Friday, July 30, 2010

Day 2 pitfall

I shall not cave.

Breakfast bar at the Hampton Inn. Waffles, scrambled eggs with cheese, sausage, full fat and full sugar yogurt, fruit in syrup, muffins, sausage, chocolate muffins, sausage, cranberry juice, my fave, instant oatmeal, all sweetened. Cereals, sweetned...getting the drift? Did I mention they have sausages?????

What is Pixie having...and more importantly enjoying? Well, what will she have and feel so freaking good about herself that she'll enjoy it even if it sucks????

Coffee with my fat free half and half that I brought. Baked oatmeal that I brought. Weight Watchers yogurt that I brought. I'll eat their banana. Oh ya, this is going to be a goooooooooooooooooooooood trip peeps!


Thursday, July 29, 2010

Comin or goin?

Not too freakin sure!

Here's the skinny. Had a good WI on Wed...think I lost a pound and some change.

Now, the crux. Always a freaking crux eh???

I'm traveling this week. Seven out of seven days actually. I'm excited. This is my first chance to try my 'I'm going to learn to eat like a normal person' life out for real.

So, today I had to pack, run errands, get ready for the first 3 of the 7. How'd that work for me? Well, right now I'm sitting in a Hampton Inn longingly eyeing the pillow top mattress with down pillows and down duvet. Oh? You wanted to hear how the food went?

I made TJ's baked oatmeal for this trip. I fixed a pasta salad chock full of veggies with Ronzoni's new garden pasta...each serving has a whole serving of veg too. Oh ya. I also packed a cooler with yogurt, bananas, fat free half and half, romaine, tomatoes, cucumbers. There are whole wheat english muffins and bagel thins. Some ham and some laughing cow wedges. Must be more shit in there as it's full.

I've done that before. Fixed all kinds of good stuff then ate out. I'm not doing that this time. We did plan to have dinner on the road. I chose Subway. I got a foot long black forest ham. It was the best sub I've ever had. They have spinach now...was yummy. I am not a fan of Subway, too much bread...overshadows the meat etc. Was watching Biggest Loser and the kid had them hollow out his roll. Can't believe I never thought of that before! My stuff fit right inside the hollow and it was easy to eat while I was driving. I could actually taste the filling. Yummy indeed. Pickles, yellow mustard, tomato, onions rounded out the ham and spinach. I ate half in the car and just finished the other half. I also had a yogurt. So, the end of today, balls to the wall busy, travel several hours....and I still have 5 points left.

Day number 1...score? Debby 1 Food Fest 0

Bring on day nubmer 2. I'm ready.


Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Today is for my friend

I had a lot to say as I've not had time to blog in a few days. I just can't.

I'm so excited for my friend Sheryl.

She reached goal!!! I got home from work last night, was chatting with TBM, looking at my Tweets...and saw the one from Sheryl that said she'd reached goal. I got all excited....said 'OHHHHHHHHHHHHH BITCHCAKES REACHED GOAL!!!' I might've even been bouncing around in my chair. Of course, TBM thought I was freaking off my rocker. I may well be.

Any of you new to the blogging world may not know the attachment that can be formed from reading about someones struggle. Following their journey. Sheryl doesn't know me....she's probably never even heard of me. BUT, because of the blogging world. I know her. I celebrate her victories and I feel pain for her losses. I am inspired by her success, and I learn from her. Last year she went through some heartbreak. On her blog, she said her heart was breaking. I prayed for her daily. I was in Mass one Sunday, running through my list of people to pray for and I realized I didn't even know her name. So, right there at St. James Catholic Church I said "God please wrap your healing arms around Bitchcakes'. I'm sure He knew who I was talking about.

Today I celebrate my virtual friend Bitchcakes! She did it! Kudos to her. I'm still excited inside for her.

A stranger?

Not to me.

You are all my friends. My virtual friends.

When you quit blogging you are missed.

So, yesterday, one of us made it. One of us reached her goal. One of us grabbed that golden ring. One of us gave the rest of us hope. No, not hope, certainty. It can be done. It was done. I've actually got tears here. What a sissy. Check out her blog, give her some congrats. I think she earned them!

God bless Bitchcakes!!!


Friday, July 23, 2010

Attitude is everything. Pick a good one!!!

I think the biggest difference this time round with WW is my attitude.

In the past, I'd go to that first WW meeting after a long absence all fired up. I was going to 'get down to business', get it done this time. Taking no prisoners. If you read my 'anal probe blog', you'll understand what I considered getting down to business. I didn't do that this time. I'm too old for that shit. I've mellowed with cheese! With age, definitely comes wisdom.

We have a lot of family phrases....I bet you guys do too. One that applies here is 'Lighten up Francis'. Not sure where it came from, but TBM says it all the time. I told myself that the whole week before I went back to WW. If I'd start stressing, I'd say 'lighten up Francis'...and calm myself.

I really wasn't ready to go back. I really wanted another week....I knew another week would mean a whole 7 days of uncontrolled eating, more weight to take off, and I really didn't want that either. I told myself I was going last week. Alone. When I'd get that feeling of 'aaaaaakkkkkkkkkk!!!! what am I doing????', I'd take a breath and lighten up. I was just going to do it. No big deal. S'all gravy baby. Another phrase...from my youngest (who by the way is his mother personified!!)

So, I went. I got up the next day, the first day OP of course, and just did it. If I started to feel caged in, limited choices, I told myself to lighten up. I can have anything I want...I'm not deprived. If I screw up today, no biggie, tomorrow will be better. I went in this time knowing it's a life time thing. I've said that before, but I've never believed it. I always thought I'd work the program 100% my way (the anal way), get to goal, then relax and do it like it's intended. Well, you see how that worked for me!

In the past, I'd start WW and immediately think of some event coming up and start to panic that I'd want treats then. I have an example handy....We're going to a big get together in August(yes, I realize I joined WW in July...told you...this is how my mind works!)....all the Michigan people from our FL home are getting together in Frankenmuth here in MI. We're having lunch at a family style place. Chicken, fried of course, taters, stuffing, the works. The thought popped into my mind that I can't go to that! No way my 35 extra points for the week will cover that...oh God what will I do??? I'll have to sit there and sip water while they all pig out! The horror!!!! Oh ya, my mind works like that. I actually got myself all worked up over this....for about 20 seconds. In the past, it would have been two weeks of worrying, agonizing, and then a total pig out that day, the day after, and probably the day before too! That's how I rolled.

This time is different. I'm thinking of these events and telling myself it's OK if I have a little extra. I know that doesn't work for a lot of you, but let me tell you what's happening here.

I wake up in the morning, think about what I'd like to eat that day...and immediately think OMG it's not enough points!!! I've been taking a deep breath, telling myself if I go over points today, s'all gravy baby as I've got those 35 extra. It'll work. The surprising thing that's happening, is telling myself not to worry, I'm not worrying, and I've had plenty of points every single day without even needing to dip into my weeklies. They're there if I want them though. Amazing what an attitude change can do!

In the past, I never wanted to have a heavy point lunch as what if I didn't have enough points left for dinner....lighten up Francis...enjoy lunch, then worry about dinner.

If attitude is everything, I like the one I've chosen to adopt!

How's your attitude? Does it need an adjustment?

S'all gravy baby


Thursday, July 22, 2010

Food for thought....

So, I got an email from my friend in England this morning with this link attached. He gets emails any time Houghton Lake is mentioned, and thought I'd be interested.

I went, watched, and was instantly disgusted. Maybe it's just me, maybe it just hit a nerve, but when are we going to stop pushing food??? OMG could our nation become any more obese?????

Just in case you don't go to this disgusting link, it's a story about a new business in our town.

Now, I'm all for the small business person...usually.

This one is a floating food porn pontoon. You're at the beach, swimming, playing, maybe even burning a you really need a boat to float up to you and toss you a hot dog???? Wing you some ice cream??? Are we so freaking lazy and fat that we can't trudge our rolls out of the water now and get to dry land before consuming food? We have to have it floated to us? OMG people, when will it stop??

I'm proud to be an American, don't get me wrong. I truly believe in our country, and I cherish our flag. We've got to get over this bigger/better attitude. We're killing ourselves. We're killing our kids. Who do you think this boat targets? Kids. Yep, they're in the water playing, not even thinking of food until this pulls up and waves ice cream in their faces. Holy shit, give the kids a chance to live here!!!!

I just don't know what it's going to take to get our nation on a healthy path. Something drastic I'm sure. It's not right for a parent to let their child become obese. Yes, that's right, I said it. Those of you that know me know I say it like I feel it. Got me into trouble many a time I assure you. Hear me out.

I go to Wal-Mart and see a very obese woman in a powered wheel chair nudging along her mother, also very obese in a regular wheel chair, who is pushing a cart with the fattest toddler I've ever seen. He fills the grocery cart. He's eating out of a bag of cookies like a starved animal. He's 2. I asked. I'm sorry, I feel both of those women should go to jail. They're killing that baby. At 2 years old, anything that baby puts in his mouth is given to him by someone else. They have the choice to feed him healthy food. They, and nobody else, is starting that child on a life full of health problems. That's child abuse in my book. No, I didn't say anything...I didn't know what to say. I'm ashamed about that actually. I hope that baby is still alive.

We need a system here. You take your kid in for his first shots and he weighs more than the nurse, you get nutritional counseling. No more can you use the excuse that you didn't know how to feed your baby. Better yet, every baby born should come with a food guide. "How to feed your baby the healthy way". You have to read it and sign a paper that you understood it before you take that baby home.

When I had my first child, and he started eating food. He was hungry all the time I thought. I'd feed him, and a little while later he'd cry for more. I fed him more. I loved feeding him. What a good boy, look at all he eats! I was 19, I knew nothing. There were no lessons. I took him for a check up and of course he was heavier than he should be. Doc asked me about his diet. I told him how his food went for the day. Get up, have a bottle. A little while later, have some cereal. A little while later, some fruit. Another bottle, more cereal, bottle, veg, bottle, get the drift. I thought Doc was going to have an apoplectic fit! He was an old guy, but had his nutrition marbles in a row! Holy shit did he chew me out. He said that baby should be eating 3 times a day. He looked at me and said I was creating an obese child that was going to have a life just like mine. Is that what I wanted? I cried of course. Hell no I didn't want my baby to have the life I had. Kids are mean to fat kids...I'm sure some of you might know that. I wanted the best for my baby. Oh sure, it took a few days to get him on the new schedule, but I did. He was a healthy child. Right up until he hit about 8th grade. Then he started poofing up. He still fights a weight battle and I feel so guilty about that. Did how I started his life of eating create that? I dunno, but my other two sons don't fight that battle. I will always wonder if my oldest sons obesity is my fault.

Your baby falls down and scrapes his you really think a cookie makes it better???? Um no. A hug and some kisses and a new activity would do just the same. We need to teach our babies not to associate food with emotions like that. Think how that would have helped us along our weight loss journeys.

Your baby won't eat his peas, or his green beans, or any veg? No, if he knows you're going to give him something else, something tastier in his little mind, he won't. They're not stupid those little ones. They learn that if they refuse to eat, you'll give them something else. You have the power to bring good eating to your child. I know I'm old fashioned, and have old ideas, but you know what? A baby doesn't eat his food at lunch, it goes in the fridge and he gets it for dinner. He doesn't eat it at dinner? Bet he'll eat it at breakfast. He's not going to starve to death if he doesn't eat for 24 hours.

I don't exempt myself from all blame either. I know that I always had special treats on special occasions. Birthdays, Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter...they all had their special foods associated. We always went for ice cream after the awards ceremonies at yes, I am ashamed to admit, that food was used inappropriately in my home. I will, however, stand tall and tell you all that I fed my children very healthy meals most of the time. I didn't fry food, they ate veg, they had a very balanced diet. We didn't have desserts, we didn't have junk. There was always a snack for them if they wanted it. Fruit, veg, cheese, yogurt, etc. See, I grew up and snacks were a no no. I learned to sneak food.

I was fat from the time I was in 1st grade. I was skinny in kindergarten, and then pfoooooooot, I woke up fat and 5. I'd come home from school starving to death, as most kids do. My mom didn't allow snacking before dinner. I was fat you know? I did what any hungry kid would do. I found food, I hid, I ate it. I kept doing this until I was old enough to drive somewhere after school and get a few hot dogs and a few bags of chips as I was famished. Of course, I ate so much that at dinner time, I wasn't hungry. I had to eat dinner though, or mama would figure out what I had done.

Had my mother known that snacks were healthy, needed for kids, maybe I'd have got my weight under control earlier. Hell, maybe I wouldn't have been fat at all. I do not blame my mother at all. She didn't know better. I really feel parents of today do know better. They do know what that baby needs, they just don't do it.

I understand it's awesome to be the one that makes your child's face light up. You give a kid something sweet, something he loves, he's going to be happy. You're going to feel good about yourself. If that child develops a weight problem that he will carry with him for the rest of his life , with all the health problems along with it, are you going to feel good about yourself then? I don't think so.

I guess I got off on a tangent this morning...and I'm really sorry this went so long, but can you tell this is something close to my heart. Something I feel so strongly about. I want our nation to be healthy. I want our kids to have a fighting chance in the health world. I want us to teach our children what we weren't taught. I don't want them to have to fight like we're fighting. I for one am having a hard time with my weight...I'd give anything in the world if none of my children had to go through this. If I could wave a magic wand, I'd wave that bad boy all day long to make it better!

I shall step down off my soapbox now.


Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Just a little bit

Sometimes we think results take great efforts.

Great efforts become a chore so we don't do them.

So, we don't see results.

I've said 'baby steps' so many times, but never appreciated the concept until just now. You always hear that just a little bit of extra effort adds up. Ya, yawn. I saw it in writing today, and it hit home.

I get daily emails from Joy Bauer, called 'The Daily Plumb'. Today's really made an impact on my baby step theory. She was talking about adding little extras in. Before there were gyms, what did people do? Before there were automatic dishwashers, elevators, etc. Here is part of it.

"For instance, the next time you have a choice between stairs or an elevator, take the stairs. You can either walk all the way up or, if your destination is on a very high floor, just part of the way. When it comes to escalators, don't let them do all the work for you — climb as fast as you can. You'll get to your destination faster and build super-strong quad muscles to boot. If you take mass transit to your office, get off a stop or two early and walk the rest of the way. If you drive, park farther away.

The bottom line is this: The calories you burn just by turning back the clock on one activity have a nice way of adding up. Even if it's just an extra 50 per day, that still leaves you five pounds lighter in a year's time. Not bad!"

Holy shit!!! I can lose 5 pounds in a year by choosing to burn 50 extra calories each day? Baby steps indeed!!!

I found this site that shows how it adds up. Give it a look see.
Anything in there you could do today to burn 50 extra calories? I'm going to find one.

From now on, parking at the end of the parking lot isn't going to seem like a wasted effort...nope, it's going to add up.

Hmmm I wonder how long I have to type to burn 50 calories????

C'mon, you know you want to join me. What little extra can you do today? Might give someone else an idea!

Peace be the journey!


Monday, July 19, 2010

Anal probe

No, not the thing, the personality. Are you anal?

I sure am. To the nth degree.

That has been one of my problems with weight loss in the past. I scoffed at people at the meetings that said they just eyeballed portions. Eyeball??? Nooooooooo noooooooo nooooooo not me! I weighed. I didn't just weigh in ounces, I weighed in grams.

I learned that a 1/2 cup of oatmeal weighs way more than it should. Therefore, if I measured, instead of weighed, I got more oats, therefore more calories, therefor more fat. If I couldn't weigh out my oats, 40g btw, I'd skip the oatmeal for that day. If I couldn't weigh my cereal, I'd skip it. Potato chips? Count 15? What are you? Some kind of sick pervert??

I would make a double batch of something, let's say oatmeal here. So, it's all cooked together in one pan. How do I separate it? Get two bowls and dollop some in each? Oh hell no. Get 2 exactly matching bowls, and yes, weigh them to make sure they are exactly the same. Then, carefully spoon oatmeal into each. Weigh one, then the other. A few grams off? Keep moving oats from one bowl to the other until it's exactly the same. A gram people.....a gram! A freakin gram can be 1 oat! Is there even any such thing as 1 oat??? I'd get them exactly the same and there'd be 1 oat left....couldn't put it in either would toss it. Um, Anal? Who me???

I have broken many a pretzel in half to get the exact gram count.

Eat a chicken thigh and count it as 3 points? Oh no no no....weigh the said chicken thigh with the bone, eat the meat, then weigh what's left. It might be less than 3 ounces you know...then less points!

OMG it's no wonder I'd get so frustrated and cry to my very good friend Ian that I just couldn't take it anymore. I'm sure this is why he's bald. He's pulled his hair out in exasperation from listening to me moan! I'd actually break down in tears....flail my arms and everything. I just can't take any more weighing and measuring. It's too much work. Don't even get me started on planning and tracking!

Earth to freakin Debby...YOU'RE MAKING IT WORK!!! It doesn't have to be. It doesn't have to be exact. Oh, it has to be close, but holy shit get a life! If there is 1 extra oat in today's bowl and 1 less tomorrow....won't it really all even out???

Deep breath here....this is another way I'm trying to change this time around....yes, it will even out. There, I said it!

Today I made oatmeal using a measuring cup. I didn't have a heart attack or anything.

Today I took 4 Jennie-O turkey sweet Italian sausages, split them open and divided each sausage in half and cooked them all up. I didn't weigh them...I just broke them in half the best I could. I didn't even need a paper bag to breathe in!

I measured cherries into individual containers today. I just took the stems off and tossed them into the cup. I didn't try to jiggle the cup, arrange each cherry to get the most in...I went with the flow. I don't think cherries have ever tasted sweeter!

Pixie is stomping on the anal probe this time. I may be old, but man oh man I'm still learning!


Sunday, July 18, 2010

Not sure where to start

Learned so many things in just the past few days...not sure what I want to blog about.

First, just an FYI. Pickles. Like them? We do. I buy the gallon jug at Sam's. OK, so the gallon of whole pickles costs less than the gallon of pickle spears. I look at them and think hmmmmm are the spears more expensive because they're already cut, or do you pack more spears into the gallon than whole pickles. Ya, I know...have told you before my mind is a freaking scary place. We use a Tupperware pickle keeper so we don't have to haul the gallon jug out every time we want one. So, today, I popped open the new jar and began to spear them for the pickle keeper...then I thought aha! Perfect day to do the experiment. I got out a big bowl and cut the whole entire jug into spears and then began stuffing them back into the jar. I was actually surprised by the outcome. A gallon of whole pickles takes up exactly the same space as a gallon of pickle spears. Ya, so I flunked physics that really did surprise me. I thought you'd fit more cut pickles into the same amount of space. So, it is indeed cheaper to buy whole pickles and cut them yourself...which is what I've been doing all these years. Now I know my effort was worth it.

OK, that isn't what I wanted to blog about, but I just had to share that. I shall keep the rest short so I don't bore the pants off you.

Portion size is important. Yes, that's not news, really. It is, when applied to the following situation. I hate veg as you all know. I measure my veg so I know I'm getting enough, not so I know if I'm having too much. So, I like broccoli soup. I make my own, WW friendly and it's good. It's really good. So, I always think, hmmm I like it, it's pureed, I'll just eat all 3 servings of my veg right here in this bowl. I start eating and it's fabulous. I keep eating and it's good. I get 1/2 way through and I think 'crap, there's a lot left in the bowl. A few more bites and I'm gagging it down. So, a good thing just got crap. I leave the rest in the bowl. Don't know how many veg I consumed, or how many points either. A bust.

So, after my mind was on fire from 'The Great Pickle Discovery', I turned to other things. I was fixing broccoli soup for my lunch pack veg in you know? I cooked the living crap out of the broccoli and pureed it to smithereens with my boat motor. Was really pretty in the pan. The first thing I decided to do was to portion out the slurry right then, before I added anything else. That way, I can experiment with each batch. I might want 2% Velveeta in one, or Parmesan in one, or like today, I used Laughing Cow light Swiss. So, got 6 containers I think with 1/2 cup pureed broccoli each. I left 1/2 cup in the pan. Looked like a piddly amount. I thought oh I should add more, get more veg in. Then I remembered what ALWAYS happens. So I didn't. I added a wedge of LC, and 2T of fat free 1/2 & 1/2. More pepper...and that was it. Put it into my soup cup. Hmmm not much....then I settled down with that and my 'garlic toast'. Today I made my 'garlic toast' with a Thomas bagel thin, 1 t olive oil, fresh garlic and fresh basil, and sea salt. I sat with my soup and it was good. I got half way through and it was still good. I scraped the bottom of the bowl and it was still good! I wanted more...I wasn't gagging. Wow!!!

So, yes, I still need 2 more veg today somewhere...but I had 1 that I liked. I'm determined to change my thinking and actions this time round. Change my habits for life, not just for the duration of the diet. I can't go through life gagging down shit I don't like. Well I can, but I won't. If this is going to be a plan I can live with the rest of my life, I have to make it good.

Today, so far, it is good.

I'm old, but I'm still learning!!!


Friday, July 16, 2010

New Girl

Yep, so I'm the new girl.

Went back to Weight Watchers last night. To a meeting where nobody knew me. Didn't give my 'secret' away. Felt awesome.

I've gained 40ish pounds. Fuck me sideways.

Left the meeting all invigorated. Went to bed in doubt about today. Why?

Simple. Let me give you a little glimpse into my mind. Hold someones hand, it's a scary place.

Left the meeting fired up.

Went to the store after dinner to get a few essentials for today as TBM has to work at 9:30 and I don't want to keep the truck. Still fired up.

Got home, played on the computer, still fired up.

Thought pops into my head. There's a half a loaf of Portuguese bread in the drawer and butter in the fridge. Maybe I should wait one more day to begin the diet. You know, eat that. It's really good and was expensive, don't want to waste it. Not fair to feed it to TBM as he needs to lose a C note or two. Not so fired up now....

TBM is in the kitchen setting the coffee pot for morning...he springs out into the apartment and says to me "Did you know there's a bag of potato chips in the pantry?! Wavy chips! They're wavy chips! Did you know this?" Um, no, but I do now asshat. Thank you very much. NOW all I can think about are those F'ing wavy Lays in the pantry. Definitely not so fired up now.

Much easier to just take one more day off...plan a menu today...get organized for tomorrow.

OMG do you see the horrors of my mind??? WHY does my mind work like that. Do any of your minds work like that? I can't possibly be the only F'd up person in the weight loss world am I???

At this exact moment. I can't honestly tell you that it's going to be OK. I'm fighting myself. I'm like a drug addict with food.

I'm not sure who's winning.

Ya, they don't all end upbeat!


Thursday, July 15, 2010

Tonight's the night

Though I do love Rod Stewart, I don't think we're exactly talking about the same thing here.

Tonight is the night I go back to Weight Watchers. Ya, that just doesn't quite compare to what old Rod was crooning about...but it's what is in my future.

I have thoughts about tonight though, and since I'm not a singer (shut it Ian!), I'll just write.

I wrote the other day about needing to do things a bit different. I mean, obviously something wasn't quite working the old I need to shake it up a bit.

I'm going to a meeting tonight where nobody knows me. There is one right here in my town, so why am I driving 50 miles to another one? Well, firstly, because I don't like the meeting here. I like the leader, I don't like the members. They're the same old members that have been there since the 70's. They're not upbeat. They're sad sacks. The room is awful. It's a huge, cavernous room that echos. You can't hear well. It's clique-y. I don't like that. Not because I'm not part of it, I am, but that's not how I roll. I want to meet new people, hear their stories, bring them into the group. That's not allowed.

Most important, they know me. Why does that matter? What is the main reason I'm going somewhere that nobody knows me? Well, because they know me. They know my story. All my troubles are discounted. I'm obviously floundering, but I'll receive no help because they know how far I've come. They don't see that I need help. I'm the helper not the helpee. I just want to be one of the crowd. I want to be the new girl that is having problems. I don't want to be the girl that has lost over 100 pounds.

There was always a rush when the leader would ask me to share my story. The minute I did, however, I was not one of them anymore. I wasn't someone that was struggling to lose weight, I was someone that did it. Kind of like workers and management. I wasn't finished, but that didn't matter. We'd be talking about difficulties, and I wasn't really allowed to join in.

I want the new person help. When I say my eating is out of control, I want ideas of what to do, how to stop it. I don't want rolled eyes and 'oh you'll get it, you always do', and then the topic switches to something else.

I can't talk to my non weight watching friends about this. They don't want to hear it. They don't understand. I'm boring them to death. They're like 'well just do it. Why do you need Weight Watchers...'. I'm sure some of you get the same thing.

I'm excited about my meeting tonight. I know I can share that with you and you'll get it.

I'm so pumped about being the new girl. The girl that wants to lose 50-90 pounds. The girl that will celebrate each 5 pound mark with gusto. Those little celebrations are like gold to me. I was cheated out of them. I had lost 170 pounds, so when I got another was a ho hum response when the leader presented it. Tonight is a chance for me to start over.

Tonights the night. It's gonna be alright. Ain't nobody gonna stop me now.


Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Weight Watchers Works

Oh hell yes it does.

OK, here's the history. I know WW works as I've been there, and done that. I've joined WW and I lost weight.

I fell off the program, and I gained weight.

I joined WW again, and I lost weight.

As you all know, I'm going back to meetings this week. I need them. I can't do this alone...ya I know, I'm needy...what can I say?

I got this email from Florine Mark today...oh ya...we're BFF's ya know? So, I read what she had to say. Then, I actually thought about what she said, then I thought 'holy shit she's really said something here'. Here's what Flo said to me. I thought it was deep. Read it...think about it yourself.

Just about everyone faces setbacks in life. But part of success is dealing with and ultimately, learning from our failures. Persistence is important, but repeating the same actions over and over again probably won’t get you any closer to your objective. Look at your previous unsuccessful efforts and decide what to change. Keep making adjustments, using your experience as a guide. Never give up!

OMG, it's so true. Yes, Weight Watchers works, but you have to do it right. What's right for me, might not be what's right for you. I have to find what is right for me. I can't go back to meetings this week and do exactly what I did before, because, obviously, that really didn't work. Yes, I lost weight, but I gained it back too. I need to really think about the program and maybe tweak it somehow. Find what works and keep that, and figure out what didn't work and shit can that. Gaining 40 pounds sucks...but at least I can learn something from it.

Oh ya, I got some thinkin and some plannin to do.


Monday, July 12, 2010

Can you be bribed?

I wish I could.

Can you bribe yourself to 'be good' with some sort of reward? The proverbial carrot dangling from the string?

I freaking wish I could. Maybe I need to learn.

I have the wherewithal to tell myself "OK, you stay OP this week and you can buy yourself that brand new Janet Evanovich book for your Kindle'. It sounds good in theory, but it doesn't work that way with me. I either A. half way through the week say 'fuck it, I'll do it next week. I can wait a week for the book.' Or, B. say 'Fuck it, I'll buy the damn book anyway cuz I'm a princess and I can.' See the prob here?

When I was 17 years old and leaving for college. My dad told me that if I lost 100 pounds he'd give me a car. Yep, when the other dads were saying 'now look here princess, don't be putting out to every guy you meet', my dad was bribing me to lose weight. He wasn't worried about me putting out, I mean really....anyway, point is. That car was mine. Oh yes, in my mind I was driving it because all I had to do was lose 100 pounds. Ya, so of course I didn't get the car. I didn't get the brand new wardrobe, I didn't get the 100 bucks for each pound lost either.

So, sitting here all alone (TBM is taking a nap. It's his birthday today, we both have the day off, I thought exciting things would be commencing today. When asked what he wanted to do on his birthday, he replied 'take a nap', and that's just what he did) and wondering about WHY I can't be bribed.

Is it part of the short in my wiring? Is it part of this instant gratification thing? Of course it is. So, perhaps, if I learned to be bribed, I might learn other things? If I learn the patience required for bribery to work, I just might learn a bit more about myself.

I'm going to try it anyway. I'll try anything once!

I WANT that Janet Evanovich book. I want it NOW.

Noting up my sleeve here....I'm going to attempt to bribe myself. I'm going to, well now, right now I AM telling myself the following.

If you:
1. Re-join WW this week AND
2. Track all your food this week AND
3. Exercise formally at least two times AND
4. Post a loss at your next meeting (yes, a scale victory is a must even if you think it's wrong for you)

You may then, and ONLY then, rush home and hit the 'buy now' button on that book. Furthermore, if you don't complete all 4 chores, you may NEVER buy the book. Not next week if you do really good, not the week after if you do triple good, NEVER. You must then wait for your name to come up on the list at the library.

Limits. What a concept.


Sunday, July 11, 2010

Happy Saturday Peeps!

OK all, here's the skinny.

Well, not so skinny. I'm fat! Who knew? My clothes for one. NONE of them fit. Oh yes, I feel so comfortable going out and about in clothes that are too tight.

I'm going back to Weight Watchers meetings starting Wednesday.

I got my work schedule for this week and I'm off Wed and Thursday...convenient as that's when the meetings are eh?

I should be able to do it on my own. I know the program inside out. I've been attending since 1977. The one thing I have learned, is I just am not accountable to myself. That is something I shall work on. It's obviously a blip in my brain sensor somewhere that needs a bit of solder. I've tried to short circuit it with Oreo's and potato chips, but that didn't work!

I hear over and over again that we need to learn why we eat. Why we do the things we do. I don't know. Do you? I mean really, do many of us know WHY we stuff food into our faces? I'm amazed when Jillian Michaels seems to figure it out in a week on her show...maybe she needs to come visit me.

I try to simplify it. Just say that I'm an instant gratification type of girl. I want what I want, when I want it. Nah, it's got to be something more. I just honestly have NO idea what.

I don't eat until I'm sick like I've heard others do.

I don't eat in private, in fact, quite the opposite. I don't give a rats ass who sees me eat a whole pizza...nope, bring on the crowds.

I don't eat, then purge. No, I've NEVER been a purger. I'm selfish. I ate it, it's mine to keep!!!

Do I eat when I'm not really hungry? Yes I do. Why? I don't know.

Do I eat 12 cookies instead of 1? Yes I do. Why? Because they taste good and I like them.

Do I eat a whole bag of potato chips at one sitting? Yes I do. Why? Because I like them and I can.

When I'm eating, if something doesn't taste good, I quit. As soon as the chips don't taste as good as they did, I quit. I then, however, move on to something else. I need to learn to just QUIT!

It's the same with my meals. If I'm eating and it doesn't taste good. I quit. I'll wait until something tastes better. I don't like I'll try them, they of course suck, so I don't eat them. Ya, I know....I'm a 2 year old. What can I say?

I don't mind being hungry. On the contrary, I like the feeling. So, WTF is wrong with me? Wait, don't answer that!

So, I'm going back to my WW meeting. I'm going to attempt to lose the 40 freaking pounds I gained...along the way I'm going to really pay attention and learn. Learn what you say? Well, even if you didn't, here's what I want to learn.

1. One or two cookies is enough.
2. One slice of peanut butter cake is enough.
3. One lemon bar is enough.
4. One small bowl of potato chips, or any other salty snack is enough.
5. If I'm not hungry, don't eat.
6. I want to learn moderation. I want to know I can eat 'real food' with real people in moderation. One meal. One day. Not 37 meals for 3 months.
7. I want to have a glass of wine for dinner if I want and learn to cut back somewhere else to accommodate that.
8. I want to learn to eat normal.
9. Moderation, moderation, moderation.
10. Did I mention Moderation???

That's all peeps. A Pixie has to do what a Pixie has to do. I need the support of my WW meetings...and all of you of course!


Saturday, July 10, 2010

Tough love = No love?

Mornin peeps.

Oh, before I get started. Water. It was water. I chose to begin my health quest (a-freaking-gain) with water. I put 8 cups of water in a Tupperware fridge container (which btw is a piece of shit and don't ever buy it! It's orange, narrow so it fits in the door of your fridge, but it glugs when you pour it. Always. Even when you're pouring out the last cup, it glugs and the water, well comes out in glugs and splashes. Needs some kind of vent), and I proceeded to drink it all the day before yesterday. When you're not used to drinking water, that was a freakin lot of water! I did it again yesterday, and I intend to do it again today, and tomorrow, and the day after the idea?

OK, so on to today's topic.

Tough love and weight loss. Tough love and life in general. Do they go hand in hand? Does it motivate you? When you're floundering, either in your diet, or your life, and someone tells you to suck it up, pull up your big girl panties, etc. Does it help or hinder? Discuss.

Oh pick me! I'll go first! Can you just see me in Catholic school, in my desk, bouncing up and down with my hand in the air waving about??? Arnold Horshack in a uniform...OOH! OOH! OOH!

So, for me, it hinders. Hell yes I know I need to suck it up. It's OK for me to tell me to suck it up, etc...but I find that when my friends tell me that, it kind of hurts my feelings. It makes me feel they just don't want to listen to my pain, my problems. It's easier to just brush it off, tell me to suck it up, and go on to happier topics.

We all have pain in our life at some point. We all aren't Suzy Sunshine 100% of the time. I'll admit I'm Debby Does the Happy Dance most of the time, but there are times when I'm just not shooting rays of sunshine out my ass...ya know? That's when I just want my friends to commiserate. Just say 'holy shit, it sucks to be you right now', just go along with me. I'm just venting. I don't do it often, but sometimes I just need to vent.

I know it's not OK to eat a whole cheesecake. OK, so I didn't really do that (I only brought 2 pieces home or I might have though!), but if I had, I think I'd just like my friends to say "Man, why didn't you bring me some", or some such trivial nonsense. I know it doesn't help. I know it was a hell of a lot of fat and calories. I KNOW. I did it anyway. Will I do it again? Most probably. Would someone telling me 'holy shit you moron that was stupid, dont do it again!' help? Nope, not for me it wouldn't. It would just piss me off.

For the most part, my life is idyllic. For the most part. The part that isn't, sucks ass. Sweaty ass. When I unload on my friends my deepest feelings, I just want sympathy. Empathy even if it applies. I don't want them to fix it, to make it better, to change me. I just want hugs, even if they're virtual hugs. I just want to unload, get it off my chest. I'm not a keep it in kind of girl. So, when I get 'grow up, or suck it up, or whatever' that translates in my world as "Holy shit shut up about your problems already I'm sick of listening! You need to quit dwelling on them and let me talk now."

Is that what they mean? Hell no. My friends are the most loving, caring, fantastic people in the whole world. Hell, they've got me...what more could they ask? They love me, they think they're helping. They just don't know how bad it hurts. I got another email from that person that told me to suck it up from my last post...explaining they were just trying to help. They thought tough love would do it. Ya, not so much for me I found!

Am I a twirling in my diaphanous gown with my crown of flowing flowers while my unicorn plays in the posies kind of girl? You bet your ass I am. Sometimes I just want to live in my own dream world. It's so awesome there. You'd love it.

Point is, I'm a positive reinforcement girl. I know not everyone is, but that's how I roll. I'll be more apt to go out and do something if I'm encouraged, than I would if I was ordered. Pain in the ass? Maybe, but I'm worth it.

What floats your boat?

No matter what it is, you're worth it too!


Thursday, July 8, 2010

Listing to one side

I'm a list maker.

Yep, I'm one of those people that loves lists. I'll start out with a long list of tasks, and cross them off one by one when completed. If I do something that isn't on the list, I'll add it to the list so I can cross it off. Ya, I know, but honestly, that's the least of my psychotic foibles!!! The left shoe must always go on first...OK, not going to start down THAT list right now!

I get daily emails from some weight loss gurus. Denise Austin is one. She can be irritating to watch with that smile and bubbly personality....but you have to admit, she's got a bod on her AND she's not a teenager either. Today she talked about small steps and lists. Actually, the topic was 'Rethink your habits one step at a time'. Yes, we've all heard that shit before. Have you ever done it? I really never have I don't think. I've never made a list of everything about my health I want to change. I haven't rethunk my habits.

You see, right now I'm a bit overwhelmed. Everything is wrong again. I don't mean I just started eating sweets...I mean I quit everything. So, the thought of 'getting back on the wagon', just about brings me to my knees. Kind of like I'm not too sure where to begin. I get up in the morning and think OK, let's start. Then I think....where the hell DO I start?????

I'm a big fan of movies. Love my

Let's start at the very beginning. It's a very good place to start. (c'mon sing with me!) When you read you begin with A-B-C......

I'm going to make a list (ohhhh a spreadsheet! I love spreadsheets almost as much as lists! Ya, I know, I'm an F'd up girl!) and start crossing things off one by one. They say that if you do something for 3 weeks, it becomes a habit. Now, I'm not going to take 3 weeks on each thing....but if I do one thing today, that's one more thing than I did yesterday. Tomorrow, if I do that one thing again, maybe I'll try a second thing....always keeping up with the first thing.

Kind of like keeping those plates twirling on the pole. When one falls, it seems they all tumble down...I need to learn that when one plate falls, it doesn't mean I need to sit in the shards. It means I need to whip another plate on that pole and keep twirling.

If one day I don't do one thing, that's no reason not to do all the rest. Capish?

OK, so here's my list, in no particular order mind you. Do you have a list? Have you ever made a list? I highly recommend it.

1. Drink some freaking water. I drink NONE right now. I want to drink 8 cups a day. Holy shit that's a half gallon. OK, breathe. I can do this. One cup at a time. One day at a time.

2. Eat some damn fruit and veg. I'd like to eat a minimum of 2 fruits and 4 veg a day. Right now? Ya, that's right, I eat none. Unless it's fried. I like fried.

3. Quit eating the freaking fried shit. Period.

4. Eat whole grain only. No white rice. No white bread. No pasta that isn't whole grain. Not so hard with all the options today.

5. Cut out the cow. Not totally, just learn to incorporate the fish and the chicken. I eat 0 fish. Zip, nada, zilch. Pretty much same with chicken. If I eat meat, I go bovine. Stop that shit!

6a. Quit the mindless eating. I eat dinner, an hour later I'm hungry again. Bullshit. No way I can be truly hungry and hour after I ate. It's in my head.

6b. If I eat my 3 meals and a snack or two, and those meals and snacks are healthy and substantial, that should do me. I can't eat a slice of toast and a tomato for lunch and expect it to sustain me. C'mon girlfriend...get a clue! Food groups beotch...learn them. Use them.

7. Quit giving in to the sweet craving. I have NO F'ing idea where this came from. I've never been a sweet eater. I like my salt. Now, I actually get cravings for sweets that are like an addicts cravings for drugs. I want it and I want it now! I get all jittery inside thinking about it. Will one satisfy? Hell no. I make a pan of brownies and I chip away at them until I eat the whole frigging pan. Oh don't doubt me here. It's true.

8. Butter is not my friend.

9. Move my fat ass. In a mindful manner. The days I work, I work. My job is physical. On my feet. I walk about 3-5 miles during the course of my shift. I lift, I move. I work 2 days a week. The other 5 I sit on my fat ass and do nothing exercise wise. So, those days "I want to move it move it" (told you I loved my movies!).

10. Dairy. Embrace the lactose. I like it. Do I drink it? Nope. Do I eat my yogurt? Nope. Why the hell not??? Who the hell knows!!!! Goal? Three a day.

I think 10 is a good place to start.

So, which one am I going to choose for today? Hmmmm I dunno yet. The choice is mine to be made and it will be made. I'll let you know tomorrow.

ADDENDUM: OMG ppl...really? This post wasn't up 5 minutes before I got an email from someone telling me I was a lazy bitch and this was a cop out. More exucses to not get started. You have got to freaking be kidding me! Is this not a journey? Is this supposed to be some miraculous instant change? I think not! I'm glad that 'you' (insert email person here) have your poop in a group...I don't. I bet other people out there don't either. Some of us are still trying to figure it out. Cut us some fucking slack!

OK, NOW I'm done!