"The Biggest Loser"
Yep, it's just a TV show...but I really like it.
I know it gets a bad rap, and to be honest, there are things about the show I do not like. I don't like the extreme exercise they do. I don't like the huge chunks of weight they drop. I don't like the game play. AT ALL. I hate the 'voting someone off' part. I don't like that it's a game.
I love the rawness of the show. I have enjoyed the last 2 or 3 episodes more than any before as I've watched them all by myself. I was able to take it all in, respond emotionally the way I want without someone else watching me. I'm very emotional, but I don't like showing it. I listen to what some of them say and it's so me. I feel the pain. I feel the hurt. I've been there. I am there. I can identify with almost every one of them. Even the ones I don't like very much!
I listened last week to a number of them saying they were not happy. They smiled on the outside, but cried on the inside. I am so them. When someone makes a crack about my weight, a little bit of me dies. I just don't understand why people think it's OK. It's not OK to call the one legged woman at Wal-Mart 'Peg' and laugh, and it's not OK to make a crack about me just because I'm fat. I don't appreciate hearing 'tidal wave' when I'm about to enter the pool. I don't appreciate the comment 'better get in the food line before Debby', and I really don't appreciate hearing on the dance floor, 'oh wow, watch out that thing is swinging my way'. Fat people have feelings. At least I do. I'm tired of smiling and taking it. I won't do it again. If you make a comment about my weight, you better be prepared for the backlash. I'm sure you're not perfect. Would you like me to point out your imperfections? I didn't think so. Shut the fuck up then.
Back to the show. There is a young man on the show that I desperately wanted to be in the final 4. I wanted him to succeed. I wanted him to change his life. I didn't do it, but I want him to. I want him to go to college a thin man and have everything that goes with that status. It's no fun being the fat one...I want him to be the average one and start a new life while he can.
Would I go back to my very young (and I do mean VERY young. I was 5 years old in the 1st grade and I was fat then) age and lose the 10 pounds before it became 200+? No. Does this shock you? After me telling you the pain I feel about my obesity today? Let me explain. I wouldn't go back and change things because it would change who and what I am today. You can't change the past without changing the present. There are too many things about my life right now that I wouldn't be willing to give up...even for thinness.
There is nothing to prevent me from changing my future though.
I am learning a lot about myself this year. I plan on putting this knowledge to good use.
When you hurt me I cry real tears. Who knew?
Maybe I should quit covering them up with laughs. What if I cried when some adult made a nasty comment to me instead of laughing? Would they then realize how their juvenile comments cut? Yes, I think a bit of honesty is in order.
Look out world, I swear to tell the truth....
A wink and a smile
5 years ago