Saturday, January 31, 2009

Day 29

Almost over and then one more to go and I know I can do it.

What an awesome feeling.

I'm not sure I've ever gone 30 days in a row 'being good'. It's all due to that stupid 30 day challenge I made myself. You bet your hiney I'll be making myself another challenge.

It will include:
30 days of being OP 6 days a week
1 week of eating nowhere but at the table
exercising a minimum of 5 days a week and increasing the duration

Not sure what else, but definitely those things.

I eat only in my recliner. It's not good for a multitude of reasons. Posture isn't good for one. Mainly I think it's why I'm hungry at night. I associate my chair with eating. It's going to be a very tough habit to break as we've not eaten at the table since my Dad died in 2005. Not sure why, but I assume it's all to do with structure. Dinner was at 6PM every night for years. My Dad retired in 1983 and moved up north where we lived. He had dinner with us each and every night all those years. He moved in with us several years before his death and the routine stayed the same. When he became bedridden, I started eating my food in his room. We never went back to the table! In fact, when we wanted to sell our house, we uncluttered. I sold the dining room table and chairs! We didn't even have a table for a few years. When we bought this place in FL there wasn't room for a table in the house as there are 3 of us in this tiny unit, so the table was banished to the lanai. We never used it so we gave it away to make more room out there. We've now got a table of sorts out there, but all 3 of us eat in our recliners. It will be hard for me to go sit out there all by myself to eat, but I'm going to do it for at least a week. I won't like it, but I'll do it!

Sorry, got lengthy there.

Day 29 tally:
Stay OP: check
Exercise: check times 2
Journal: check

Tomorrow is the last day and then I start a new book.

Friday, January 30, 2009

The best laid plans

Often go awry.

I slept late today. Had a rough night. Didn't get out of bed until an almost unheard of 9:30. Decided to do my exercise later on. Had a lovely coffee hour. Caught up on emails and reading my favorite blogs. Planned my shopping list as I need to go to town today. Planned my food for the day.

Looked at the clock and it was 2:30. Had I exercised yet? Nope. Had I had lunch yet? Nope. Here's my conundrum. I bought a gorgeous 7 pound chicken to bake tonight. I bought fresh beets from the veggie man that comes to the park to roast in the oven while the chicken was cooking. I planned to put potatoes, carrots, and onions in with the chicken. Wow, dinner with 3 veggies and lovely taters and succulent roasted chicken. Sounded fitting for King Henry VIII! Oh yea, though I walk through the valley of counting points, I'd figured in a glass of wine for my dinner too. Henry can have mead. My mouth was watering. You'll notice I say 'was'.

Going to town here is different than going to town anywhere else in the world I think. I need to run to Wal-Mart. Half an hour you say? Not on your orange picking life. It's only 9 miles down the road, but it takes over 20 minutes to get there. I drive a one ton doolie so I practically need to park across the road from the door. Good for exercise, bad if you're pressed for time. It's Friday. The Mexicans get paid on Friday. Now don't get your panties in a bunch here. I'm not being politically incorrect, though I'm not adverse to doing that at all. It's just that we live in an orange picking state and the Mexicans pick the oranges. They ship them to Wally World in big buses on the weekend (the Mexicans not the oranges) to spend their hard earned dollars. It's a zoo there. So, let's do our math girls and boys. 20 minutes there, 20 minutes back, a few to park and God knows how long in the store. It's not a quick trip. Sooooooooo I can't put the fowl in the oven before I go or it would be cremated remains upon my return. I can't pop the poultry in when I get home as it'll be too late. What's a girl to do? Re-plan, that's what.

I've been hungry for pizza. Pizza Hut pizza to be precise. Pizza Hut Pan Pizza. I can have a personal pan pizza with ham, mushrooms, and olives for 13 points. Bring that bad boy on! I plan on licking every last drop of grease from my fingers too. This is where I think Weight Watchers is just brilliant. Don't tell us we can't have something. You can't tell a fat bitch she can't have something as that's the first thing she's going to want, and in the end, have. Tell her it's her choice. Oh yes my dear, you can have it if you budget the points. Is it worth it to you to have a tiny, almost minuscule, grease laden pizza instead of a myriad of other high fiber, filling foods?

Today it is. Hell yes I say! Bring on the steaming, greasy, crispy, mouth watering, gooey, disk of heaven. My taste buds are waiting and I'll enjoy every last speck.

Before you gasp in horror as I know you know I only get 23 points a day and how on earth will I get my milks etc in. As my youngest son says "s'all gravy baby." I'll have 2 WW yogurts for my milks, I think the pizza will cover the oil requirement, I've got strawberries planned later and mushrooms on the pizza and a cup of tomato soup before I leave. I'm golden! God it's going to be so wonderful to enjoy it knowing it's OK to do so.

I just finished the 2 mile WATP with weights also.

So, day 28 tally
Stay OP: check
Exercise: check
Journal: double check!

Life is good.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

It's snot how you feel

It's what you do even when you feel like crap.

I have a cold. I don't get ill very often. No, I don't consider a cold being ill, but it's messing with me! I'm tired and sneezy and drippy. It took every ounce of oomph I had to drag my snotty hiney out of bed this morning and do my work out. I did it though! I did the 2 mile WATP with the weights. It was hard, but I did it. I took a pass on the 6 mile bike ride today. I think my sneezing would make me drive into a cactus!

Ian has a cold too so he's suffering not so silently with me! In fact, we both pretty much sneezed simultaneously the other day and that's when they started. I just hope Den doesn't get it. Ian got a new little camera that he can carry in his shirt pocket so we set out for a slow meander for him to test it. He didn't feel like doing his VERY brisk walk today. We made it as far as the lake. I said I'd wait out on the pier while he snapped away. It was so peaceful out there. The breeze, the sound of the water. I just love water. It's soothing and I did a lot of thinking and praying listening to the lap of the waves. That's as far as my stroll went. I made it off the pier and onto the swing for another half hour or so until I finally had the gumption to walk back home. What a pansy I am!

I got home hungry, tired, cranky, and sneezing away. I wanted pizza. I wanted dumplings. I wanted anything other than the 1 cup of lettuce and 1/4 cup of diced red peppers and 2T fat free Italian dressing I had planned for a snack. How gross! What's wrong with me to plan a veg for a snack????

I ate the salad. Gag me.

I was still starving. Figured I'd have dinner early. I had planned the creamy chicken curry and brown rice with a can of V8 for dinner. Oh yum. More veg. I wanted mashed potatoes and tomato soup with tons of cubed cheese. I wanted rich, creamy, mac and cheese.

I ate the curry. Gag me.

So, today's lesson for my thick brain is it's not how I feel, it's what I do when I feel like crap.

Yes, I had to fight with myself to not have what I wanted. The day isn't over yet, but I'm confident I can make it through. Maybe I'm learning that if I want the results I want, I have to do the action to achieve them. God how sad is that??? Just because I don't feel 100% doesn't give me carte blanche to eat. Would eating that food make me feel better? Well, as a matter of fact, yes it would. I've never been one to feel guilty about eating things I want. If it tasted good, it was worth it. Period. So, it's a bit harder for me to not eat what I want. I don't have the guilt aspect many of you do.

I'll tell you what is keeping me in the zone so to speak. It's that stupid little challenge I made for myself. The one that said I was going to stay OP for 30 days. The one that said I'd exercise a min of 5 days a week. Yes, that very one. It's the only thing that got me through the other day. For those of you that asked, yes I did make it through the next 60 minutes. I made it through the day. I went to bed at 10PM as I was starving and I had no points left. It was either that or eat. I did what I had to do. I don't know why it's helping, but it is. If you're struggling, try challenging yourself. I know when my 30 days is up, I'll think up another challenge for sure.

So, today is day 27 of my 30 day challenge. Drum roll please for the tally.
OP: Check
Exercise: Check
Journal: Check

Three days to go....
I'm the little fatty that can....I think I can I think I can I think I can I know I can I know I can I know I can!

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Throwing in the towel

Isn't an option. If it were, it would have been hovering over the trash bin as I type.

I had a 2.6 pound gain this week. I'm just plain pissed off. I understand things happen. I don't have to like it.

I was 100% OP each and every freaking day. I made sure to get my 2 fruits and my 3 veg in every day. I got my 3 milks and my healthy oils in also. I was picture perfect. I exercised 6 days by doing a 2 mile (instead of the 1 mile) WATP each day. Two, or three days, I can't remember which, I rode my bike 5 miles at a fairly good clip. I was counting my biking as leisurely biking. My friend went with me yesterday and thought it was more moderate than leisure. Works for me! I try to maintain a 10mph speed and I go for 5 miles.

I allowed myself to wallow in self pity until after my WI this morning at the meeting. I know not to focus all my energy on the scale, but face it, we do use it to measure. I got on the scale knowing it was up as I weighed myself here at home. The look on the lady's face was actually the best thing I've ever seen at the scale. It was pure sympathy. No raised eyebrow thinking she knew I'd been bad. I think she wanted to get up and give me a hug actually. I told her I didn't deserve it and she believed me. I didn't get any platitudes. I know it will be better next week. I know it's the week of the month I always gain. I know it could be due to the ramped up exercise I did this week. I know all this. I've been doing it long enough....I KNOW ALREADY! She didn't try to tell me anything I already knew. She just said 'well that's in the past now isn't it?' What a gal. I needed to lose 1 pound this week to get another star, to make my #165 off. Bummer I didn't do it. I wanted to. That's in the past now isn't it?

I'm fighting myself today to keep OP. The only thing keeping me at this moment (and I won't promise it's going to work all day) from eating the wallpaper, is my 30 day commitment to myself. It's not 30 days yet. I promised I'd stay OP for 30 days. I promised I'd exercise for a min of 5 days a week and yada, yada, yada. I haven't broken many, if any, promises in my life. I don't want to start now, but I can't guarantee today's success yet.

I will promise to not go off program in the next 60 minutes.

Baby steps.

Sunday, January 25, 2009

Oh Heavens! This bodes something strange

I took those words right out of old Horatio's mouth. I'm pretty sure it was Horatio, if not, please don't get your panties in a bunch. I love Shakespeare but sometimes I get the characters mixed up. Alas, I've digressed already!

As you all know, I've been working hard on a new me. A fit me. A trim me. OK, I'll say it. A drop dead gorgeous, smokin hot me! I made myself a goal for 30 days. Today is day 23. I vowed for 30 days to stay 100% OP every single day except for my no rules day. I vowed that I'd exercise a minimum of 5 times a week for a minimum of 30 minutes at a semi high intensity. I vowed that I'd track my food. For 22 days I've done that. I have no intention of stopping, but today I noticed something different. Today is Sunday. I thought I'd make it my day of rest from exercise. I lay in bed knowing I didn't have to leap out of the comfy softness and don exercise clothes and sweat my fat ass off to my WATP DVD. It felt lovely.

I got out of bed, put on my soft velvet robe and slippers, performed my morning ablutions, fixed my coffee and sat down to sip and read my book. Life was good. Or was it? Something was niggling at me. I felt unease. I'm a pretty mellow person. I don't feel stress as much as some seem to, and I certainly don't feel it during my morning coffee. What could be wrong? I damn near choked on my coffee when I realized what it was. OMG I didn't do my exercise and it's messing with my mind!!!!!!

They say if you do something long enough, it'll become habit. Is 22 days long enough? Apparently it is! Good grief I guess I'm stuck with this exercise malarkey now as I sure don't like the feeling that's inside my chest right now from not doing it!

I am reading an old book I've had around for years that is written by Bob Greene who is, or was at that time, Oprah's personal trainer. He sites reasons for why you should exercise first thing in the morning over other times of the day. They sound like valid reasons to me so that's what I've adopted for my routine. So, now, because I've not leapt out of bed and 'walked off the pounds' with Leslie, I'm feeling all crappy inside. It's actually like feeling nervous. How dumb is that? Goodness am I an OCD person or what?

I'll exercise later. I hope the feeling goes away.

Tomorrow will find me sweating my bootie off first thing for sure.

Friday, January 23, 2009

Robbing Peter to pay Paul

That's what planning my food for the day is like!

I get 24 points a day to play with. So, I sit down with a fresh tracker and start planning. I have to start with the 'must gets' or I won't get them. So, let's start with 3 milks (damn being 50 and needing that extra milk!), 2 oils, 2 fruits, 3 veggies. That's 10.5 points....maybe. You see, Weight Watchers have their own brand of math.

So I plan what I'd like for the day. Oops, it comes to 28.5 points instead of 24. Now, what are we going to cut? Hmmmmm let's get creative.

I was going to have cereal and milk for breakfast today for a change of pace. Milk is 2 points, cereal is 2 points. BUT, if I have WW yogurt, which still counts as a milk, it's only 1 point. OK, made that switch. NOW, if I have half a serving of cereal instead of a full one, that's another point shaved off. Two down, 2.5 to go. It gets tricky for sure.

I need 2 oils a day. If I eat them both at once, it's 2.5 points. If I use one teaspoon at lunch, and one at dinner, it's only 2 points. OK, split those bad boys up and another half point is shaved off! I'm on a roll here. 2.5 down, 1.5 to go.

I've been planning salmon for dinner for a few days now. It's high in points and it's usually what gets shaved off. Yesterday I substituted turkey meat loaf at 3 points for salmon at 4.5 points. Not today. I want the damn fish! That stays! So, still, 2.5 down, 1.5 to go.

I want taco salad for lunch today. I use 99% fat free turkey burger. Nice and low in points. 1 tablespoon of taco seasoning mix is .5 point. If I only use 2 teaspoons, it's 0. Made that change. I'll zip it up with some cayenne if I need to. Three down, 1 to go.

I just have 1 more point to cut. Where is it going to come from? Ohhhhhhh I've figured a whole serving of 2% shredded cheese on my taco salad. That's 1/4 cup. If I cut that to 1/8 a cup, it cuts 1 point!!!!!!! Wooohoooo we've done it!

Holy shit pass the Tylenol.

Only if it's zero points though!!!!

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

And the pounds go marching two by two

Hurrah! Hurrah!

OK, so it was supposed to be 'ants', deal with the change.

I was remiss in writing yesterday. I'd planned to skip cards last night, watch the biggest loser, and actually catch up on blogs that I'd not read, or written in days! Stuff happens though and I watched a 3 hour movie instead. Not even a good one I might add!!!

So, yesterday. Fixed my coffee and off to WW I went. I don't drink until after I weigh. I weighed myself last week before my coffee, and then after, and there was a 2 pound difference. I'll wait until after my WI thank you very much. After much worry about the WI, I had a loss. I was happy of course. My scale here at home showed me staying exactly the same this week. Now, my worry is that the scale at WW was off and I'll show a gain next week. Well, gotta worry about something right? Usually I weigh exactly the same here as it was a bit odd. I'll deal with next week when it happens.

I've been OP since January 3. I've exercised a minimum of 5 days a week. I've journaled every single day. I'm on a roll. I ramped up the exercise a bit last week and I plan to stick with it this week. I did 2 miles instead of 1 on the WATP's. Bike riding was 5 miles at a pop. I hate it, but I'm doing it.

I can't wait to see what next week's WI brings!

Monday, January 19, 2009

Day who the heck knows?

OK, so I forgot what day I'm on. I haven't messed up though. I've exercised each day. I've tracked my food each day. I've stayed OP each and every stinkin day. So, why, when I snuck a peek at the scale today did it show a gain? What the hell is up with that?

Tomorrow is my weigh in day. I'm not holding out hopes. It's so freaking frustrating to do everything right and show a gain. I never thought it was possible. I always heard people say 'I was really good but I gained'. I thought they were lying. At the very least, I thought they were fooling themselves. You know the kind...oh I put creamer in my coffee but I don't count it. Oh I added barley to my soup but I didn't count it. Oh I crushed up 2 packages of Oreo's into my sugar free pudding but that doesn't count! Helloooooo just because you don't count it doesn't mean it doesn't count. Well, I counted.

I'm going to go to bed now and dream of a .2 loss for tomorrow. Whatever happens I'll keep on for another week. Maybe my body is adjusting to exercise. Maybe it's in shock. Maybe a miracle will happen and I'll lose 4 pounds over night.

Where the hell is that Pixie dust when I need it????

Sunday, January 18, 2009

Goals, old and new

I'm trying to do a bit of computer clean up this morning. I'm weeding out things in the 'my documents' folder that I don't need anymore. I found a wps document in there titled 'goals'. I read it, started to delete it, but got thinking instead. Ya, I know, don't hurt myself. The date I wrote this was Oct 6, 2006. I realized that I've actually accomplished a few things on that list! After the rough 2008 I had, it was a very nice surprise to see that I really am making headway in this process.

Here's the list:

List of goals

Get into the new size 20 pants I bought and now am too fat for! (my 18's are getting a bit loose now)

Shop at Victoria's Secret...OK there's nothing I really want there, I just want to walk into the store without the salesgirls looking and thinking 'what the &&!!!!?????'

Weigh less than Ian (hmmmmm if I keep feeding him like I am this will be easy!!! Evil chuckle!

Jog without hearing fat flap (might take surgery)

Cross my legs comfortably

Wear my blouse tucked in

Be able to be carried by my husband or my son

Wrap a beach towel around myself with no gaps. (I can do that now)

Wrap a normal size bath towel around myself after a shower or at the beach.

Leap up into the back of the truck without looking like an elephant trying to pole vault. I drive a 1 ton dooley and freakin high when you’re only 5’4!!

Para-sail without feeling truly embarrassed

Skydive without fearing leaving a hole in the ground upon impact!

Buy clothes that I'm comfortable wearing at ANY store.

Wear short sleeves (OK so this might take surgery too!) without the arm fat hanging below the sleeve!

Have only 1 chin (I think there's only 1 there now!)

Get under 240 pounds (did that)
Get under 230 pounds (did that)
Get under 220 pounds (did that)
Get under 210 pounds (did that! Onwards and downwards I say!)
Get under 200 pounds
Get under 190 pounds
Get under 180 pounds
Get under 170 pounds
Get under 160 pounds
and finally
Get under 150 pounds!

I want to go to Africa and need to be MUCH smaller for this. I want to be able to leap in and out of the safari jeep. I need to be able to squat in the bush. Oh my I want this more than anything! I think perhaps a trip to Africa might be my goal gift to myself.

OK, this is my list so far! I plan on adding to it and especially crossing off it!

So, those were my goals in 2006. Have they changed? Just a bit maybe.

Goals as of January 2009:

* Get back into the size 16's I was wearing in August of 2008.

*Get back into the size 14's I was wearing in April of 2008.

*Get into a size 12.

* Incorporate exercise into my life and keep it there.

* Not have a weight gain in a year ever again.

*I want to learn that I can attend functions and not have them always be about food.

I will probably add to my list of goals as the days/years go by. I'll probably also remove things. I'm thinking that leaping up into the back of my truck isn't really that high on my list of priorities anymore!

Saturday, January 17, 2009

I'm on top of the world

OK, so I'm hunkered down in my chair in front of the electric heater with a soft blankie on. In my mind, however, I'm on top of the world.....looking down on creation even. I do miss Karen Carpenter....she sang my favorite version of that song. Oh God, I've digressed already!

I forgot to post day today is a twofer!

Yesterday was great. Exercised, stayed OP, journaled. I was a good little girl.

I got out of bed this morning. It was 49.8 degrees in my bedroom. Can I have a collective 'brrrrrrrrrrrrr' here??? I really wanted to just flick on the electric heater in the living room and sip my hot coffee. Did I do that? Nope. I got my shorts and tee shirt on, (another brrrrrrr if you please) went out to the lanai and did my 2 mile WATP. Last time I did this one I thought the bitch was trying to kill me. I was cursing out loud at the DVD player. It was easier today. I still worked up a big sweat, which I thought would be difficult as it wasn't even 50 degrees on the lanai! So, here it is 9AM and I've done my exercise, had my shower, and am on my 3rd cuppa. Life is good!

I brought up the online tracker to plan my food for the day. It reminded me of an artists blank canvas. I can fill it with whatever I want today. Within my points of course. Making sure to include all the healthy guidelines of course. I always start with snacks first and then plan around them. I have my priorities you know!

Day 15 tally
Exercise: check
journal & stay OP: check in advance. I'm feeling strong and don't foresee a problem here.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Lucky Day 13

Well today made 13 days in a row that I've been working on staying OP. It's my 13th day with a goal to exercise 5 days a week. It's my 13th day in a row to track what I eat.

I got up at 6am this morning as I was supposed to go to a dinner theater and the bus was leaving at 8:30am. I had a smallish breakfast as lunch was going to be huge. I had planned ahead for it. There was a ticket snafu and I couldn't go. It threw a monkey wrench in my day but I rolled with the punch. I came back home and re-planned my food. Then I took a long nap! Kind of slept through lunch so woke up starving to death. Oops, I had to re-plan....again! Had a very late lunch and felt tired again.

I went into the bedroom to get my exercise clothes on. The bed won! I climbed back in. You see it's very cold here today and my bed was lovely and soft and warm and just so inviting. There was nothing really that needed my attention other than exercise and that just didn't sound very good.

I play cards at 6pm most nights. Tonight was no different. I was laying there in bed and thought to myself that I needed to get up no later than 5pm if I wanted to exercise and then get cleaned up for cards. Well of course I didn't want to exercise!!!! I hope you're sitting down folks because I actually dragged my fat ass out of bed at 5:01PM and donned exercise clothes and went out to the lanai and did my WATP. Wow!!!! I did NOT want to do that for sure but I did.

I had a ton of points left and I knew it. While I was playing cards I was planning what I wanted for dinner. As I said it's cold here. I wanted tomato soup. It sounded so very good. I came home after cards (won second place if you please) and fixed my dinner. I had tomato soup, 2 ounces of colby cheese cubed up and 10 crackers. I ate it. I loved it. I was still hungry afterwards but it was worth it. It was now about 9:30 and I knew I could go to bed soon. That small dinner was 14.5 points, every single point I had left for the day. It really got me thinking. I've always loved that meal. I've also always had about triple the crackers with it and then something afterwards. It also got me thinking how very important it is for us to choose the filling foods over the not filling foods most times. It was OK for me today, but it's definitely something I can't do on a regular basis. Sure I could have had 1 ounce of cheese leaving me 3 points for something else. It's not what I wanted. I had what I wanted.

I'm off to bed now as I'm hungry and my points are gone.

Day 13 tally
Stay OP: check
Exercise: check
Track: check

Bring on day 14. I'm ready

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Day Twelve

Today is my no rules day. I love it! Biscuits are in the oven as I type.

I was blogging on my other blog this morning and I realized that it might be perfect for day 12 here. I can't copy and paste for some ungodly reason on please just go to the following link and read today's blog.

Here's the blog <-- see it? Just click on it. It's about self confidence.

Day 12 tally
Track: You bet
Exercise: sighhh yes I'm going to

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Day Eleven

I had my weigh in this morning and it was fabulous! I got a #5 star which, drum roll if you please, makes my collection a total of 32 stars now! I hit my #160 pounds off this morning. I was happy. I was proud of myself. Yay me!

I worked really hard on exercise this week. I was almost hoping to have a paltry loss so I could say 'see, exercise doesn't help weight loss'. Damn and blast, I think I proved the opposite. I've always been quite a slow loser. I used to lose about .2 - .6 or so a week. Now, that I'm exercising, I'm losing what all the other girls lose. It feels good to know I can lose that, but damn it I hate exercise! Every stinking minute of it!

I've got a tough week coming up. I have a dinner theatre trip on Thursday and a pot luck on Sunday. Wednesday is my no rules day. I could change that to either Thursday or Sunday, but I don't want to. So, here's my plan and we'll see how well it works out for me. I'm going to enjoy my meal at the dinner theatre. I'm going to eat very low point and healthy things the other 2 meals. Same with the pot luck on Sunday. One difference on Sunday is a WW friend is bringing baked chicken. Another WW friend is bringing a WW dessert and I'll bring something point friendly. The only thing I really want that day is the homemade noodles someone is bringing. I'll figure the points for those and I should be OK. I'm going to ramp up my exercise to twice as much each day to see if that'll compensate for the 2 extra meals. Oh ya, let's just do something we hate so we can do something we love. Makes sense to me!!!

I just finished the WATP 2 mile work out. It didn't kill me. I hated it, but I'm alive. I'm off to a cocktail party in a few here. I figured the points for what I'm going to eat. I'm taking my own wine glass so I know how much I'm drinking. I've got it planned and in hand.

Day 11 tally
Stay OP: check in advance
Track: check
Exercise: double check

Those bell bottoms are getting more a reality with each day. Damn I'm going to look cute in them!

Monday, January 12, 2009

Day 10

Is over.

Stayed OP.

Didn't exercise.

Did Journal.

Tomorrow is WI.


Sunday, January 11, 2009

Day Nine

Thank God it's over.

I took today off exercise. My goal is 5 days a week. Sunday and Wed off this week.

I planned my food. I didn't eat what I planned. I skipped lunch completely so when dinner came I was starving. I ate totally OP but I didn't get all my points in today. Just dumb. I wrote it down though. So....

Day 9 tally
Track food: check
Exercise: day off
Stay OP: half a check. Didn't go over points, but being under is bad too.

Day 10 has to be better right?


What is it? What motivates you? What keeps you motivated? I've been asked this several times over the last few days. I have no answer. I'm not motivated. If anything, I might be a bit driven, but I'm definitely not motivated.

I've been struggling with myself for a few days here. It's the 'oh poor me' syndrome. It's a chore to plan my food, to weigh and measure. To always think if I should have something or not. I was sitting there a few days ago realizing that I'll have to do this for the rest of my life. Anyone that thinks you can lose weight and then just go back to doing what you were doing before has another think coming. Some believe you'll lose your weight and then you'll just magically start eating the way you always should. Well, I've proved that's wrong for sure. Is it worth it? I mean really.

My day begins with me planning what I'll eat that day. I need to do this or #1 I'll eat 10000 points, and, well there is no #2 really. If I don't plan my food I'd never eat a vegetable. A fruit would never pass my lips. I'd not get my 3 milks in a day and healthy oil would end up being what I could suck off of a potato chip. So I start with that. Let's see, 6 points for the milk, 2.5 for the healthy oil, 3 for fruit. That leaves 12.5 points for the whole day's food. Holy shit Batman that takes some creative planning to actually get some food in with those points! We're talking 3 meals here try coming up with 3 meals for 12.5 points!!!! Oh wait, don't forget we hate veggies!! We have to gag those down. By the time I finish figuring out what I can eat I need a damn nap!

If I go somewhere I am at constant war with myself. I always want what I see. Ohhhh popcorn, yes please! Mmmmm donuts, I'll take one of those sir. Bread stick with your soup and salad? Oh for shizzle...bring me 3 if you would! It's always on my mind and my mind is getting tired. I go to Mah Jongg on Friday and Mary has a bowl of my favorite candy there. I might not be hungry, but I always want that candy. I didn't go to Bunco on Friday night as I knew there would be cookies and I just wasn't sure I could handle it. I skipped coffee hour on Monday as I didn't think I could pass up the donut. I'm telling you this has got to ease up or I'm going to go insane. NO comments there, and you know who you are!

I've decided I wish to be rich. I want a personal trainer and a personal chef. I want to tell someone 'OK Pierre, I get 24 points a day, feed me like a princess'. My personal trainer would know I would like some aerobics, some strength training, and he'd talk to me and make it fun while I did it. I would just love someone else to take over my meal planning and food preparation for a week. I wonder then if it would leave my mind a bit? I see no way around this either so it gets a bit overwhelming at times.

I didn't want this to be doom and gloom. I just wanted to get it off my chest. You see, I might not be motivated, but I'm still doing this. I don't know how. I don't know why, but I am. I am just plodding on day by day. Holding on by the tips of my fingers at times. Some days are easier than others. The last 2 have been really hard for me.

I plan to ponder on the silver lining today. I'm sure I'll find one. I always do. In the meantime, I'll not give up today. I guess sometimes that's the best we can do. Hold on for one day. Do whatever it takes to get through this one day, this one hour and then go on from there.

Saturday, January 10, 2009

Day Eight (not Day ATE!)

What a day today was! I faced lots of challenges and I came through smelling like a rose!

Got out of bed and did my WATP dvd and then went for a walk. Came back, showered and settled down for my morning coffee. Felt good to have the exercise all out of the way before coffee. I started to plan my food. Ran into a wall as I needed to shop today. I'd planned a crock pot meal for tonight, but the stuff I needed for the meal I had to still get from the store. Doh. Back to the drawing board!

Went to town and had a lovely lunch at Olive Garden. It's my new favorite restaurant of all time. I love it on No Rules days for all the gooey, rich dishes. I love it on my OP days for the healthy things they have. Today was soup and salad, skip the bread sticks if you please. I can have them of course, I chose not to. I had 2 bowls of minestrone soup. We sat there chatting and eating for over an hour and a half. That's my kind of lunch! Very relaxing and enjoyable. I didn't eat the salad. Brought that home for my dinner. Damn it, just realized typing this I forgot to eat my salad at dinner. No wonder I was still hungry!

We went to Wal-Mart after that. Good grief Wally World on Saturday here is like a trip to Mexico without the water problems! I think I might have been the only American in the place. I wandered through the store and enjoyed it a lot. I had a mini panic attack when I realized I was in the candy aisle and it all was shouting to me at once. I backed slowly out of there and nobody got hurt. I loaded up with good stuff to make more good stuff at home. Not one unhealthy thing made its way into my basket. I felt really good about that.

I was really hungry on the way home. It was now 5:30 and I'd no plans for dinner at all. Got home, took care of the groceries and went for a golf cart ride with a can of Cherry Coke Zero as a treat. That was lovely. Came back and sat down to plan my meal. I came up with a plan and then sprang into action!

I had chicken out so thought I'd start with that. I cooked that up on a grill pan. Let that rest while I heated up some refried beans in a pan. I mixed some enchilada sauce with some fat free sour cream. I stirred half of that into the beans. When it was hot I put it in a shallow dish and topped it with 1/4 cup of shredded low fat cheese. I cut the chicken into bite sized pieces and tossed it with the other 1/2 of the sauce mix. Put that on top of the cheese and ate it with fat free tortilla chips and 1&1/4 cups of wine. It was good. Quite high point though and not very filling. The chicken stuff was 11 and the wine was 4. I was hungry soon after I finished eating. I meant to have my salad with it and I just forgot until just now. I hadn't eaten all my oatmeal from breakfast so I finished that and it will just have to do. My points are all gone for today. I usually make sure to have a few left over, but not today. I just have to learn when the points are gone I'm done eating. Thank goodness it's 9PM!

Day 8 tally:
Stay OP: check
Exercise: check
Journal: check

Tomorrow I promise to plan ALL my food in the morning!

I wonder why?

I got out of bed this morning and threw on my work out clothes. I did my WATP and then went for a short walk. Yay me. Freaking hate it, but I did it. I enjoyed the walk as it let my mind wander.

I wonder why I'm getting my act together now, at age 50? I'm not doing it for health. It's pure vanity. So why now? Why is it working now when it didn't for the last 40 years?

Let me sprinkle a bit of pixie dust on you and take you for a ride here. Poof...sprinkle...sprinkle. There ya go. Let's roll.

I'm 4 years old and cute as a freaking button. I'm a tiny little thing. Adorable curls, petite features...Daddy's little pride and joy.

I'm 6 years old. I'm in 1st grade at the Catholic school. I'm now fat. I have no idea why I went from being petite to being plump, but I did. I just got bigger from there. Even Sister Pauline's beatings didn't take the fat off. Man she was a bitch.

I'm in 8th grade now. I'm not fat anymore, I'm obese now. This is the time we became aware of boys, but of course they'd not give me a second look. I needed to lose 50 pounds in the 8th grade. It's such a vivid memory to me. It seemed like such a big endeavor. I didn't know how to do it and my Mom, bless her, didn't know how to help me. Another fat girl in my class, Janice Dewitt, betrayed me. We were always fat together but she came back from the summer between 7th and 8th grade a skinny Minny. Looking back, I should have asked her what she did. I was 12 years old. I just didn't think of it. I wanted to be skinny so bad but it was just too big a task to tackle. God what I'd give to have figured out how to lose those 50 pounds back then before more piled on. I wonder why I didn't?

I'm in high school now. I weigh more than my Dad. I can't wear the cute clothes all the other girls wear. After 8 years in a Catholic school wearing uniforms, that's what I wanted the most. I wanted hip hugger bell bottom blue jeans so bad I could taste it. I wanted to fit in. I wanted to be accepted. I wanted a boy! I just didn't know how to get it. I never had a date in high school. I never got asked to dance at any of the dances. I went to my senior prom with my sister in laws brother. It was a mercy date. I wanted to lose weight before college. I wonder why I didn't?

I'm in college now. I'm probably close to 300 pounds. I just don't remember. I loved cafeteria food! Boys? Nah. Damn. I still want the cute clothes, I still want the boy, I just want to be accepted. I try to exercise but I really don't know how. I try to eat right, but again, I really don't know how. Young and stupid I guess. I know that 50 pounds I needed to lose in the 8th grade seemed like nothing now! I want to lose weight. I wonder why I didn't?

I was never depressed. I just realized that what I'm saying here makes it seem like I had a miserable childhood. I didn't. I was loved. I had great friends. In fact, I've still got the friends I had in 3rd grade. How cool is that? We might only talk a few times a year but she is still my best friend in the whole wide world. I just didn't have the thing I wanted most. A boyfriend. OK, a boyfriend and bell bottom blue jeans!

I'm now 18 years old. I had my first date the summer between my freshman and sophomore year of college. He asked me to dance to my favorite song of all times. It was fate. We were married in April of 1978. I was 19 years old. I joined Weight Watchers a few months before that for the first time. I wonder why it didn't work then?

It's now 1982. I'm pregnant with my 3rd child. I weigh so much the doctor's scales don't go that high. They 'only' went to 300. My mom died this year. I have 2 sons ages 1 & 2 and one on the way and I am morbidly obese. I not only wanted to lose weight, I needed to. I wonder why I didn't?

Well, on my walk this morning I had an epiphany. While wondering why I didn't ever lose the weight all those times before, it came to me that maybe it just wasn't my time. Had I lost the weight in 8th grade, I'm sure I'd have had a date in high school. I might have married that boy. I'd not have the husband I've had for 30 years then. I'd not have the 3 sons I have now. I'd not have the 2 grandsons I have now. I'd not be waiting for my first granddaughter to be born in March like I am now. I'd have never moved to Houghton Lake. I'd have never met the friends I have there. I'd have never had a daycare for several years. I'd have never been on the Internet at the exact moment that I was when I met so many wonderful friends. The list just goes on. I believe that everything has a reason. The past is the past and I can't change it. I can work toward the future though.

I have a pair of bell bottom blue jeans hanging in my closet. They've got pink embroidered butterflies and flowers down the leg. Maybe had I got them in the 8th grade I just wouldn't appreciate them as much as I will now. I know I can't wait until I can squeeze my fat ass in them. I'm looking forward to it. I'm not looking behind as I can't change that. Bring on the future!

I'm excited about the future. I wonder why?

Friday, January 9, 2009

Recipes from Day Seven & 1/2

Want to share two things I did today that were yummy.

I need 3 milks a day. I wanted comfort tonight. I took 2 cups of skim milk and added 3 servings of Nestle Carb Select hot cocoa mix and some cinnamon and heated it on the stove. Very yummy for 5 points. For some reason if you drink 2 cups of milk at a time it's 3.5 points instead of 4. Works for me!

1 pkg cook and serve pudding (it only comes in chocolate and vanilla)
1 pkg sugar free jello
1 cup fruit
2 cups cold water (if you put the pudding into hot water it'll lump and won't work)
splenda to taste

Whisk the pudding into the COLD water. Add the jello. Heat until boiling. Add splenda to taste to the fruit. Add the fruit to the hot mixture. Cool. I top it with fat free reddi whip. The whole batch is 3 points. If you divide it into two it's only 1 point each and they're large servings.

some combos I'm going to try
chocolate pudding with raspberry jello and raspberries
vanilla pudding with strawberry jello and strawberries
I'm going to try vanilla pudding, lemon jello, mandarin oranges.
I had today vanilla pudding, raspberry jello, raspberries as I didn't have choc pudding.

Day Seven

Was a bit of a challenge.

For the first time since I started this I didn't plan my meals. Dinner time came and I was starving to death. I had lots of points to work with but nothing out of the freezer. We've got a tiny kitchen here and I was second to use it tonight. My friend was making salmon patties that smelled divine! By the time he was done I was ready to eat the wall paper. While I was waiting for my turn in the kitchen I was looking at restaurant points. I thought maybe I'd go to DQ and get a burger and fries. Then Taco Bell sounded good...had enough for Nachos supreme and some pintos and cheese. KFC was a chicken breast for 9 points and taters and gravy for 2.5 and then some green beans for one point. I think I looked up something from every single restaurant in town! I finally decided I'd rather have a lot of smaller point things than 2 big ones. I had a Healthy Choice meal in the freezer. It was 5 points. It sucked. It filled a hole, however, and left me with a lot of points still. I wanted something soothing. I had a rough day. I took 2 cups of milk and some of my hot coco mix and cinnamon and made some awesome hot cocoa for only 4.5 points. Yum. I still have 6 points left. Not sure how I'm going to spend them but it'll be a lot more fun than if I'd gone to DQ and used them all up there!!!

I went for a walk this morning. It was lovely actually. I walked on the nature trail. Didn't get bitten by a snake or a gator so that was a good thing! I meant to do something else later but the day got away from me. Guess it's 30 minutes total for me today.

So, Day Seven tally
Stay OP: check
Exercise: check
track food: check

tomorrow I'll make sure to plan ahead!

Thursday, January 8, 2009

Day Six

Oh what a glorious day!!!

I woke up, the day after my NRD, jazzed and ready to get back OP. What a wonderful feeling that was. It was cool last night and I was all snugly and warm in my bed and I just lay there and thought before leaping out to start the day. I decided to start with a WATP dvd. I just didn't want to go out for a walk or ride my bike. I got right up, tossed on my stuff and warmed up the dvd player. I did my one mile walk and realized it only takes about 21 minutes. I wanted more than that so I went out for a walk to pad out the session. Came back from that and did my stretches, took a shower, and then had my coffee. What a way to start the day. Exercise all done. Any more I do is all gravy. Love that feeling of accomplishment!

I've got my menu semi planned for the day and I'm about to enjoy a day alone. Papa will be going to bed in an hour and the Brit is out golfing. I'll have the house to myself for a few hours! Oh what luxury!!!!

It's good to be me today!
Day Six tally:
Track: check
Exercise: check
Stay OP: Oh ya, no way I'll stray today, Jay!

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Day Four & Five

Well good morning campers! Yes, it's now day 5, what I lovingly refer to as my 'no rules' day. I live for this day. I don't use my FP's during the week and I don't use my AP's either. I take one day a week and eat what I want. I don't track. I don't exercise. I don't plan. Come what may. I just love the freedom this gives me. I know it doesn't work for everyone of course. If a craving hits me during the week, I have success telling myself I'll have it on my NRD. Rich and creamy mac and cheese? You bet. Anything goes on my NRD. That is today. Whoooopiiiieee!

Day Four dawned clear and lovely. My WW meeting is at 9am. Doors open at 8:30 so of course, we must arrive at 8:20. I go with a group of women from the park and we take turns driving. We knew it would be busy yesterday being the first meeting after the new year. Man were we right! Tons of newbies.

I was nervous but optimistic as I waited in line. After my disgusting performance in 2008, I did NOT want to begin 2009 with a gain. I didn't go back OP until Saturday. I'd planned Friday, but you know how that goes. I didn't care how much I lost as long as there was a - in front of whatever she wrote. I got up on the scale and watched her write. She wrote a - !!!! I was elated. I lost a bit more than .2 also! Yay me!!

You notice I didn't say what I lost. I've had a bit of problem around the homestead with sharing my weight loss. You see, some weeks it's a huge struggle for me to lose .2. I might eat totally OP, I might exercise each day and think I'm going to have a huge loss. I hop on the scale and that bitch says -.2 or sometimes a gain and I'm just gut punched. It's not fair. I work hard, I deserve results. By the time I get home, I've calmed down. I realize that any loss is a good loss and I did the best I could. I'm resigned. I have weeks where no matter what I do, the results just aren't going to be pretty. I'm thrilled to death that I stayed OP all week, that I exercised, that I did what I should. I have a huge sense of accomplishment that I have succeeded for another week. I mean do you even know how hard it is to know you're doing everything right on a certain week and know you'll probably stay the same or gain? It sucks. I get home and excitedly tell what I did and I get a very unimpressive 'oh'. Or even worse, 'that's too bad'. No, a loss is a loss. Period. I shouldn't have to quantify it. It's not going over well, my not sharing. I was told that I should, because if I don't, how do they know how big the reaction should be. Nooooooooo that's exactly the point. The reaction or congratulations to my hard work and my loss shouldn't be contingent on how much I lost. I lost. Plain and simple. So now I get nothing. I say 'oh I did good', and I don't even get a 'yay you'. I can live with that too. It's better than the alternative for sure! I will be my own cheering section.


So, Day Four tally:
Stay OP: Check
Track: Check
Exercise: Check

I'm on a roll.

I'm now off to enjoy my day of no rules. Starting with a pot of coffee and ending who knows where? I will promise you one thing. I will be back tomorrow with Day Six and 3 checks for sure!

Monday, January 5, 2009

Day Three

Day Three found me not feeling 100%. I had a crap night. I didn't sleep well, and when I was awake, my tummy felt dicky.

I thought I'd take it easy today. I started a book yesterday that I've been waiting for since October. I read half of it. I thought perhaps I'd read the other half today and take a day off exercising. I'd plan my food around my sensitive tum.

I should learn not to think.

I brought up my points tracker on e-tools and started to plan my food. Oatmeal for breakfast sounded soothing. Tomato soup for lunch. Rice with V-8 for dinner. I do adore that. Yogurt would get my milks in and I figured I'd work on the fruit and veg later.

As I drank my coffee and surfed, I started to feel a bit better. Still had the oatmeal for breakfast as I love that. I make it with milk instead of water to get one of my milks in and it just plain tastes better I think. I use lots of cinnamon and fresh ground nutmeg and a dried fruit blend with cherries and blueberries in it. I know I could have fresh fruit for a lot more bulk, but I just love that dried fruit blend in my oatsies so that's what I have. Breakfast ends up being one of my milks, one of my fruits, and whole grain. Great start to any day.

I decided I felt fine to exercise today so I went for a 5.3 mile bike ride. Took me 35 minutes. Ass is numb, but I feel good. I intend to do something else later. Swimming perhaps after afternoon cards.

I'm off to re-plan my dinner now. I'm thinking some kind of spicy turkey curry over a ho cake. Whatever it ends up being, it'll be within my points, contain the fruits and veg I need, and be damned tasty! I still eat for pleasure. My food has to taste good or I just don't eat it.

Day Three Tally
Journal food: Check
Exercise 30-60 minutes: Check
Stay OP: Check in advance. Not a prob Bob!

Sunday, January 4, 2009

Day Two

Well, I updated my spread sheet. Drum roll please! I had a grand gain in 2008 of 26.4 pounds. What the freaking kind of fool am I? Ah well, it's done. No use crying over pooled fat.

I've made a short term goal for myself. A loss of 6.2 pounds. That will take me (back) to 160 pounds off. A few short months ago I was striving to hit my 190 off. DUMB! DUMB! DUMB!

I'm not one to dwell on things (yea right) so I'm moving on. I did it before, and I can do it again. It's difficult re-losing weight. Just want to be where you once were and aren't now. It's not like losing it the first time. The first time it was new and different...this time it's just doing the same freaking old thing over again. So, I'm trying to think of it as new. Hence, the short term goal.

I'm striving to hit my 160 pounds off. Period.

I'll get another star then too. If you don't belong to Weight Watchers, you might not know about the stars. For each 5 pounds you lose, you get a star sticker to put on a cardboard bookmark they give you at week 2. Years ago when I was amassing my stars, they were cloth. They've since fallen off and I've lost most of them. Two weeks ago, my WW leader gave me a new bookmark and 31 stars. I only asked for 31 as that's where my weight was then. I thought it would be much better to earn them as I go again. More incentive. So, -6.2 is the magic number I'm shooting for first.

Today I'll be doing my WATP DVD and one other exercise activity not planned yet. I've planned my food for the day and I know I'll not waver.

So, even though it's the beginning of the day.

Journal food. Check
Exercise. Check
Stay OP. Check

As my good friend Rosanna says, 'Let it be written, let it be done'.

So it shall be!

Saturday, January 3, 2009

Day One

So, yesterday was supposed to be day one, but shit happens. What can I say? Today now, instead of day two, became day one. Day one of what, you might ask. Well, even if you didn't ask, I'm going to tell you.

As I've told you, enough is enough. It's time to get some of this fat back off my frame. I printed off the 'My new year, new resolve challenge commitment' form from the WW site.

It asked me to fill in the blanks for ''My goal over the next four weeks of this challenge is to:'

So I did. I wrote this:
1. Track every day
2. Stay OP 6 days a week
3. Exercise 5 days a week for 30-60 minutes each day

It asked us to write 10 reasons to work toward this goal. I did that.

Today I got out of bed and put on my exercise stuff and went right out for a 30 minute walk before my coffee. I thought I'd go 20, but then thought better. If I only went 20, it would leave me 40 more to do later. Would I really do that? Nah. So, 30 I went. Felt good. OK, so it felt like shit but I did it anyway. I just got back from a 30 minute bike ride.

Day one.
Track my food. Check
Exercise 30-60 minutes. Check
Stay OP. Check.

One down, 27 more to go.

Thursday, January 1, 2009

It's time

It's 2009 now and I intend this to be my year. I do NOT intend to end 2009 with a gain.

My clothes are getting so tight I feel like a sausage in a casing that's a bit too small. I plan to begin fixing that situation starting first thing in the morning.

Next Tuesday is my first WI of the new year and I'm hoping with all my hoping cells that it'll be a loss for me.

I plan to begin tomorrow with a healthy, filling breakfast of oatmeal and get some exercise in also.

I'm off to eat my lemon meringue pie and drink some coffee now and ponder tomorrow!