Re-capping 2009

It's been a helluva year.

I've approached my diet and exercise routine this year with the vicissitude of a child with ADHD and no ritalin. I've gone from gung ho on program, to 'get out of my way or I'll nibble you' off. Think the Pixie needs a little balance in her life?

January 3, 2009 started my 4 month stretch of exercising daily and being 100% on program. 4 whole months people!!! WTF happened in April? I dunno, I really don't. I lost 25.6 pounds in those 4 months. Why didn't I just maintain there? Why did I find it necessary to go so berserk and gain it all back? Again, dunno. It wasn't a conscious decision for sure. April/May showed me gaining over 15 pounds back. Freakin moron. I got my mojo back in June, and July 8 showed me right back to my 25.6 pounds off again. So, again, why didn't I just try to maintain that. Hold on to the ground I'd won at least? August 19 found me just 1 pound more than that. Why didn't I stay there? From August to now, my weight loss/gain looks quite the opposite of our stock market of recent. A little bit down, and a whole hell of a lot of up.

So, without further ado, the 2009 grand total? Thank God it's a loss. 4.5 pounds. Yep, that's right. 365 days of hard work and mental anguish for 4.5 pounds. How do I feel? Thankful it wasn't a gain. In 2008, I gained 26.4 pounds. I did not like that at all! I'm also sad that it's 'only' 4.5 pounds. I worked hard for what I lost. Really hard. Why did it give up ground? I don't know. I do know that's got to change.

Resolutions? Yep, I believe in them. I believe in making promises to myself. What happens if I don't achieve them? I know I at least tried. I had a goal, something to shoot for. I promised myself that in 2009 I would weigh less than I did in 2008. I did that. Just barely, but I did it. So, what does that do to me? It makes me want more out of 2010. I will be working on a list of what I want out of 2010 in the next few days. You'll be the first to know when it's finished!

I know I need to do something different. I just don't know what that is right now. I had to give up my Weight Watcher membership. I'm scared. I know it can be done. I know I can't do it alone. I've always had you guys in the past and I sure hope I have you in the future.

I get so much motivation out of reading your blogs. Even if I don't comment, I got something from it. I promise! The following comments are only on the weight loss/exercise blogs I read. So, if you're on of the 'regular' bloggers I read, don't get your panties in a bunch because you're not mentioned here. I love you too!

I went to bed last night with heartache for the one who 'had her heart broken'. I am so worried about the one that might have MS. I'm praying for both. There's the one that tried to get a new job this year and was thwarted. One had her husband lose his job, and two that have so much pain for someone so young. One that is struggling with her self image while attending University. My own daughter in law...trying to do it all. There's a crazy woman with a crooked face that I love and a sex starved financial guy that makes me laugh. There's a used to be fatter dude that makes me laugh and think all at the same time...sometimes cry. There are a few who have reached goal and are maintaining. There's one that has a name that bothers me every time I see it....have a problem calling someone so beautiful inside and out 'ugly'! There's one that just reached the 100 mark! wow!!! (She wants to buy a mini food processor...may I suggest the 'Magic Bullet'? It's freaking awesome!) One has the quote on her site 'Don't dig your grave with your own knife and fork'. Love that! One shows food porn pics with her new camera...makes me drool! One I can't get to anymore...invited readers only! Pah! One I saw on TV here in FL. One in Japan having a quarter life crisis....get back to blogging please!!! I didn't name names, I probably left some out as my mind is old and it forgets. I just wanted you guys to know that I think of you so often. Even lately when my life has been so crazy and I've not had time to read blogs...I still think about you and hope you're still there and still doing OK. Sorry, you're all stuck with me...hope it's reciprocal!

I got an awesome new years card today from my very good friend Ian. Those of you that know me well, know I adore Piglet. He's just so freakin cute...and pink. He doesn't get as much publicity as the rest of the critters in the 100 acre woods....but he's my favorite. So, of course I fell in love with the card when I saw Piglet on the front. I thought it was such a sweet gesture...I read it, I oohd and ahhd as it was just so darn cute. Then I started pondering the message. Pixie's used to ponder you know? Here's the message on the card.

"Pooh!" whispered Piglet.
"Yes, Piglet?" said Pooh.
"Oh nothing." said Piglet
"I was just making sure of you."
The inside said
"From year to year I can always be sure of our friendship."

So.

"Fellow bloggers!" whispered Pixie.
"I'm just making sure of you. Are you still with me? I sure need you in 2010!!!"

:-)

You can quote me on this

In the quiet time before my gorgeous grandson Mason wakes up, I'm reading that book I told you about that my daughter in law saved for me. 'Finally Thin!' by Kim Bensen. I like it so far. This morning I read something I'm going to try to remember, to use.

In her book, Kim tells of seeing a report her son wrote on Edison. Her son quoted Edison, and I loved it. I think it pertains to our weight loss journey. Here's what the old light bulb master had to say.

"I have not failed. I have found ten thousand ways that did not work!"

Awesome. How many of us have tried and tried to lose weight and keep saying we failed? I know I'm raising my hand here. Every time I give in to temptation, I say 'I failed'. I'm kidding, but I'm saying it. Say something long enough and you'll believe it. From now on I'm going to say 'oops, found another way that didn't work'. Make it positive. I believe that positive builds us up more than negative.

You all know I've taken a short hiatus from my weight loss journey. Now you know it's still very much in my mind and my heart. I'm not giving up at all. I will make it work as soon as I figure out what I want and how I can get it. To quote someone else (wow I'm full of them today eh???):

"Not all those who wander are lost".

Wow...I thought that was deep. A friend of my son that I have on my Facebook page used that as her status this morning. Awesome. That's me. I'm not lost, I'm just wandering a bit. I know at least where I don't want to be...so I'm not completely lost.

I had to look it up to see who said it. You know, give credit where credit is due and all that crap. I really thought I was going to find it was by my main man the Bard. Sighhhh c'mon, you know who I'm talking about? Willie boy? Shakespeare for goodness sakes people! I love that man! Nope, was the little gnome writing about dude Tolkien. I found the whole entire quote and I like another part of it. Here's the whole doggone thing!

"All that is gold does not glitter, not all those who wander are lost; the old that is strong does not wither, deep roots are not reached by the frost. From the ashes a fire shall be woken, a light from the shadows shall spring; renewed shall be the blade that was broken, the crown less again shall be king."

"The old that is strong does not wither, deep roots are not reached by the frost".

We keep at this, we get stronger, when we're faced with temptation, we can succeed. We practice, lay down the roots we need, and we can withstand more.

"From the ashes a fire shall be woken, a light from the shadows shall spring; renewed shall be the blade that was broken,"

Just face a craving, an urge to eat once and beat it. How does that make you feel? Yep, a fire shall be woken all right! Do it twice...build on it....oh ya I feel light springing already!

We can all do this. We just have to find our own way. We have to find our way to stick with things. It's a lot mental that's for sure. Our minds tell us one thing when our bodies need another. We just need to outwit them! Our own personal Survivor. "Outwit, outlast, out play'.

Survivors are you ready?

:-)

I'm carrying 32 extra pounds

It's my grandson Mason!!

This trip has so far exceeded my expectations it's just awesome! How often does that happen? It seems that we get excited about something and plan and look forward to it, that when the event finally happens, it's a let down. Not this time! My trip to Michigan to see my grand babies has been so much better than I could have dreamed! Mason has been giving me kisses and hugs and sitting with me and best of all calling me Gramma! I haven't even seen the other two yet! That's still to come. I'm flying high for sure!

My daughter in law saved a book for me to read that I'm loving also. It's called 'Finally Thin' and so far it's excellent. I'll give you the full review when I'm finished. Said daughter in law just finished college yesterday after taking her final, final exam! Yay she's got a degree! Not only that, she went for an interview yesterday morning and got a job last night! How awesome is that?

Sighhhhhh we're getting ready to go to lunch right now and Tara is getting Mason dressed and I can hear him talking. He's saying 'Gramma!'. Life is so good. So very, very good.

Thanks to Ian for taking this awesome picture(and about 1000 more too!), we bid you adieu!



:-)

I'm leavin on a jet plane!

I am SO off to see my grandbabies tomorrow!

We're driving today to spend the night as our plane leaves bright and early in the morning. I'll be gone for a few weeks. Please don't give up on me!

I'm so far behind on reading blogs it's pathetic. I plan to catch up in Michigan. Again, please don't give up on me. I still love all of you!

I've made some drastic decisions in my life recently. I'll catch you up to speed after Christmas when I can get back on here.

I've cancelled my Weight Watchers membership. HUGE decision.

Please don't give up on me!

GRANDBABIES HERE I COME!!! PREPARE TO BE HUGGED AND KISSED AND LOVED!!!

:-)

Stay the course

Those are words you hear often.

Stick with it for the long haul. It's not an over night thing. You didn't gain it over night you're not going to take it off over night. Sound familiar? Sure it does. Make sense? Of course. Easy to hear/practice/do/act on for 40 years? Hell no!!!

I am having a most difficult time lately as most of you know. My friends want to help. TBM wants to help. Can they? Ah no. Why not? They're not me. They don't know what's in my head, or in my heart. I got an email last week from a well meaning reader. They said I was being lazy. I was being a baby. I needed to suck it up and just get on with it. Thanks. That helped a lot. NOT!

Let me try to explain. Most of you are on some sort of weight loss program. There are different phases as we all know. Let me tell you, the honeymoon is over here! Compare my weight loss journey to a job. You start a job. You work 30 years and then you retire. I began my weight loss journey over 40+ years ago. That's a frick of a long time to do something. I was trying to explain to my friend the other day. He said but you weren't on Weight Watchers all that 40 years. No, correct. My first attempt at Weight Watchers wasn't until 1977. There has never been a year in there anywhere that I wasn't on Weight Watchers for all or part of the year. Not one. So, that's over 33 years right there. I want my pension!!!!!

I want to stress here that I'm not giving up. I'm not throwing in the towel. I'm just trying to explain what is in my heart and my mind. I really believe we all learn from each other here and this is my forum to try to get out there what I can't say with words.

Here are the facts:

The fact is I've lost over 160 pounds and I certainly don't want to gain it back.

The fact is, my Weight Watcher goal is 150 pounds.

The fact, in fact the most important fact is, I'm fine where I'm at right now....for now.

Oh yes, all you ass kickers out there may suck in a breath of disgust. You may tell me to suck it up and pull up my big girl panties. You're wasting your breath. That doesn't work for me. It works when I tell myself that, but not when others tell me that.

The next fact is I'd like to weigh 20 pounds less than I do right now. Just not right now. I really feel that is where I'd be happy for the rest of my life. Yes, 184 pounds would be really fat still. I don't really give a rats ass. I'm not out to impress. I've got flab and rolls that aren't going to go away even if I get to goal weight without surgery. Do I want to face surgery to tuck and tighten? I used to and that's a fact Jack. Right now I'm facing surgery on my hands, both of them. I'm facing surgery on my shoulder. I'm sure I'll be facing surgery on my knees down the road. I'm facing an immanent surgery to hoist up some bladder and bowel parts in the female area. I think that's enough cutting! The fat and flab is just going to have to dangle. I'm OK with that now. I never used to be.

I can just hear some of you saying 'Oh she's making excuses'. Maybe I am. Mostly I'm just trying to get across what I'm feeling. Not an easy task sometimes as you all know.

I'm tired boys and girls. After 40+ years of counting points, weighing and measuring, thinking about every bite that goes into my mouth. I need a new plan. I need to not think of being on my diet or off my diet. I need to quit thinking diet.

I need to not gain back what I lost and that's a must. That's not giving up in my book. The hardest part of losing weight is keeping it off. So, in my book, if I can keep off what I've lost, I'm still fighting the fight.

I'm 51 years old. No, that's not ready for the nursing home yet. It is, however, old enough to enjoy a few things. I want to have a dessert without a panic attack. I want to go to lunch with a friend without either A. being pissed off that they chose a place that wasn't 100% WW friendly, or B. feeling deprived and sorry for myself sitting there with my lettuce leaf and a toothpick while they have a burger. C. I want a glass of wine now and then. Yes, I realize that Weight Watchers gives me those options. Not without a lot of thinking, and writing, and measuring and planning. I want a break from all that. I want to fix a meal and just sit down with a normal portion and enjoy it without first weighing it all out. I just want to be normal. Ya, I know, that probably is a boat that already sailed!!!

I need input here. Ideas. I have some...I need more. Yes, I'm desperate. I need a plan I can live with right now.

When all this was rolling around in my mind yesterday, giving up my blog was the first thing that entered my mind. I mean if I'm not on Weight Watchers, what's the point right? My blog helps me so much. Reading all your blogs helps me tons. More than you'll probably ever know. I take it all in and I learn. I commiserate with some, I hope to encourage some. I just love all you guys! Group hug here! Everyone isn't on Weight Watchers. Some people are just trying to maintain. Some people are holding on by a thread. Raising hand and waving it frantically here!

So, I need a plan of action. I'm still working on it. I have to find something that will keep me from going off the deep end, but with a minimum of thinking. My brain is fried with all this pain crap I'm going through. I need to find a way to deal with that before I can commit back to 100% weight loss. I just do.

Help me with ideas here people. Add to my list...help me make a plan that I can live with and that will work for me. Here's what I've got so far.

Make sure each day includes the following:
3 milk servings
6 fruit and veg servings
whole grains, lean protein, water
3 servings of healthy oil in the form of oil (doh), natural peanut butter, avocado, or almonds.
No hydrogenated oils
no white bread, rice, or pasta...well 99% of the time.

Make sure 3 days a week includes exercise, building to 5 days a week.

I have a few more ideas...but this blog just got way too long. Gotta go tie the knot in my rope.

:-)

Pixie rants

That's right, Fat Daddy isn't the only one that can rant. Oh, he might do it better...but I'm up for the challenge.

You'll have to read about it on my other blog though as it has nothing to do with De-Puffing the Pixie!

Today is my weigh in. Two and a half more hours until I know if all my efforts this week will be rewarded.

The scale can be my friend, or it can be my mortal enemy. Oh, I tell myself that I won't give the scale the power to play with my emotions. I lie. It has a power beyond comprehension. Sometimes I toy with the thought of weighing only once a month. I don't think I could do that. I think I need the accountability of a weekly weigh.

Something happened a while back that I've been thinking about ever since. Some of you might remember I went on a girls get away with my very good friend Mary K. We went to Clearwater beach and stayed at the awesome Hilton for 2 days. Swimming pools, jacuzzi, ocean, cabana boys...oops how did that get in there? We had a fabulous time. I took healthy snacks and had a plan. Part of my plan was to attend my Weight Watcher meeting while I was there. We got up that first morning and had coffee and chatted. I love cookies with my coffee, always have. I enjoyed a fiber one bar instead. They are so good and chocolatey, a real treat. I had my WW yogurt and Special K high protein cereal. We got dressed and off we went to the meeting.

I had done awesome that week and was excited to step on the scale. The lady said 'you're up a little'. My heart crashed to my toes. How could that be? I was on program. I exercised. I was a good girl. I pretended it didn't bother me. It did. A lot. I slunk to my seat and peeked into my book and saw a 1.2 pound gain. I was gutted.

I'm sure you can all see where this is going and how the sad tale ended. I gave up. I was on holiday and I was going to enjoy. I ate crab. All you can eat crab. I can eat a lot. I ate a lot of other things too. We came home after 2 days, but the bad attitude came with me. I ate for the rest of the week. I said screw it, it's not worth the effort, and I ate the following week too. I went to my WW meeting 2 weeks later fatter and bloated. I gained 10.2 pounds that week.

Now, the crux of the situation. There's always a crux you know?

I didn't gain 1.2 pounds at all! Upon looking at my book at a later date, I noticed the error. I weighed 198.6 the week before our trip. When I weighed in at that meeting that fateful day, I weighed 197.4. Somehow, the computer wrote + 1.2 instead of -1.2. An error...a freaking error.

This has stayed with me all that time. What would have happened if the computer spit out the sticker that said I'd lost 1.2? Would I have continued on my healthy plan and prevented the eating frenzy? Probably.

Wow, that's a lot of power I'm giving to a scale.

I rarely weigh myself between my official WW weigh ins. I know how weight can fluctuate. It's not worth the mental angst for me to weigh daily. My main problem with this is my weight seems to dip mid week and then raise a bit before the week is out. So, if I weigh myself on Sunday and it shows I'm down a few pounds...I'll think 'ohhhhh by Tuesday I should be down some more'!!! It doesn't happen that way with me. Tuesday I'll hop on the scale expecting more than I saw on Sunday and it's always less so I'm disappointed. I might have lost, but it's less than what I thought, so it's not good. I learned from that, and like I said, I rarely weigh myself during the week because of that.

I was feeling quite thin the other day so I hopped on the scale. I was up 2 pounds. Gutted? Yep. I flew out of the bathroom and took out my frustration on Ian. I screeched even. 'I DON'T KNOW WHY I BOTHER TO BE GOOD IF I'M GOING TO GAIN WEIGHT ANYWAY!!! I MIGHT AS WELL EAT WHAT I WANT AND ENJOY THE GAIN!!' I then stormed out of the house leaving him to scratch his head and wonder what the hell that was all about.

I managed to bitch slap myself into submission and get hold of the situation. I told myself that I KNOW the scale goes up and down and chastised myself heartily for getting on the beast mid week. I reminded myself of the 1.2 pound gain/loss fiasco and told myself that the week wasn't over and the fat lady wasn't singing just yet. I stayed on program. It was hard and it all could have been avoided by not getting on the stupid scale in the first place!

It's not practical for me to say I'm not going to get on the scale ever again. It is unfortunately how I choose to measure my success. Not the only way of course, but the tangible way. The way that will allow me to reach my WW goal and be able to attend meetings free for the rest of my life. I need those meetings, so the scale and I must learn to play nicey nicey.

Sometimes I hate it. Sometimes I love it. We're in a rocky relationship for sure, but we're in it for the long haul. I am learning to not give it the power. I won this week. Doing things once makes it easier to repeat. I pray that it will be good to me today in a few hours. If not, I'll kick it up a notch and hope for a better outcome next week. I'm nothing if not stubborn!

:-)

Thinking thoughts

Goals. Mantras. Mindset. Sex.

Oh OK, so that last one isn't supposed to be in there....what's a Pixie to do?

I realized yesterday I don't have a goal anymore. I said I was going to think about it yesterday, but oops. That didn't happen. I'm doing it now. Right here in front of you. Yep, I'm thinking on the fly as I type!

I had goals before. I reached them all. I think for me, it has to be in the semantics. One of my goals was to get under 200. I did. It lasted one week. In fact, I did it twice. Once back in the 90's and again this summer. Sometimes I'm so thick.

My goals have changed. My goal before was to reach my 'goal weight'. WW says that's about 140ish. If I stand real tall and wear big hair, it could be 150. I'm 5'4&1/2. 5'5 lets me be OK at 150...so of course, 150 is what I chose. Not so much anymore. I don't desire to weigh 150. Maybe that's why I'm having so much trouble right now. I know I don't care about 150...so what do I want?

If I don't have a goal to shoot for, all my effort is just that. Effort.

I'm goal orientated. I strive to reach a goal and am willing to work hard to get there. To do something without a goal is just doing it. It's trudgery(I'm submitting it to Webster as we speak) and just plain hard work for no reward at the end.

It's a glorified list and you all know I'm the queen of list making!!!!

I also know for a fact I need mini goals. One huge race to the finish isn't Pixies game. I get bored in the middle and want to lay down and take a nap instead of sprint to the finish.

I also know I need an end goal. I learned that the hard way. That's going to be the sticky part as like I said, I'm not interested in reaching 150 anymore I don't think. I just want to be comfortable in my skin. I want to be healthy. I want to be kinda fit.

I've come a long way. My goals have become fuzzy...hell they've disappeared. My journey is now a trod. Who wants to trod when you can run? Not me.

So, without further ado. My goals.

Short term goals:

1. Get under 200 pounds AND STAY THERE FOR FRICK SAKE!
a. There, it's now written Rosanna. It shall be done.
b. My goal is to keep this body under 200 pounds all of 2010. What a concept!
c. Crap that means I need to GET under 200 before 2010!!!
2. Exercise 3 days a week for 30 minutes each.
a. Gotta start somewhere.

That's it. Bet you thought there would be more. Bet you thought they'd be earth shaking and news worthy. Nope, short, sweet, do-able and sustainable is what I was shooting for here!

Yo-yo dieting isn't good for the bod. So, let's get this gelatinous heap under 200 and keep it there. We can go further after that. Need to reach one goal before I can start the next!

Long term goals:

1. Weigh 168 pounds AND STAY THERE.
a. No longer obese. 'Just' overweight.
b. That will be my 200 pounds off. Nice round number.
2. Exercise 5 days a week for 40-60 minutes each.
a. Should be sustainable.

I think this is going to do it for now. I can't overwhelm myself. I'm too old for that shit. I just want to be comfortable. My biggest change with these goals and all the ones I've made in the past is with the addition of the words 'AND STAY THERE'! That would be a true goal...get there and stay there. When I reach these goals and they become sustainable, I can re-evaluate then. It ain't over til it's over!

My Mantra has just popped into my head.

Do what it takes.

My mantra will play out like this:
Debby wants chocolate. Debby will immediately say mantra to herself. 'Do what it takes'. Debby still wants chocolate. Debby will now say mantra out loud. 'Do what it takes'. Debby still wants chocolate. Debby now will be firm and say out loud, 'Do what it takes. Is this what it takes? I thought not. Step away from the frickin chocolate and get a hold of yourself you spineless bitch'. Ya, I can get tough with myself like that!!! Sometimes it works and sometimes I get pissed off and eat despite myself. Go figure!

Do what it takes.

:-)

Are you a ripper?

When you have a bandage that needs removing, are you a 'rip it off fast' kind of person? Or, are you like me, the 'work it off slowly and gently' type?

I was reading a most excellent blog this morning. I didn't enjoy reading it as it was telling me things I didn't really want to hear. Ya, ya, call me an ostrich, I don't really care!

Susan was blogging about food addiction and a way to overcome it. A way that I didn't like, and I certainly didn't want to hear. She has cut out all the foods that trigger her into over eating from her diet. Wow...talk about radical eh? She's given up moderation as that didn't work for her. Ultimately we all have to find what works for us and what doesn't. Trial and error.

Will I do that? Probably not. Would I like to? You bet. Wouldn't it be awesome to sail through a day and not fight with yourself about what you will or will not eat? I mean really, how cool it would be to crave say, oh I don't know, MAC AND CHEESE MAYBE??? Then just tell yourself, oh my, I can't crave that as I don't eat cheese anymore. Silly me. Then, magically have the craving go away! Yes, give me the pen and I'll be signing on the dotted line for sure!

I was overwhelmed reading Susan's blog. Thinking I'm so glad it worked for her but it's just too much for me. I can't possibly do that, I don't even want to. I'm too old to change. Then I realized I have changed a little.

I've cut out white pasta and white rice from my diet. Rip.

I've cut out all hydrogenated oils. Yes, that's right, no cool whip for this Pixie. No Coffee Mate either and believe me that was difficult to give up. I don't miss it at all. Not one little bit, not even a smidge. I use powdered milk in my coffee now. I get half a milk serving, I'm not poisoning my body with trans fats, and I feel good about it. Rip.

So, maybe I'm just a little slower than most. Maybe I can cut out the bad stuff from my diet and not go back to it. Maybe I just approach dieting like I do taking a bandage off. I don't rip that sucker off, I peel it ever so slowly and gently.

Maybe I need to focus on one thing. One thing that gives me problems and makes me crazy. Get rid of that one thing until I don't miss it anymore at all, and then move on to something else. Rip.

That one thing doesn't have to be a food item either. It could be a bad habit. Anything we do to improve our lives has to be good right? Even if it doesn't have to do with our diet, it could still affect our diet outcome. Just knowing that you can do something, conquer something, could make it easier to tackle the next problem.

I've been feeling overwhelmed lately as you all know. I read Susan's blog and half way through I felt like a real failure. Then I kept reading. I realized that I am doing something and something is better than nothing. Go me! I need to find the positive in every situation. I don't like negative.

I'm going to sit down today and make some goals for my life. The sun is shining and I'm happy.

Maybe, just maybe, a little more of that bandage will give today.

:-)

The hardest thing in my life

has been trying to lose weight and keep what I've managed to lose off.

Yep, it has been.

I'm feeling very deprived right now. I'm craving things I shouldn't have. I want freedom from the planning. I'm hungry. Really hungry, not just urges or cravings. I went to bed early the last two nights as I was just out and out hungry and I couldn't face feeling like that any longer. I want to feel like a normal person. You know, the person who eats what their body needs and doesn't think about food all day long? The person that says 'Oh I want some chocolate so bad', and then has one piece and is satisfied. I'm not that person but I sure wish I could be. My friend keeps 2 jars of chocolate on her coffee table. M & M's mind you...and she doesn't eat them all daily! How the hell does she do that??? I guess I'm just wired differently. I'd like to be the person that sits down to dinner very hungry and eats until she's satisfied. I'm not that person. I sit down to dinner hungry and I usually finish dinner hungry.

I want 'real' food. I love trying new recipes. I want food that tastes good. I don't want food that tastes slimmed down. I want it to BE slimmed down, I just don't want it to taste that way.

I need to find some different veg I like to help bulk up my meals. I need to find a breakfast that will fill me up. People eat oatmeal and say it sticks with them for hours. I even switched to steel cut oats...I eat the whole serving and am still hungry. Yes, I do put fruit in it. I just want my tummy to be not empty for once!!!!

Maybe I'm so used to being full I just don't understand satisfied.

My mind is pretty much always on food. I'm planning it, eating it, wanting to eat it, fighting myself from eating it...get the drift? I'm not sure how to get food off my mind.

When I'm not following a weight loss program I don't think about food all the time. I know I don't have to. I can wait until I get hungry and grab anything to eat. Anything good that is. I'd rather go hungry than eat something icky. Problem with all that is when I'm not on a weight loss program I gain weight. A lot of weight. A freaking lot of weight!

So, my options are to think about food all day long & feel deprived, or don't think about food and gain weight. That sucks.

Perhaps I'm in the 'oh poor me' mode. I just am having such a hard time getting back in the groove. Oh, I'm in it, but I want to jump track about 40 times a day if not more! It's hard when you have to fight yourself like that. I'm so envious of all you out there that are rolling along a lot more smoothly than I am. I think it's because I've been at it for so many years. I'm freaking tired of it! I don't like being forced into things and I'm forced into this. If I don't do this I'll weigh 400 pounds again. I do not want that. In fact, I'm not happy with 200 pounds. I was under that until I quit thinking about food for a few weeks a few weeks ago!

I smoked 4 packs of cigarettes a day and quit. Oh sure, it took me more than one try, but I did quit and I won't go back. I can't even tell you when I finally quit for good. I think it was over 10 years ago. I don't want a cigarette right now. I sure want some bacon, mac & cheese, lasagna, biscuits with butter and honey, fried eggs, and the list goes on.

I'm going on a 10 day road trip in a few weeks. I'm going to see all my grand babies and get love and snuggles that I so desperately need. What's mainly on my mind? Food of course. I want Chinese and Buccilli's when I'm home. Not bad out of 10 days you might think. What about the other 8? How will I keep myself from chucking it all in and eating all my favorite road snacks? What? You don't have favorite road snacks? Pfffft what's a road trip without Frito's???? OMG I'm scared to death that I'll gain a ton on this 10 day journey. I so desperately don't want to. I want to be in control...I just don't know how. I just know the trip will include fast food places. I know they all have salad, but that doesn't fill even a portion of the hole. What am I going to eat on this freaking trip to ensure I don't gain 20 pounds???

I started 2009 at 214.2 pounds. So, I'm roughly 10 pounds less than I was at the beginning of the year. My goal is to lose some each year. This 10 day road trip could easily derail that wish. I can't stay on program eating fast food on the road, but that's what's affordable and quick and where my traveling partner will want to go. I need a plan for sure. I gained 12.8 pounds in 2 weeks this summer. Oh, I've got gaining down to a fine art! I've only had one year ever that I gained more than I lost and I hate thinking about it. It's gnawed at my insides constantly and I swore it would never happen again. It's close to that now....so why can't I just get my act together? What the hell is wrong with me????

That is all.

:-)

Getting creative

Yep, look at me getting all creative even before my coffee is finished!!!

Here's the scoop.

I gained .6 pounds last week. Pissed me off. Could have of course been worse. So, Pixie needed a plan as usual.

Got up this morning and made a few daily goals for myself. Simple, but hopefully enough to give my day some structure and give me something to shoot for and then a feeling of accomplishment when I'm finished.

They were:
1. Plan my food for the whole day and eat everything I've planned.
2. Decorate the tin box for Christmas.
3. Walk my whole 3K route I mapped out for myself.
4. Make and hang one set of curtains for the living room.
5. Tidy something, anything!

Not too bad really...got all day to do it in. How does the getting creative come in? Well, with my meal planning. Took me over half an hour to figure it all out this morning.

I don't like veg as you all know so I have to find ways to get it in. When I'm planning my meals I usually plan in the veg/fruit/milk & healthy oils first and then build around them. If I don't plan them in, I won't eat them.

I'm over 50 now so need 3 milks a day. That's 6 points if I drink milk which is a freaking lot of my points! I usually opt for Weight Watchers yogurt. It is only 1 point and it fulfills a milk requirement. It's good too...so a win win. I drink powdered milk in my coffee every morning also. As you probably know I've cut hydrogenated oils from my diet as they're bad mojo. All coffee creamer powders have hydrogenated oil. I loved my coffee mate, but I gave it up. I don't like skim milk in my coffee or any fat free liquid creamers. They cool my coffee down and I just don't like them. I found an awesome substitute in plain old powdered milk. Oh, the first time I tried it I wasn't happy. I love it now and it's 1/2 of a milk requirement for me to boot! I use 1/4 cup of the powder in my 4 cups of coffee every morning. Another win win swap for the Pixie...the creative Pixie!

So, today I planned my food. I started with a new recipe for dinner. Put it through the recipe builder and it came to 8 points. A lot really, but I started planning around that anyway. By the time I got everything in, I was well over my daily points. Time to start cutting stuff out.

I went back to the recipe and looked for ways to lighten it up. I did. From 8 points to 5 points! Wow!!!

I was going to have tuna for lunch. That was 3 points. I changed it to 2 ounces of shrimp instead for 1 point. Woohooo that let me add peanut butter to my breakfast. Man this is getting fun now!

I had a whole banana planned with my breakfast. Cut that to half a banana and added some of my awesome FAF for a treat sometime today.

With all my cuts and jiggying around, I went from being 5 points over on the day to 2 points under! I like to leave a few points to play with as I ALWAYS want a treat at night. If I don't allow for that, I'll go over on my points. I can't plan my treat now as I don't know what I want. Usually popcorn or pretzels...but ya never know! So, here it is only 7am and I've got all my food planned. I've got my daily activities planned too.

Now, it's written, just gotta follow through. I think it's easier to follow through when it's written.

I'm going to share my food plan for today as looking at it, it looks like a ton of food and it makes me happy!

Breakfast:
4T powdered milk for coffee -1
1 Weight Watcher yogurt
1/2 banana & 1/2 cup frozen strawberries(0) with Splenda-1
1 whole wheat english muffin-2
1T peanut butter-2
Total: 6 points

Lunch:
lettuce-0
2T Bolthouse blue cheese dressing- 1
shredded carrots-0
2 ounces shrimp- 1
whole wheat pita-2
1 teaspoon olive oil-1 (going to bake the pita with the olive oil and garlic so I have pita chips)
1/2 cup fat free cottage cheese- 1.5
Total points: 6.5

Dinner:
Whole wheat pasta with baby spinach, sausage, and cannellini beans- 5
sugar free jell-o with diced peaches- 0
1/2 cup strawberries with splenda and 1T fat free Reddi Whip-0

Snacks:
FAF- 2
Weight Watchers yogurt with 1/4 cup all bran buds- 1.5
Total: 3.5

How's that for creative????

:-)

If it makes my life easier

I want it.

My kitchen here is the size of a postage stamp. It's not a lot of fun cooking for one person. Sometimes I want something simple, but still filling and tasty. So, quick, easy, tasty, hmmmmmmmm.

At my WW meeting a few weeks ago, a lady from my park said she had a recipe for soup that her husband even likes. I love soup, though it usually takes me hours to make a pot. Want it tasty remember? I just made her soup. It was filling, tasty, easy as hell, and 2 points a serving. What an excellent thing to have before a meal to curb your appetite. For me, it was my lunch as I needed something light because I want to do my walk soon. It wasn't all that light though as I'm full right now.

Here you go....

8 CAN SOUP

1 can hormel turkey chili no beans
1 can hormel turkey chili with beans
1 can green beans
1 can mixed vegetables
1 can Rotel tomatoes
1 can diced tomatoes
1 can diced potatoes
1 can corn

That's it. Dump it in a pot and you have soup. I made 10 2 point servings out of it for about 1-1/4 cup each. I didn't drain the cans as I couldn't remember what she said. It tasted pretty good so I'm guessing don't drain the cans. I didn't even heat it before dividing it into 10 servings. After I was all done dividing, I put my one serving in a pan and heated just that.

How easy is that???? Thank you Joann!!!

:-)

I think I'd like to be a banana

Are you an apple or a pear?

I'm sure all of you have read countless articles about what shape your body is in. Apple shapes tend to do this and suffer from that. Pear shapes have this problem and that health concern.

I always assumed I was an apple...I was fat all over, what the heck else could I be?

I also always planned on having a tummy tuck when I lost all the weight I wanted to lose. I mean really, I've got 50 years of excess skin here folks! I also planned on having a breast lift or whatever you call a boob job. I wanted perky boobies. I've been fat since I was 6 years old...my boobies have never been perky! Of course I wanted my arms done too. All my life I've never been able to wear sleeveless shirts. I'd love to wear little cap sleeves or something similar. I've got more arm skin and fat swinging there than a Chinese trapeze act! You'll notice that's all in the past tense.

I have a girlfriend who is definitely a pear. She had gastric bypass surgery and lost a ton of weight. She then had a tummy tuck. I talked to her on the phone and she was so excited as she could see her feet while standing for the first time in ages. Several weeks later, we got together. I was actually shocked by what I saw. I didn't notice her flat belly at all. I noticed her huge rear end and thighs. She looked like she was wearing those pants that a circus ring leader wears. I'm not being catty here, just stating the facts. She's since gained back a lot of her weight which is sad.

I noticed the other day while standing naked in front of the mirror looking for signs of skin cancer on my back (as you do), that I'm a pear! All my life I thought I was an apple. Nope, I'm a pear. My ass is as big as Texas and my thighs could make fire on Survivor if they rubbed together. I've got a waist which I never had before and am not sure when it appeared, but it did. Who knew?

So, what does this fruity epiphany mean to me?

It means that I probably won't get a tummy tuck unless my hiney and thighs get a lot smaller. I don't want to look like a circus freak.

It means I changed my mind on the boob job when I read how they do it. When something begins with 'we remove the nipple and set it aside', I tend to think 'um no way Jose!!' I'll find a killer bra that makes the girls look fantabulous!

It means I'd still like my arms done. That would be something that would let me wear cute tops that would hide the other body flaws. It's a win win I think!

It means I think I'd like to be a banana. Kind of equal all the way down! No big middle, no big hiney, just nice and smooth all the way from top to bottom. I can't be a banana though, so I'll just be happy being the pear I am.

Pears are sweet and soft and they're nice to nibble.

Be happy with the skin you're in. That's what I'm going to do.

:-)

He always sings jazzy music to his cattle

as he swings back and forth in his saddle.

That's right, Pixie is back in the saddle after Thanksgiving. Who the hell knew I could do it? Yes, the day is young and it's very hard already, but I have confidence I can do it. I can learn that 1 or 2 days of unfettered eating doesn't have to turn into a week every single time. Holy moly, old dog, new trick!!

OK, so it's supposed to be 'raggy' and not 'jazzy', but my Mama taught me jazzy. I suppose you youngins don't have a rats ass idea what I'm going on about here...so I'll clue you in. It's a song my Mama and I used to sing on car trips. Wrong I've found as I've just googled the lyrics!

This is how it's supposed to be. You can listen to it here though it's not quite the same beat even that Mama and I used to sing it. You'll get the drift though.


He al-ways sings rag-gy mu-sic to the cat-tle
As he swings back and for-ward in the sad-dle
On a horse that is syn-co-pat-ed, gait-ed,
And there's such a fun-ny me-ter to the roar of his re-peat-er
How they run when hear that fel-low's gun
Because the West-ern folks all know
He's a high-fa-lut-ing, scoot-ing, shoot-ing
Son-of-a-gun from ar-iz-o-na Rag-time Cow Boy Joe.

This is how Mama and I used to sing it:

He always sings jazzy music to his cattle,
as he swings back and forth in his saddle,
on a horse a great big horse, in a syncopated seater,
and it's such a funny meter to the roar of his repeater,
how they run when they hear that fellows gun,
cuz the western folk all know,
he's a high falutin, rootin, tootin, son of a gun from Arizona,
Rag time cowboy, talk about your cowboy, ragtime cowboy Joe!

What does this have to do with losing weight? Not a darn thing. Just a memory I have that makes me smile.

Memory lane...a nice place to visit sometimes.

Sometimes memory lane lets us do things we really shouldn't. In the past, Thanksgiving was always a week of bad eating. I remember that and think I have to keep doing it. No, I don't. Christmas also. Memory lane says I get candy and cookies and I must eat them for a week or two. No, I don't.

We had a lovely Thanksgiving with our friends. We ate, drank, and definitely were merry. Friday I had more pie, a big fat ham sandwich on a homemade bun and some other stuff too. Today, when normally I'd continue the eating frenzy, I'm back on program. I've got all my meals planned for today. Oh it'll be tough sticking to the plan as it's not something I'm used to. It's not something I want to do. It's not my memory. I'm trying to install a new memory chip. Make a new routine.

I think with a lot of self talk I can do it. I bet we all could. I want to learn to enjoy a special day WITH it's special food treats and not think it means I have to keep eating special treats for the next week or month. I want to bring the special back into special. Pumpkin pie is special...one slice once in a while. Not a whole pie from Sam's when ever I want. Have you even seen the size of the pumpkin pies Sam's makes??? They're huge!! They're also very good and TBM and I ate a whole one in 2 days earlier this fall. NOOOOOO that wasn't special. That was gluttony. OK, so gluttony is my favorite of the 7 deadlies...but still!

So, I could keep eating today....but then it wouldn't be special anymore.

All together now....

As we swing back and forth in our saddles!!!!

:-)

Happy Thanksgiving!

I hope your holiday is wonderful and I hope you gain nary a pound. I'm not going to be sappy here and tell you what I'm thankful for. Know that the list is long, and take a minute to ponder the gifts you have in your life.

Now, hello my friends! It's been a while since I've posted. That sounded rather like a confession didn't it? Bless me Father for I have sinned. It's been X days since my last post! I've been OP all that time FYI! I even walked once. I had a very successful weigh in last Tuesday. I lost 6.4 pounds. Still many pounds over where I was, but a chunk of that gained fat is gone. I don't miss it either! Moreover, I plan on losing this week also. Yep, that's right, Pixie plans to lose weight Thanksgiving week! Does she plan to be a saint today and not nosh on the goodies? Hell no. I plan to enjoy today and all the merriment and treats it brings. Today. Today. Today. Tomorrow I shall be 100% back OP. Yes indeed I shall. I even plan on getting a brisk walk in today...somewhere between making apple crumb pie, homemade rolls, sinful mashed potatoes, and pumpkin pie. Maybe I should go right now!

I went shopping last week and was so impressed with my finds I took a picture TJ style. So many of you talk of the foods you eat all the time and I just can't find it here. I found a lot of good stuff last week and here it is.



I've got 2 WW recipes for cranberry sauce to try on those bags of fresh cranberries. I made one yesterday in fact and it was pretty good. I think I'll like the cooked one better, and Den thinks the one I made yesterday will be even better today. Yesterday's was just grind up the bag of cranberries, toss in a whole orange in chunks and grind that up too. Add a chunk of fresh ginger and grind that. Toss in some cinnamon and 1 cup of Splenda and voila, cranberry salad. It was crunchier than I like, but Den liked it. I'll let you know how the cooked one turns out. It has no sugar or Splenda at all in it.

I made a lovely salad out of the goodies you see and had a fabby lunch. I tried the blue cheese dressing that TJ spoke of and it's nice. It's thinner than most but that just made it coat the lettuce better. Here is my lunch that day. Those are chocolate powdered almonds you see in the small bowl. I like the crunch of nuts on my salad and I've got a HUGE container of those I got at Sam's. I usually use roasted almonds, but hey...toss on what you have right?



I made some pita pizzas too. They were awesome, but too cheesy. I'd cut the cheese in half next time. I wanted quantity so I cut the pita's in half so I had 2 full circles and the crust would be thinner and crispier. I sprayed them with a few spritzes of olive oil and toasted them in the toaster oven for about 5-8 minutes. I then topped them with 0 point pasta sauce and mozzarella cheese. No, not fat free. Just lovely part skim 'real' pizza cheese. They were nummy and only 5 points for the whole 2 pizza's. Like I said, next time I'd cut the cheese in half and maybe add some ham and olives and fresh mushrooms. Those of you that like veg could pile these puppies high and have a really filling meal! Here they are on my lovely little pampered chef toaster oven stone. I love that darn thing!



I went out to dinner with friends one night also. Thai if you please. I chose the steamed dumplings. It is so nice to be able to go to real places with really great friends and not feel like you have to sit there and drink water. I love Weight Watchers!!! They had an appetizer and here they are toasting their oompa loompa colored chicken satay! Shoot, no pics of them as I forgot to ask if it was OK to use them. Well, picture two awesome people holding orange colored chicken over a tiny little cast iron flaming pot! Clair read the blog and said it was OK to post after all...so here they are! If you read this yesterday, you didn't get to see the pics. Oops!

This is Clair toasting his bird.



Here's Mary with her chicken on a stick.



I'm off here to start making my homemade rolls. When they're raising I'm going to start the apple crumb pie. The pumpkin pie is already in the fridge. I'll make the mashed potatoes just before we head over to our wonderful friends home for a lovely meal. Yes, they will have butter in them. Copious amount if you must know!

I'll tell you one thing I'm truly thankful for today, well many actually. I'm thankful for my many friends. I'm thinking of my very good friend Marty right now. If it weren't only 7am I'd pop over for a cup of coffee! Perhaps that's where I should take my walk today eh? I hope you all have a beautiful, blessed day today.

:-)

Happy New Year!!!

We're entering into that season of joy. Halloween is past, Thanksgiving is next week(if you're American), Christmas a month later, and then the ever looming New Year.

New Year, you know that day. The day to make resolutions to change the rest of your life. Ya right and, oh crap where did I leave my ruby slippers and my wand?

Not so fast Toto. I've heard people for years say New Years resolutions just set you up to fail. Why? I mean really, aren't our diet plans just mini resolutions every day? What's wrong with setting some awesome goals for the new year? Not a damn thing as far as I'm concerned. One tiny flaw in the ointment is if you're waiting for the new year to start your new plan. Why wait? Make those resolutions now and get a head start! Better yet, did you make some last year? It's not too late to start working on them. So what if you don't do all you said you would? Doing some, trying, starting, is better than doing nothing at all!

I was reading Susan's blog this morning and I really got a lot out of it. Some things that maybe I didn't want to get out of it. Things like I probably am addicted to food and I've a compulsive nature. Everything I do, I do to excess....I'm sure that means something deep, dark, and sinister to all you therapists out there. Glad I don't listen to you! As I've mentioned before, I don't do the therapy scene. I'm a suck it up Buttercup, and pull up your big girl panties kind of girl. I'd much rather tell myself I'm greedy, selfish, and lazy, rather than addicted, compulsive, and apathetic. It's all in the words for me. I can sum myself up pretty well with the following sentence. Pixie is a hedonistic, tenacious, demonstrative, freakishly happy gal. I'd like to have ethical or moral in there too....I try, but don't always earn that adjective. I do try though.

The biggest thing I got out of Susan's blog was a plan. No, she didn't give me one, she said I needed one. She's right. I made a plan yesterday for the next week. I need one for the next month as well. I need a plan that is going to get me through New Years Day and beyond.

That's right boys and girls, I made a plan yesterday. TBM and I have promised to be 'good' until Thanksgiving day. We will allow ourselves to feast that day and the day after (gotta have a turkey sannie on homemade bread the next day!) and Saturday, right back on program. I know many of you are saying NOOOOOOO you can be good on Thanksgiving. Sure I can. I'm not going to. I would be like an IED (or an IUD if you're my friend Ian!) and dangerous to be around. I want some mashed potatoes and gravy and some pumpkin pie and some homemade rolls with butter. I want a turkey sandwich with cranberry sauce the next day too. I also want the courage to get right back on program Saturday! God grant me that please!

Last year I gained more than I lost. That's right, January 1, 2009 found me heavier than I was January 1, 2008(26.4 pounds heavier if you're wondering!!!). I do NOT want another year like that ever! I promised myself I would NEVER do that again. I forgot about my New Years resolution and was well on my way to a 2009 gain. I'm so grateful to Susan for reminding me that I need a plan, moreover that I HAD a plan. I'm proud to say it's not too late for me. January 1 of 2009 found me at 214.2. Yesterday I weighed in at 209.6, so if I listen to myself and 'suck it up Buttercup', I can end 2009 less than I began it. That's my goal. I'm not in a foot race here...I just want to reach the finish line.

I think I see that yellow tape now.....

:-)

What's the matter? Scared?

Ever get that childhood taunt? I did. I remember once we were all going to climb 'the big tree'. I just couldn't get past the first branch and my friend said that to me. I remember being petrified. I did, however, climb the tree.

So, what's the matter with me and not getting on program? Scared? Perhaps. Lazy? Definitely. Does it go deeper? Dunno, and as therapy will never be in my future, I may never find out. My idea of therapy is telling myself 'snap out of it'.

I had an awesome childhood. Relatively OK adolescence. I was your typical fat girl. No boyfriends of course. I had 2 faboulous best girl friends though, and managed to have a lot of fun in high school. I was in the drama club (I became a Thespian don't you know!), Spanish club, ski club (probably more stuff I just can't remember right now! I was active in girl scouts. My best friend and I became lifeguards. We went ice skating a lot in the winter. We did a lot of stuff. I laughed a lot.

Always in the back of my mind was the boy though. I wanted one. I was a great girl. Losers didn't figure that out. I remember one of the most jarring moments of my youth. I was probably in 8th grade. Catholic school no less. I was in love with Joe Weglarz. I was talking to my Mom about this...probably planning our wedding ya know? My Mom was probably trying to let me down gently as she made some comment....I don't remember now what that was...something about him probably not liking me I'm sure. I remember the rest clearely. I said 'He's fat too Mom!'. Mama said the words then I'll never forget. "Even fat boys don't like fat girls". Cruel? Maybe. True? You bet your ass.

There were some things she didn't tell me that she should have. Thank God I had the self confidence needed to figure it out on my own. If you're a young reader here, and you're fat, keep your dignity. Don't give your body to a boy hoping he'll like you. He won't. He'll do you, carve the notch in his belt, and move on. Do you want that preying on your mind? Hell no you don't. You're worth more. I knew that thank God. I wanted a boyfriend more than anything but I wasn't willing to sacrifice my values or morals to get one. Doing that woudln't have got me a boyfriend anyway. It would have got me the lable of 'cheap whore'. NOT a label I'd want to wear. I'm glad I figured that out on my own before the damage was done! If the damage has been done, stop it now. Declare yourself perfect and save yourself for someone that deserves you. You are worth it, you really are.

WTF???? This blog was NOT supposed to go here...it was supposed to delve into why I'm not on program and what I can do to get myself there and what the hell is wrong with me. I guess that'll have to be another day.

I'm going to my WI today. I'm not going to WI I don't think. I'm up a good 8-10 pounds. My friend asked me yesterday when I was going to get back OP. I said I didn't know. I was thinking after Thanksgiving....now I'm thinking why wait? Scared? Yep. Lazy? Yep. I think maybe it should be tomorrow instead of after Thanksgiving. My heart started beating faster when I typed that.

Guess that's a sign eh?

:-)

Are you a nibbler

or a popper?

When you have a treat, do you nibble at it and enjoy it? Or, do you take a big hand full and pop it into your mouth?

Think popcorn or M & M's here. Just now, while enjoying a funsize bag of M & M's, I noticed I'm a popper. A shoveler even. There are only about 6 M & M's in the whole frigging bag and I dumped some into my hand and they all went into my mouth at once. I do the same with popcorn which is my second favorite food in the whole wide world after bacon. I take a hand full and shovel it into my mouth. I wonder why?

Why, if I have a treat, do I feel the need to shovel instead of savor? Wouldn't those M & M's and that popcorn last longer if I ate them one at a time? Wouldn't I enjoy them more if I took time to savor them?

My friend keeps telling me (OK 3 times in our history together so I guess it's not 'keeps'...but obviously it struck a nerve)that when I'm eating something like chips, pretzels, or crackers, I have my hand in the bag getting the next one ready before I've finished the one I have in my mouth. He's right. I do. Not sure why. I know nobody is going to take it away from me. I mean face it, does it look like anyone has EVER taken food away from me? It's not that I'm in a rush to eat and have to get it in fast. I just don't know why I do that. Habit I'm guessing. A habit I need to break.

Perhaps if I was a nibbler, not only would my food last longer, I'd eat less. Never know...it's definitely worth a try.

Something for me to think about in the coming week. Perhaps something for you to think about also.

:-)

Eat me

Damn that fairy.

What? Doesn't the 'eat me' fairy come to your house? Crap, if not, give me your address so she'll leave me the hell alone for one day!

I got up yesterday with all good intentions. I had my meals planned, I was prepared. I even knew when I was going to eat as I had a full day. Ya, so let me tell you how that worked for me k?

I spent too much time having coffee and chatting to actually eat my planned breakfast before my drama club meeting. I had 29g of cereal with a WW yogurt and dashed out the door. I planned on having the 1 cup of mixed berries when I got home. Ya, OK so that didn't happen either.

I got home an hour or so later and Den was just leaving to help people move a table with our truck and I got doing things. I was going to have some sliced turkey with 2 tablespoons of cranberry sauce in a whole wheat pita for lunch. Also some homemade veg soup and I can't remember what else, but it was all planned. I saw the can of Pringles and they called me. Assholes. I ate them.

I dashed off to Mah Jongg and of course was starving. Pringles are lovely, but they're not filling. I play MJ for 2.5 hours and there was no time to eat when I got back as I had a hand therapy appointment immediately.

Ian and Den had got home from town with the truck with Ian's new bed in it a few minutes before I got home. They were met at the door by a lady with a brochure for the murals in Lake Placid. If she's reading this, please email me as we would like to know where she got it as someone else wants one. Email is in my profile of course.

Oh speaking of the murals in Lake Placid, I got my new birthday camera from Ian!!! I love it. It's small and PINK! It just needs a small bag to slip it into now so the display doesn't get scratched. Hint, hint, hint! It fits in my purse which is also small and I carry it everywhere with me now. It's so cool! Sorry, just had to get that in.

I went to hand therapy at 4. They heated me up and electrocuted me for 20 minutes, ultrasound with hydro cortisone cream for 5 minutes each finger, massaged the tendons of the 6 fingers that won't play nice, used some sort of phallic ice tool to ice down each tendon, and oh yes, bent the thumb backwards until they heard it snap and it touched the back of my wrist. OK, so they didn't actually make it snap, but it felt like it!

Came home from that and just said screw it. We're going out to dinner. Olive Garden of course.

I just don't understand where my mind goes when this happens. I won't quit trying to figure it out and prevent it. I know that I'll not bring Pringles into the house again! Crackers either. I love cheese and crackers and if they're here, I want to eat them. So, no more. I'm OK with candy. I can have that in the fridge and eat just 1 small piece. At least I'm learning eh???

I'm a stubborn old bird.

:-)

Veteran's Day

This is my nephew Patrick. The good looking guy on the left. He's on his second or third one year tour in Iraq. He flies a Black Hawk. When you hear on the TV news 'Black Hawk down', it could be him. It has been him. He's been shot down once. He obviously survived, his tail gunner was hit. Patrick is the same age as my oldest boy. They were babies together. They're not babies anymore.



These are Patrick's babies. He's missed 1 year of his oldest boy's life and is in the process of missing the second year in that boy's, and the first year in the next boy's life. It's just not fair is it?

My thoughts today are of him, of all the boys & girls over there.

I pray they come home safely, and soon.

I have things to send over to him. You'd think the damn post office would give you a break on postage for our soldiers wouldn't you? I'd send a box every week if I could afford it. I can't. Damn.

It's young boys like this that in the past have fought for the freedoms that we have in this country. It's young people like this that are over there now, losing their lives. They're not faceless, they're someones baby.

We owe them....we owe them a lot.

:-)

Extra! Extra! Read all about it!!!

Breaking news:

Pixie practiced moderation!!!!!

Holy shit it was so momentous it took me 2 days to write about it!

Saturday night, my friend and I went to my very favoritest Mexican restaurant. You can read about it here in Ian's blog. Margaritas for 99 cents on Saturday don't forget. This dinner was followed by game night where there would be about 20-30 people all bringing snacks.

I asked Ian if he'd share my favorite meal with me. I didn't want to try to find something healthy, I wanted a smaller amount of what I really love. I knew if I got the flauta meal that I love, I'd eat it all. No ifs ands or buts. The meal consists of two flour tortillas filled with the most mouth watering, perfectly seasoned, finely ground beef that has ever passed my lips. They're tenderly rolled and deep fried until a golden brown. They go on a plate and are lovingly covered with a yummy sauce and then smothered in cheese and popped under the broiler to meld the tastes together. They're surrounded by refried beans also topped with cheese of course, yellow rice, sour cream, and guacamole. The tortilla chips and salsa that precede this love fest of eating are home made, hot, crispy and delightful...a party in my mouth. Don't even get me started on the 99 cent margaritas!!!

Ian graciously agreed to share my meal with me. This was a big consession on his part as he'd have never chosen my meal. What a sweetie!

There were chips left in the basket at the end of the meal. That was a first. There were even some beans and rice left on the plate. That's a huge accomplishment...heck if nobody is looking, I've been known to lick the darn plate! I was satisfied. Oh, I could have eaten the other flauta and all the chips and more beans and rice for sure. I didn't. That is the first time in my life I've done that. Maybe this old dog isn't too old to learn new tricks???

I went to game night following that. The snacks that people brought consisted of pretty much everything I love. Cheese and crackers, pretzels and dip, homemade cookies, brownies, huge bags of miniature candy bars, you name it, if it was yummy, it was there. I circled the counter like a vulture looking for the plumpest rabbit before the game playing started. I didn't touch, I just looked. I took a deep breath and told myself that I could have some pretzels (fat free don't ya know), and ONE yummy. I waited until the very end, just before leaving when everyone was cleaning up to choose my yummy. I may be old, but I'm not stupid. I knew if I ate a brownie, a homemade cookie, a miniature candy bar earlier, I'd tell myself I could have one more. I chose a strawberry cookie. A round ball with coconut and other good stuff in it. It was chewy and took 4 bites to finish. Ahhhhh satisfaction and a huge sense of accomplishment all in one!

I tracked everything I ate that day. I 'only' used 40 points. Could have had more. Can have a treat today now if I want. How freakin cool is that????

I think I hear angels singing! HALLELUJAH!!!

Tomorrow is my WI. I can't wait for the results!

:-)

I love you guys!!

OMG you people are fantastic!

Here I am all fat and bloated and needing, but of course not wanting, to get back OP. Any idea how hard that is? Of course you do. You've probably been there. I mean really, who wants to HAVE to watch every morsel of food that goes into their mouth? I sure don't.

When I don't, I get fatter. Kind of simplistic, but that's the way it is. I apparently don't understand moderation or control. I only know eat right or not eat right. I'm going to try really hard to learn new tricks. You're helping.

I read blogs for motivation, but I'm not sure if any of you have any idea how much the comments you give here help me. A lot. I read that someone is in the same boat as me...wow I'm not the only one? I read someone else say 'you can do it'....wow maybe I can? Today someone said I motivated them....holy cow...really???? Someone else said they loved me, flabby skin and all....God how wonderful was that?? All the 'I'm with you's', and the 'you can do it's', and the 'get your fat ass in gear's' really help. Maybe not so much the 'get your fat ass in gear'.....those just kind of piss me off most times.

So, I have been OP for 3 whole days now. Today is day 4. Wow.

One day while out shopping, they had samples of pie in the bakery. Small little cups filled with pie. I ate one and enjoyed it tremendously. I didn't buy a whole pie and eat it. I think that was amazing. I didn't say 'oh I ate the pie, I might as well eat everything else that doesn't move today'. Nope, I ate the pie, counted a point for it, enjoyed it, and kept on with my day. I've never done that before.

I so want to learn how to do that in every aspect. I want to learn that I can go out for Mexican and not have it lead to a whole day of pigging out, or worse, a whole week. I want to go for Mexican tonight. I don't want healthy Mexican, I want flautas. I want to be totally OP the rest of the day. OMG if I can just learn to do this. I have to learn to do this. I don't thrive on deprivation. I'm having enough troubles with the rest of stuff in my life, I don't need it here!

Thank you for your support, your comments, your blog love. It means more than I can express.

I can do it with your help. I believe that.

With all my heart and soul.

:-)

Go!

Yep, today is the day. Pixie is back on program. Kicking and screaming all the way! It's going to be so freakin hard today. Why? Mind games only reason. I don't want the restrictions. I do want the feeling of putting healthy things in my body again though.

I feel like garbage from putting all that nasty junk in my body. If it was bad for me, it went in. If it was good for me, it didn't. We're talking weeks of abuse here. Weeks of no fruit, no veg, no milk products hardly. No whole grains, no exercise. Weeks of lots of sugar, grease (lots of oil, just none healthy!), salt, and sedentary behavior. Oh yes, alcohol....some of that too!

As I told you, WI would be ugly yesterday. Oh man was it. I was up 10.Godonlyknowswhat pounds. Can't remember what came after the . and since the number before the . was 10, does it really matter?

I've got a busy day today so I decided to read some blogs to get me motivated. Carlos is on a roll, kicking ass in the exercise dept and had a gain this week. That motivated me. Always thought it was only women that worked their ass off and gained. Hugs going out to Carlos, and motivation going into my mind. FD runs. Holy shit he RUNS in the rain no less! That motivated me too. What motivated me the most? Well, I rarely read the other comments that people leave on other blogs. Read all of mine over and over of course...I just don't read what others say on other blogs. Today, when I was commenting on FD's blog, I saw a comment and read it for some reason. I don't know this girl, but she motivated me more than anything else today. Actually she scared me and maybe that's what I need. What did she write? Here's a cut and paste.

Kimberley said...
When I lost 136 pounds I had a lot of loose skin but looked fine in clothes. Not too many people saw me out of them so it wasn't a concern for me.

When I regained 146 the skin miraculously filled back in.

Who knows how it will look when I get back down to where I want to be...but I think I will feel like I did the first time. Keep the clothes on and everybody is happy.


I read her first lines and I thought the same thing. I really hate my loose skin, but if it's packed in clothes, it's not too bad.

Then I read the next line....'when I regained the 146 pounds'. Holy shit, if it happened to her, it could happen to any of us, if we let it. We can't let it. I don't know who Kimberly is, but I sure want to hug her and tell her to keep up the great work of losing all that weight again. We've all lost weight and gained it back. It's no fun.

Yes, I was a bad girl and I gained. A lot. I see now that it could have been worse. I can focus on that positive during the next few weeks. Instead of beating myself up over being 20+ pounds heavier than I was a few months ago, I can think that at least it's only 20+ and not 100+ as it easily could have been. I can give myself woohoo's and props for getting back OP before that happened. Damn, I'm rockin it already eh??? Mind games, as I said. Tell yourself whatever you need to to keep on program.

I've come too far to let the fat win. It's definitely mind over matter. My mind has to be in the game.

C'mon mind, get your cells in gear!!!!

:-)

Get set....

Yep that's right. Today is T minus 24 and counting. OK, so technically it's T minus 17:19 and counting.

We're going shopping today. Nothing like retail therapy to help get a gals mind back in order.

Ya right, I'm not your typical female. I hate shopping. Unless it's for tools. Oh my God I could spend hours and hours in the tool section of Sears.

It's not tool shopping though. I need a new printer, the $120 pillows suck so I'm on a pillow quest again. Oh I do so love those. NOT! I need to go to Sam's to get some things to send my nephew in Iraq. His third tour...he deserves some love from home.

Shit I'm waffling already...see what happens when I try to post before my coffee???

OK...so today is the day I have to get my shit together as tomorrow is the day I get back on program.

WI is not going to be pretty today. I've never had a problem taking a gain that I've deserved. I ate it, I enjoyed it, I gained, what the hell did you expect? I just suck it up and get on with it. I'm not happy about it this time. Maybe I'll remember this next time I want to go on a 2 month binge eh???? I don't want to face the lady on the scale.

Today, along with all the shopping, we're hoping to go to the beach. I plan to use that time to lay and ponder. I shall let the sun soak into my body and rejuvinate me. I'll let the ocean water roll over me and carry all my negative stuff away. I'll come out all baptized in new on programedness hope. That's the problem with being a Pixie.... friggin fairies gang up and shoot sun beams up your ass if they think you need it. Makes you all sunshiney from the inside out and all poetic and full of hope and shit. I get them back though...I zap them with my 'I don't give a shit' wand. That really pisses the little assholes off.

Anyway, today I'm going to get my mind wrapped around being OP tomorrow. I'm going to have a meal plan. I'm going to get rid of the crap that's in the house.

Oh yes, I plan on moving my fat ass tomorrow too. God I hope it doesn't revolt!

Wish me luck. Send me strong vibes as I'm going to need them.

:-)

Sing it loud!!!

Wooooooooooohoooooooooooo!!!!!!

Nothing I could write today could top this man's news!!!!!

I'm so happy, excited, thrilled, proud of FD!!!! I thought I'd help him celebrate today!!!

More from me tomorrow, today is Fat Daddy's day to shine!!!

Shine on brother!!!!

:-)

On your mark

Yep, the first call every runner that is poised in her stance hears. I can just picture a taut runner, strong thighs, finger to the track, eyes forward, full of concentration waiting for the crack from the starting pistol.

That's me boys and girls.

Wednesday is 'D' day. No ifs, ands, or buts. I'm starting the preparation sequence today. Gearing myself up. Getting my mind in the game so to speak.

I'm catching up on my several diet related emails. I'm going to catch up on blogs if it kills me. I'm looking for new recipes. I'm thinking of things to prepare to keep me in the running for a full week. I'm thinking about exercising.

I believe the first start to a successful outcome is in the mind. Get your mind on the right track and everything else will follow. Believe it.

I believe it.

Do you?

:-)

Another day in paradise

Yesterday was that!

We left our park at 10am and got home at 10pm. What an awesome day!

We went to Ft. Myers shopping and to the beach. Started out at Sam's for a look around and a promise to return later just before heading back home to get cold stuff. Went to the mall on a quest for new pillows for me. I'm like a freakin princess and my pillows have to be perfect or I can't sleep. I've been a down pillow baby all my life and I tried to switch to a cheaper alternative last year. It ain't workin! So, back out on the 'pay a freakin fortune for 2 freakin down pillows' hunt yesterday. I settled on 2 from Penny's. The verdict is still out as to their perfectness. At $120 for 2 pillows, if they're not perfect, they're going back!

Went to Target to look for mini bags of pretzels I saw a few weeks ago at another Target and should have got! Of course, they dind't have them. See, I got a case of Snyder's fat free mini pretzels from Sam's for the trip down here. Awesome, single portion size, perfect for me as I might want pretzels now, and then not want any for weeks so a big bag would get stale. Anyway, these bags are 1.5 ounces so they're 3 points...that's a lot of points to give for pretzels. Target had mini bags for Halloween that would only have been 2 points and perfect. Should have got the darn things when I saw them eh????

After all that shopping and walking it was time to hit the beach! A friend of mine, actually a lady I met on the Michigan WW chat thread several years ago, went to a hotel in Ft. Myers last year and we drove over there to visit her and her hub. We thought at the time that we might be able to sneak to this hotel at a future date and use the parking lot, the bathrooms to change, and the beach. So yesterday, we did! Felt like true daredevils! The water was awesome! I couldn't believe the difference between this week and last. When I went to the beach with my friend last week, it was colder than cold! TBM and I were able to go right in and float and splash. What a lovely break to the shopping day! Hotel had a shower also so we were able to rinse all the salt water off. Awesome.

Went to McDonald's for a hot fudge sundae. Sat outside...watched the sun set right from Mickey D's. Awesome again!

Now it's dinner time. I'm starving, TBM is always starving. We chose chicken. Oh OK, so it was in the form of wings of the hot variety served by scantily clad girls with big boobs. You know, most of them are NOT very pretty. I bet NONE of you men knew that...I highly doubt your eyes ever make it to their faces. I will admit they have nice hooters and even nicer asses. I sure would like one day in a body like that!!!

At Sam's I got things to gear us up for our re-start next Wednesday. Three bags of froze fruit and a package of the low fat chicken spinach asiago sausages that Den loves. I also got a vegetable.

OK, so it was in a pumpkin pie. Hey, I put fat free Reddi Whip on it!!

Baby steps.

:-)

Coffee and flounder

I'm having an odd breakfast this morning. Coffee with a side of flounder. No, not the fish, the action. Yes, I'm floundering to beat the band here. Oh, and I'm having a portion of wallowing also.

I've been trying to catch up on blogs...read some good ones this morning. Some with awesome ideas, some with great recipes, some with upbeat attitudes. I think I didn't really absorb any of them though as I'm still not motivated to get back on program.

The mom in me, or the school teacher education makes me ask questions of myself. Do I want to get fatter? Ah no. Do I want to put unhealthy food in my body? Ah no. Now I feel I need to take the piece of chalk and pound it into the part of my hair while smacking my hands with the ruler (yes, I did go to Catholic school, why do you ask?)and ask the next question. WTF do you think you're doing you moron???? I dunno, but I'm sure doing it.

I know you all know how easy it is to say 'tomorrow' I'll get back on my diet, my program, my whatever you call your lifestyle. Then tomorrow comes and it's tomorrow. That tomorrow comes and I don't know about you, but I say, 'OK next week'. I'll give myself a whole week. That should get it out of my system. After 45 years of trying to 'get it out of my system' I, as an intelligent person, should know it's not freaking going to work! It's never going to be out of my system. I need to learn to get past the obstacles with it in my system.

I've never been the queen of excuses. I don't need an excuse to eat. I just do it. I never blame anyone else as it's me that does it to myself. I do not sneak food, I do not eat in private. I eat for all to see and always have. I at least have that going for me eh???

I found myself making deals with myself yesterday. Hey, whatever it takes. Too bad none of them worked. Today is my WI day, and for the first time I can ever remember, I'm not going to my meeting. I've always told people that if they have a gain, they need to suck it up and go and take their medicine. Well F that, I'm not going. I'm picking my friend up from the airport on Friday. I said OK, that's it, I'll get back OP on Saturday. Oh no, there's a dance Saturday night and I'll want snackies. Sunday. Shoot, everyone knows you can't start a diet on Sunday! Monday. Oh no, why start Monday when my WI day is Tuesday? Holy shit do you see the crap that goes through my mind????

It would be bad enough if my decisions only affected me, but they do not. If I falter, TBM goes crashing down like a big oak tree. He seems to just wait for me to fall off program so he can come along for the ride. I feel bad about that, but ultimately, it's his problem, and not mine. I don't say to him 'Oh let's go eat this'. I just eat it and he does too. It wouldn't do any good if he said to me 'oh let's not.' I'd do it anyway. Ya, I'm stubborn like that.

So, I'm wallowing also. I'm finding that my quality of life has been affected by this arthritis. Oh boo hoo you say...lots of people have arthritis. Yep, they do and I freaking don't want to be one of them. I'm learning to deal with it, I just need a bit more time. I've been a fiercely independant woman all my married life. I literally do it all. I cook, clean, shop, do the bills, keep things in order, plan. I also do the home maintainance. I do the wiring, I do the gutter cleaning, I mow, I do NOT shovel snow anymore thank God! We need a new ceiling fan? I'm your woman. I don't want that hanging light in the dining room anymore? No problem taking it down and tending properly to the wiring. I don't want that TV there? No problem, I am strong, I can move it. I want a new spigot outside? I'm a whiz with pvc and pipe goo. I ran all our phone lines and cable lines in our home...thre's nothing I won't at least try to do, and usually succeed. We're in debt? Hell yes. No problem, I can get a job and I can help. Not so much now. I can't button my own pants and I can't unhook my bra. I can't open door knobs...and of course the list goes on. The thing that pisses me off each and every night in bed is the pain it causes me to pull the covers over me. I get hot so toss the covers off. I then get cool and go to do a simple thing like pull them back on and it's excruciating. My hands just don't grasp things without pain and I do the toss off, pull on thing several times a night. I lay in bed and you'd think I'd be pain free. For some reason, when I lay down, or sit with my feet up for that matter, I have pain in my right leg. It throbs. My right calf, my right ankle, and my right hip. Doesn't matter how I lay, it hurts. That's just BS!!! I'm not moving, it shouldn't hurt! OK thank you for letting me piss and moan. It does help! I am trying not to talk about it to my friends and family as I don't want to sound like a broken record. It is affecting my life at the moment though. We really need me to get a job down here and I'm so limited in what I can do, I just don't know if I'll be able to help. We'll wing that. OK, nuff about that.

So, what am I going to do about everything? Well, here's my plan.

I'm going to go to my WW meeting next Tuesday and I'm going to promise myself to get back on program. I'm going to use this week to come up with meal plans and make sure I have everything on hand. I'm going to come up with an exercise plan and impliment it. We have a gym here for goodness sakes! I have a gorgeous bike. I have 2 swimming pools. I think exercise will help the arthritis pain also. I'll take any and all suggestions from all of you. Well all except the ones that say to do it today instead of next week. You guys don't count!

I don't want you to think this is a downer post either. I'm exceedingly happy. Life is still good. I love my life here. I love my friends, my activities, the sun, the palm trees, the laid back atmosphere. This is my paradise. I just need to work getting fit back into my life is all.

I know I can do it. I can do anything. It's like when my day care kids said 'I can't'. I always always said 'can't and don't want to are the same thing'. Yep they are. It's not that I can't, it's just that I don't want to!

All of us can.

:-)

Cleaning house

No, this isn't really about diet. It's really about cleaning the house.

We had the carpets cleaned the other day. That required us to remove everything from the living room, hallway, inside bedroom, and lanai. Where do we put it all? Well, I emptied the 2 pantries and put that stuff in crates in the bathroom. What? You never had food in the bathroom? C'mon, you're all on a diet, of course you did!

We then put the wooden pantries in the kitchen. Now remember, we live in a tin box here and my kitchen is the size of a postage stamp. We store all the thermoply that we cover the windows with in the spring under the bed in the inside bedroom....that went out to the shed. We took the table and chairs from the lanai and put them outside...we just stuffed shit wherever we could. Our bedroom (it's out in the lanai) was packed with stuff.

Guy came, cleaned the carpets and was gone in less than 2 hours. All that work and that SOB was in and out like that. I spent all day yesterday putting shit back where it belongs. I'm still not done.

Diet is in the toilet here folks. I know, broken record. Not sure what I can do to get myself back on track this time.

I'm so far behind in blog reading I should be flogged.

Maybe tomorrow I can catch up......tomorrow....

:-)

She's baaaaaaaack!

Nope, poltergeists didn't take over my body.

My girlfriend and I went to the beach for a few days. OMG what a fabulous time I had. Relaxing, lovely, sun, sand, ocean, swimming pools, Jacuzzi, pillow top beds, down duvets. Gorgeous sunsets, lovely sun rises, great food, wonderful wine, good friendship. We relaxed. We rejuvenated. We ate. Here is us eating at Cooter's. I mean really...Cooter's? We just had to eat there!







Here's me on our balcony. Awesome sunsets right from there!

What's this got to do with Weight Watchers? Really? Not a damn thing. I did go to a meeting while we were there. I gained 1.2 pounds. I'm guessing it had something to do with the all you can eat crab legs the night before. It might have been the bottle of wine that night too though. Oh, oh oh, maybe it was the fried fish sandwich with homemade potato chips for lunch that day. Don't really care what caused it...it was just there. It'll go bye bye. Next week might show a gain also. Residual overlap ya know? I didn't learn moderation yet. I'm still working on it though!

I learned something so much more important than moderation on this trip. I learned that I'm confident in my body. I was at the beach and I enjoyed every minute of it. I never once thought I didn't deserve to be there. I never once thought of wearing something over my bathing suit to cover my body. I wasn't just there, I was comfortable there. I didn't care if people stared. Really, I honestly didn't. I just enjoyed myself. I sat on the beach one day for about 6 hours and never had a negative thought. How awesome is that? I know that I don't look good in my suit. I know that my arm fat flaps. I know that my thigh fat swings. I know my boobs sag. I'm not some delusional old woman that thinks she's hot. I know what I look like. I know something else. I know I don't give a flying F. I deserve to be on that beach, enjoying the sun and sand just as much as the next person. I know that if people don't like how I look, they can turn their eyes somewhere else.

None of this even entered my mind until I got home. While I was there, I was just there. Enjoying myself. Soaking up the sun, people watching, enjoying the companionship of my friend. Walking the beach. Bubbling in the Jacuzzi. Eating, drinking, just being. It wasn't until I got home I realized how completely at ease I was walking around in my bathing suit. Up and down the beach. Across the sand. Around the pool. Even back up to the room...all in just my bathing suit. Wow.



The sunsets were spectacular.



Hey, one other thing that was cool. The towels in the hotel fit around my body! I considered stealing one! Ya, guess they were extra big, but it was cool for the first time ever to wrap a bath towel around my body. I remember when a beach towel wouldn't even come close to closing around my girth.



I've come a long way baby.

:-)