Re-capping 2009

It's been a helluva year.

I've approached my diet and exercise routine this year with the vicissitude of a child with ADHD and no ritalin. I've gone from gung ho on program, to 'get out of my way or I'll nibble you' off. Think the Pixie needs a little balance in her life?

January 3, 2009 started my 4 month stretch of exercising daily and being 100% on program. 4 whole months people!!! WTF happened in April? I dunno, I really don't. I lost 25.6 pounds in those 4 months. Why didn't I just maintain there? Why did I find it necessary to go so berserk and gain it all back? Again, dunno. It wasn't a conscious decision for sure. April/May showed me gaining over 15 pounds back. Freakin moron. I got my mojo back in June, and July 8 showed me right back to my 25.6 pounds off again. So, again, why didn't I just try to maintain that. Hold on to the ground I'd won at least? August 19 found me just 1 pound more than that. Why didn't I stay there? From August to now, my weight loss/gain looks quite the opposite of our stock market of recent. A little bit down, and a whole hell of a lot of up.

So, without further ado, the 2009 grand total? Thank God it's a loss. 4.5 pounds. Yep, that's right. 365 days of hard work and mental anguish for 4.5 pounds. How do I feel? Thankful it wasn't a gain. In 2008, I gained 26.4 pounds. I did not like that at all! I'm also sad that it's 'only' 4.5 pounds. I worked hard for what I lost. Really hard. Why did it give up ground? I don't know. I do know that's got to change.

Resolutions? Yep, I believe in them. I believe in making promises to myself. What happens if I don't achieve them? I know I at least tried. I had a goal, something to shoot for. I promised myself that in 2009 I would weigh less than I did in 2008. I did that. Just barely, but I did it. So, what does that do to me? It makes me want more out of 2010. I will be working on a list of what I want out of 2010 in the next few days. You'll be the first to know when it's finished!

I know I need to do something different. I just don't know what that is right now. I had to give up my Weight Watcher membership. I'm scared. I know it can be done. I know I can't do it alone. I've always had you guys in the past and I sure hope I have you in the future.

I get so much motivation out of reading your blogs. Even if I don't comment, I got something from it. I promise! The following comments are only on the weight loss/exercise blogs I read. So, if you're on of the 'regular' bloggers I read, don't get your panties in a bunch because you're not mentioned here. I love you too!

I went to bed last night with heartache for the one who 'had her heart broken'. I am so worried about the one that might have MS. I'm praying for both. There's the one that tried to get a new job this year and was thwarted. One had her husband lose his job, and two that have so much pain for someone so young. One that is struggling with her self image while attending University. My own daughter in law...trying to do it all. There's a crazy woman with a crooked face that I love and a sex starved financial guy that makes me laugh. There's a used to be fatter dude that makes me laugh and think all at the same time...sometimes cry. There are a few who have reached goal and are maintaining. There's one that has a name that bothers me every time I see it....have a problem calling someone so beautiful inside and out 'ugly'! There's one that just reached the 100 mark! wow!!! (She wants to buy a mini food processor...may I suggest the 'Magic Bullet'? It's freaking awesome!) One has the quote on her site 'Don't dig your grave with your own knife and fork'. Love that! One shows food porn pics with her new camera...makes me drool! One I can't get to anymore...invited readers only! Pah! One I saw on TV here in FL. One in Japan having a quarter life crisis....get back to blogging please!!! I didn't name names, I probably left some out as my mind is old and it forgets. I just wanted you guys to know that I think of you so often. Even lately when my life has been so crazy and I've not had time to read blogs...I still think about you and hope you're still there and still doing OK. Sorry, you're all stuck with me...hope it's reciprocal!

I got an awesome new years card today from my very good friend Ian. Those of you that know me well, know I adore Piglet. He's just so freakin cute...and pink. He doesn't get as much publicity as the rest of the critters in the 100 acre woods....but he's my favorite. So, of course I fell in love with the card when I saw Piglet on the front. I thought it was such a sweet gesture...I read it, I oohd and ahhd as it was just so darn cute. Then I started pondering the message. Pixie's used to ponder you know? Here's the message on the card.

"Pooh!" whispered Piglet.
"Yes, Piglet?" said Pooh.
"Oh nothing." said Piglet
"I was just making sure of you."
The inside said
"From year to year I can always be sure of our friendship."

So.

"Fellow bloggers!" whispered Pixie.
"I'm just making sure of you. Are you still with me? I sure need you in 2010!!!"

:-)

You can quote me on this

In the quiet time before my gorgeous grandson Mason wakes up, I'm reading that book I told you about that my daughter in law saved for me. 'Finally Thin!' by Kim Bensen. I like it so far. This morning I read something I'm going to try to remember, to use.

In her book, Kim tells of seeing a report her son wrote on Edison. Her son quoted Edison, and I loved it. I think it pertains to our weight loss journey. Here's what the old light bulb master had to say.

"I have not failed. I have found ten thousand ways that did not work!"

Awesome. How many of us have tried and tried to lose weight and keep saying we failed? I know I'm raising my hand here. Every time I give in to temptation, I say 'I failed'. I'm kidding, but I'm saying it. Say something long enough and you'll believe it. From now on I'm going to say 'oops, found another way that didn't work'. Make it positive. I believe that positive builds us up more than negative.

You all know I've taken a short hiatus from my weight loss journey. Now you know it's still very much in my mind and my heart. I'm not giving up at all. I will make it work as soon as I figure out what I want and how I can get it. To quote someone else (wow I'm full of them today eh???):

"Not all those who wander are lost".

Wow...I thought that was deep. A friend of my son that I have on my Facebook page used that as her status this morning. Awesome. That's me. I'm not lost, I'm just wandering a bit. I know at least where I don't want to be...so I'm not completely lost.

I had to look it up to see who said it. You know, give credit where credit is due and all that crap. I really thought I was going to find it was by my main man the Bard. Sighhhh c'mon, you know who I'm talking about? Willie boy? Shakespeare for goodness sakes people! I love that man! Nope, was the little gnome writing about dude Tolkien. I found the whole entire quote and I like another part of it. Here's the whole doggone thing!

"All that is gold does not glitter, not all those who wander are lost; the old that is strong does not wither, deep roots are not reached by the frost. From the ashes a fire shall be woken, a light from the shadows shall spring; renewed shall be the blade that was broken, the crown less again shall be king."

"The old that is strong does not wither, deep roots are not reached by the frost".

We keep at this, we get stronger, when we're faced with temptation, we can succeed. We practice, lay down the roots we need, and we can withstand more.

"From the ashes a fire shall be woken, a light from the shadows shall spring; renewed shall be the blade that was broken,"

Just face a craving, an urge to eat once and beat it. How does that make you feel? Yep, a fire shall be woken all right! Do it twice...build on it....oh ya I feel light springing already!

We can all do this. We just have to find our own way. We have to find our way to stick with things. It's a lot mental that's for sure. Our minds tell us one thing when our bodies need another. We just need to outwit them! Our own personal Survivor. "Outwit, outlast, out play'.

Survivors are you ready?

:-)

I'm carrying 32 extra pounds

It's my grandson Mason!!

This trip has so far exceeded my expectations it's just awesome! How often does that happen? It seems that we get excited about something and plan and look forward to it, that when the event finally happens, it's a let down. Not this time! My trip to Michigan to see my grand babies has been so much better than I could have dreamed! Mason has been giving me kisses and hugs and sitting with me and best of all calling me Gramma! I haven't even seen the other two yet! That's still to come. I'm flying high for sure!

My daughter in law saved a book for me to read that I'm loving also. It's called 'Finally Thin' and so far it's excellent. I'll give you the full review when I'm finished. Said daughter in law just finished college yesterday after taking her final, final exam! Yay she's got a degree! Not only that, she went for an interview yesterday morning and got a job last night! How awesome is that?

Sighhhhhh we're getting ready to go to lunch right now and Tara is getting Mason dressed and I can hear him talking. He's saying 'Gramma!'. Life is so good. So very, very good.

Thanks to Ian for taking this awesome picture(and about 1000 more too!), we bid you adieu!



:-)

I'm leavin on a jet plane!

I am SO off to see my grandbabies tomorrow!

We're driving today to spend the night as our plane leaves bright and early in the morning. I'll be gone for a few weeks. Please don't give up on me!

I'm so far behind on reading blogs it's pathetic. I plan to catch up in Michigan. Again, please don't give up on me. I still love all of you!

I've made some drastic decisions in my life recently. I'll catch you up to speed after Christmas when I can get back on here.

I've cancelled my Weight Watchers membership. HUGE decision.

Please don't give up on me!

GRANDBABIES HERE I COME!!! PREPARE TO BE HUGGED AND KISSED AND LOVED!!!

:-)

Stay the course

Those are words you hear often.

Stick with it for the long haul. It's not an over night thing. You didn't gain it over night you're not going to take it off over night. Sound familiar? Sure it does. Make sense? Of course. Easy to hear/practice/do/act on for 40 years? Hell no!!!

I am having a most difficult time lately as most of you know. My friends want to help. TBM wants to help. Can they? Ah no. Why not? They're not me. They don't know what's in my head, or in my heart. I got an email last week from a well meaning reader. They said I was being lazy. I was being a baby. I needed to suck it up and just get on with it. Thanks. That helped a lot. NOT!

Let me try to explain. Most of you are on some sort of weight loss program. There are different phases as we all know. Let me tell you, the honeymoon is over here! Compare my weight loss journey to a job. You start a job. You work 30 years and then you retire. I began my weight loss journey over 40+ years ago. That's a frick of a long time to do something. I was trying to explain to my friend the other day. He said but you weren't on Weight Watchers all that 40 years. No, correct. My first attempt at Weight Watchers wasn't until 1977. There has never been a year in there anywhere that I wasn't on Weight Watchers for all or part of the year. Not one. So, that's over 33 years right there. I want my pension!!!!!

I want to stress here that I'm not giving up. I'm not throwing in the towel. I'm just trying to explain what is in my heart and my mind. I really believe we all learn from each other here and this is my forum to try to get out there what I can't say with words.

Here are the facts:

The fact is I've lost over 160 pounds and I certainly don't want to gain it back.

The fact is, my Weight Watcher goal is 150 pounds.

The fact, in fact the most important fact is, I'm fine where I'm at right now....for now.

Oh yes, all you ass kickers out there may suck in a breath of disgust. You may tell me to suck it up and pull up my big girl panties. You're wasting your breath. That doesn't work for me. It works when I tell myself that, but not when others tell me that.

The next fact is I'd like to weigh 20 pounds less than I do right now. Just not right now. I really feel that is where I'd be happy for the rest of my life. Yes, 184 pounds would be really fat still. I don't really give a rats ass. I'm not out to impress. I've got flab and rolls that aren't going to go away even if I get to goal weight without surgery. Do I want to face surgery to tuck and tighten? I used to and that's a fact Jack. Right now I'm facing surgery on my hands, both of them. I'm facing surgery on my shoulder. I'm sure I'll be facing surgery on my knees down the road. I'm facing an immanent surgery to hoist up some bladder and bowel parts in the female area. I think that's enough cutting! The fat and flab is just going to have to dangle. I'm OK with that now. I never used to be.

I can just hear some of you saying 'Oh she's making excuses'. Maybe I am. Mostly I'm just trying to get across what I'm feeling. Not an easy task sometimes as you all know.

I'm tired boys and girls. After 40+ years of counting points, weighing and measuring, thinking about every bite that goes into my mouth. I need a new plan. I need to not think of being on my diet or off my diet. I need to quit thinking diet.

I need to not gain back what I lost and that's a must. That's not giving up in my book. The hardest part of losing weight is keeping it off. So, in my book, if I can keep off what I've lost, I'm still fighting the fight.

I'm 51 years old. No, that's not ready for the nursing home yet. It is, however, old enough to enjoy a few things. I want to have a dessert without a panic attack. I want to go to lunch with a friend without either A. being pissed off that they chose a place that wasn't 100% WW friendly, or B. feeling deprived and sorry for myself sitting there with my lettuce leaf and a toothpick while they have a burger. C. I want a glass of wine now and then. Yes, I realize that Weight Watchers gives me those options. Not without a lot of thinking, and writing, and measuring and planning. I want a break from all that. I want to fix a meal and just sit down with a normal portion and enjoy it without first weighing it all out. I just want to be normal. Ya, I know, that probably is a boat that already sailed!!!

I need input here. Ideas. I have some...I need more. Yes, I'm desperate. I need a plan I can live with right now.

When all this was rolling around in my mind yesterday, giving up my blog was the first thing that entered my mind. I mean if I'm not on Weight Watchers, what's the point right? My blog helps me so much. Reading all your blogs helps me tons. More than you'll probably ever know. I take it all in and I learn. I commiserate with some, I hope to encourage some. I just love all you guys! Group hug here! Everyone isn't on Weight Watchers. Some people are just trying to maintain. Some people are holding on by a thread. Raising hand and waving it frantically here!

So, I need a plan of action. I'm still working on it. I have to find something that will keep me from going off the deep end, but with a minimum of thinking. My brain is fried with all this pain crap I'm going through. I need to find a way to deal with that before I can commit back to 100% weight loss. I just do.

Help me with ideas here people. Add to my list...help me make a plan that I can live with and that will work for me. Here's what I've got so far.

Make sure each day includes the following:
3 milk servings
6 fruit and veg servings
whole grains, lean protein, water
3 servings of healthy oil in the form of oil (doh), natural peanut butter, avocado, or almonds.
No hydrogenated oils
no white bread, rice, or pasta...well 99% of the time.

Make sure 3 days a week includes exercise, building to 5 days a week.

I have a few more ideas...but this blog just got way too long. Gotta go tie the knot in my rope.

:-)

Pixie rants

That's right, Fat Daddy isn't the only one that can rant. Oh, he might do it better...but I'm up for the challenge.

You'll have to read about it on my other blog though as it has nothing to do with De-Puffing the Pixie!

Today is my weigh in. Two and a half more hours until I know if all my efforts this week will be rewarded.

The scale can be my friend, or it can be my mortal enemy. Oh, I tell myself that I won't give the scale the power to play with my emotions. I lie. It has a power beyond comprehension. Sometimes I toy with the thought of weighing only once a month. I don't think I could do that. I think I need the accountability of a weekly weigh.

Something happened a while back that I've been thinking about ever since. Some of you might remember I went on a girls get away with my very good friend Mary K. We went to Clearwater beach and stayed at the awesome Hilton for 2 days. Swimming pools, jacuzzi, ocean, cabana boys...oops how did that get in there? We had a fabulous time. I took healthy snacks and had a plan. Part of my plan was to attend my Weight Watcher meeting while I was there. We got up that first morning and had coffee and chatted. I love cookies with my coffee, always have. I enjoyed a fiber one bar instead. They are so good and chocolatey, a real treat. I had my WW yogurt and Special K high protein cereal. We got dressed and off we went to the meeting.

I had done awesome that week and was excited to step on the scale. The lady said 'you're up a little'. My heart crashed to my toes. How could that be? I was on program. I exercised. I was a good girl. I pretended it didn't bother me. It did. A lot. I slunk to my seat and peeked into my book and saw a 1.2 pound gain. I was gutted.

I'm sure you can all see where this is going and how the sad tale ended. I gave up. I was on holiday and I was going to enjoy. I ate crab. All you can eat crab. I can eat a lot. I ate a lot of other things too. We came home after 2 days, but the bad attitude came with me. I ate for the rest of the week. I said screw it, it's not worth the effort, and I ate the following week too. I went to my WW meeting 2 weeks later fatter and bloated. I gained 10.2 pounds that week.

Now, the crux of the situation. There's always a crux you know?

I didn't gain 1.2 pounds at all! Upon looking at my book at a later date, I noticed the error. I weighed 198.6 the week before our trip. When I weighed in at that meeting that fateful day, I weighed 197.4. Somehow, the computer wrote + 1.2 instead of -1.2. An error...a freaking error.

This has stayed with me all that time. What would have happened if the computer spit out the sticker that said I'd lost 1.2? Would I have continued on my healthy plan and prevented the eating frenzy? Probably.

Wow, that's a lot of power I'm giving to a scale.

I rarely weigh myself between my official WW weigh ins. I know how weight can fluctuate. It's not worth the mental angst for me to weigh daily. My main problem with this is my weight seems to dip mid week and then raise a bit before the week is out. So, if I weigh myself on Sunday and it shows I'm down a few pounds...I'll think 'ohhhhh by Tuesday I should be down some more'!!! It doesn't happen that way with me. Tuesday I'll hop on the scale expecting more than I saw on Sunday and it's always less so I'm disappointed. I might have lost, but it's less than what I thought, so it's not good. I learned from that, and like I said, I rarely weigh myself during the week because of that.

I was feeling quite thin the other day so I hopped on the scale. I was up 2 pounds. Gutted? Yep. I flew out of the bathroom and took out my frustration on Ian. I screeched even. 'I DON'T KNOW WHY I BOTHER TO BE GOOD IF I'M GOING TO GAIN WEIGHT ANYWAY!!! I MIGHT AS WELL EAT WHAT I WANT AND ENJOY THE GAIN!!' I then stormed out of the house leaving him to scratch his head and wonder what the hell that was all about.

I managed to bitch slap myself into submission and get hold of the situation. I told myself that I KNOW the scale goes up and down and chastised myself heartily for getting on the beast mid week. I reminded myself of the 1.2 pound gain/loss fiasco and told myself that the week wasn't over and the fat lady wasn't singing just yet. I stayed on program. It was hard and it all could have been avoided by not getting on the stupid scale in the first place!

It's not practical for me to say I'm not going to get on the scale ever again. It is unfortunately how I choose to measure my success. Not the only way of course, but the tangible way. The way that will allow me to reach my WW goal and be able to attend meetings free for the rest of my life. I need those meetings, so the scale and I must learn to play nicey nicey.

Sometimes I hate it. Sometimes I love it. We're in a rocky relationship for sure, but we're in it for the long haul. I am learning to not give it the power. I won this week. Doing things once makes it easier to repeat. I pray that it will be good to me today in a few hours. If not, I'll kick it up a notch and hope for a better outcome next week. I'm nothing if not stubborn!

:-)

Thinking thoughts

Goals. Mantras. Mindset. Sex.

Oh OK, so that last one isn't supposed to be in there....what's a Pixie to do?

I realized yesterday I don't have a goal anymore. I said I was going to think about it yesterday, but oops. That didn't happen. I'm doing it now. Right here in front of you. Yep, I'm thinking on the fly as I type!

I had goals before. I reached them all. I think for me, it has to be in the semantics. One of my goals was to get under 200. I did. It lasted one week. In fact, I did it twice. Once back in the 90's and again this summer. Sometimes I'm so thick.

My goals have changed. My goal before was to reach my 'goal weight'. WW says that's about 140ish. If I stand real tall and wear big hair, it could be 150. I'm 5'4&1/2. 5'5 lets me be OK at 150...so of course, 150 is what I chose. Not so much anymore. I don't desire to weigh 150. Maybe that's why I'm having so much trouble right now. I know I don't care about 150...so what do I want?

If I don't have a goal to shoot for, all my effort is just that. Effort.

I'm goal orientated. I strive to reach a goal and am willing to work hard to get there. To do something without a goal is just doing it. It's trudgery(I'm submitting it to Webster as we speak) and just plain hard work for no reward at the end.

It's a glorified list and you all know I'm the queen of list making!!!!

I also know for a fact I need mini goals. One huge race to the finish isn't Pixies game. I get bored in the middle and want to lay down and take a nap instead of sprint to the finish.

I also know I need an end goal. I learned that the hard way. That's going to be the sticky part as like I said, I'm not interested in reaching 150 anymore I don't think. I just want to be comfortable in my skin. I want to be healthy. I want to be kinda fit.

I've come a long way. My goals have become fuzzy...hell they've disappeared. My journey is now a trod. Who wants to trod when you can run? Not me.

So, without further ado. My goals.

Short term goals:

1. Get under 200 pounds AND STAY THERE FOR FRICK SAKE!
a. There, it's now written Rosanna. It shall be done.
b. My goal is to keep this body under 200 pounds all of 2010. What a concept!
c. Crap that means I need to GET under 200 before 2010!!!
2. Exercise 3 days a week for 30 minutes each.
a. Gotta start somewhere.

That's it. Bet you thought there would be more. Bet you thought they'd be earth shaking and news worthy. Nope, short, sweet, do-able and sustainable is what I was shooting for here!

Yo-yo dieting isn't good for the bod. So, let's get this gelatinous heap under 200 and keep it there. We can go further after that. Need to reach one goal before I can start the next!

Long term goals:

1. Weigh 168 pounds AND STAY THERE.
a. No longer obese. 'Just' overweight.
b. That will be my 200 pounds off. Nice round number.
2. Exercise 5 days a week for 40-60 minutes each.
a. Should be sustainable.

I think this is going to do it for now. I can't overwhelm myself. I'm too old for that shit. I just want to be comfortable. My biggest change with these goals and all the ones I've made in the past is with the addition of the words 'AND STAY THERE'! That would be a true goal...get there and stay there. When I reach these goals and they become sustainable, I can re-evaluate then. It ain't over til it's over!

My Mantra has just popped into my head.

Do what it takes.

My mantra will play out like this:
Debby wants chocolate. Debby will immediately say mantra to herself. 'Do what it takes'. Debby still wants chocolate. Debby will now say mantra out loud. 'Do what it takes'. Debby still wants chocolate. Debby now will be firm and say out loud, 'Do what it takes. Is this what it takes? I thought not. Step away from the frickin chocolate and get a hold of yourself you spineless bitch'. Ya, I can get tough with myself like that!!! Sometimes it works and sometimes I get pissed off and eat despite myself. Go figure!

Do what it takes.

:-)