Saturday, January 23, 2010

Bon Voyage

My ship sails today and I intend to be on it!

I'm going on the Carnival Dream, one of the newest ships. It's got 4 Jacuzzis that extend out over the ocean. I intend to be in one this afternoon holding the drink of the day! It's also got a 1/2 mile unobstructed deck. I plan to walk that a few times a day. I'll let you know how that worked out for me when I get back.

Today's weight is 202. Let's see what the old girl says when we get back shall we?

Wish me luck!


Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Gettin ready to blow this place!

Almost time to leave on our cruise and I can tell you I'm READY! OK, not physically, but mentally I'm already there.

I was given this lil blog award by everyone's favorite gorgeous girl with a beautiful heart, and I didn't want to ignore it until I got home. Aw shucks...looky how pretty it is! Thank you so much...I'm truly honored.

I don't play by the rules...surprise eh? Just call me a rebel. NO way I'm going to pick only 7 people to pass it on to. I love way too many more than that.

Crap, as you know I'm old and I forget shit. For some reason I thought I was supposed to tell you 7 things about myself instead of 10 things that make me happy. As I've spent 2 days trying to think of 7 freaking things you don't know about me, you're getting that. I'll toss in 10 things that make me happy too as an added bonus. I only came up with 5 things anyway! Here we go.

1. I'm not a patient driver. I yell at people, I flip them off, I make faces. I get so pissed off when people drive slow in the passing lane. HELLOOOOOOOO it's the PASSING lane! I hate when they pull out in front of me and go slow. Could they NOT have waited until I passed and then pulled out? If they're afraid to drive they should stay home. What's with all these assholes that don't use their turn signals? Are they on some sort of top secret mission and we're not in the circle of freakin trust to know what their turning intentions are??? Ya, Zen and the art of peaceful driving is not my motto.

2. My second toe is longer than my big toe. Pokes through all my socks. Damn thing. Can't wear really cute peep toe shoes as I look like some kind of freak as my second toe oozes out through the cute little peeky type opening. Don't even get my started on my narrow heel that prevents wearing awesome heels anymore!

3. I was a thespian in high school and I'm in the drama group here in my park. Secretary if you please! I'm directing one of the plays our theater group in the park does each year. I'm going to look hot in my polka dot dress when they call me out to take a bow! Damn actors and actresses better come through for me!

4. I hate to listen to people eat. I don't like the sound of ppl chewing. Drives me berserk. Really hate when they clink the spoon or fork on their teeth. If you can't fit your cutlery in your mouth without clanking it against your teeth, it's too big people!!! Find something smaller! Also, if you have to slurp your hot liquids...let them cool down! Do you have any idea how irritating it is for the people around you to hear you slurp like a cow trying to pull a stuck foot out of the mud??? Oh yes, lips were made to close down over the food on your eating utensil! Drives me batty to see people slide the food off their forks without using their lips. That's why I'm fat. I'm forced to eat when those around me are eating so I don't have to listen to them chew/slurp/ etc!

5. I like to put butter on my pretzels. Yes, I take a stick of cold butter and run my pretzel through it. I also like to run cheese Doritos's through cream cheese. Wow, why is Debby fat?

10 things that make me happy in no particular order:

1. The sun on my face

2. My grand babies laughs

3. The sound of lapping water

4. Playing Mah Jongg

5. Sheep

6. Glitter


8. Jacuzzi's

9. Crispy bacon

10. Phone calls or text msgs from my boys.

C'est moi


Sunday, January 17, 2010

What time is it??

Nope, it's not Howdy Doody Time. I'm NOT old enough to have ever seen that show, but I've heard it. OK?

It's time for Pixie to take a break. Oh ya, time for vacation. I'll be gone 2 weeks. Think you'll be able to live without me? Ya, you can do know you can.

TBM and I are going on a cruise. Looking forward to this one as we're going with friends. That should be so much fun traveling with friends. Not only that, there are 39 other people from our park going on this cruise. Should be a good time.

I'm looking forward to the rest. Not that I'm overworked or anything, but my mind needs a break. Not taking the laptop with me as Internet costs more than I can afford. FYI, it's 50 cents a minute I think. They have a 'value package' of 250 minutes for over $100. Ah, no. Less than 30 minutes a day? WTF can I do in 30 minutes? Not only that, I've paid a hefty price for this trip and do I want to spend it doing what I do at home? Ah no.

Will I miss reading the blogs of my favorite people? Hell yes! You know I love you. This will give you one less blog to read so you can have a rest too. How's that?

OK, on to more stuff.

I've decided to be like my friend Marcelle. I've got a problem that came back and I'm just going to will it to heal. I'm going to wrap my mind around the idea that my body is healthy, therefore making it so. I'm going to send all kinds of healing messages to my tum! Here's the scoop.

Several years ago I went to Mexico. I was there 3 days when all of a sudden every time I ate, I threw up. I couldn't eat anything solid or it would lay on my tum and make me feel miserable. I thought I had a bug of course. Got home, it didn't go away. I went to the doc a few months later. We were in FL and I got one that didn't speak English and was rude as hell. Said I had gastroparesis. No tests, no nothing. Just 'you have this'. I didn't know what it was. Didn't know how I got 'it', in fact, I didn't even believe I had it as he didn't even touch me! Asshole. So, went back home to MI and went to my doc there. A man. Again, asshole. I got 'oh it's in your head', oh this and oh that. I felt like grabbing him by the scrotum and asking him if he thought he had pain in his balls or if he did have pain in his balls. Instead, I just posed that question to him. He said of course he'd have pain in his balls. I said OK, so when I puke after eating solid food, it's not in my head. He sent me off for tests which he believed would find nothing at all. I went for a stomach emptying test. At the hospital, they too assumed it was all in my head. I mean really, here's a broad that says she can't eat but is fat as hell? So, after 5 hours and the food was still in my stomach, it was like 'holy shit there's something wrong here!'. You think??? Assholes. I'd had endoscopy's and MRI's and a myriad of other tests so now, finally, the diagnosis of gastroparesis was confirmed. Still, nothing to do about it. They gave me pills. They didn't work and the side effects scared the shit out of me. Funny, even when you don't eat solid food you can still shit. Just a little tidbit for you there.

That lasted for I can't remember how long. Nearly a year though. Then poof, it went away and I could eat again! Wow! I flew home in Dec of 2007. When I got back to FL, it came back. That lasted until about May of 2008. It was fine until this last week. Now it's back. Why? I don't know. How can something like that come and go? I know it's awful. My friend asked me last night if stress could bring it on. Hmmmm dunno, but good question. All the times it did come on were times of great stress really. Right now is particularly stressful. Some I can talk about and some I can't. Money natch. Too many demands on my time, and the list goes on. So, if stress can bring it on, and that's just in my head, then refusing to believe it's back and trying to de-stress should take care of the prob right? Yep, that's what I'm thinking.

For those of you that don't know what gastroparesis is, here's a scaled down version. When you eat food, your stomach contracts to push it from the stomach into the next chute. Can't remember if that's your intestines or bowel...but somewhere out of the tum anyway. Gastroparesis prevents that contracting. Food you eat just lays in your tum and ferments and rots. Eating even just a tiny bit of solid food makes you feel full right up to the top. Food doesn't stay down most of the time. Hours and hours after you eat, your tum will finally revolt and up that food will come. Not pleasant for sure. Just think of eating something and 8 hours later still feeling miserably full. Not a happy full...a sick, nasty full. My tum hurts all the time. Never feel hungry. Feeling hungry is a good thing. I like to feel the grumble of my tum...but maybe that's just because I've been through this. When the gastro is kicking in, there is no nice hunger. Just pain, all the time. Pain when there's no food and pain when there is food.

I can't eat any fruit or veg or fiber. I can't eat any meat and even eggs won't stay down. Only soft or liquid. Before when I had this I never focused on health. I just ate what would stay down. I ate mashed potatoes and tomato soup, pudding and that was pretty much it. I refuse to do that this time. It is, of course going to be gone soon anyway.

I've got protein powder from when I was exercising a lot. I'll have a few of those a day. I had malt o meal for breakfast today. So far, I feel fabulous. That's got protein as I make it with milk and iron and lots of other good things. I'll have yogurt instead of pudding. No mashed taters...nothing in those for me. I'll find ways to stay healthy. I also have some V8...the kind that is fruit and veg? I'll drink that every day too. No reason I can't drink my fruit and veg. Broccoli soup if it's pureed should be fine. I make that WW so that should be great. Cheese in it too so there's some protein. I can do this. I can eat healthy no matter what. My biggest challenge will be to not go off the deep end when this does go away. I will not allow that this time. Both other times it felt so good to eat, I gained about 30 pounds and didn't even care! I care this time. I'm so determined to get to 188 and hold there for a while. I'm nothing if I'm not stubborn!

I'm really sorry this got so long but I had to let you all know what's going on. Also, if any of you have any pureed recipes, I'd sure like to know them.

This cruise is going to be a challenge also. Not a lot of liquid/puree options probably. I'm seeing a lot of ice cream in my future! No, I'll just will this to be gone by then. I do plan on getting exercise in though and I may take my protein powder with me. Still in the thinking phase of that. We leave on Saturday better start thinking harder!

Just remember, no matter what we're handed, it could always be worse.


Tuesday, January 12, 2010

I need my mommy

Ya, so that's not going to happen! If she could come back from the great beyond, she'd give me Vernor's, jell-o, and chicken noodle soup. She was an awful cook, so the soup was Campbell's and canned, but it was awesome when I was sick!

Yep, the Pixie is sick. I can't begin to remember the last time I was sick. Shut it to those of you that are thinking I can't remember the last time I did anything! I've got what I'm calling the flu for lack of anything else. I'm guessing this was what all that thirsty feeling was last week. The build up to this. I've got it all. Fluids coming from every orifice, headache, chills one minute, heat the next, dizziness. I'm feeling a bit better today thank goodness. I don't do sick well. I've just eaten some malt o meal and if it stays down, I figure I'm on the road to recovery. I did nothing yesterday, and I'm doing nothing today. I am going to venture a shower today and hopefully get outside into the fresh air for a golf cart ride. That's debatable though as that would require getting dressed...not sure I'm up to that yet. We'll see.

So, I've been reading all your blogs. You know who you are. The exercisers, the great recipe givers, the motivating ones and also the ones that are about to give up. You're all inspiring me. I've been off program for a long time as you know and I've been at the edge of the precipice of jumping back in. I think I'm about ready to take that leap.

I think today is the day for the great clean out. You know, all the junk I let myself buy for the holidays. Stupid self! I hate to waste food, but I just can't see putting it all into my body.

Mainly it's just crackers. Lots and lots of crackers. I'm looking at 3 boxes sitting on the butcher block right now. Sociables, Chicken in a biskit, and regular saltines. If I let my eye wander to the right, I see a box of white cheddar cheez-it's sitting on top of the pantry. Oops, there's a bag of lightly salted potato chips in my vision also. Those are OK...lightly salted you know???? I see a bowl of mint truffle Hershey kisses and a jar of devil peanut butter. I only use natural peanut butter. Nothing in it at all but peanuts. This is 'regular', evil PB. I bought it to make my awesome peanut butter cake for new years eve. Of course it didn't take the whole jar. Why did I feel I could poison everyone with that kind of PB instead of using my natural? dunno...just never made that cake with the natural and didn't want to mess it up for that event. There's a HUGE bag of bagel chips I got from Sam's club. Now mind you, this is all the stuff I can SEE! Guess that tells you what a slob I am eh? Nothing put away. To be honest, there's so much shit and so little space here, there'd be no room to put any of that away. Into the trash it's going. I'm sure there's some homeless guy out on the street freezing his balls off that would love my crackers...but I don't know how to get it to him and most places won't take open boxes.

I think today is the day. I'm just getting my appetite back and I know I'd tell myself it's OK to eat the crud. Get it out of the house you know? NO! It's going into the trash where it belongs. I'm keeping the chocolate chips though. I can moderate those. Ya just gotta do what ya just gotta do!!!

I know now what I want. I talked about being comfortable at the weight I was at. Heavy emphasis on the AT. I've gained 26 pounds from that weight. I want/need to get back down to 188. I want to get there and STAY THERE! I want to learn to maintain that weight without springing up and down like big boobs on a trampoline. I want to learn to eat healthy and learn moderation. I want to learn to eat normal. When I know I can maintain that weight...and not constantly shoot up over 200 every other week...then, and only then do I want to think about losing more. My poor body doesn't know what weight it should be at. It doesn't want to be under 200 pounds but I want it to. I need to get it there and KEEP IT THERE until it knows who's boss!!!

Yep, this Pixie is hoisting her fat ass back up in that saddle. I may need a seat belt.

As the infamous Bette Davis said....

"Hang on, it's going to be a bumpy ride!"


Saturday, January 9, 2010

To be or not to be?

So, I've always been a fan of Shakespeare....what can I say?

Here's the dilemma.

In the past, I've dieted for vanity. I always thought myself healthy, so losing weight was just to look better. I don't know how I could think myself healthy at 368 pounds, but I did. I didn't have any discernible health problems. No high blood pressure, no diabetes, no cholesterol problem...nothing at all. I could walk and get around. I could do somersaults with my kids. Oh sure I couldn't fit in an airplane seat or the booth at the local restaurant. I couldn't tie my shoes or buy clothes in ANY store. I couldn't fit in rides in amusement parks and I was afraid of getting stuck in the water chutes at the water park....but hey, I was healthy right?

So, now I've lost 100+ pounds....and am at the age that I really don't care that I might be a bit fat. I can buy cute clothes and cover the flab. I've been in a quandary as to how to proceed with my journey. Do I want to lose more? Do I want to maintain? What do I really want?

I'd intended to sit down with a journal and start trying to get some of my thoughts on paper. Maybe make a bit of sense out of my life. Ya, so that didn't happen! It will though as I think it is pertinent.

I was happy to just go along not minding my diet at all. Taking a break you know? Things have come up this last week that have got me thinking. God help us all!

So, here's the skinny. I'm thirsty. Yep, that's it. I've never felt thirst in my life really. This past week, I'm thirsty all the time. It's uncomfortable. I don't like it and of course it's worrying me. My mouth isn't dry, but I'm thirsty. I've been drinking quite a bit, but it really doesn't help. I try to keep my mind off it, but that only goes so far! At the risk of embarrassing some of my male readers, I'm really not eliminating what I'm drinking like I used to either. I used to drink my 4 cups of coffee in the morning and, as my father used to say, 'piss like a Russian race horse'. Now it's more like the trickle from a dried up well. So, where is all this liquid I'm drinking going?

I'm not a worrier by nature, but I have been this week. I intend to make a doc appt next week if this doesn't correct itself by Monday. I mean really...have I become a diabetic in the past week? Are my kidney's failing? What's the freakin scoop??? I'm not eating any more salt than normal. I have been eating a lot more sugar and I did read that can cause excessive thirst. I really am in the blind here though.

So, what have I decided? I've decided that I need to think about my health for a change. If I won't do what I need to do for my looks, will I do it for my health? Not sure yet. I've got a friend that has a heart condition and won't do what he needs to do...will I be able to? It will be interesting for sure. I've decided that for today, yep, today. Baby steps you know?

1. Today I'm going to avoid added sugar. I'll avoid candy and honey and sugar. I'll not add extra salt to anything either. If cutting the sugar doesn't help, I'll go to plan B. I don't know what plan B is...but I'll be seeking the advice of the doc next week. I'm scheduled for blood tests in January anyway. I'll make the appointment and see her and maybe she'll want to add extra things to the test order.

2. I'll put some fruit and veg back in my diet also. Haven't had any of that for a long time. I don't like most of them....but my body does. I'm sure I could learn to like them, if not, my body still needs them.

3. I'll go back to only whole grains. I bought a loaf of squishy white bread a few weeks ago. It was awesome! When at the store the day before yesterday I reached for another. I put it back. It's not good for me at all. Sometimes we just have to suck it up and eat what we don't necessarily like. I'm sure if we did it enough we'd get used to it. I used to hate whole wheat bread. I don't anymore. Why torture myself and buy white every 3-4 months...get my mouth back to liking it. Stupid.

4. I'm going to move my body. I can't say move it more as I've not been moving it at all! So, I'll move've got to move it move it! Insert little furry animal jumping around singing there.

5. I'm going to have some 'me' time every day. Oh, I do a lot of stuff for me every single day. I play cards, I belong to the drama club where I'm directing a play this year, I play Mah Jongg, etc. Even doing things I like can become like a chore sometimes. I feel overwhelmed. I go to physical therapy I do this I do that. I need some time to just do nothing. I've decided on 20 minutes to read a day. Structured. No computer, no cards, just me and reading. I love to read and I never seem to do it. It's so cold here right now we're huddled around our heater. I can't read unless there's total silence. I didn't think it fair to tell the boys to turn off the TV so I can read. I can't go to another room as it's freaking freezing!!! Oh poor me. I play the martyr well. I can plug in the heater on the lanai. I can go to the library...we have 2 in the park! I can ask Ian to put his headphones on and he doesn't mind that at all. So, why do I feel bad asking? Dunno...but I plan to this week.

I'm rambling as usual here as I'm still in the process of deciding what I need to do with my life. I'm worried about this being thirsty and not peeing thing. Oh, did I forget to mention I'm gaining about a pound a day? Got on the scale this morning and it was 2 pounds up. Ouch.

This was my breakfast this morning. Way too big as I found out after eating it....told you, baby steps! No sugar, no salt. Fresh strawberries, banana, whole wheat English muffin, natural peanut butter with nothing but peanuts added, Greek yogurt & almonds with no honey, sweetener, anything at all. Skim milk. It was good. If I were counting Weight Watcher points, it would have been about 15. WAY too many...glad I'm not counting Weight Watcher points! I may need to...but for now, this is the game I'm going to play.

I've changed my weight loss ticker to reflect my recent gains. I've also changed my goal weight. IF I want to lose more, I want a nearer goal. I've made it 188 instead of 150. Again, baby steps make it easier for me. I know I want to lose what I've gained at least!!!


Wednesday, January 6, 2010

I've come a long way

I guess I forget that sometimes.

Right now life is so weighing me down. Ya, that happens to all of us. I just feel like I'm staked to the ground and am being pulled in 4 different directions. Something is going to snap. I can hear it now.....'CLEAN UP ON AISLE 3!'

I was watching The Biggest Loser tonight. They said they have the heaviest contestants ever. The scary thing? I thought some of them didn't look too fat. Wow. How jaded have I become, to see someone that is morbidly obese as I'm sure all of them were, and think 'they don't look too bad'. A few weigh what I did just 2 years ago. A few weigh what I did at the beginning of my journey. A few weigh a whole lot more. But still.....just wow. Maybe I'm not so happy staying where I am for a while? Maybe I need to step out of my comfort zone and get back on the program.

I went over to my friends house today and was met at the door with open arms. Now, I'm all for that any day, but I didn't know why. She kept saying....well shoot I can't remember what she said now...something like she was proud or she was in awe....didn't know...was just taking the weighing me down remember? felt good! Seems that she saw a few of my before pictures on my blog. She'd never seen any before pics of me...she's only known me for a few years so never at my highest weight. She was impressed with my progress. Guess I haven't thought about that lately.

I have come a long way. I have bettered myself. It should stop there, but it never does. It's always goes something like this. "Oh I've lost a lot, but I've got a lot more to go'. Why not just say 'thank you'? Two simple words that would give credence to what I've done. Two little words that would allow me to take credit for all the hard work....why can't I take a compliment? I just don't know. I know it made me feel good when she was so happy about my progress.

I watched BL tonight and kept thinking 'I can't do that'. Man was that depressing! Oh, it's not because I think I can't, it's because with all my new problems, I physically can't. I'm telling you, getting old sucks! No way in hell should I be this way at 51 years old! I can't lift any weights as I'm not allowed to grip anything. I have 6 fingers that trigger if I bend them. I'm telling you that hurts like hell!!! I can't lift my right arm past my waist without grinding pain. I can't even swim for goodness sakes and I was good at swimming! So, in my emotional state, I sat there watching that show thinking 'oh poor me'.

Screw that shit.

I can't lift weights.
I can get myself a ball and do crunches etc on it.
I can't jog.
I can walk. (oh my knees crunch like Rice Krispies, but I CAN walk!)
I can't swim.
I can walk around in the pool and jump about and move my left arm. (when the ice thaws! It's freakin cold here!)
I can't golf or bowl.
I can ride my bike.

We can think negative or we can think positive. Sometimes it's easier to just have the 'I don't care' attitude...take the easy way out. I've been doing that for a few weeks...OK months. Maybe, just maybe it's time to start giving a shit again.

I'm not this girl anymore.

I will be if I don't pull my head out of my ass.