Saturday, January 9, 2010

To be or not to be?

So, I've always been a fan of Shakespeare....what can I say?

Here's the dilemma.

In the past, I've dieted for vanity. I always thought myself healthy, so losing weight was just to look better. I don't know how I could think myself healthy at 368 pounds, but I did. I didn't have any discernible health problems. No high blood pressure, no diabetes, no cholesterol problem...nothing at all. I could walk and get around. I could do somersaults with my kids. Oh sure I couldn't fit in an airplane seat or the booth at the local restaurant. I couldn't tie my shoes or buy clothes in ANY store. I couldn't fit in rides in amusement parks and I was afraid of getting stuck in the water chutes at the water park....but hey, I was healthy right?

So, now I've lost 100+ pounds....and am at the age that I really don't care that I might be a bit fat. I can buy cute clothes and cover the flab. I've been in a quandary as to how to proceed with my journey. Do I want to lose more? Do I want to maintain? What do I really want?

I'd intended to sit down with a journal and start trying to get some of my thoughts on paper. Maybe make a bit of sense out of my life. Ya, so that didn't happen! It will though as I think it is pertinent.

I was happy to just go along not minding my diet at all. Taking a break you know? Things have come up this last week that have got me thinking. God help us all!

So, here's the skinny. I'm thirsty. Yep, that's it. I've never felt thirst in my life really. This past week, I'm thirsty all the time. It's uncomfortable. I don't like it and of course it's worrying me. My mouth isn't dry, but I'm thirsty. I've been drinking quite a bit, but it really doesn't help. I try to keep my mind off it, but that only goes so far! At the risk of embarrassing some of my male readers, I'm really not eliminating what I'm drinking like I used to either. I used to drink my 4 cups of coffee in the morning and, as my father used to say, 'piss like a Russian race horse'. Now it's more like the trickle from a dried up well. So, where is all this liquid I'm drinking going?

I'm not a worrier by nature, but I have been this week. I intend to make a doc appt next week if this doesn't correct itself by Monday. I mean really...have I become a diabetic in the past week? Are my kidney's failing? What's the freakin scoop??? I'm not eating any more salt than normal. I have been eating a lot more sugar and I did read that can cause excessive thirst. I really am in the blind here though.

So, what have I decided? I've decided that I need to think about my health for a change. If I won't do what I need to do for my looks, will I do it for my health? Not sure yet. I've got a friend that has a heart condition and won't do what he needs to do...will I be able to? It will be interesting for sure. I've decided that for today, yep, today. Baby steps you know?

1. Today I'm going to avoid added sugar. I'll avoid candy and honey and sugar. I'll not add extra salt to anything either. If cutting the sugar doesn't help, I'll go to plan B. I don't know what plan B is...but I'll be seeking the advice of the doc next week. I'm scheduled for blood tests in January anyway. I'll make the appointment and see her and maybe she'll want to add extra things to the test order.

2. I'll put some fruit and veg back in my diet also. Haven't had any of that for a long time. I don't like most of them....but my body does. I'm sure I could learn to like them, if not, my body still needs them.

3. I'll go back to only whole grains. I bought a loaf of squishy white bread a few weeks ago. It was awesome! When at the store the day before yesterday I reached for another. I put it back. It's not good for me at all. Sometimes we just have to suck it up and eat what we don't necessarily like. I'm sure if we did it enough we'd get used to it. I used to hate whole wheat bread. I don't anymore. Why torture myself and buy white every 3-4 months...get my mouth back to liking it. Stupid.

4. I'm going to move my body. I can't say move it more as I've not been moving it at all! So, I'll move've got to move it move it! Insert little furry animal jumping around singing there.

5. I'm going to have some 'me' time every day. Oh, I do a lot of stuff for me every single day. I play cards, I belong to the drama club where I'm directing a play this year, I play Mah Jongg, etc. Even doing things I like can become like a chore sometimes. I feel overwhelmed. I go to physical therapy I do this I do that. I need some time to just do nothing. I've decided on 20 minutes to read a day. Structured. No computer, no cards, just me and reading. I love to read and I never seem to do it. It's so cold here right now we're huddled around our heater. I can't read unless there's total silence. I didn't think it fair to tell the boys to turn off the TV so I can read. I can't go to another room as it's freaking freezing!!! Oh poor me. I play the martyr well. I can plug in the heater on the lanai. I can go to the library...we have 2 in the park! I can ask Ian to put his headphones on and he doesn't mind that at all. So, why do I feel bad asking? Dunno...but I plan to this week.

I'm rambling as usual here as I'm still in the process of deciding what I need to do with my life. I'm worried about this being thirsty and not peeing thing. Oh, did I forget to mention I'm gaining about a pound a day? Got on the scale this morning and it was 2 pounds up. Ouch.

This was my breakfast this morning. Way too big as I found out after eating it....told you, baby steps! No sugar, no salt. Fresh strawberries, banana, whole wheat English muffin, natural peanut butter with nothing but peanuts added, Greek yogurt & almonds with no honey, sweetener, anything at all. Skim milk. It was good. If I were counting Weight Watcher points, it would have been about 15. WAY too many...glad I'm not counting Weight Watcher points! I may need to...but for now, this is the game I'm going to play.

I've changed my weight loss ticker to reflect my recent gains. I've also changed my goal weight. IF I want to lose more, I want a nearer goal. I've made it 188 instead of 150. Again, baby steps make it easier for me. I know I want to lose what I've gained at least!!!



  1. I discovered for myself that when something is wrong you will know and you know!!!
    Go to your DR and get checked out, dont wait - its not worth it...kidneys are vital in our lives and if not working correctly need to be sorted out with medication or whatever.
    I hated drinking water - even at gym I drank the cool drinks ( sport aids ) 3/4 coffee's and about the same in yip I was drinking - water was yucky and tasteless stuff. Now being told I need to drink as Cortisone harms the kidneys I am drinking and drinking and will continue drinking as I see the damage not drinking has caused me. Its weird when you faced with something life changing then only will you change the things in your diet...well not ur friend,but for me who has a life I want to live with my grandchildren and a good one with my husband I will do whatever it takes and I think you will do the same.
    Don't try *think* what is wrong with you, go and have DR TELL you. I thought i had middle ear infection which upset my balance as my ears felt blocked, I thought it was the dye I used for my eyelashes that got into my eyes that causes my eye sight to go all wonky -I as so so off...inflammation in the spinal fluid and brain, immune system so low my white blood cells were way low to fight for me. NEVER in a million years would I have thought this was possible..
    But yes it was my reality.

  2. Though I don't follow my own advice very well, I am going to say, yes you should go to the doctor. I hate doctors. I find that I know I'm not feeling right and they don't take me seriously. Not without thousands of dollars worth of tests and well, I just can't afford that. off topic.

    Baby steps is good. I think we all know what its like to be where you are at this moment in, because I am there with you. My hubby and I are going out of town for a belated anniversary celebration to Gatlinburg and am not planning on dieting, but have been making lots of effort. I have been doing WW for the past few days and have decided, when I get back, to really get back to WW. I know I won't always stick with WW, but to get my head back in the game, I need it to reign myself in. Think about it. I know you are tired of am I, but I find when I go off...........I go way off and feel AWFUL!

    I am here with you! Keep up the re-evaluation process though.. It's when we quit looking at our lives and analyzing it, well that's when the flood gates open and weight pours back on!

    Love you girl!

  3. Deb, even tho' you are not going to meetings, there is no reason to totally ignore points. I feel funny even saying that to you, because you have had more success with WW than most of us will ever realize. You are kinda lika a Goddess to the rest of us. By the way, if you really want white bread, both Sara Lee and Wonder make whole wheat white bread that is amazing and 2 points a 2 slice serving.

    One of your cheerleaders,

  4. let's get this party started!!

  5. You better go to the Doctor Debby...please and report back to us. :)

  6. I agree with all the others re: the doctor. As much as we hate it, it is better to know if there is a problem and take care of it early!

    You know you have always been an inspiration to me. Even though I get away from reading blogs and blogging myself, when I come back to it, your blog is one that I look up right away! I am sorry you are struggling but you seem to have a plan of attach....

    And do see your doctor!

  7. I like the goals. I like the smaller steps too. And you better get in to see the doc if you don't see some changes soon. Nothing to mess around with for sure.

  8. If I lived near you I'd put you in the car and take you to the doctor. It could be something really easy, or it could be something more serious - either way it's always good to have all the facts at your disposal.

    I completely understand your uncertainity about your future weight. I think your idea of changing your eating habits to more health focused rather than just calorie/point focused is a wonderful idea! All those foods you are going to focus on are so important to your overall health.

    Take care,

  9. Woman.....go to see your doc! It's a simple test to check, and it could save your life. PS, I see your point with Points and the whole goal weight thing. You look wonderful, and as long as you feel fabulous to go with the look....that's all that really matters. Assuming you're healthy! So go see the doc to make sure. :)

  10. I never felt unhealthy. I had no diabetes, no cholesterol problems, i could walk and leave the house. i just hated being the fattest person i knew and all the other fatty crap.

    sitting down with your journal is an excellent idea. its good to get everything out. sometimes your head needs sorting out and you have to see everything on paper. go for it.

    i really am glad carlos shouted out your blog. loves yah!