Motivation

What is it? What motivates you? What keeps you motivated? I've been asked this several times over the last few days. I have no answer. I'm not motivated. If anything, I might be a bit driven, but I'm definitely not motivated.

I've been struggling with myself for a few days here. It's the 'oh poor me' syndrome. It's a chore to plan my food, to weigh and measure. To always think if I should have something or not. I was sitting there a few days ago realizing that I'll have to do this for the rest of my life. Anyone that thinks you can lose weight and then just go back to doing what you were doing before has another think coming. Some believe you'll lose your weight and then you'll just magically start eating the way you always should. Well, I've proved that's wrong for sure. Is it worth it? I mean really.

My day begins with me planning what I'll eat that day. I need to do this or #1 I'll eat 10000 points, and, well there is no #2 really. If I don't plan my food I'd never eat a vegetable. A fruit would never pass my lips. I'd not get my 3 milks in a day and healthy oil would end up being what I could suck off of a potato chip. So I start with that. Let's see, 6 points for the milk, 2.5 for the healthy oil, 3 for fruit. That leaves 12.5 points for the whole day's food. Holy shit Batman that takes some creative planning to actually get some food in with those points! We're talking 3 meals here folks....you try coming up with 3 meals for 12.5 points!!!! Oh wait, don't forget we hate veggies!! We have to gag those down. By the time I finish figuring out what I can eat I need a damn nap!

If I go somewhere I am at constant war with myself. I always want what I see. Ohhhh popcorn, yes please! Mmmmm donuts, I'll take one of those sir. Bread stick with your soup and salad? Oh for shizzle...bring me 3 if you would! It's always on my mind and my mind is getting tired. I go to Mah Jongg on Friday and Mary has a bowl of my favorite candy there. I might not be hungry, but I always want that candy. I didn't go to Bunco on Friday night as I knew there would be cookies and I just wasn't sure I could handle it. I skipped coffee hour on Monday as I didn't think I could pass up the donut. I'm telling you this has got to ease up or I'm going to go insane. NO comments there, and you know who you are!

I've decided I wish to be rich. I want a personal trainer and a personal chef. I want to tell someone 'OK Pierre, I get 24 points a day, feed me like a princess'. My personal trainer would know I would like some aerobics, some strength training, and he'd talk to me and make it fun while I did it. I would just love someone else to take over my meal planning and food preparation for a week. I wonder then if it would leave my mind a bit? I see no way around this either so it gets a bit overwhelming at times.

I didn't want this to be doom and gloom. I just wanted to get it off my chest. You see, I might not be motivated, but I'm still doing this. I don't know how. I don't know why, but I am. I am just plodding on day by day. Holding on by the tips of my fingers at times. Some days are easier than others. The last 2 have been really hard for me.

I plan to ponder on the silver lining today. I'm sure I'll find one. I always do. In the meantime, I'll not give up today. I guess sometimes that's the best we can do. Hold on for one day. Do whatever it takes to get through this one day, this one hour and then go on from there.