. OMG I was so depressed. That made me wonder if stress could trigger it. So I decided to try to will it to go away. Don't know if that worked or what, but this time instead of lasting for a year or more, it only lasted a month or two. I was happy. I started to eat. I gained weight.

OK...so denial. Just once I'd like to stay on topic!!!!!

I was under 200...I gained about 9 pounds after being able to eat again. It was so wonderful to enjoy all my favorite foods again. I knew I needed to get back on program. My clothes were getting a wee bit tight. I still felt pretty though. I quit exercising as all my joints hurt. Long story, but man everything hurts. So I gained some more.

I knew I was up over 215 now, but surely it can't be fat. I mean honest to God fat. It has to be water weight. You can't just gain 15 pounds that quickly. When I get back OP it'll just melt off.

I'm now up over 225 and forced to buy new clothes. Must really be retaining water. Never a doubt in my mind it'll just spring from my body when I rejoin Weight Watchers.

We get ready to head back to Michigan. I know that we're going home to get the house ready to sell. Lots of work. I also know I have to work a real job. A physically demanding job. I figured get home, get settled, then get back on program. I'm up to 235 now. I had to go out and buy more new clothes. Bigger clothes. I had to buy a bigger work shirt and bigger work pants as my uniforms didn't come anywhere close to fitting from the year before. How much water can one body hold???

I had a crap summer. I was in so much pain from working at the restaurant that when I got home I couldn't move. I was so tired from getting the big house clean and spruced up and ready to sell my mind just fizzled. The stress was at top level too. Color me 240.

We finally had our last day of work. We got the house pristine. We got the U-Haul packed up. We loaded up the 5th wheel, tossed the dog in the U-Haul and set off on our journey for Florida for the last time. 1450 miles. Me driving the rig and TBM driving the U-Haul. We arrived in paradise, unloaded, started making this our home. I finally decided it was time to get rid of all this water weight and sucked it up and went back to Weight Watchers 10 days ago. Get out your paint kit and color me 247.2. I hope you have a lot of paint. OMG it's a good thing I was sitting down here at home alone when I looked at that card. I was shocked. How could I be shocked? I mean I had to go buy clothes not once, not twice, but three times. I'm not comfortable doing anything but sitting. So, how could I be shocked?

Denial.

It just hit me yesterday that this isn't water weight. This isn't going to just melt off. Just because I went back to WW, it didn't take it off over night.

Fuck me sideways...I really have to work at this. Know something else? It's harder this time! That's right people. Harder. Not easier. I was so far into denial I really thought this 'fat' would melt right off as soon as I got my act together. It's not real fat after all. It's new fat. That should be easier to get off. Oh I'm going to work like hell to get back to where I was as I just can't stand this feeling. I will succeed.

Please learn from the Queen of Denial. FAT IS FAT. New fat, old fat, it's all fat and it's harder than hell to get off. SO, if you get some off, work really hard to keep it off folks. It's not easy to get it off again and again. Once that fat gets on you, it's going to fight to stay.

It sucks asp.

Peace be the journey

:-)

Work for it

Today, to read my post, you have to go here. I did a guest post for Danica and I'm too lazy to write one for here too!

Not really...it's just that it's gorgeous today and I have stuff to do. Went to coffee hour this morning (no donut for me thank you very much!) and now am off and out!

Peace be the journey

:-)

Clutter control

I was reading an article about clutter control for the home. It hit me how much it pertained to weight loss and healthy living.

#1 Have a plan

Seems like an obvious beginning, but how many of us don't really have a set plan? How do we get a plan? Well here's what Clutter Control 101 suggests.

Have a plan
1. What is your biggest problem?
A. Have the tools you need close at hand.
2. Pick a main goal.
A. Get it done.
B. Perfect it later.

OK, so I want to lose weight right?

* What's my biggest problem? Um, I eat too freaking much! So I chose Weight Watchers. You choose whatever works for you. Then we need to work it.

* Have the tools we need close at hand. What are my tools?

When I go shopping, I have a WW points calculator in my purse. Always.

When I'm planning my food for the day, I use the WW online tracker. I have books for back up in case the Internet is down.

I have a restaurant site in the favorites on my phone so if I'm out, and want food, I know how many points it will cost to eat where.

* Pick a main goal

This is important. Really important. So we want to lose weight. Without a main goal, something in cement, I think we're just destined to fail. We're just flopping around like fish on dry land. I think we need both a long term, and a short term goal. When I first began my journey, I knew I had 200+ pounds to lose. It was too much to think of that, so I took it a week at a time. My main goal (which I know now was a mistake), was to get under 200 pounds. I did that. Then I stopped. That was my main goal. I wasn't bright enough to THEN form another main goal. I was lost and I didn't know where to go from there. I went back up. This is why I think we need more than one. Even if you have 300 pounds to lose, your main goal should be your bottom line. Where do you want to be when you're finished? Keep it somewhere in the back of your mind even when working on your short term goals. Don't think of how hard it will be to get there, just think, "yep some day I'm going to weigh 150 pounds".

* Get it done

You've got your goal, your tools, now go to it. Get it done. A day at a time, a step at a time. Be like Nike and just do it. Start your program and go go go.

* Perfect it later

You've started your program, and something isn't quite right. Don't give up. Tweak it a little. Pretty soon it'll be perfect. When it isn't anymore, tweak it again.

We all need a plan. I'm working on mine. Are you working on yours? What have you learned that could help me?

Peace be the journey

:-)

Calories in calories out

Again all the good stuff I want to blog about has to wait because of something that just happened.

We've all heard losing weight is all about calories in calories out. Makes sense to me. I buy it.

I belong to Weight Watchers as most of you know. Love it. Love the program. Love the freedom. Love the balance of it. Yes, it's a fabulous program.

My friend Becky started using My Fitness Pal to track her calories. I decided to shimmy on over there and check that site out. Went to register and found I already had an account. Go figure. If you're a calorie counter, it's a great site. So far it's had every food in it's bank I added to my daily menu. It also seems to be pretty user friendly which is a big plus in my book.

OK, so here's why I needed to blog about this tonight instead of something else. I figure I should be on about a 1200 calorie diet to lose me some fat. Weight Watchers thinks the same. I'm allowed a certain number of points on Weight Watchers and that's supposed to pretty much equal the amount of calories I should have to shed weight safely. With me still?

So far today I've had 982 calories. Not too bad you say? According to Weight Watchers, I still have 11.5 points left! Now generally a point is pretty much equal to 50 calories...so we're talking another 550 cals. Well over the 1200 I was shooting for.

Here's where it gets trickier. Depending on the fiber in the food, or even the type of food, the points don't really reflect the calories in the food. Some foods, like my whole wheat bread for example, have 100 calories, but only 1 point because of the fiber in it. Veg, most of them, are 0 points, but they still have calories. This has been a real eye opener for me. For example, my 1/2 sandwich at lunch time had tomato, cukes, and romaine on it...0 WW points, but 30 calories. No biggie? That was just a few of each thing. So you can see how a large salad could potentially have a lot of calories, but 0 points. A bit more WW math. I had 1 T Miracle Whip Light for 0 points, but again, it had 15 calories. Marcy, no aspartame in mine, but drat it's got HFCS and I don't eat that...so in the trash mine goes too! It really does add up!

As long as I'm losing weight at a steady rate, I'll keep on doing WW the way it's intended. If my weight loss slows down, I'll start taking a good hard look at the calories in what I'm eating.

I never get over how I keep learning things!

Peace be the journey

:-)

Bring it

Man I had so many topics for today's blog. I really did.

I'm too high to go there. Stay tuned for a more lucid blog tomorrow-ish.


I gained a butt load and a half of weight since last year. We're broke flatter than piss on a platter. My stove doesn't work, my toilets are sub standard, my shower is broke. I've got 2 houses and a 5th wheel to sell. Hubs only has 3 days of work and needs 5. Don't even get me started on family health issues!

Am I giving up? Throwing in the towel? Using all this adversity as an excuse to stay fat? Stay unfit?

Hell no.

I just had some of the best pizza I've had in ages.

I've just had some awesome wine. Oh yes, I'll be having some more.

I had a job interview today. For an even better job than the one I applied for.

I had a freaking fabulous loss at my Weight Watchers meeting this morning. So good
in fact, my first recipe reward has been earned! Oh ya! Marcy will be sending me a hand written recipe all the way from Germany! How freaking awesome is that?

I've got peeps that support me.

This is my birthday month.

I'm on fire.

I can take it.

Bring it!

Peace be the journey

:-)

NEVER SAY NEVER!!!!

Before I begin, I just noticed I have 150 followers. How cool is that? My goal weight = the number of my followers. Coincidence? I think not!

OK, on to the previously scheduled program.

You'd think I'd learn. Oh hell no. Not the easy way anyway. It's Karma. The minute you say 'I'll never do this', you of course do it. "That will NEVER happen to me". Count on it bitch because is is SO going to happen to you!

We get comfortable. We really believe it won't happen. Well boys and girls, it can and it does. So, if you're out there saying NEVER NEVER NEVER, you still have to take steps to make sure, or it will be ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS!

I've said NEVER a few times. Here, here, and oh hell the list of course goes on.

I want to change my ALWAYS to NEVER. I can't do that without changing the way I think. Wow, how's that for a difficult task? Change the way we think. Can it be done? Dunno, but I'm going to try.

When I said I was NEVER going to get back into a size 18 pants again, I sure the hell never thought a 22 would be tight on my ass EVER again. I don't like it. I don't want to feel this way again.

I have never been shocked when getting on the scale at my Weight Watcher meeting. I always weigh ahead of time and I know what to expect. I didn't this time. I didn't even look at what she wrote in the book. Until the other night. It was like someone punched me in the gut. Literally. I've never had that feeling and I didn't like it.

I need to remember this. How it feels. When I get back down into my size 14's and lower, I need to somehow channel this feeling of fat oozing everywhere so I won't get back here again. It is easy to do. For me anyway. I need to ALWAYS remember:

how bad my knees hurt
how bad my hips hurt
how bad my ankles hurt
how fat my face feels
how fat my ass is
how things jiggle and ooze
how I don't feel beautiful
how I feel embarrassed every time I go out in public
how I'm ashamed of myself

Oh I want to revel in the glory of being fitter again. Feeling beautiful, etc. But in the back of my mind, I need to remember how bad this sucks right now so I DON'T FUCKING DO THIS AGAIN!!!!!!!!

NEVER EVER EVER!!!!!

Oops, I said it again. I believe it this time. This time my never is not going to be an always. I'm old, but I'm still learning.

Peace be the journey

:-)