Thursday, May 27, 2010
The line that I've been on this side of for months and months now. The line behind which I have felt it's OK to overeat. Nay, gorge is a better choice of words.
My fat wobbles when I walk. My cheeks bounce with movement. All 4 of them.
I had to buy bigger clothes.
They don't fit either.
I've never been one to say 'Monday' I'll start a diet.
I thought I'd try something new!
Monday peeps....stay tuned for the plan. Stay patient too. None of this 'oh start right now' crap. I want time to plan, to prepare my mind. Monday it is.
Friday, May 21, 2010
It's about something that is near and dear to my heart. About something that might give you more insight into who I am. A part of me.
Because I'm lazy, instead of just copying and pasting my other blog here...I'll just put the little linky poo here and you can click on it and go read it over at my Pixie's Pondering blog.
I used to love blogging over there....ranting sometimes, lamenting sometimes...just typing what I was feeling. I got so wrapped up in my Weight Watchers blog, I just let that one slip by the wayside. It really is a window into me though...so I do want to try to express myself over there a bit more often!
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Yesterday morning found me naked, in my bathroom, tappy tappy, jump on....read 00.0 and didn't change! Did it 4 times. Finally noticed a broken wire on the rear right 'leg'. I'm going to borrow a precision screwdriver set today and take it apart and see if I can fix it. Ya, I'm actually handy like that!
If not, it will be next Wednesday morning in Michigan before I can weigh myself. There is a big scale at Publix, but they get upset when I shuck all my clothes off and hop on. Go figure.
It is in my mind though...that's a good thing right?
I'm eating regular meals, haven't snacked hardly at all.
Ice cream did fall into my shopping cart at Sweet Bay the other day though....damn I hate when that happens. I swear...it's like a kamikaze leap from the freezer to my cart! It's still unopened in my freezer....another good thing.
We leave here Sunday for our trip back to MI. Going 500 miles the first day, 500 the second, and 350 the last.
The thought of what I have to do this summer in MI is overwhelming. Takes my breath away actually...all while working full time! I tell myself to breathe...take it one room at a time...one garden outside at a time....and use the hell out of my son when I can bribe him to come to the lake! Hey, I took care of him for 18 years....his turn now!
Just checking in. Love, love, love, love, love, my new home here. Oh!!! Did I mention I love my new home here????
Over and out.
Sunday, May 16, 2010
Yep, it's just a TV show...but I really like it.
I know it gets a bad rap, and to be honest, there are things about the show I do not like. I don't like the extreme exercise they do. I don't like the huge chunks of weight they drop. I don't like the game play. AT ALL. I hate the 'voting someone off' part. I don't like that it's a game.
I love the rawness of the show. I have enjoyed the last 2 or 3 episodes more than any before as I've watched them all by myself. I was able to take it all in, respond emotionally the way I want without someone else watching me. I'm very emotional, but I don't like showing it. I listen to what some of them say and it's so me. I feel the pain. I feel the hurt. I've been there. I am there. I can identify with almost every one of them. Even the ones I don't like very much!
I listened last week to a number of them saying they were not happy. They smiled on the outside, but cried on the inside. I am so them. When someone makes a crack about my weight, a little bit of me dies. I just don't understand why people think it's OK. It's not OK to call the one legged woman at Wal-Mart 'Peg' and laugh, and it's not OK to make a crack about me just because I'm fat. I don't appreciate hearing 'tidal wave' when I'm about to enter the pool. I don't appreciate the comment 'better get in the food line before Debby', and I really don't appreciate hearing on the dance floor, 'oh wow, watch out that thing is swinging my way'. Fat people have feelings. At least I do. I'm tired of smiling and taking it. I won't do it again. If you make a comment about my weight, you better be prepared for the backlash. I'm sure you're not perfect. Would you like me to point out your imperfections? I didn't think so. Shut the fuck up then.
Back to the show. There is a young man on the show that I desperately wanted to be in the final 4. I wanted him to succeed. I wanted him to change his life. I didn't do it, but I want him to. I want him to go to college a thin man and have everything that goes with that status. It's no fun being the fat one...I want him to be the average one and start a new life while he can.
Would I go back to my very young (and I do mean VERY young. I was 5 years old in the 1st grade and I was fat then) age and lose the 10 pounds before it became 200+? No. Does this shock you? After me telling you the pain I feel about my obesity today? Let me explain. I wouldn't go back and change things because it would change who and what I am today. You can't change the past without changing the present. There are too many things about my life right now that I wouldn't be willing to give up...even for thinness.
There is nothing to prevent me from changing my future though.
I am learning a lot about myself this year. I plan on putting this knowledge to good use.
When you hurt me I cry real tears. Who knew?
Maybe I should quit covering them up with laughs. What if I cried when some adult made a nasty comment to me instead of laughing? Would they then realize how their juvenile comments cut? Yes, I think a bit of honesty is in order.
Look out world, I swear to tell the truth....
Saturday, May 15, 2010
Have I mentioned we got a new home here? Probably, but just in case. Here's what we've been doing.
We got the keys to our new home a week ago Friday. We moved boxes of things in between Den going to work and sleeping to go to work. He'd sleep, I'd bring boxes over.
Monday, before he went to work at 3, friends helped us bring our bed over and our chairs. While Den was at work I got the bedroom ready and we slept here for the first time. That night, after I was finished working for the day, I sat in my recliner and experienced pure peace and joy. It's just awesome here. Oh it needs work, but I love it.
So, still unpacking, of course. Getting the other house ready to sell and shut up for the summer. Been working our asses off!
Had a pot luck last night and a pool party today and guests over for cake and coffee this evening.
My son came on Tuesday and helped bring things over all day long. If it was heavy, he hefted it! We had friends over that night for our first official dinner in the new place. Awesome.
I've been going non stop from the time I get up until the time I go to bed.
Three little letters I thought I'd never type again... TOM. OMG, let us just sit here and ponder the implications of this shall we? I took my last birth control pill last June. Nothing since. When I had my yearly in August, doc ran blood tests. She figured I'd gone through menopause and didn't know it being on the pill and all. Tests came back post menopausal. That's it. Done with. Finis. Or so I thought. Holy crap does the magnitude of this even penetrate? I'm not a happy Pooh for sure!
I've not read any blogs....I miss that!
I haven't seen my favorite TV shows. I miss that too.
I've got a beautiful new home and have taken care of tons of stuff...one more week and we head back to MI! Hate to leave my new home, but when we come back, THIS will BE our new home. Not going back to MI next summer. Hope the house sells quickly!!!
Tomorrow is Sunday. We deserve a day of rest. Swimming pool here we come!
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Not like I don't have anything on my mind or anything! Couple of houses and a 5th wheel and truck that HAVE to sell....nevermind...what's on my mind doesn't pertain really to this blog.
I gathered up all my magazines last week and stacked them on the table to sort them into date order. I'm a bit behind on reading them. I probably have at least 150 to read! Yes, my name is Debby and I have an addiction to magazines. Some go back a few years...I'd get them and there they sit. I love to read magazines, I just never do.
So, I was sitting here drinking my coffee and reading a magazine(yay!) this morn...after weighing myself and finding myself UP again. Yes, 228 this morning. What the hell kind of idiot am I? Ah well...a good one I guess! I was reading "Shape" magazine....lots of tips for eating and exercise. Ya, if I'm not going to DO it I might as well read about it eh?
Of course it talked about tracking and planning and and and. I know the drill. I've been there and done that, just like a lot of you. So, what the hell am I waiting for??? Not a damn thing.
I decided that I can track without changing one little thing. I don't have to quit eating the 58 cookies, I just have to write it down when I do it. Ya, I can do that. So, I got out the WW tracker book as that would be perfect...little lines and everything you know?
I was holding that little book and of course there are boxes for fruit/veg, milk, oil, water, etc....hmmmmmm maybe I could plan my food ahead, and TRY to get that stuff in? Why not...I mean it doesn't mean I have to give anything up, if anything, it's adding things. Adding is good.
My great friend Ian, at risk of life and limb, made a suggestion to me the other day. It might surprise you to find I do NOT take criticism well. I don't take it at all in fact. I get all embarrassed and pissed off at the same time. THAT pisses me off as we should all be able to take constructive criticism for goodness sakes! I usually consider myself far above the hander outer of the criticism also. If you're going to give me diet tips, pffft I know more than you. If you want to talk to me about cooking, stuff it, I definitely know more than you. How to play a game? Hell I wrote the rules...catching the drift here? I'm a stubborn old bitch plain and simple. I don't mind suggestions when they come in conversation...just hate when someone says YOU NEED TO DO THIS! Most of the time I know I should be doing THIS, I just f'ing don't want to! Crap, I digressed....AGAIN!
So, Ian says....'maybe you should plan times to eat'. Sounds simple eh? Now, Ian lives here 6 months of the year. He sees exactly how I eat, what I eat, and also, what I don't eat. He knows that I love my life of doing things spur of the moment. Want to play golf? Sure, let's go. Oh, shall we go to the pool? Why, of course we shall! It's an awesome life, it really is. It's hell on my diet. Ian sees that. I'll sit here and play on the laptop and drink coffee for 2-3 hours in the morning and then it's ohhhhhh gotta get to Mah Jongg at 12:15....haven't had breakfast...shit. I'll just grab 3 cookies and a hunk of cheese and eat it on the golf cart. Get home from MJ at 3:30...freaking starving but it's too close to dinner to eat a lunch. I'll just have this bag of chips and a few more cookies...oh wouldn't a bowl of ice cream be nice as it's hot outside??? This fills me up for an hour or so...but damn, I have to be to cards at 5:30...no time to fix & eat dinner now. Get home from cards around 8:30 and I want to eat the paneling. Don't want to cook now of course, it's too late. I'll start with a bowl of cereal and that of course doesn't cut it...then just slowly move on to whatever is at hand. Yes, Ian sees, and he had a solution. Plan times to eat.
If I plan my day around what I like to do, how hard could it be to plan times to eat also. If I KNOW I'm going to go to Mah Jongg at 12:15, then I NEED to eat lunch by 11:30. Simple? Sure. If I NEED to eat lunch at 11:30, then I should have breakfast before that. Wow, what a concept!!! I think he's on to something!!! I could actually do this...yes, I could.
So, today, no time like the present you know, I have decided to take the bull by the horns. No, Ian is safe, I'm the bull. Bull headed and stubborn and that has to change.
I worked all day yesterday in the new house. I prepared my first meal there, and ate it. It even had a veg in it! I'm going to have a plan for today as it's working over there again...all day, all by myself. This is Den's long work day. He gets home at 8am and goes right to bed as he has to be back to work at 3pm. So, I'm on my own today.
I got up at 4:30 and by 6 I had a plan. I'm going to do it today. I'm not thinking about tomorrow until tomorrow. Today I can do this.
Breakfast 6:30am. Hard boiled egg, whole wheat toast, apple. I had it. I don't like apples. I ate it anyway. I can't get fruit and veg in unless I actually eat it. Doh.
Mass...we leave at 9am. My excellent friend Mary K. and I go together each Sunday. I love this time with her. It's nice to be able to share your faith with someone. She keeps me grounded. She also has some great ideas. We're going to the store after Mass so we won't get home until about 11:30....that egg and toast isn't going to keep me satisfied from 6:30 until noon when I've planned lunch...so I planned to have a yogurt and almonds at 8:30...top off the tank, you know? So, here's my plan for today. I'll let you know how it worked out for me.
6:30 breakfast of toast, egg, apple. Done.
8:30 yogurt and almonds
9am, leave for mass
11:30 return from Mass
12:00 eat lunch. Salad with chicken breast, dried cherries, lettuce, red peppers, cukes, carrots, almonds, and some kind of red, low fat dressing I'll get at the store.
1:00 start working at the house
6:45 quit working!!
7:00 hamburger pot pie, cottage cheese, cucumbers and onions in vinegar.
8:00 watch Amazing Race.
9:00 whole wheat toast, peanut butter, milk.
That's my plan for today and I'm sticking with it.
Friday, May 7, 2010
I've been thinking a lot lately about why I do things. My friend Mary wrote a blog that is making me think more. I'm going to quote her here.
Sometimes I feel that in taking charge, I have finally woken up to MY life.
I could go on and think, "What was I doing before this?" but then I am grateful and happy that I am taking charge now. And that is all that really matters.
Wow. I thought that was heavy.
Why you might ask? It might just be a simple statement to you, but it has opened up a whole bunch of thoughts for me.
Let's take a little trip into my brain shall we? I know, it's scary. Buckle up Buttercup, it's going to be the ride of your life! No, not really...but let's begin shall we?
Let's go back to the beginning of my weight loss.
I was, as I've said, the fattest person in all my schools. Maybe even college...most probably.
I left college after the first semester of my second year and got married. I've never regretted that for one minute. I've never thought 'oh I should have finished'. I've never felt uncompleted. I was 19 years old when I got married and it's really all I ever wanted in life. I wanted to be a wife and mother. Ya, I know, not the typical feminist of the 70's!
I married a man that loved me as I was. I don't know what I weighed that day in 1978 when I got married, I do know it was a lot. We married in April and I got pregnant in August. Yes, we did it the right way round. So many people figure I got married at 19 because I 'had to'. During that pregnancy, I got too fat to be weighed on the doctors scale. Imagine that...too fat for the doctors scale. It 'only' went to 300 pounds. They were cruel about it too. Did that help? Nope. I dieted in between kids of course, gaining more and not losing. Three babies later, fast forward 13 years or so, and I weigh 368 pounds.
I have huge admiration for people that weigh huge amounts like that and just decide to diet and exercise and lose the weight. Unless you have over 200 pounds to lose, you can't know how insurmountable that seems.
I wasn't one of those people. I chose to have my stomach stapled. Not the gastric bypass of today, old fashioned, staple half your stomach off with 3 rows of metal staples, stapled.
I lost 4o pounds the first month and thought I was on my way to my new life. I started gaining right after that. 5 pounds one week, 5 pounds the next, 5 the week after. Within just a few months, that 40 pounds I lost was back, with some friends.
I went on to lose 170 pounds with Weight Watchers. I did not lose 170 pounds because of having my stomach stapled. That failed.
Here comes the thinking, the window into my brain if you will. I was laying in bed this morning and the thought occurred to me that since people have never believed that the stomach stapling didn't work for me, perhaps I keep gaining weight is to show them. Talk about heavy.
One more thought, and then that's enough for today. My brain hurts.
I am defined by my weight loss. When I go to a Weight Watchers meeting, the leader will inevitably ask me to share with the class how much I've lost. That was who I was in the past. It's not who I am now. Now I'm struggling.
I think I use the 'I lost X amount of pounds' as a crutch. I've gained 30 pounds in the last few months, BUT I've lost (frick now I have to do math in my head here!!!) 140 pounds. It sounds a lot better to say I've lost 140 pounds than to say I've gained 30. I love the support I get at the WW meetings....I really need/want to go back but I just can't afford it. I've always wanted to get back so I could be the 'I've lost X amount of pounds' girl. I don't want that anymore. I don't need the crutch of losing all that to lose the rest. I want to be the 'I need to lose 30 pounds' girl. I want to be cheered if I lose 1/2 a pound. See, right now, no matter what I lose it's no big deal. I mean I've already lost 140. No! That's not fair! I struggle to lose 1/2 a pound. I deserve the adoration.
I just want to be one of the gang. I don't need to dwell on, as Mary said, what I was doing before this.
Before this is the past. I can't do anything about the past.
The future is mine. I can choose to change my future and not relive my past.
The choice is mine.
It is yours too.
Thursday, May 6, 2010
OK, so there seems to be a tornado whipping through the Pixiers mind right now. Por quoi you might ask? Probably not...more likely you're saying 'what now?'!
Oh do let me share.
We bought a new home here. Yep, those of you that know I love my life here in my sunny winter home of Buttonwood Bay, will be thrilled for me. Those of you that don't, I'll give you a minute to absorb the enormity of this announcement (Tapping foot, rolling eyes toward ceiling, picking God knows what out of my fingernails). There, got it? Good.
I was going to put a link to the Buttonwood Bay site here for you to click on, but I went there and it's pretty much crap. It used to have a list of all the activities and amenities but I couldn't find it this time and the photo tour was crap. So, let me just tell you a bit about it.
What I do on a weekly basis:
*swim almost daily in one of our two gorgeous pools. OK, so I don't swim, I float on my noodle and chat with a myriad of friendly people. I'm a social butterfly, or a pontificating(I'm really not usually pompous, I just was going for alliteration!) pixie if you wish. Chatting is what I do best.
*I go for daily golf cart rides. Yawn you say? Never. I love riding up and down the streets and looking at all the lovely landscaping people have. Flowers that would fit right in a rain forest, and you never know what people will have in their yards. We have a nature trail and a cart path that I love traveling daily. The cart path goes next to the canal and we always see turtles and gators and birds. The nature trail is shaded and almost prehistoric looking. BIG honking foliage. There is a gator that lives in the swampy area in there too in the summer...he's a big un. I don't drive myself. Either Den or Ian drives me and I feel like a princess. I often just close my eyes and raise my face to the sun and soak up the feeling and scent of what I love best. I'm tearing up just thinking about how much I love my cart rides.
*Monday morning bright and early is coffee hour. Oh yes, we must have coffee and a donut while we find out all the news and what's going on in the park for the coming week. During the winter we have guest speakers that sometimes are full of information, and sometimes a snore. Hey, we get a free donut...snore on! When I'm being good, I take a Fiber One bar to coffee hour. When I'm bad, I'm very bad.
*We have bocce ball, shuffle board, horseshoes and baseball here. We have line dancing, ballroom dancing, clogging, square dancing, and heaven only knows what other kind of dancing as I've never made it to those classes yet!
*We have Tia chi, floor exercises, water aerobics (two classes every day 6 days a week if you please!!!) and a walking club.
*There are golf leagues and bowling leagues, neither of which I do. I adore golf. I suck at it, so I only go with friends. VERY good friends that don't mind when my ball only goes 10 feet. I hit straight as an arrow usually but have no distance. I can usually putt good though! We're golfing today in fact.
*Cards and other activities? You name it, we have it. Full stop. There isn't a card game we don't have here. I play bid euchre Monday night, euchre Tuesday night, hand and foot Wednesday night, bid euchre again Thursday night and bunco on Friday night. Saturday brings game night and Sunday pokeno. So, yes, every single night I do something. What happens if I get sick of those games? Well, as I said they have every other game going on at the same time. I can change to pinochle, or bridge, or or or! Bingo too...Monday and Thursday. I forgot about that. I'm working bingo next season on Thursday night...right now I'm working it Monday night so I miss my cards then.
*We have a theater group which I'm VERY active in. I've got one of the leads in next season's production in fact. I'm also the secretary! Book clubs, computer clubs, craft and knitting clubs. There's a stained glass studio and a woodshop.
*There is Mah Jongg. My all time favorite game to play. Every single Wednesday and Friday afternoon. More if just some of us get together to 'crack the bam dots' as my friend Clair says!
I know there is so much more. What I love most are my friends here. I know I've said it before, but I never thought you could make such good friends this 'late in life'. That's what I get for thinking. The magnitude and depth of the friendships I have formed are just too much to comprehend sometimes. I am so blessed. Let me say that again. I am so blessed.
So, right now, we're living in an under 400 sq foot place. Yes, three of us. Crowded? You bet. Still love it...but I wanted room for my family to come visit. My brother wanted to stop by and spend a few days on his way to FL last season, but it was cold and we had no heat on the porch where he had to stay and it just wasn't possible. Hell, we had no heat in the house either! This house is over 1500 sq ft. We'll have room for friends to visit (right now they can't as we only have 3 chairs and we're in them!). We'll have a table to eat at (again, we don't have one...no room!). I'll have a kitchen I can move in...oh I'm just so excited I can barely breath. We get the new place Wednesday..yes, buying places in here is like buying a car and not a house, so it goes very quickly.
We now need to get everything out of this house and into that one. Must stay in boxes though until we get that one sorted out. did I mention that all the homes here come fully furnished? That means all the cupboards and drawers will be full. Oh yes, you never know what you will find. When we bought this house there was food in the cupboard and things in the fridge too! We then need to clean this one spic and span as it's on the market. Bring some of the furniture from over there to furnish this one (fully furnished remember?), and then close this up for the summer. We've only got 2 weeks!!! Did I mention that? Oh yes, move from one house into the other and get both ready to shut up for the summer? I'm pulling my hair out thinking of the enormity of this situation!
We'll get home to Michigan and oh yes, put that house up for sale and move everything from there here. Holy shit. I think I may have a stroke thinking about that!
We have to continue to pay rent on this place until it sells. I'm a bit concerned about that.
So, now do you see why I'm not thinking about the diet right now????
Well, Papa just got back from the store with a shitload of boxes. Guess it's time to start packing! I know this was long...but had to let my peeps know what's going on in my life. Pics to follow! This darn post got too long for pics!
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Of course the damn thing came with rules. Insert eye roll here.
Here's the copy & paste stuff:
1. Get really excited that you got the coolest award EVER!
2. Choose ONE of the following options of accepting the OMB award:
(a) Get really drunk and blog for 15 minutes straight, or for as long as you can focus.
(b) Write about your most embarrassing moment.
(c) Write a “Soundtrack of your childhood” post.
(d) Make your next blog a ‘vlog’/video blog.
Basically, you’re talking to the camera about whatever.
(e) Take a picture of yourself first thing in the morning,
before you do anything else (hair, make up, etc) and post it.
3. Pass the award on to at least three, but preferably more, awesome bloggers as yourself.
Don’t forget to tell them.
Ya, get excited before my coffee? I don't freakin think so. I don't speak before my coffee. I like nobody before my coffee. Hell, I don't even like myself before my coffee.
Get drunk and blog? Again, I don't freakin think so. If I get drunk, and I can do something for 15 minutes, it's sure the hell not going to be blog!
Making a video blog was appealing as I've just won that little video camera that is supposed to make uploading shit to YouTube super easy. I'd have to go find it and do it though and I really don't have anything to say right now.
So, that left this option.
Shit, I'm useless before my coffee. As long as that's here...we're selling it. Whole kit and kaboodle for 60,000. Not a scratch or a ding. Interested? You have my digits.
So, NOW it left this option.
Oh yes, I'm one freaking ray of sunshine in the morning.
Saturday, May 1, 2010
I asked a few of my bloggy type friends who's blogs they liked...who made them laugh. Who inspired them. One name came up a few times so I decided I'd check it out. Jack Shit wrote this blog you should read. I shit you not. Gotta love someone that calls himself Jack Shit. I've only read a few of his blogs so far...but this one hit me where it hurt.
Just in case you're too damn lazy to click on his name and go to the blog I just mentioned (If I do it twice maybe you'll go) , let me tell you the thing he said that I think we all need to learn.
"It's OK to fall off the wagon as long as you don't let it get too far down the road".
Wow. Wish I'd have read that before the freakin Conestoga was a dot on the horizon! So, if you're still riding high on the buckboards, remember this in case you tumble! I thought it was quite profound myself. I'm glad he gave a shit and blogged that.
The buzzards are circling.