Monday, September 19, 2011
Well hell, I do. A lot.
I'm working on that. I'm learning more and more about myself. I'm actually willing to (insert gasp here) change! Oh yes, me, the queen of stubbornness is actually willing to admit the way I've done things for...well forever, just don't work.
Weight Watcher's talk about 'red light foods'. You know, food that if you take one bite you're a goner? I never really thought I had any of those. This week I realized that red light doesn't have to apply to just A food. It could apply to AN action.
I've been fat all my life. That is not a boast. It's a sad fact Jack. I've been teased, taunted, ridiculed, looked over for jobs, and, well you get the drift. I remember being in grade school (Catholic mind you)and being on a diet. My Mom didn't have a clue. She'd make me take 1/2 a sandwich for my lunch and that was it. I mean what else could go in the bag? I wasn't allowed chips or cookies...what else was there? I'm not blaming my Mom for my fat...but geez Ma...fruit and veg were around back then! You think kids are cruel? Just try being around Catholic girls. Those bitches are vicious! They'd make fun of me for being fat AND they'd make fun of me for trying to NOT be fat. Do you think I'd be struck by lightning if I said I wish they'd all rot in hell? Probably, and my Christian side won't let me think that...damn that Catholic guilt!!!
Frick, digress. Again.
So...all my life. My first trip to Weight Watchers was in 1977. Before that I'd tried everything. Atkins, grapefruit, cabbage soup, you name it, I tried it. So with that first trip to WW, I deemed that weigh in day would be a free day. I could eat whatever I wanted on that day. It got me through the week. If I wanted something, I'd tell myself I could have it on weigh in day. That never changed. EVERY single diet I've ever been on, I've had a 'free day'.
This week, 52 years old, I realized that just isn't going to work for me anymore. Cue the angels and harps! Epiphany time!!!
Why? Well, it's the big lead up to 'the day'. I anticipate. Oh what will I eat?? Sometimes I eat things I don't want just because I can. Ya, I'm not the sharpest tool in the shed sometimes.
THEN the next day. OMG it's so hard to get back on plan. I remember today what I really wanted yesterday and didn't have. Maybe I should have 2 cheat days this week and then next week get back to just 1.
Two becomes three. etc. It's a mental battle. I don't like how my mind feels. I don't like the feeling of deprivation and angst. It's so hard.
SO, yesterday this little niggle started in. I'm loving the new program I'm rocking. The SFT (simply filling technique). It's got good bones. So why do I feel I need a day to lose control? The program is this in a nutshell...
You eat ONLY when you are TRULY hungry.
You eat ONLY until you are satisfied.
You eat mostly only power foods.
A few other things, but those are the basics.
I realized on my 'cheat day' this week, there really wasn't anything I was hungry for. Well, Panera Bread mac and cheese. That shit is to die for! I did want something chocolate. Did I eat those two things and stop? Hell no. It was my cheat day, I could have it all. I did. So, let's think about this...
I get 49 points plus a week to play with on SFT...Panera Bread mac and cheese (the small size which is plenty) is 13.5 PP. A snicker bar was 9 I think...so, wow, let me get this right....I could just go out to lunch any day like a normal person and have the mac and cheese for lunch...perhaps paired with some veg soup instead of the bread roll? THEN later in the week if I wanted a candy bar I could have one??? THEN still have PP left over??????
Who the hell knew??????
I don't like to step out of my comfort zone. It's hard for me to give up things I love. To change my ways.
I think it's time.
I think the cheat day needs to be put to rest. I think I need to give the plan a try the way they intend for it to be worked.
What about you? Do you have a free day? How do you handle treats? I know how I'm going to do it this next week.....
R.I.P. Cheat day....you will be missed.
Peace be the journey
Friday, September 16, 2011
My gal TJ had this awesome idea and invited us to play along. Always a team player, I accepted!
I'm going to do a Vlog about these soon. As soon as I figure out how!
Oat cakes. How do I love thee? Let me count the ways!
I learned a while ago that even if I'm just tossing things in a pot, write down what's going in. Too many times I get done and it's just awesome and I have NO idea what, or how much of anything actually went in! I'm so glad the day I tried these I wrote it down exactly.
I use my Magic Bullet a lot. It sounds hokey, but it's really a fantastic little gadget. You'll see when I do my vlog!
So, without further ado.
Oat cakes- 1 large serving
I put all the dry ingredients in the MB and let it all commingle while the oats are becoming flour. I then add all the wet to the dry and pulse some more. In fact, I do up the dry portion in batches and keep 3 on hand in small Tupperware containers so all I have to do is add the wet if I'm in a hurry.
1/2 c old fashioned oats ground to flour in the Magic Bullet
1/8 t baking powder
1/8 t salt
cinnamon I like a lot
cloves I like a pinch
nutmeg I use whole nuts and grate in....some
After that's nice and flour like add the wet
2T or so of yogurt of choice (I match the yogurt to whatever fruit I'm using)
2T or so skim milk
vanilla to taste
fruit of choice (1/2 banana, diced stewed apples, etc.)
I use a teaspoon of canola oil to cook the cakes. You can just use spray if you want. I like how crispy they get with the oil and I need 2 teaspoons a day anyway. This makes 2-4 cakes depending on what size you make.
This week I started on the apple cakes. I used WW apple pie a la mode yogurt. I diced a whole granny smith apple small and put it in a small pot with a ton of cinnamon, 1 T Splenda, and a little water and cooked until soft while I did the rest. When it was time for the wet in the cakes, I added some of the apples to the mix. I took the rest of the apples, the rest of the WW apple pie a la mode yogurt and whirred that in the Bullet for my 'syrup'. Oh my land was it good!
I'm following WW Simply Filling Technique. This fits in perfectly.
I think I might try pineapple cakes next!!
Peace be the journey
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
A few weeks ago I had a hard lesson. I told you I'd blog about it 'later'. Well, it's later.
The second week of my SFT(simply filling technique)experiment I hit a snag. I went to work for 10 minutes and it turned into 9 hours. I hadn't planned my meals for the day or done any prep as I was coming right home from that 10 minutes to do all that. Around 2PM I shot home on my golf cart to grab something to eat at my desk. Anything. Well, as I hadn't prepared, the choices were slim. There was left over pizza staring at me and I grabbed it. I didn't find out until later on it was 10 points plus! On the SFT I get 49 points plus a week to use so I like to break them up and use under 7 a day so I have a few left for a nice treat at the end of the week. Pizza used to be 6 points. It went up and I didn't know it. I had a glass of wine with dinner to celebrate my fantastic day of work. That went up in points also! All in all, I used 20 points plus that day. I hated it.
I woke up the next day and felt so limited. I couldn't move past the feeling of deprivation I now felt. Many days I use 0 points plus and that's fine as it's my choice. This day I felt like I was forced to do that. And the day after. And the day after. God I felt like it was the end of the world and for the first time ever I felt guilt over eating something!
I was talking to my DIL who was in the hospital after having my 5th grandchild. Bree was born 6 weeks early so of course was experiencing some difficulty. DIL was feeling guilty. Hmmm who else did I know that was feeling guilt? Being the quiet retiring MIL that I am, (OMG I CHOKED THERE!), I gave my two cents worth. You can't go back. You can't undo what's done. You just have to think about the now. Focus on what you can do now. BLINK BLINK BLINK! That was the light bulb going off above my head.
In my mind I'd screwed up my eating plan. So, what could I do about it? I couldn't un eat the food...hmmmmmm oh I know! What if I got off my lazy ass and did some exercise? What if I went out and moved this sedentary mountain and earned some AP(activity points) points plus??? What a concept!
I got dressed and got on my bike and peddled my fat ass enough to earn 2PP. Came home and got my suit on and headed to the pool and earned some more. Wow! It is possible to right a wrong! I didn't intend to eat any of those points, but man did it do my psyche good to know they were there!!! My whole mindset changed. I took control.
I focused on what I could do and not what I did!
Oh ya baby, I may be old, but I'm learning every day. I had a loss that week. A good one.
This week at WI I changed days. I went from a Tuesday morning meeting to a Monday night meeting. You always weigh more at night. I knew if the scale showed a gain, it wouldn't really be a gain. I was praying for even a .2 loss as I'd had 4 losses in a row and I really need to keep my momentum up.
I took a deep breath and got on the scales.
DOWN BABY DOWN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I was pumped!
5 weeks in a row my friends. 5 weeks in a row!!!!!! DID I MENTION FIVE FIVE FIVE WHOLE WEEKS IN A ROW????? A ROW PEOPLE!!!!!!! That's consecutive!!!
This old broad is swimming along.
One stroke at a time.
C'mon in....the water is fine!
Peace be the journey
Monday, September 12, 2011
So how does my love of all things kitchen tie in with weight loss?
Well, when I'm cooking, I have my station ready to go. I chop what needs chopping, I dice what needs dicing, my spices are measured in a small bowl, and everything I need is at hand before I actually begin to cook. Mis en place.
As I was planning my meals for today, I realized that mis en place gets me where I want to go even when I'm not cooking. I gather my food guide and my tracker. I fire up the laptop and bring up etools. I get pencil, paper, and my cell phone to hand. Mis en place. Everything is ready, let us begin it.
It's easy to plan when you have the right tools.
How about you? Do you plan? Prepare? Do you have the right tools, or moreover, do you use the tools you have?
Peace be the journey
Sunday, September 11, 2011
I debated writing this as of course, it's only my opinion, then I read this gal's blog and decided, oh ya, I can write it as, to steal her idea, IT'S MY OWN DAMN BLOG!
So, why is Ruby Tuesday getting my tsk of shame? Because they feed us crap that's why! A large percentage of the things they have are fat laden. There is no need for that. I'm not a fat snob, oh no no no, I love my fat. On the occasions that I wish to avoid it, however, I should be able to!
Now, it's not just the obviously fatty things they have....
Chicken & broccoli pasta = 96g fat
Lobster Carbonara = 95g fat
Fresh guacamole = 96g fat
California club sunrise quesidilla = 177g of fat
Spinach & mushroom omelet = 59g fat
You get the drift there...
I don't have a problem with high fat things on the menu. For the love of all that is holy not all of us want to consume that kind of fat! Hell, my arteries clogged up just reading their nutritional data site!!!
A spinach and mushroom omelet for goodness sakes! That could be so low in fat...so low.
So, they have healthy options you say? Nope, they've managed to fat those up too!!!
Steamed broccoli...fresh mind you...6 grams of fat! What the fuck to you do to steamed broccoli to add 6g fat???? Moreover, WHY would you do it? I mean really, who orders steamed broccoli wanting something fatty???
Fresh grilled asparagus, 5g fat
Fresh grilled green beans, 2g fat
Sugar snap peas, 6g fat
Petite zucchini cakes, 22g fat. I'd hate like hell to see the 'regular' sized ones!
If I can get plain grilled chicken there for 4g fat, and a petite sirloin steak for 6g, why can't I get some veg that isn't a heart attack on a plate????
There are a few choices, very few that are a bit healthier. The problem is making sure they prepare it the way you ask. If you order it steamed, no fat, how come it still glistens? Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm????
I'm not ordering mashed cauliflower because I like it better than mashed potatoes, I'm ordering it because it's better for me. Why is there butter floating in it?
What meal did we choose last night? Why a Triple Prime Bacon Cheeseburger of course. We had a coupon for a free burger. This one weighed in at 1144 calories and 88 grams of fat. That would be 33 Points Plus in case you wondered. I don't get that many for a whole day, never mind one component of a meal. I've been so hungry for this, or so I thought.
We planned. We decided to share the burger. I'd get the cauliflower, he'd get the fries. My dinner would be roughly 20 Points Plus. I saved my weeklies and off we went. Like I said, I don't have a problem with fatty food, when it's fatty food I want!
Let me tell you, it wasn't worth it. Or, maybe it was. I learned I won't be back! I won't be craving that burger ever again!
The grease dripped down my arm.
The cauliflower, with greasy little craters, left a film on my tongue. I didn't eat it.
I woke up with horrid acid at 4AM.
I've been queasy all day.
My body revolted from the grease. Guess that's a good thing.
Will I go again when I get a coupon for a free burger?
I'll stick with the pot stickers and salad. I'll bring my own dressing also!!!
Feel free to check out their nutritional site yourself! Oh, you may be shocked by their "Smart Eating Choices"!!! Smart for who? Sure the hell not me!!!
Peace be the journey
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
I had another loss this week. That's right boys and girls, that would be 4 in a row! I can't remember the last time I had a loss 4 weeks in a row. It doesn't need a number to make me happy anymore. A loss is a loss. That's new for me.
I wanted to blog about last weeks feelings, and what I did to overcome them, but I'm not in the mood for that right now!
Right now, I want to pay tribute to my girl TJ, and maybe help some other veggie haters out there.
TJ fixes what she calls 'crazy salads'. They're not so crazy to me anymore.
Let me begin by saying I don't like salad. Yes, that was a revelation to me a few weeks ago after beginning the SFT. I realized that I only like salad as a vessel to get oceans of blue cheese dressing and buttery croutons into my body. I don't like the salad itself at all. We all know iceberg lettuce doesn't do anything for us anyway, cucumbers and celery are about as useless, but I'd choke that down and say I was eating veg. I didn't even like it for goodness sakes! When I eat something I don't like, it actually makes my tum roll. Not a nice feeling at all. So, if I'm going to eat something I don't like, I might as well pick more nutritious choices!
TJ would put pictures of her salads up and I realized they really didn't look like salad at all. Hmmm what a concept eh???? Maybe I could try that...so I did.
Cottage cheese went onto the plate first, fat free as that's a power food.
Now, carrots. OK, for all you veggie haters out there, try something. It may not be the taste of the veg you don't like, it may be the texture. THAT is my problem in a nutshell & it is something else I've learned recently. Carrots don't really suck ass, but I don't really like them much...unless they're matchstick. They seem sweeter that way to me, moister, not as bitter. Just cutting them different makes all the difference in the world to my taste buds. If I take a bite out of a carrot, I don't like it. If I take the time to cut them into tiny matchstick pieces, I love them. Who knew? They add lovely crunch to the salad. Today I got carried away and after cutting them into matchstick pieces, I cut those smaller even. I enjoy chopping and dicing, what can I say???
Beets. They're a lovely color, but they're kind of bland unless roasted. I love pickled beets. So I opened up a few cans and pickled them using Splenda. They're fabulous. I matchstick those too for my salad, cuz that's how I roll. They add some sweetness and tanginess to the mix.
Spinach. We all know that's a pretty good dark green thing to choke down. I'll let you in on a little secret. If you chiffonade it and then turn that around and cross cut it so you have tiny little squares, you won't taste it. The pieces are so small the texture isn't a problem. Wow, a dark green thing on my plate and I'm loving it! I just learned that today.
Some days I add a tablespoon of sunflower seeds for 1 PP, some days I don't.
You can chop and dice and add things to your little hearts content. Make it as big or as small as you want. With the SFT, I've been going small. I know that I can eat again later if I'm hungry.
This was today's salad.
I try to think rainbow when fixing these salads. Today it looked so pretty with the spinach. I felt so good about myself finally figuring something green to add that was good for me. I want more ideas now. More colors. I think that bowl is just begging for something red....
Thank you TJ. I love your crazy salad idea.
Peace be the journey
Friday, September 2, 2011
Last weeks experiment was a success. I had a loss. I was excited to begin a new week.
It's really an interesting program. It gives me the 'freedom' I need right now with crazy work hours, but also the structure. I learned a lot. I continue to do so.
I'm having crazy mind wars that I've never had before. I've read over and over about people eating something and feeling guilty. I've never done that...never felt guilt. Never. If I ate something, I wanted it and that was good enough for me. Moved on from there. This is pre coffee this morning boys and girls, I hope I can explain how I'm feeling. It's going to be long, but I must get it out there...for me.
Here's the scenario. WI was awesome. Over 2 pounds. That is huge for me. I always use WI day for treat day. Always. It's always been a day of an eating frenzy. Buy a big bag of chips and must eat them all before bed. Can't have them around the next day now can I? Bake a cake...well you get the drift. So, I still want to keep treats in the picture, but this week I decided to use the 'only when hungry' and 'only until satisfied' rules. That was actually awesome. I had my usual McD's sausage McMuffin on the way home from the meeting. I LOVE those stupid things! I went into work and there were donuts. In the past I'd have had one as of course it's treat day. I stopped, knowing that I could, but I thought first. No, I wasn't hungry. Damn. I passed the donut. Lunch time rolled around and now I was hungry. Well to be fair, it was 2PM. I wanted Panera Bread mac and cheese. Off I took myself. I've always ordered the large in the past, with a pastry and of course you get a crusty roll and butter. This time I ordered a small, and got the pastry to go. I told myself that I'd quit eating when I wasn't hungry anymore. Now, when you're eating something you love, that really isn't easy! I kept hoping I wouldn't feel not hungry until after the mac and cheese was gone! It was really funny. I actually left a bit of bread. TBM wanted pizza for dinner. I had 1 slice. So, all in all, for me, it was a great treat day. Easily half the amount I'd have eaten previously. So yay me!
Now the rub.
Wednesday is my day off so I can play Mah Jongg. I love that stupid game! I've had a FABULOUS week at work. I showed houses on Tuesday that looked like they might lead to a sale. I put an application for residency in for a guy that wants to buy a home. He can't start the process until he's approved. SO, Wednesday I went in to work ONLY to check my computer to see if he was approved yet and then to email him to let him know. I had my oatmeal before I went and I was going to plan my food when I got back home. I knew I'd be at work 10 minutes max. That was at 9AM. I didn't get home from work until 6:30! He was approved AND I sold 2 homes that day, so it was worth it. Here is the blow by blow.
1.)Flew home around 2 to grab something for lunch and take it back to the office. I hadn't cooked the meat for a sandwich yet. I didn't have time to cook an egg. I didn't have any fat free cheese. I didn't have any fruit. I grabbed a yogurt, but I was really hungry. I saw the left over pizza from the previous night. I talked to myself out loud. I took it out. I put it back. I shut the fridge door and leaned on the kitchen sink and talked to myself. I left with the piece of pizza hanging out of my mouth! I figured I'd just count the points for it as I do have 49 extra to work with. No problem.
2.) I sold a house and was on a high! Called TBM and said 'we're going out for Mexican tonight, Mama just sold a house!'. He was of course thrilled...about both!
3.) There's where the nagging began. My mind, the bitch, was giving me grief. You don't need 3 margaritas. You know you'll have 3 because you're a margarita whore and they're only 99 cents tonight. You'll eat a whole basket of chips. Do you REALLY think that's good for you? Will you stop when you're satisfied? No, the alcohol will dull your senses and you'll eat like a pig. Oink oink baby!
4.) I called TBM and told him that no matter how I begged, don't give in and take me to Mexican tonight. We had left overs. He was good with that. He wouldn't have followed through though. If I'd come home and demanded to go, we'd have gone. LeSigh.
5.) I called TBM later and said 'I sold ANOTHER house!'. He was pumped! I said 'We're definitely going to Mexican now!'. He said OK! Asshat.
6.) Doing paperwork, the nagging began again. How am I ever going to learn anything if the very first time I want to eat, I do. I was happy and I eat when I'm happy. I need to quit associating food with emotion. That's what this new program is all about. SOOOOOO I called TBM AGAIN.
7.) He cooked up the ground turkey in the fridge and seasoned it up taco like. He chopped lettuce and diced onions. (not an asshat anymore)I got home and opened the wine bottle and had 1 glass. We had taco salads at home. Yes, I used tortilla chips. Yes, I had real cheese. Yes, I used guac. I did pay attention and I did quit when I wasn't hungry anymore and I didn't have anything else later. I counted the points for ALL of it.
The pizza, the chips, the guac, you name it, I counted all the points. NOW here's the problem. See, I told you this was long. Sorry, it's helping me.
Problem. I get 49 extra points a week...that breaks down to 7 a day. Staying on the SFT program I need to know I have those 7 a day as so many things aren't covered. That one day, THE FIRST DAY OF THE PROGRAM WEEK MIND YOU!!! I used 20 points plus! When the hell did a slice of pizza become 10 points??? Holy crap my glass of wine was 5...glad I didn't have 2!!! That was 3 days of points. THREE DAYS IN ONE DAY!!!
So, Thursday rolled around and holy shit it was hard to stay good. My mind is in a whirl. You can't use points. You need to save them for later in the week. Blah blah blah. It was another long day at work. I ate breakfast before I went and planned my lunch. Of course when I popped home to get my lunch, TBM had eaten it already! It ended up being an on program day but not without a lot of mind games and I didn't like that.
I've learned a lesson from this. I will think long and hard in the future before just grabbing food.
I will be prepared always. Even if it's something in the freezer I can grab and pop in the micro at work.
Yes, I might be old, but I've learned. I had feelings this week I've never had and I don't like them.
I'm trying to do what I tell others all the time. Put it in the past and move on.
It's not easy for sure.
TODAY I'M NOT WORKING! I'M GOING TO GET MY MIND TOGETHER!
Peace be the journey
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
I'm excited, and nervous.
This week using the Simply Filling Technique has been really awesome. It really got me more in touch with my body and mind.
Why am I nervous? I did so well this week I really want to show a loss. BUT. I didn't begin the program until Thursday so it hasn't had a full week to really compare apples to apples. AND. Before Thursday, I was eating out of control. Wednesday nights dinner was Mexican with mucho margaritas and basket after basket of chips and lots of ooey gooey cheesy food to follow. I do love my Mexican!!!
My mind is all over the place right now. I became a new grandma again last night. My newest angel is named Bree. She was 6 weeks early, but still weighed in at a bit over 5 pounds. I'm praying she thrives.
So, let's just go to bullets and I'll follow up tomorrow with a real blog!
* I'm going to do this another week
* I didn't eat at night just because I wanted to eat. If I was truly hungry, I had something. I love popcorn. I wanted popcorn. I wasn't hungry so I told myself no.
* The one night I was really hungry, I had popcorn and it was amazing.
* I had to learn new things this week. That was good for me.
* I usually take my weigh in day as a free day. I eat whatever (and usually everything in mass quantities) I want. IF I choose to do this today, I think I will be able to use the 'only eat until satisfied' trick I learned this week.
* Only eating when hungry, and then only eating until satisfied and not full has been amazing.
* I am worried I didn't get all my nutrition in. I will pay more attention this week.
* I didn't eat any junk or processed foods. That's gotta be good!
* If we go to the movie, we go on Tuesday as they have $1 movie popcorn. I won't pay $5.40 for a small popcorn EVER. So, this is huge, from now on, if we go to a movie, it will NOT be on a Tuesday. I will take my own popcorn on another day. You have no idea how big that really is. I'm telling you peeps...that is big!
* I created a lot of new recipes last week. Some of them were really good!!
I'm off to shower and get ready for my meeting. I need to gear myself up for a gain and tell myself it was from what I did BEFORE Thursday and not after. Next week will be a true test of the SFT plan. I want it to work. I like the freedom and the strictness all at the same time. It's what I need in my life right now so I'm really hoping I can make it fly.
Wish me luck!
Peace be the journey
Saturday, August 27, 2011
I don't want to go to jail, so you can get the first recipe here. Hungry Girl...some of her recipes rock, some suck. This one was a winner. It was easy to fix and TBM loved it. I will fix it different next time. Yes, there will be a next time. Here's my take on it. Oh wait, first, I actually took a picture of it simmering in the pot!
OK, my opinion of the recipe. The broth was actually very good. I didn't expect that from canned chicken broth, packaged broccoli slaw, and no veg sweating or anything. I followed the recipe (well mostly) so I'd know if it needed tweaking. It didn't. Changes I made....it called for bamboo shoots. Gag me. I used water chestnuts, that I slivered instead. Awesome choice. Added crunch and loved it. I couldn't find straw mushrooms, so I substituted canned shitake. I won't use schrooms at all next time. They were rubbery and the texture was wrong for the rest of the soup. Also, next time, I won't use won ton wrappers. I'll make tiny meatballs instead. I liked the meat mix, but I didn't like the won ton packages. They were cute and all, but I thought they had a slimy texture that I didn't like.
So, next time it will be Asian meatball soup. Less points too. A win win for me!
I'll tell you about the fruity and tangy meatballs another time.
Peace be the journey
Friday, August 26, 2011
So, I put my thinking cap on this week, hence the title, 'Good little thinky girl'...bet you thought I'd never get to the tie in eh????
Yesterday was a revelation for me. I've been following the WW program off and on since 1977. Yesterday was the first truly free day I've really ever felt being on program. Wow...that's really saying a lot isn't it??
I'm following what WW calls the Simply Filling Technique...SFT from here on in! It boils down to you eat from a list of power foods. You can have any of it, whenever you are hungry and eat until you are satisfied. Simple? Ahhh, not so fast Jack.
Do you know when you are hungry? Oh sure, sometimes we all do. Sometimes we'll be doing something and our stomach growls, we might even be light headed...in fact, I am both of those right now. BRB I'm going to go eat breakfast! Ahh, much better. Secondly, do you know when you are satisfied? It's not as easy as it sounds.
I spent a lot of time yesterday asking myself if I was hungry. It was lunch time and there I was. Self? Are you hungry? Heavy thinking commenced. OK people, here's my first clue. If I have to stop and ask myself if I'm hungry, I probably am not. That was a bit easier than the satisfied thing.
Dinner time rolled around. I was hungry. I fixed a beautiful meal. I portioned it out on my plate and I couldn't wait to eat it. All of it. It wasn't a big serving and I'd have eaten all that and more on the Points Plus program. I was really enjoying my meal. I stopped half way through and sat there for a minute or two. Made myself really think...am I still hungry? OR, am I satisfied? We all know it takes longer for our brain to register full and we really should quit eating before we get full. So, I think satisfied is the key to the SFT plan. I decided I wasn't still hungry, so that meant I was satisfied. I quit eating. I knew that if I was hungry later, I could have more. I didn't get hungry later.
I wanted to eat when watching TV and several times I had to ask myself, are you hungry? Hmmmm as much as I wanted to feel my tummy rumble because I wanted to eat something, it didn't. Bastard. For the first night in many, many, many nights, I didn't eat anything after dinner.
I don't know if I'll lose anything this week, but it sure is making me think. It's going to help me get in touch with my body, my thoughts, and my feelings. I have to think that's a good thing.
If I go back to Points Plus, and keep implementing the 'eat when hungry and ONLY until satisfied' way of life, I have to think that's a win win!
So far I'm pleased with what I'm learning and how I'm feeling and the freedom it's giving me.
Peace be the journey
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Don't suppose any of you remember that cheer from school days? Hrumph, well I do! Yes, tongue is extended here.
As I've gotten older, I may have got a wee bit set in my ways. I know, gasp right? Sitting here this morning, in the quiet, reading and drinking coffee, I read this. OK, here's the 'give credit part'. I was reading my daily email from 'managing menopause'. I think I clicked on the wrong part of it, as this is a series by Jillian Michaels. I do love her. It was a series of questions asking me if I was proactive, or reactive. OK, up to speed now? Here's the meat.
"To succeed in life, you have to be open to changing, learning, and growing. Makes sense, right?"
Well, it does to me. If we want to change our fitness level, or diminish some of our fat stores, we need to make changes. How open are you to change though? Really. Are you a talker about it, or a doer? I don't like change. I like getting up in the morning, drinking coffee, reading emails, blogs, etc. I like to spend 2-3 hours doing this. Then I go to work. I tell myself I should get up and exercise, but I'll do it after work as I like my morning routine. Do I do it after work? Ah no. It's that set in my ways thing. That's gotta change.
"And to change, learn, and grow, you need to have the proper tools. That way, when the opportunities to show your stuff arise, you're ready to take them on and embrace the challenges."
As you know, I follow Weight Watchers. They give me the tools. Do I use them to their fullest? Nope. Damn stubborn woman! This week, I'm changing things up. I'm going to follow their 'Simply Filling Technique'. Scary? You bet your ass. All kinds of windows for a weight gain this week. It will keep me thinking though. Keep me on my toes. The main tool we use in the SFT is our own body to gague hunger. We can eat any of the power foods when we're hungry. Truly hungry. I think a lot of us eat just because it's a meal time. We've been taught to not let ourselves get too hungry or we'll binge. I understand that, but I also think we need to not fear hunger. I feel the slightest tinge of hunger and I think if I don't eat right away I'm going to die. "I'm starving to death" is a favorite phrase of mine. At night, I eat when I'm not hungry. I don't over eat, but I eat. There is no reason, in my humble opinion, to eat if you're not hungry. This week, I'm going to try to let my body be the guide. It's very scary as I have never tried to learn the different phases of hunger. Old dog, new trick. Look at me go!
Tummy, commence rumbling sequence!
Peace be the journey
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
* How to give directions via eating establishments. Go the the McDonald's and turn right. As soon as you see the Dairy Queen, hang a quick left. If you see Arby's, you've gone too far. Make a U turn at Panera Bread and start slowing down when you see the Burger King.
* People can be real assholes to fat folks. They make comments that I guess they think we can't hear because of the fat blockage in our ear canals.
* A lot of the population think fat = stupid, and also fat = lazy. A lot of the population should live a day in my body. They would be amazed how my mind works and how much I can accomplish in a day. F'ing ass hats.
* A can of pringles fits perfectly in the cup holder of your car making for easy snacking.
* If you carefully tear the paper cover off said can of Pringles, you can put it back over the opening and put the plastic cap over that and nobody will know the can is open. They won't want to open it, so you can eat all the Pringles yourself and then toss the can.
* People that are fit and healthy think they know it all. They also feel they have the right to tell you what you are doing wrong with your life. Some will even cut you off because you're too stupid to get it. Thier topple isn't going to be pretty.
* After getting out of the shower, a hair dryer can be used for more than drying hair.
* Desitin isn't just for babies.
* To ask for a table and not a booth in a restaurant.
* That even though I love roller coasters and amusement park rides, I don't fit in them.
* That people think it's OK to joke about my fat to me. I don't joke about your ugliness to you, or your being handicapped. Shut the hell up it's not funny.
* If you hide cookies in a container marked 'vegetable soup' in the freezer, they will be all yours!
* My ass does not fit on the toilets in some public rest rooms without touching things I don't want it to touch.
* One size does not fit all!!
* If you ask one time for a seat belt extender on an airplane, and just never give it back, you never have to ask again. I've had one for 10 years now. I'll leave it when I'm through so it's not like I stole it. I just borrowed it.
* That when seatbelts in cars became manditory years ago, mine didn't go around me.
* Back in the day, my doctors scales didn't go past 300 pounds. I couldn't be weighed.
* In addition, if you went to Weight Watchers at that time, there was a special weight they attached to the scale to allow you to be weighed on their scales.
* That I've met lasting friends here in the blog world that I'd never have met if I'd been fit and trim.
We can't go back and undo. We can only go forward and do.
Peace be the journey
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
I stole that from Jack Sh*t's blog. He was blogging about this guy. It was this guy that used the phrase 'personal demons'. Whew, with me on all that?
OK, here's the scoop. Do you know what your personal demons are? I've often thought of it. I have no idea.
You can't get as fat as I did and not have some kind of emotional or psychological problem. Something is out of whack up there.
I'm not going to boil your bunny or anything, but I'd sure like to know what I'm fighting here. What's off kilter?
I have no freaking idea.
What makes me not take control of my weight/health on a permanent basis?
What makes me want immediate gratification?
What makes me put off until tomorrow, and the day after, and the day after?
What allowed me to lose 170 pounds, and then gain back 60 of it?
I don't know.
I don't suffer from any lack of self confidence. I was never abused as a child. My parents were loving. I had good friends growing up and still do to this day. I did OK in school. I went to college. So, all of the 'usual' demons don't seem to apply to me. I don't know what grisly beast has his talons in me, but I am ready to shed him once and for all.
I had a realization just now though. Perhaps I don't have to know what the problem is. Maybe I'll never know. Maybe I'll just get on with life.
Ya, I like that. I'm going to get on with life. Care to join me?
Peace be the journey
Monday, August 22, 2011
You know, in the morning. When I go to Weight Watchers. After another, YES ANOTHER, week of unbridled eating.
Weigh In Nancy- Hi! How was your week??
Fat Uber Calorie Konsuming Unendingeating Princess- Awesome!!!
WIN- I'm ready, step on the scale.
FUCK UP- Okey dokey!
WIN- Holy shit! What happened???
FUCK UP- Well, I was giving myself a bikini wax. Yes, I realize that I'm 52 years old, never had one, not sure why I need one, but it just seemed the thing to do. I got a bit carried away with the wax and ripped off things that should have remained in place. I was forced to go to the doctor and she gave me steroids and they made me puff up and retain this 8 pounds.
WIN- So you were a dumb ass hat and ate like a pig again this week? You failed to move your ass AGAIN this week? You ate no fruit, no veg, no milk, and no whole grain AGAIN this week?
FUCK UP- Ya, or it could be that.
Peace be the journey
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
I just want to share the quote with you. I want you to read it. Wrap your brain around it. Put your own spin on it. It really hit home to me. I thought 'how true!!!'
Luanne's spin was this:
"Last night the chapter was about what freedom really is. It said freedom isn't about doing whatever you want its about discipline. Doing what ever you think feels good eventually ends in slavery."
Damn, did she get the smart genes in our family or what????
"Discipline awakens us from our philosophical stupor and refines every aspect of the human person. Discipline doesn't enslave or stifle us; rather it sets us free to soar to unimagined heights. It sharpens the human senses allowing us to savor the subtler tastes of life's experiences. Whether those experiences are physical, emotional, intellectual or spiritual, discipline elevates them to their ultimate reality. It heightens every human experience and increases every human ability."
Soar to unimagined heights....wow! Who's with me?????
Peace be the journey
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
OMG - Did you just say visualize daily and take baby steps?!
Look out world, Debby's eyes just closed (you are now closing your eyes to visualize), and everything is about to change."
I've said it before, and I'll say it again. I LOVE MY NOTES FROM THE UNIVERSE!!! You can get your own notes here.
Thoughts become things... choose the good ones! ®
© www.tut.com ®
Peace be the journey
Monday, August 15, 2011
When I smoked, I smoked 4 packs a day.
When I got fat, I got 368 pounds fat.
Ah, but today, when surfing for addictive personality traits, I realized I don't really have one.
Why is that, you ask?
Well, because basically (other than buying things I don't need now and then) those pretty much are the only 'to excess' things I did/do.
I am fine with one glass of wine. I would, however, love to have a glass every night. I don't, because I am afraid it would turn into a whole bottle. Every night.
When I gamble, I only take what I can afford to lose.
I do believe in the grey area. I just haven't mastered it yet. I'm trying to get away from the all or nothing mentality. I know it's there though.
So, sitting here, I wonder if telling myself I have an addictive personality in itself is a crutch?
Do I give myself the green light to eat things I shouldn't, when I shouldn't, because I'm an addict?
Do I tell myself I'll figure it out later, right now I'm a victim?
Do I tell myself I need to sit down and write everything down, get it all on the same page, and THEN I'll know what my problems are?
Yep. I do.
I don't believe anymore that I'm fat because I like food. Oh, I love food, but my unwillingness to curb the eating of bad things, that's more than just liking food.
I believe I've got a brain blip that needs shocking to get back on the right screen.
OK, so now that I believe that, how do we fix it?
I'm thinking NO might work. What a concept eh??
I want to buy a Keurig coffee maker (the $179 one of course). NO!
I really want a new blender. NO!
Last night, around 10PM I went into the kitchen. I wasn't really hungry, I just wanted to eat. Kitchen is kind of bare, I chose a banana. Nothing wrong with that you say? Of course there was. I wasn't hungry, I didn't want a banana, I just wanted to eat. Hmmm why? I have NO idea. Did I tell myself no? Nope.
Perhaps the way for me to break my addictions, is just say NO.
If I was truly hungry, a carrot would work.
Do you have this problem? I'm not the only one am I? How do you handle the inner voices?
Today I promise to tell myself NO once.
Who knows, maybe it'll catch on!
Today, I'm telling myself I'm not a food abuser, I'm 'just' a user. Users can quit any time. They're not addicted.
I'll let you know how that works for me!
Peace be the journey
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Saturday, July 9, 2011
Ahem. No idea where that came from!
Anyhooooo....I'm sure you're all familiar with the story. Four friends taking a hike to find what they want most in the entire world.
Scarecrow wants a brain.
Lion wants courage.
Tin man wants a heart.
Dorothy wants to go home.
They stick together on their arduous journey. Nothing can beat them down because they're a team. Witches? Nope. Living trees? Hell no. Flying monkeys? Bring those evil little critters on. The fab 4 can take them on.
The blog world is like that for me. It's my Oz. Some of you are my wizards. I learn so much from you. Some are my little munchkins. You make me laugh. We might not all be striving for the same thing, but we're all walking down the same yellow brick road to get us where we need to be.
I know I could do it alone, but I don't have to. I have a tough time and I might think of something that one of you said, and all of a sudden, it's a little easier. I talk about you at my WW meetings. You're a part of my life. I get a comment from one of you, and it's like the tin man getting his heart! Someone sends me a text msg saying 'good job', and it's just the same feeling the lion had when the Wiz pinned that badge of courage on him!
One thing I want us all to remember.
When the Fab 4 finally got to meet the great and wise wizard, he showed them they had the power inside themselves to get where they were going, or what they wanted, all the time.
We all have it inside us to reach our goal. We might think we need to search, find the magic potion, but it's within us already.
Follow the yellow brick road.
One brick at a time boys and girls, one brick at a time.
Peace be the journey
Thursday, July 7, 2011
I get many daily emails. One of them is called 'Managing Menopause'. God help me, I sure the hell need this one!
Just because the friggin monkey on my back is menopause, yours might be loneliness, depression, stupidity. Oops, sorry, menopause made me say that. You see, I've lost all patience with stupid people! If you're stupid, I apologize. Go learn something!
So, a tiny bit of background.
The BEFORE Debby was:
* Happy, full of joy, always
* Worry free (oh there were problems, she just never worried about them)
* Able to leap tall buildings.
* OK, so I couldn't leap, but I could move without pain!
* Patient, caring, giving
* She slept like a baby
* She lost weight if she tried
The AFTER Debby is:
* Happy rarely. Joy is a thing of the past.
* Full of stress and worry.
* Everything hurts so bad it' hard to move. I'm 52 and feel like 92.
* I'd just as soon run you over with my car than take time to help you.
* With anything. Teach you? Screw that shit. Listen to you? No F'in way.
* Sleep? WTF is that???
* I've gained so much weight it just floors me.
* Oh there's a ton more but I've depressed myself here!
So, today I read this little gem and I can't get it off my mind. From that newsletter I told you about remember? I don't want to get sued for plagiarism because I have NO f'ing money! Oh I forgot to add that in my little bullet point above! Ahem, gem. Coming up.
Although we think we act because of the way we feel, in fact, we often feel because of the way we act.
Vicious circle? Catch 22? Maybe. Maybe not.
So, I have a crap day and come home and vent to TBM. Makes me feel better right? Gets it off my chest, clears the air, and I'm 100% now. Not so, according to this article. They say that...oh hell I'm going to do a cut and paste here! "Wrong. Contrary to popular notion, aggressive “venting” doesn't relieve bad feelings, but fuels them. Studies show that blowing up, punching a pillow, yelling, or slamming doors makes you feel worse, not better."
Holy shit I've been doing it wrong! All wrong.
Maybe if I act like I'm happy, I'll get happy?
Maybe if I get out and go for a walk, it'll get easier, and I won't hurt so much?
Let's snowball that just a bit.
If I get out and walk, move, just a bit, maybe it would be easier to lose weight?
For those of you that doubt it, it is MUCH harder to lose weight as you get older. Don't think it's a bunch of BS. I'm here to tell you it's the truth. So, if you're younger, and yes that means under 40, get your ass in gear. It's much easier at that age than it is at 50.
One more tiny thing. Selfishness. I've always considered myself a selfish person. I never hid that or sugar coated it. Oh I loved doing for others, but I didn't skimp on myself. I've quit doing that. I'm not taking time for me. For doing the things that are important to me.
I'm not reading magazines.
I'm not taking time to plan meals.
I'm not making time for exercise.
I'm not making time to pray.
I'm not taking time to find the joy in life. It has to still be there. It couldn't have gone away.
I'm letting worry over run me. I'm letting my health problems get the best of me.
I'm fucking done. Today.
Today I will smile more.
Today I will move more.
Although we think we act because of the way we feel, in fact, we often feel because of the way we act.
Today I'm going to try acting more like the old Debby.
Want to play along?
Peace be the journey
Friday, July 1, 2011
You are who you are in private.
When you're alone, and nobody is around to see you, what you do, what you think, that is who you are.
If you're out in public, and see someone asking for a hand out, and you drop a quarter in his cup, that's not who you are. If you are locking up your office door and there is nobody else around and a homeless guy comes up and asks for money for food. What you do right there, that is who you are.
If you write a weight loss blog, that doesn't mean that is who you are. You can write all day about being healthy. You can write about exercising. What you do when you aren't writing, that is who you are.
Do you like who you are in private? Do you like who you REALLY are?
If not, what are you going to do to change it?
Deep thoughts for today.
Peace be the journey
PS:Danica is giving away popchips!!! Go check it out quick!
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Can you remember the joy you felt when you set a goal for yourself and reached it?
My friend Heather does. Just read this. Look at this picture.
I'm so proud of her. Not only for her running goal, but her healthy living mojo she passes on to me.
This woman is an inspiration to me. She's reached her weight goal. She's active. I want to be just like her! I woke up this morning fighting with myself to be on program today. Will I? Won't I? Seeing Heather was just what I needed. That and the quote at the bottom of this post that I've adopted as my mantra. It honestly works for me.
A picture is worth a thousand words. I think her picture speaks volumes! Go on, go see it. You know you want to!
I can choose to be a success or I can choose to be a failure. I will be what I choose. I know which I'm choosing today.
Peace be the journey
Friday, June 17, 2011
Frosted cauliflower. Now, don't be sticking your nose up! Give it a chance. At least go over and have a look at it!
Nutmeg Notebook posted this recipe a month or so ago.
I finally tried it tonight! It was fabulous! Really and truly.
I took a picture of mine, but hers is prettier as I forgot the paprika. Do yourself a favor and run over and check this out.
I will fix this again.
Keep sharing your recipes people. I, for one, appreciate them!!! Thank you Tami for this one!!!
Hey, it was a veg and I liked it!!!
Peace be the journey
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Grown ups are too.
Were you mocked as a child? I was. I still am. I've always tried to laugh it off. Play the clown. But you know what? It hurts like hell. It always has. It always will.
I'm watching Extreme Makeover:Weight Loss that I DVR'd on Monday. Dana is walking across a big God damned bridge (will splain that later) and a homeless man is mocking him. A freaking homeless man!! Just yelling out Faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat! Faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat! Cow! Trainer finally can't stand it and goes off on the homeless guy. That's when I hit pause.
I want a trainer. I want every fat person in the world to have someone like that. Someone to jump to our defense, to be there for us when the assholes of the world mock us.
Yes, so OK when pigs fly out of my ass and sprinkle pixie dust that turns into money when it falls. That is when we're going to have someone to defend us always. So I guess we have to do it for ourselves.
Next time someone mocks me I'm not going to laugh. I'm going to let them know it hurt. Then I'm going to let them know they're ignorant mother fuckers because that's just the way I roll. I want to be a 'turn the other cheek' kind of girl....but I'm not. I'm a vindictive bitch.
Have you ever had anyone stand up for you? I don't really count TBM as well, husbands just have to do that shit. Remember, I'm 52 years old. I've had one person stand up for me in 52 years. One. I was 14 years old. My girlfriend Nancy was the hero. We had ridden our bikes down to the convenience store. She was getting a gallon of milk. I was probably buying potato chips. Some boys were laughing and pointing. That was nothing new to me. They always laughed and pointed. God I hated that. It hurt so much. They jeered. Yes, they jeered. One of them said 'Weighs 500 pounds'. Nancy looked with disgust at them. As only a waif of a girl with long blond hair down to her ass could do. If they had nads yet, I'm sure her look could have withered them. She raised her eyebrows and with mock innocence said 'Oh my, does milk weigh that much?'. It shut them up. We left. I knew I had someone in my corner. I have never forgotten that.
PS: Big God damned bridge. TBM and I were going to New Jersey to visit my brother somewhere around 1983. My dad in all his navigational wisdom was telling us how to get there. We had to cross the George Washington bridge. Daddy couldn't remember the name of it, but he kept calling it 'The big God damned bridge'. He must've said it 20 times! Every time we get on a bridge now, one of us will inevitably ask if it's a 'big God damned bridge'. Daddy died in 2005. He's left me with so many memories I'll never forget.
Peace be the journey
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
I was reading a few of my favorite blogs, as I'm wont to do when I don't want to do what I really should be doing. C'mon, you know you do it too!!!! Renee from My Kitchen Adventures posted all about these little babies!!!! Yes, I know that's a hell of a long link...I just couldn't decide which part to highlight!
Anyway, silicone egg poachers. Freaking awesome!!!!! Read about hers, read about mine, then run out and get yourself some! They work. No mess, no hassle, very little clean up! Loved them! I don't usually like a lot of pictures, it makes me dizzy to scroll down to look at them. I can't help it, I need to include all 6 here!
Without further ado.....Pixie's version of Huevos Rancheros. Clocked in at 6 PointsPlus. I added some Guiltless Gourmet tortilla chips to the mix for an extra 2 points.
Here is my egg in it's adorable little silicone nest. I sprayed it with non stick cooking spray first.
I brought a few inches of water to boil in the pan and then gently set my little boat afloat. I covered the pan.
I set the timer.
I used a slotted spoon to remove the egg. Pan is pristine. Slotted spoon clean as all it touched was the silicone cup.
One little slip of my spoon around the edge of the cup and the egg slid right out onto my waiting mountain of goodness. Not one thing left in that silicone cup. Clean as a whistle. Nothing stuck. Getting the idea it worked well???
Finished product. It was so good! The egg made it rich. I even forgot the chips until half way through the meal. Yes, that is indeed a dinner plate. It was a mountain of yumminess!
It was a meal I'd eat again in an instant. I make my own taco meat with ground turkey. I had 1/4 cup of fat free refried beans on the bottom. Yes TJ that is indeed green stuff! Romaine. A little salsa for zing. Yummy!
I got these Norpro egg cups from Amazon. I ordered 1 set of 2. I just now placed an order for 5 more sets. I wanted another for myself and several of my friends in the park wanted them too after hearing me rave about them at Mah Jongg today. I'm sure you can find them at a local store. I give them two thumbs up!
Peace be the journey
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
All that you need to have all that you want, Debby, will be provided, as if by magic, once you know what you want and do something about it every day.
No matter what,
Wow....what a concept! What if when we were floundering, or even off the deep end in our journey to health, hotness, or hell I don't know what, if we just did something every day.
When I was so far off plan here the last year, I didn't really know where to begin. It seemed overwhelming to me to just give up the bad habits and dive into the good. That's what took so long. 65 pounds long.
What if, when I fell off the horse and the bastard ran away on me, I did just one thing. What if I ate one veg a day. What if I did that for a whole week and then the next week did something else? What if I went for a 5 minute walk instead of doing nothing at all? Maybe after a few weeks, the gap between my insane out of control life style & some semblance of healthy behavior wouldn't have seemed so wide.
Are you out there in the same boat I was? Sinking fast? You know what you want...it just seems to difficult to obtain it.
Today do something.
No matter what.
Peace be the journey
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Let us begin it.
Take a potato and skin it.
Pass the cake for Christ's sake.
Sorry, that came to mind, therefor, had to be shared.
Tomorrow is the day I get back on program. By the time any of you read this, it will be the day. It's been a long time coming. I've been dragging my feet. Making every excuse in the book. Even tonight I caught myself thinking...just one more day. I'll start Thursday. Well, I've one more day'd myself into about 65 extra pounds that I didn't have a year ago. That I didn't need. That I didn't want.
So, enough with the 'tomorrow'. Tomorrow is here and it's now today.
I can choose to be a success or I can choose to be a failure. I will be whichever I choose.
What do I choose? This was me 65 pounds ago. I choose to be this again.
What do I choose? This was me 65 pounds ago. I choose to get here again.
Monday, June 6, 2011
Thank fuck weight loss isn't like that eh?????
How many times have we dropped the baton? I know I've dropped that bitch so many times I can't count them.
What's the difference between a 4 by 4 relay and weight loss when it comes to dropping the baton? Well, in weight loss you can pick it up and keep going. You can pick it up, dust it off, and continue on your journey. You can still win. That is so deep I need to say it again.
You can still win.
Have you started a weight loss program so many times you can't count? So what. Start it again. This time might be the time you win. You can't win if you don't keep trying that's for damn sure.
Take a deep breath, push your fears aside, grab a fresh baton and spring off that starting block. Oh, you might falter, you might fall flat on your face. You're rusty after all. It's fine. It's a healthy lifestyle. It's not a one shot deal.
People may give you eye rolls. I mean really, you've tried this so many times before. Screw them and the horse they rode in on. Just do it for you. Nobody else. Just you.
There is a winner in each of us just aching to get out. I've been stuffing my winner with food. I've been sitting on my fat ass so she can't excel. Well, enough is enough. That bitch wants out! She wants to show me what she's got.
I think I'll let her.
How about you? Are you squashing your inner winner? How about assuming the position and reaching for that baton? You can be on my team! You know.....the winning team!
Peace be the journey
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
OK, I hear you saying 'What the hell?? Is she back on the crack again???' Stop that! In case you don't know, at WW they hand out little stars that say 'bravo' on them when you do something good. You know, like when you were in kindergarten and got a gold star in the middle of your forehead? I went to Catholic school and the nuns had it in for me so I never got one of those. Bitches scarred me for life I tell ya! I try to make up for it in Bravo's.
My Weight Watcher meeting was good yesterday. I took a picture of the flip board the minute I walked in as I knew just who I wanted to hand a great big BRAVA to!
I mean I saw it, I read it, and immediately put it on Facebook for my gal TJ. Oh, I didn't stop there. When we discussed this in class, I shared just how much she has done for me. In case you don't know it, this girl has her doctorate in sticktoitidness. That is not an easy degree to earn! She is the perfect example of what happens a few ounces at a time. There is just nothing I can say to get across to her how much she motivates me always. Always.
It also got me thinking. Do we thank the people that mean a lot to us? If we don't, how will they know? Does TJ know what she's done for me? Probably not and I need to rectify that. We all need a foundation and a lot of the blogs I read provide that for me.
This was the last page at our meeting. My challenge for the week. So, I'd like to hand out great big thank you's now.
I read a lot of blogs. I only read the ones that inspire me, make me laugh, give me good recipes, make me think, or move me in some way or another. If I'm reading your blog, it's because you have done one or more of those things for me. I'd like to thank you. You just know I'm going to forget someone...I'm old. I forget. I'm sorry. I'm only talking about my healthy living blogs here. So, if you're another type of blog writer and you're not mentioned here, don't get your tighty whities in a bunch!
I miss Carlos and Fat Daddy. See, even if you quit blogging, sometimes you have made a lasting impression.
Heather gives me great recipes. She was a WW leader and has so much to offer. I'm still waiting for my 3 month journal cover from her! I just know it's going to be pink.
Diane. Wow. Just wow.
Simone. This young chickie is going to get her shit together one of these days and I'm going to be able to say I was there when she did it! I'm also going to meet her when I go to England next. She just doesn't know it yet.
Sue. OMG l augh until I nearly wet myself. I LOVE her name. She took a bit of crap for it at Fitbloggin...but I just love it.
Jack. Some of his shi* makes me snort. Some makes me think.
Marcy inspires me.
Peace be the journey
Thursday, May 26, 2011
I had several emails today asking where I've been. How awesome was that? Well, I guess I was listening to Thumper. If you don't have something nice to say, don't say nothin at all. I didn't have anything nice to say.
I just read a post by one of my faves where she talked about not having a filter.
I used to have one. I think it's clogged. I think it might need changing. I think a lot of things need changing. Except life. I am SO f'ing over this change of life shit. So, today, I'm taking the filter off. No rays of sunshine shooting out of my ass today boys and girls. Today, you get to hear how the real me is feeling. I'm not sure I've ever shared that. I wish to do it. Once. Just once. Yes, ONLY once.
Why? I've been happy all my life. I thought depression was in your mind. No pun intended. You're not feeling happy? WTF is wrong with you? Suck it up, think happy thoughts and fart rainbows.
My life used to be filled with joy. Even when things went wrong, I was happy. I could ALWAYS find a bright spot. Riding around the park on the golf cart with the sun in my face and the breeze through my hair brought pure, unadulterated joy to my heart. Now? Not so much.
Things started going wrong. Still there was joy. My knees started hurting. A lot. Oh that's OK, knees aren't that important. Hips went the same way. Well, who needs hips anyway. Fingers locked up to the point I couldn't fasten my own bra. Thank God the shots helped with that. They're getting bad again now. Shoulder seized up. Therapy didn't help. Now my head is aching along with every single other joint in my whole body. Enough of this shit already! What's wrong with me? Do I have Lyme disease? I mean this started all at once. Why me? Oh yes, I also have a pain in my heel that is excruciating! It's not on the bottom where a bone spur would be...it's on the side...like I broke the damn thing. I wear shoes ALWAYS as it hurts to walk barefoot. My walking gait has totally changed. Now I lumber, I limp, I walk like an 80 year old. Getting out of the chair is agony. Fuck me sideways I'm falling apart.
The excessive thirst is driving me berserk. It's there always. It's intense. I can't go into a store without a bottle of water or I have a panic attack. WTF??? Yes, she did check for diabetes. I don't have it. She checked my thyroid too.
I've got these tiny little patches of itchy on my body. Hip, stomach, breast, just to name a few.
Don't even get me started on the tinnitus! OMG that'll drive you nuts if you let it.
Did I mention that on many occasions I don't make it to the bathroom? Ya, well I don't.
If I make a doc appointment to start sorting some of this shit out, she'll yell at me for gaining weight. I don't take that well these days.
Lots of ladies in the park keep telling me to go get hormones. That was easy for them in their day. They didn't know it could kill you. I'm trying to suck it up, tough it out, I really am. I just don't know if I can.
Shall I delve into the mental anguish? Oh let's do!
Money. You either have it or you don't. We used to. Now we don't. That sucks ass. I worry constantly. That's new also. I never worried before. If troublesome thoughts came into my mind, I shooed them out. Happy reigned supreme. Now I worry that we won't make it from check to check. My boy needed money for a new car. I didn't have it to give. I felt useless. I know, it's not my problem. I don't have a problem letting my kids stand on their own feet. I have a problem knowing that I can't help if I want to. The $1700 I gave him has to be paid back and I hate that. I'm not a doormat, never have been. I'm a mom. My dad helped me and I always wanted to help my kids. I at least wanted the ability to help them. As I said, I can and do say no. My job is seasonal. I don't know if I'll be asked back in October. If I knew that, I could relax. I just don't know. Den finally got a job this week. It took him 7 weeks. I had to stroke his psyche as that was new for him. He's always been able to walk out the door and get a job. Things are tough these days. I mean when it's hard for a guy with 35+ years experience as a chef to get a cooking job. It's sucking the big weenie for sure.
Friends. I'm so blessed to have a lot of good friends. I fear I'll drive them all away with the new me. I want the old me back. I want the old me that didn't get sudden, intense, feelings of anger and hatred coursing through her body and spewing out of her mouth. I used to laugh and say I was a bitch. Now I am one. I want my friends to understand this and not use it against me. I need them to just understand it's not me and I can't help it.
I want to laugh again.
I never ever ever went a day without laughing. Hell, I never went an hour without laughing! I miss that.
So? Where have I been?
Wallowing in misery.
Bathing in pain.
Listening to the ugly that people tell me and believing it. Letting them drag me down to their level.
Gaining 60 pounds.
Feeling unloved and unwanted.
Crying. WTF I haven't cried in 30 years. Can't say that anymore!
Holy fuck that felt good. I guess I may be a bottler. Easier to bottle it up, eat it, than let it all out. I actually have a little glimmer of hope here now.
I think that may be all. I think this needs not be mentioned again. I think I'll just work on getting happy. Getting my mojo back.
I'll let you know how that works for me!!!
Screw, screw, screw. That's me putting the filter back on.
Not too tight though.....
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Busy? Hell yes.
I was in a mood. What can I say? Menopause is killing me. Damn near literally. I took one snarky comment to heart and said fuck it all, I'm not blogging anymore.
Now I say fuck it all...if you don't like what I write, don't read it. Don't critique my grammar, I'm not using any. Don't tell me I should write about this or that, it's my blog. I'll write about whatever I want. Don't piss me off or I'll either stab you in the brain, or cry tears all over you. Depending on what kind of day it is, I might pee on you. I'm telling you, menopause is NOT for sissies!
OMG WHITE WINE WENT UP TO 7 POINTS PLUS FOR A CUP!!!
Did I mention my mind wanders these days?
No? Well it does. My friend keeps saying he wants the old Debby back. So do I my friend, so do I.
The other day I sold a dresser. I went to put the $100 bill in my super secret envelope. It wasn't where I hide it. Oh dear Lord where was it? I looked everywhere. I took everything out of my closet & drawers. I looked in all my shoes I looked under the bed. I looked out in the shed. Ya, don't ask. I knew I'd taken it out of it's super secret hiding place to take $150 out for the guy putting in my new high rise toilets. I didn't want to put it back there, cuz maybe he saw me take it out, ya know? Ian found it. In the living room, stuffed into a book. A book that I had no recollection of stuffing anything into, never mind several hundred dollars. I put it in the bank. Shoot I was afraid I'd flush it down the toilet or something!
OFFS, I had NO intention of talking about any of that.
A matter of size.
Trying to get things in order here. Needed to unload a dresser for Ian. Thought I'd separate all the clothes of mine that were in the dresser into sizes and put them in under bed storage according to size.
I've never been one to have this problem. I've heard others talk about having several larger size clothes sets at hand. Not me. Only one. The one I'm in. That was fine until I gained a few pounds last winter. OK, more than a few. Still OK, until I was going on a cruise and had nothing comfortable to wear. So I bought a wardrobe. A bigger one. Retire the smaller one.
That was fine until spring. When it was time to go back to Michigan to get the house ready to sell and work my fat ass off all summer at the restaurant. I didn't have any clothes that were comfortable enough to ride 1500 miles in the truck in. So I bought a new wardrobe. A bigger one. Retire the smaller one.
That was fine until August when it was time to come back to Florida. My new home. The place where my heart, soul, and body belong. I didn't have any clothes that were comfortable enough to ride 1500 miles in the truck in. So I bought a new wardrobe. A bigger one. Retire the smaller one.
That was fine until it wasn't....you know the drill by now right?
I've never done this. I was actually shocked to put one crate with size 14's under Ian's bed. Followed by another with 16's & 18's. Followed by another with 20's & 22's. Panties ranging in size from 8-12...all under the bed. They're all too small.
Let me say that again.
Yes, I'm wearing a size 24 jeans. Granted, they are too big and I could easily wear a size 22, but for some fucking reason, I don't have any of that size!!!! So, I'm in a size 24.
Fuck me sideways.
I went back to Weight Watchers 3 weeks ago. I did nothing for the first 2 weeks. Then I had a stern talk with myself.
So, I'm back with the program.
Old dog, learning new tricks.
At least when I get too small for the clothes I'm wearing now, I'm covered.
When I get into the smaller ones, the bigger ones are going to charity. I'd like to say for the last time. I believe in my heart for the last time. I can't do this again. I just can't.
I'm back boys and girls.
I've a lot more to say.
Peace be the journey.