Thursday, May 26, 2011

Changing the filter?

Hi peeps!

I had several emails today asking where I've been. How awesome was that? Well, I guess I was listening to Thumper. If you don't have something nice to say, don't say nothin at all. I didn't have anything nice to say.

I just read a post by one of my faves where she talked about not having a filter.

I used to have one. I think it's clogged. I think it might need changing. I think a lot of things need changing. Except life. I am SO f'ing over this change of life shit. So, today, I'm taking the filter off. No rays of sunshine shooting out of my ass today boys and girls. Today, you get to hear how the real me is feeling. I'm not sure I've ever shared that. I wish to do it. Once. Just once. Yes, ONLY once.

Why? I've been happy all my life. I thought depression was in your mind. No pun intended. You're not feeling happy? WTF is wrong with you? Suck it up, think happy thoughts and fart rainbows.

My life used to be filled with joy. Even when things went wrong, I was happy. I could ALWAYS find a bright spot. Riding around the park on the golf cart with the sun in my face and the breeze through my hair brought pure, unadulterated joy to my heart. Now? Not so much.

Things started going wrong. Still there was joy. My knees started hurting. A lot. Oh that's OK, knees aren't that important. Hips went the same way. Well, who needs hips anyway. Fingers locked up to the point I couldn't fasten my own bra. Thank God the shots helped with that. They're getting bad again now. Shoulder seized up. Therapy didn't help. Now my head is aching along with every single other joint in my whole body. Enough of this shit already! What's wrong with me? Do I have Lyme disease? I mean this started all at once. Why me? Oh yes, I also have a pain in my heel that is excruciating! It's not on the bottom where a bone spur would's on the I broke the damn thing. I wear shoes ALWAYS as it hurts to walk barefoot. My walking gait has totally changed. Now I lumber, I limp, I walk like an 80 year old. Getting out of the chair is agony. Fuck me sideways I'm falling apart.

The excessive thirst is driving me berserk. It's there always. It's intense. I can't go into a store without a bottle of water or I have a panic attack. WTF??? Yes, she did check for diabetes. I don't have it. She checked my thyroid too.

I've got these tiny little patches of itchy on my body. Hip, stomach, breast, just to name a few.

Don't even get me started on the tinnitus! OMG that'll drive you nuts if you let it.

Did I mention that on many occasions I don't make it to the bathroom? Ya, well I don't.

If I make a doc appointment to start sorting some of this shit out, she'll yell at me for gaining weight. I don't take that well these days.

Lots of ladies in the park keep telling me to go get hormones. That was easy for them in their day. They didn't know it could kill you. I'm trying to suck it up, tough it out, I really am. I just don't know if I can.

Shall I delve into the mental anguish? Oh let's do!

Money. You either have it or you don't. We used to. Now we don't. That sucks ass. I worry constantly. That's new also. I never worried before. If troublesome thoughts came into my mind, I shooed them out. Happy reigned supreme. Now I worry that we won't make it from check to check. My boy needed money for a new car. I didn't have it to give. I felt useless. I know, it's not my problem. I don't have a problem letting my kids stand on their own feet. I have a problem knowing that I can't help if I want to. The $1700 I gave him has to be paid back and I hate that. I'm not a doormat, never have been. I'm a mom. My dad helped me and I always wanted to help my kids. I at least wanted the ability to help them. As I said, I can and do say no. My job is seasonal. I don't know if I'll be asked back in October. If I knew that, I could relax. I just don't know. Den finally got a job this week. It took him 7 weeks. I had to stroke his psyche as that was new for him. He's always been able to walk out the door and get a job. Things are tough these days. I mean when it's hard for a guy with 35+ years experience as a chef to get a cooking job. It's sucking the big weenie for sure.

Friends. I'm so blessed to have a lot of good friends. I fear I'll drive them all away with the new me. I want the old me back. I want the old me that didn't get sudden, intense, feelings of anger and hatred coursing through her body and spewing out of her mouth. I used to laugh and say I was a bitch. Now I am one. I want my friends to understand this and not use it against me. I need them to just understand it's not me and I can't help it.

I want to laugh again.

I never ever ever went a day without laughing. Hell, I never went an hour without laughing! I miss that.

So? Where have I been?


Wallowing in misery.

Bathing in pain.

Listening to the ugly that people tell me and believing it. Letting them drag me down to their level.

Gaining 60 pounds.

Feeling unloved and unwanted.

Getting unhealthy.

Crying. WTF I haven't cried in 30 years. Can't say that anymore!

Holy fuck that felt good. I guess I may be a bottler. Easier to bottle it up, eat it, than let it all out. I actually have a little glimmer of hope here now.

I think that may be all. I think this needs not be mentioned again. I think I'll just work on getting happy. Getting my mojo back.

I'll let you know how that works for me!!!

Screw, screw, screw. That's me putting the filter back on.

Not too tight though.....

C'est finis.