To be or not to be?

So, I've always been a fan of Shakespeare....what can I say?

Here's the dilemma.

In the past, I've dieted for vanity. I always thought myself healthy, so losing weight was just to look better. I don't know how I could think myself healthy at 368 pounds, but I did. I didn't have any discernible health problems. No high blood pressure, no diabetes, no cholesterol problem...nothing at all. I could walk and get around. I could do somersaults with my kids. Oh sure I couldn't fit in an airplane seat or the booth at the local restaurant. I couldn't tie my shoes or buy clothes in ANY store. I couldn't fit in rides in amusement parks and I was afraid of getting stuck in the water chutes at the water park....but hey, I was healthy right?

So, now I've lost 100+ pounds....and am at the age that I really don't care that I might be a bit fat. I can buy cute clothes and cover the flab. I've been in a quandary as to how to proceed with my journey. Do I want to lose more? Do I want to maintain? What do I really want?

I'd intended to sit down with a journal and start trying to get some of my thoughts on paper. Maybe make a bit of sense out of my life. Ya, so that didn't happen! It will though as I think it is pertinent.

I was happy to just go along not minding my diet at all. Taking a break you know? Things have come up this last week that have got me thinking. God help us all!

So, here's the skinny. I'm thirsty. Yep, that's it. I've never felt thirst in my life really. This past week, I'm thirsty all the time. It's uncomfortable. I don't like it and of course it's worrying me. My mouth isn't dry, but I'm thirsty. I've been drinking quite a bit, but it really doesn't help. I try to keep my mind off it, but that only goes so far! At the risk of embarrassing some of my male readers, I'm really not eliminating what I'm drinking like I used to either. I used to drink my 4 cups of coffee in the morning and, as my father used to say, 'piss like a Russian race horse'. Now it's more like the trickle from a dried up well. So, where is all this liquid I'm drinking going?

I'm not a worrier by nature, but I have been this week. I intend to make a doc appt next week if this doesn't correct itself by Monday. I mean really...have I become a diabetic in the past week? Are my kidney's failing? What's the freakin scoop??? I'm not eating any more salt than normal. I have been eating a lot more sugar and I did read that can cause excessive thirst. I really am in the blind here though.

So, what have I decided? I've decided that I need to think about my health for a change. If I won't do what I need to do for my looks, will I do it for my health? Not sure yet. I've got a friend that has a heart condition and won't do what he needs to do...will I be able to? It will be interesting for sure. I've decided that for today, yep, today. Baby steps you know?

1. Today I'm going to avoid added sugar. I'll avoid candy and honey and sugar. I'll not add extra salt to anything either. If cutting the sugar doesn't help, I'll go to plan B. I don't know what plan B is...but I'll be seeking the advice of the doc next week. I'm scheduled for blood tests in January anyway. I'll make the appointment and see her and maybe she'll want to add extra things to the test order.

2. I'll put some fruit and veg back in my diet also. Haven't had any of that for a long time. I don't like most of them....but my body does. I'm sure I could learn to like them, if not, my body still needs them.

3. I'll go back to only whole grains. I bought a loaf of squishy white bread a few weeks ago. It was awesome! When at the store the day before yesterday I reached for another. I put it back. It's not good for me at all. Sometimes we just have to suck it up and eat what we don't necessarily like. I'm sure if we did it enough we'd get used to it. I used to hate whole wheat bread. I don't anymore. Why torture myself and buy white every 3-4 months...get my mouth back to liking it. Stupid.

4. I'm going to move my body. I can't say move it more as I've not been moving it at all! So, I'll move it....you've got to move it move it! Insert little furry animal jumping around singing there.

5. I'm going to have some 'me' time every day. Oh, I do a lot of stuff for me every single day. I play cards, I belong to the drama club where I'm directing a play this year, I play Mah Jongg, etc. Even doing things I like can become like a chore sometimes. I feel overwhelmed. I go to physical therapy I do this I do that. I need some time to just do nothing. I've decided on 20 minutes to read a day. Structured. No computer, no cards, just me and reading. I love to read and I never seem to do it. It's so cold here right now we're huddled around our heater. I can't read unless there's total silence. I didn't think it fair to tell the boys to turn off the TV so I can read. I can't go to another room as it's freaking freezing!!! Oh poor me. I play the martyr well. I can plug in the heater on the lanai. I can go to the library...we have 2 in the park! I can ask Ian to put his headphones on and he doesn't mind that at all. So, why do I feel bad asking? Dunno...but I plan to this week.

I'm rambling as usual here as I'm still in the process of deciding what I need to do with my life. I'm worried about this being thirsty and not peeing thing. Oh, did I forget to mention I'm gaining about a pound a day? Got on the scale this morning and it was 2 pounds up. Ouch.

This was my breakfast this morning. Way too big as I found out after eating it....told you, baby steps! No sugar, no salt. Fresh strawberries, banana, whole wheat English muffin, natural peanut butter with nothing but peanuts added, Greek yogurt & almonds with no honey, sweetener, anything at all. Skim milk. It was good. If I were counting Weight Watcher points, it would have been about 15. WAY too many...glad I'm not counting Weight Watcher points! I may need to...but for now, this is the game I'm going to play.

I've changed my weight loss ticker to reflect my recent gains. I've also changed my goal weight. IF I want to lose more, I want a nearer goal. I've made it 188 instead of 150. Again, baby steps make it easier for me. I know I want to lose what I've gained at least!!!




:-)