Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Kids are cruel

I don't like country music for the most part, but I do like Terri Clark. The first time I heard her song 'I'm an emotional girl', I thought wow, that's me! She sings "I'm an emotional girl, I can't help myself. Sometimes I laugh, sometimes I cry, sometimes I do both and I don't know why'. Oh ya, c'est moi!

Tonight watching 'The Biggest Loser' (after missing the first 40 minutes because my DVR did not DVR! grrrrrr), I started to tear up. Jillian Michaels was in a gym talking to a whole high school. One girl stood up, took the mic, and crying, poured her heart out. I could see girls behind her snickering. I just wanted to smack the smug right off their 'oh I'm so cool look at me' faces!

I was right back in school. I was that girl that everyone laughed at. Snickered at. Made fun of. Yes, from 1st grade on, I was the fat girl of the school. I went to Catholic school from grades 1-8. I was ALWAYS the fattest person in the school. Oh, no, not just the fattest girl. When I do anything, I do it well. I was the fattest person in the school. Tears streamed down that girl's face tonight, and mine also. I was re-living my childhood torture.

I went to high school. A big one compared to my Catholic school. My graduating class had 513. Grades 9-12 in the building, each class bigger than the one before....go ahead and do the math, I'll wait. Got a number in your mind? Good. I was the fattest person in my high school. Always. Kids are cruel I'm here to tell you.

So I wept for this girl I saw tonight, but I also wept for myself. Oh yes, I'm not above feeling sorry for myself. I try not to do it often, and I try not to share it. I have been known to wallow in self misery now and again, but I try to wallow in private.

It got me thinking. So many things right now in my life I can't control and I so want to. I want my house in Michigan to sell this summer. I want my 5th wheel and my truck to sell this summer. I want my park model here in the park to sell this summer. We found the house we want to buy here. I don't want anyone else to buy that house this summer. I'd like my fingers and shoulders and knees and ankles to all start playing nicey nicey long as I'm in want mode. Can I control any of that? Even one thing of it? No.

What can I control? I can control what I put in my mouth. Nobody takes that food and shoves it in my mouth. I do it all by myself. Why do I choose to stuff myself when I don't like what it's doing to me?

Maybe because I can? In a sea of 'I can'ts'?

Wow, that's heavy.

I can eat what I want because I can.

No kids to laugh at me now. Well, they still do, but I don't give a shit. Kids are little shits and their opinion means squat to me. Where I live, there are people bigger than me. Not many, but a few. I wasn't able to say that growing up. Perhaps I'm too comfortable not being THE fat girl? It's OK to keep eating as I'm not the fattest chick in the park?

I get teased a lot here because Den works and I play. I guess they figure I should be working also. Maybe they figure I don't appreciate all he does for me. They don't know shit either. People shouldn't assume. People are VERY good at assuming. Do they think we never discussed this? Do they think that he doesn't love this park as much as I do and is willing to work so we can have this? No, they think it's all about me. I used to think it was OK if they were talking about me, it meant they were leaving someone else alone. I don't think like that so much today. Do any of them stop to think that Den is only 57? Were they retired fully at 57? Doubt it, but maybe. We're not...can't afford any of this on a State of Michigan pension! Holy shit where did that come from? That's for another blog! Where was I?

Oh ya, kids are mean. They're like hyenas going in for the kill. Show weakness and you're dead. One will nip, the other bite, and soon you're laying on the ground dead thinking 'what the fuck happened???'. I felt sorry for that girl tonight, and I guess I'm feeling a bit sorry for myself too.

I don't like this much.

I guess I'll stop now.

I've got a lot of thinking to do.


Monday, April 26, 2010

Taking a pound of flesh

I'm a huge Shakespeare fan. The Bard and I go way back. He, farther than me of course. Today I'm not talking about old Willie.

People ask what your 'aha' moment was. What was the straw that broke the camels back? I've been trying to think lately, ya shut it. I can't honestly remember any one 'aha' moment. I don't know what made me decide at 368 pounds that enough was enough. Why not 369...I mean that has rhyme, ya know? I really don't know.

I do know what told me this time that it's time to put an end to my uncontrolled eating. Let me set the proverbial stage for you.

Most of you know I live 8 months in FL in a small park model trailer. Small being the key word here. There are 3 of us. The actual park model is 384 square feet. That's where we spend most of our time. We have a porch attached that adds a whopping 320 square feet to the house. On that 'porch' is our only table. There's not room for a table in the main part of the unit. Our washer and dryer are also out there. A sofa, a small chest freezer, and 2 free standing, wooden pantry units complete the inventory. Well, of what you can see that is. There are a set of glass sliding doors separating the front of the porch from the back. That back part is our bedroom. If we're talking square feet, we're talking maybe 100. I'd say that room is 10X10. We have a HUGE king size bed. Not a lot of room for maneuvering you say? You are right. The set up is thus. The door opens into the bedroom from the main part of the house. It used to be an outside door of course, so you open it and go down 2 large cement steps. Gotta love those steps in the morning when things are stiff! MY things. Knees, ankles, shoulders...get your mind out of the gutter for goodness sakes! Anyway, directly to your left is Den's night stand, the bed, my night stand. Directly in front of you, at the end of the bed is a dresser. To the right, are free standing clothes rods for our hanging clothes. Posh eh?

So....the bed against one wall takes up about 7 of the 10 feet....the dresser that is at the foot of the bed takes up over 2 more of the 10 feet. That leaves less than a foot to get through to my side of the bed. The dresser has sharp corners I found out the other night. I have to shinny past that every time I go to my side of the bed. The other night I turned sideways (as I do) to ninja past the dresser. My ass didn't make it. This is one of the places where my eating binge apparently has been manifesting itself. I threw myself sideways, but apparently all the fat in my ass didn't quite make the turn as it caught on the edge of the dresser and carved a good 6 inch gash into my flesh. Oh yes, it's still there. I'm sure this isn't what Shylock had in mind!

The aha wasn't that my clothes don't fit anymore and I had to go buy new ones. The aha wasn't that my knees are killing me from the extra weight. The aha wasn't that my face has gotten so fat I can see my nose and cheeks while looking straight ahead. The aha was when I tried to fillet my hiney on the edge of a dresser that I've been going past for 3 years now.

Don't even get me started on what the extra weight is doing to my 'I've had 3 kids so my bladder doesn't always work like it should' problem. Oh that is lovely to have to pee in the night and try to jiggle past the dresser sideways then go up 2 steps and across the hall to get to the bathroom in time. Yes indeed.

So, Shylock, screw Antonio. If you want your pound of flesh...come take mine.

Hell, take 25 of them!

Bring on the veggies!


Sunday, April 25, 2010

Down to business

So, I get this newsletter from The Duke Diet and Fitness people. I liked it. Here it is in it's entirety. Hope the hell I don't go to jail for plagiarism. I gave credit right? Here's the link so you can sign up for your own newsletter.

One way to think of approaching your weight-loss journey is to liken the process to that of running a business. In business, you begin with a detailed plan that includes specific information about your goals and what steps you plan to take to achieve them. Also in the plan is a list of possible obstacles you might face and the actions you will take to overcome them should they arise. Once you've thought through and planned for as many variables as you can think of, you open the doors and put the plan into play.

Over time, issues and circumstances will arise that you didn't foresee. But rather than declare the venture a failure and give up, you revisit your plan, fine-tuning it to address and overcome each challenge as it arises.

That's exactly what members of the Duke Diet & Fitness Online program do. They begin with a plan based upon what they know about themselves and their lifestyle now, and then adjust it as needed over time to ensure continued advancement toward their goals.

Along the way, we offer detailed information to make the plan work — from strategies for facing common dilemmas like plateaus and "diet fatigue" to tips for keeping up the momentum, overcoming slip-ups, and preventing the pounds from coming back. Consider us your key ally in this new venture to control your weight.

Often the reason people have trouble achieving their weight-loss goals is that they lack a comprehensive, long-term plan for achieving success. In our work with patients, we find that taking this long-term "business plan" approach to the business of health is very effective. And so will you!

This spoke to me. Especially the part where it says 'based upon what they know about themselves'. I know a lot about myself. Most things I try to ignore.

I know that if someone says 'c'mon let's eat'. I will, c'mon, and eat.

I know that if someone suggests wine and cheese, I want to be there.

I know that if someone says 'let's do Mexican', I want to do Mexican.

I know I love the taste and feel of food in my mouth.

I know I love the freedom of eating what I want, when I want it.

I know I need leeway. I need room to move. I need a plan that, if I want a glass of wine, I can have a glass of wine.

I need to learn moderation. Ya, I know, broken record.

I know a lot about myself. I need to think about it all in the next day or two and form a plan of action.

I need a plan in my mind of what to do if someone says 'hey let's do Mexican tonight', and I really shouldn't. I need to learn to tell myself no. Or, perhaps, that's the problem. I don't do 'no' well. Perhaps I need to learn to tell myself 'later', 'tomorrow', etc. Then, maybe tomorrow or later, I won't want what I want at the moment.

Yes, a lot of thinking shall be done here.

A plan shall be formed.

Pixie will begin to de-puff.



Sunday, April 11, 2010

Bon Voyage

Changes they are a comin.

Check back after my regularly scheduled break.

Yep, the Pixie and the Silverback are going on a cruise. We'll be hitting St. Thomas, St. Maarten, Turks & Caicos, and somewhere else I can't quite remember right now. We leave here in a few hours and will be back next Sunday.

Be ready for a new plan from moi. I've had enough. It's time to get back into action.

Yep it is.


Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Well crap

I guess it's time to start doing something.

I've been trying to figure out a way to get back into the groove. As I'm a list maker, I, of course, made a list.

Reasons why I don't want to get back on plan.
1. I don't wanna.
2. I don't want to have to plan what I'm going to eat and when I'm going to eat it.
3. I want to pop over to friends house and have wine if I want, or a cookie if I want.
4. I don't wanna.
5. I want to fix a lot more of the recipes in the new books I got.
6. I'm sure there's more reasons.

Reasons why I need to get back on plan.
1. My pants are tight. Yes, my fat pants.
2. My shirts don't fit nice.
3. I feel fat.
4. My face feels fat and I don't want wrinkles when it thins out so I can't let it get fatter.

What can I do to get back in the groove?

Here's the skinny boys and girls. I promise. Yep, I promise. Now, it may be one thing for you to promise you'll do something but never do it. Not moi. If I EVER say 'I promise'. I mean it, and it will be done.

First of all realize that I'm wayyyyyyyyy off track. Water? Only what's in my coffee. Exercise? From my chair to the fridge. Veggies? Only if ketchup counts. Fruit? There's a picture of a lemon on my Sprite Zero can.

So, without further ado. For the next 2 weeks I promise the following.

1. Exercise 20 minutes a day. Yes, even on the cruise.
2. Eat 2 veg every day. No, I won't get creative and count a potato chip as a veg!
3. Eat 1 fruit every single day. my mind this might get me back to more healthy behaviors. If I'm out there hoofing it for 20 minutes, I'm thinking I'll make healthier choices in food.

If I'm eating 2 veg a day, that's stomach space filled where a cookie, cake, or chips might have gone.

If I eat a fruit a day....see eating 2 veg a day.

I'm hoping that it'll be a snowball effect. If I eat 2 veg, I might challenge myself to eat 3. If I walk 20 minutes, I might say ohhhh 30 might feel better. I'm going to ease back into it with baby steps and expect the avalanche!

Let it snow baby, let it snow!


Saturday, April 3, 2010

Princess Pixie

That would be moi!

OK, this blog started as an email to a VERY caring lady. Diane, from over at 'Fit to the Finish' sent me an email. I started to reply to her email today, and it began to get blog like, so here it is! If you haven't read her blog, I suggest you mosey on over there and check it out. She has been there, fought the fight, and is maintaining. Oh ya, she's doing the big M, and doing it well! She was in SHAPE magazine this month. Pick that bad boy up and read it too. I did, in the line at the grocery store! It's the one with the chick in the red bikini on the front!

Diane had this to say. "I'm so sorry you are going through this right now. It's so frustrating when you feel yourself slipping and seemingly unable to grab onto anything to stop yourself. I would hate for you to lose ground."

Awww she cares! I care too. It's hard to be feeling the way I'm feeling right now. I care, and I don't care. I don't want to weigh 400 pounds again, but I also don't want to do what it takes to not weigh that! I'm definitely slipping and there's no knot in site!

I had told her that I don't feel guilty about gaining 20 pounds. I don't like it, but it is what it is. I'm a no guilt kind of girl. I'm uncomfortable in my clothes, but I don't feel guilty about it.

I'm not afraid to lose weight. I know fear rears it's ugly heads in some weight loss journeys. I'm not afraid to lose weight. I'm not afraid of how I'll look. I don't even want/need to get to my Weight Watcher goal. I just want to get back to 199 and stay there, perhaps forever. I liked how I looked at that weight. Oh, I know I was still fat, but I could accept that totally.

For those of you that don't know I live the ideal life here in Florida. Well, ideal for me. I'm a little social butterfly and I can flit here and there every single day in my park. I can also, lay on my lanai, alone, and read all day if I so choose. I love to play games and I have card games available 6 nights a week, and Mah Jongg (my real love) available 2 afternoons a week. I have water aerobics (ya I've been once in 5 years!!!), bocce ball, floor exercises, and all forms of dance ready for me to just jump in and participate. We have bingo and shuffleboard, book clubs, computer clubs, dances, and 2 libraries. We have 2 swimming pools (pool parties are SOOO much fun!!!) and a theater group. There is so much more I just can't even remember it all. I love the warm sun on my body here. I get a golf cart ride every single day. We have 2 nature trails here and I just love being charioted down them and spotting alligators and other creatures. The sun on my face and the breeze on my skin. God I'm getting all teared up about it. Yes, not a day goes by that I don't raise my face to the sun and thank God for letting me live this life.

Friends. OK, so that last paragraph got too long but I really wanted to include this part. Remember how hard it was to make friends when you were in school? Really good friends I mean? Maybe it wasn't for you, but it was for me. I had 2 best friends from kindergarten on. Made a few in college, but not as close. Don't even know where they are today. I thought moving here it would be Den, Ian, and me. I was so wrong! I've made friends here that are closer than any I've made the whole entire rest of my life! How can that happen? One couple in particular, I just can't imagine my life without them now. Never think it's too late to culture new relationships in your life. NEVER! I thank God for them every day too. Yep, I do.

So, if I'm not guilty, or afraid, or depressed, what am I?

I'm freaking lazy and selfish. Yep, that's me in a nutshell. Never do today what you can put off until next week. I want to lose 20 pounds but I don't want to do what it takes. I don't want to give up my way of life to do it. Plain and simple. I don't want to deprive myself and I don't want to look for this substitution or that one. I know.....what am I like?? My friend calls me HRH(her Royal Highness). Ian calls me Princess. They're right. I like being coddled and getting my own way. I like having it all. This is the end of the season here and we've had parties at least 3-4 days each week. Food? OMG to die for! I'm going on a cruise next week. Do I want to practice moderation? Ah no. I want it all. Princess Pixie indeed.

Yes, I know I need to come back down to earth. I know I need/want to lose that 20 I gained. I know I won't gain all my weight back. I know that for a fact. I'll get to it.


PS:I'm NOT giving up my tiara!!!!


Friday, April 2, 2010

I've lost my mind

If found. Please return!

I'm hoping it's menopause ruling my life these days and not dementia. I've lost all my marbles for sure. Hell I can't even find my marble bag. Good thing I'm female!

OK, so here's the skinny. I'm not.

That's right. I'm fat and I'm not jolly. I'm sitting here right now and I just feel fat. I can feel my fat jowls hanging down and my belly is just poofing out and uncomfortable. My clothes don't fit either. Gotta love that!

Thoughts. I didn't feel this fat when I weighed 25 pounds more a few years ago. Wonder why? Perhaps I was at 240 for so many years I was comfortable there. Perhaps I then got used to weighing around 200? I think so. I WAS of course fat at 200, but I didn't feel fat. Weird eh?

So, what am I going to do about it? I dunno.

I got my daily email from Jillian Michaels and I liked it. I shall ponder that. Pixies used to ponder you know. As I'm lazy, I'll cut and paste the email here. Share and share alike you know! All Jillian's crap is in bold blue.

First: Think long and hard about what you want. Make sure your goals are actually things you want to achieve, not what society dictates or what your family or friends want for you. Ultimately your life is yours and you must live it for yourself. I know you might be thinking that's selfish, but so what? Sometimes being a little selfish is a good thing, especially if it enables you to take care of yourself.

So, what do I want? I don't want to feel fat. That's it. Society surely doesn't dictate that it's OK to weigh 199, but that is what I want. For now. So, on number 1, check. My goal is something I want to achieve and screw the rest of the world.

Second: Remember, goals are not inflexible roadblocks meant to make you feel badly about yourself. If you don't accomplish a goal exactly on schedule, so what? You can't predict what life is going to throw your way — but you CAN choose the way you react to situations that come up. That is where your power lies. If you fall off the wagon, just get back on — no ifs, ands, or buts about it.

Ahhh the freaking proverbial wagon. I'm not on it, so can't fall off it. I must get back on it!!! I need to learn to react to situations. Yep, I may be old, but I sure still have shit to learn.

Third: We all have to be realistic when we set our goals. I'm 5 feet 2 inches, and I have a stocky build. I am never going to be a petite little waif, no matter how hard I work. I also want to make a difference in the world, but something tells me I probably don't stand a good chance of running for president. Instead, I set goals that are realistic and productive. I am 5 feet 2 and stocky, but I am going to be the most fit 5-feet-2 muscle chick I can. I might not be president, but I can teach people how to be healthier and happier through fitness.

I'm 51. I'm not over the hill by any means, but I'm too old to want to wear hot pants and mini skirts. Shit, they probably don't even have hot pants and mini skirts anymore! Date myself or what????? Nothing gags me more than to see an old lady trying to look young. Ian says 'mutton as lamb' and I've adopted that phrase on many an occasion. I wouldn't mind wearing something fitting and having an older man stop and say 'holy shit look at that handsome woman' though. Honestly I just don't want to be gross. I don't want to feel gross. That's it.

Make sense? The bottom line is that goals provide direction. They help bring a focus to our lives so that we can live our dreams — no matter how big or how small they may be.

So, I'm guessing I need some goals. Yep, again. I'm nothing if not persistent.

I've just booked another 7 day cruise. I couldn't eat on the last cruise as my gastroparysis was back. It's gone now again (as gaining 20 pounds in a few weeks would attest!!!), so I'm under no delusion that I shall lose weight on this cruise. We leave the 11th and will be back the 18th. I have a week before we go to do some thinking.

I don't want to give up. I don't want my friends to give up on me.