That would be moi!
OK, this blog started as an email to a VERY caring lady. Diane, from over at 'Fit to the Finish' sent me an email. I started to reply to her email today, and it began to get blog like, so here it is! If you haven't read her blog, I suggest you mosey on over there and check it out. She has been there, fought the fight, and is maintaining. Oh ya, she's doing the big M, and doing it well! She was in SHAPE magazine this month. Pick that bad boy up and read it too. I did, in the line at the grocery store! It's the one with the chick in the red bikini on the front!
Diane had this to say. "I'm so sorry you are going through this right now. It's so frustrating when you feel yourself slipping and seemingly unable to grab onto anything to stop yourself. I would hate for you to lose ground."
Awww she cares! I care too. It's hard to be feeling the way I'm feeling right now. I care, and I don't care. I don't want to weigh 400 pounds again, but I also don't want to do what it takes to not weigh that! I'm definitely slipping and there's no knot in site!
I had told her that I don't feel guilty about gaining 20 pounds. I don't like it, but it is what it is. I'm a no guilt kind of girl. I'm uncomfortable in my clothes, but I don't feel guilty about it.
I'm not afraid to lose weight. I know fear rears it's ugly heads in some weight loss journeys. I'm not afraid to lose weight. I'm not afraid of how I'll look. I don't even want/need to get to my Weight Watcher goal. I just want to get back to 199 and stay there, perhaps forever. I liked how I looked at that weight. Oh, I know I was still fat, but I could accept that totally.
For those of you that don't know I live the ideal life here in Florida. Well, ideal for me. I'm a little social butterfly and I can flit here and there every single day in my park. I can also, lay on my lanai, alone, and read all day if I so choose. I love to play games and I have card games available 6 nights a week, and Mah Jongg (my real love) available 2 afternoons a week. I have water aerobics (ya I've been once in 5 years!!!), bocce ball, floor exercises, and all forms of dance ready for me to just jump in and participate. We have bingo and shuffleboard, book clubs, computer clubs, dances, and 2 libraries. We have 2 swimming pools (pool parties are SOOO much fun!!!) and a theater group. There is so much more I just can't even remember it all. I love the warm sun on my body here. I get a golf cart ride every single day. We have 2 nature trails here and I just love being charioted down them and spotting alligators and other creatures. The sun on my face and the breeze on my skin. God I'm getting all teared up about it. Yes, not a day goes by that I don't raise my face to the sun and thank God for letting me live this life.
Friends. OK, so that last paragraph got too long but I really wanted to include this part. Remember how hard it was to make friends when you were in school? Really good friends I mean? Maybe it wasn't for you, but it was for me. I had 2 best friends from kindergarten on. Made a few in college, but not as close. Don't even know where they are today. I thought moving here it would be Den, Ian, and me. I was so wrong! I've made friends here that are closer than any I've made the whole entire rest of my life! How can that happen? One couple in particular, I just can't imagine my life without them now. Never think it's too late to culture new relationships in your life. NEVER! I thank God for them every day too. Yep, I do.
So, if I'm not guilty, or afraid, or depressed, what am I?
I'm freaking lazy and selfish. Yep, that's me in a nutshell. Never do today what you can put off until next week. I want to lose 20 pounds but I don't want to do what it takes. I don't want to give up my way of life to do it. Plain and simple. I don't want to deprive myself and I don't want to look for this substitution or that one. I know.....what am I like?? My friend calls me HRH(her Royal Highness). Ian calls me Princess. They're right. I like being coddled and getting my own way. I like having it all. This is the end of the season here and we've had parties at least 3-4 days each week. Food? OMG to die for! I'm going on a cruise next week. Do I want to practice moderation? Ah no. I want it all. Princess Pixie indeed.
Yes, I know I need to come back down to earth. I know I need/want to lose that 20 I gained. I know I won't gain all my weight back. I know that for a fact. I'll get to it.
PS:I'm NOT giving up my tiara!!!!
A wink and a smile
5 years ago