Catchy title for a song don't you think?
I've been thinking a lot lately about why I do things. My friend Mary wrote a blog that is making me think more. I'm going to quote her here.
Sometimes I feel that in taking charge, I have finally woken up to MY life.
I could go on and think, "What was I doing before this?" but then I am grateful and happy that I am taking charge now. And that is all that really matters.
Wow. I thought that was heavy.
Why you might ask? It might just be a simple statement to you, but it has opened up a whole bunch of thoughts for me.
Let's take a little trip into my brain shall we? I know, it's scary. Buckle up Buttercup, it's going to be the ride of your life! No, not really...but let's begin shall we?
Let's go back to the beginning of my weight loss.
I was, as I've said, the fattest person in all my schools. Maybe even college...most probably.
I left college after the first semester of my second year and got married. I've never regretted that for one minute. I've never thought 'oh I should have finished'. I've never felt uncompleted. I was 19 years old when I got married and it's really all I ever wanted in life. I wanted to be a wife and mother. Ya, I know, not the typical feminist of the 70's!
I married a man that loved me as I was. I don't know what I weighed that day in 1978 when I got married, I do know it was a lot. We married in April and I got pregnant in August. Yes, we did it the right way round. So many people figure I got married at 19 because I 'had to'. During that pregnancy, I got too fat to be weighed on the doctors scale. Imagine that...too fat for the doctors scale. It 'only' went to 300 pounds. They were cruel about it too. Did that help? Nope. I dieted in between kids of course, gaining more and not losing. Three babies later, fast forward 13 years or so, and I weigh 368 pounds.
I have huge admiration for people that weigh huge amounts like that and just decide to diet and exercise and lose the weight. Unless you have over 200 pounds to lose, you can't know how insurmountable that seems.
I wasn't one of those people. I chose to have my stomach stapled. Not the gastric bypass of today, old fashioned, staple half your stomach off with 3 rows of metal staples, stapled.
I lost 4o pounds the first month and thought I was on my way to my new life. I started gaining right after that. 5 pounds one week, 5 pounds the next, 5 the week after. Within just a few months, that 40 pounds I lost was back, with some friends.
I went on to lose 170 pounds with Weight Watchers. I did not lose 170 pounds because of having my stomach stapled. That failed.
Here comes the thinking, the window into my brain if you will. I was laying in bed this morning and the thought occurred to me that since people have never believed that the stomach stapling didn't work for me, perhaps I keep gaining weight is to show them. Talk about heavy.
One more thought, and then that's enough for today. My brain hurts.
I am defined by my weight loss. When I go to a Weight Watchers meeting, the leader will inevitably ask me to share with the class how much I've lost. That was who I was in the past. It's not who I am now. Now I'm struggling.
I think I use the 'I lost X amount of pounds' as a crutch. I've gained 30 pounds in the last few months, BUT I've lost (frick now I have to do math in my head here!!!) 140 pounds. It sounds a lot better to say I've lost 140 pounds than to say I've gained 30. I love the support I get at the WW meetings....I really need/want to go back but I just can't afford it. I've always wanted to get back so I could be the 'I've lost X amount of pounds' girl. I don't want that anymore. I don't need the crutch of losing all that to lose the rest. I want to be the 'I need to lose 30 pounds' girl. I want to be cheered if I lose 1/2 a pound. See, right now, no matter what I lose it's no big deal. I mean I've already lost 140. No! That's not fair! I struggle to lose 1/2 a pound. I deserve the adoration.
I just want to be one of the gang. I don't need to dwell on, as Mary said, what I was doing before this.
Before this is the past. I can't do anything about the past.
The future is mine. I can choose to change my future and not relive my past.
The choice is mine.
It is yours too.
A wink and a smile
5 years ago