Saturday, January 10, 2009

I wonder why?

I got out of bed this morning and threw on my work out clothes. I did my WATP and then went for a short walk. Yay me. Freaking hate it, but I did it. I enjoyed the walk as it let my mind wander.

I wonder why I'm getting my act together now, at age 50? I'm not doing it for health. It's pure vanity. So why now? Why is it working now when it didn't for the last 40 years?

Let me sprinkle a bit of pixie dust on you and take you for a ride here. Poof...sprinkle...sprinkle. There ya go. Let's roll.

I'm 4 years old and cute as a freaking button. I'm a tiny little thing. Adorable curls, petite features...Daddy's little pride and joy.

I'm 6 years old. I'm in 1st grade at the Catholic school. I'm now fat. I have no idea why I went from being petite to being plump, but I did. I just got bigger from there. Even Sister Pauline's beatings didn't take the fat off. Man she was a bitch.

I'm in 8th grade now. I'm not fat anymore, I'm obese now. This is the time we became aware of boys, but of course they'd not give me a second look. I needed to lose 50 pounds in the 8th grade. It's such a vivid memory to me. It seemed like such a big endeavor. I didn't know how to do it and my Mom, bless her, didn't know how to help me. Another fat girl in my class, Janice Dewitt, betrayed me. We were always fat together but she came back from the summer between 7th and 8th grade a skinny Minny. Looking back, I should have asked her what she did. I was 12 years old. I just didn't think of it. I wanted to be skinny so bad but it was just too big a task to tackle. God what I'd give to have figured out how to lose those 50 pounds back then before more piled on. I wonder why I didn't?

I'm in high school now. I weigh more than my Dad. I can't wear the cute clothes all the other girls wear. After 8 years in a Catholic school wearing uniforms, that's what I wanted the most. I wanted hip hugger bell bottom blue jeans so bad I could taste it. I wanted to fit in. I wanted to be accepted. I wanted a boy! I just didn't know how to get it. I never had a date in high school. I never got asked to dance at any of the dances. I went to my senior prom with my sister in laws brother. It was a mercy date. I wanted to lose weight before college. I wonder why I didn't?

I'm in college now. I'm probably close to 300 pounds. I just don't remember. I loved cafeteria food! Boys? Nah. Damn. I still want the cute clothes, I still want the boy, I just want to be accepted. I try to exercise but I really don't know how. I try to eat right, but again, I really don't know how. Young and stupid I guess. I know that 50 pounds I needed to lose in the 8th grade seemed like nothing now! I want to lose weight. I wonder why I didn't?

I was never depressed. I just realized that what I'm saying here makes it seem like I had a miserable childhood. I didn't. I was loved. I had great friends. In fact, I've still got the friends I had in 3rd grade. How cool is that? We might only talk a few times a year but she is still my best friend in the whole wide world. I just didn't have the thing I wanted most. A boyfriend. OK, a boyfriend and bell bottom blue jeans!

I'm now 18 years old. I had my first date the summer between my freshman and sophomore year of college. He asked me to dance to my favorite song of all times. It was fate. We were married in April of 1978. I was 19 years old. I joined Weight Watchers a few months before that for the first time. I wonder why it didn't work then?

It's now 1982. I'm pregnant with my 3rd child. I weigh so much the doctor's scales don't go that high. They 'only' went to 300. My mom died this year. I have 2 sons ages 1 & 2 and one on the way and I am morbidly obese. I not only wanted to lose weight, I needed to. I wonder why I didn't?

Well, on my walk this morning I had an epiphany. While wondering why I didn't ever lose the weight all those times before, it came to me that maybe it just wasn't my time. Had I lost the weight in 8th grade, I'm sure I'd have had a date in high school. I might have married that boy. I'd not have the husband I've had for 30 years then. I'd not have the 3 sons I have now. I'd not have the 2 grandsons I have now. I'd not be waiting for my first granddaughter to be born in March like I am now. I'd have never moved to Houghton Lake. I'd have never met the friends I have there. I'd have never had a daycare for several years. I'd have never been on the Internet at the exact moment that I was when I met so many wonderful friends. The list just goes on. I believe that everything has a reason. The past is the past and I can't change it. I can work toward the future though.

I have a pair of bell bottom blue jeans hanging in my closet. They've got pink embroidered butterflies and flowers down the leg. Maybe had I got them in the 8th grade I just wouldn't appreciate them as much as I will now. I know I can't wait until I can squeeze my fat ass in them. I'm looking forward to it. I'm not looking behind as I can't change that. Bring on the future!

I'm excited about the future. I wonder why?


  1. And most important of all, I might not have met you either.

    See, it wasn't ALL bad in your past !!

    I love your attitude and I'll do all I can to get you into those jeans. You go girl.

  2. A great epiphany. I too believe things happen for a get us where we need to be......I'm glad you went through what you did to get you here! I wouldn't change the past either, but sure as hell want to change the future!!

  3. It is hard not to think about the "what if's" but it is so much more important to think about what will be. I so can relate to almost everything here. Thanks for writing it!

  4. Amazing what epiphany's can come when one is walking. I like to think of it as a crutch God extends to make the walking easier so we keep it up.

    I don't think I knew about the new grandbaby coming and a girl too. You lucky dog.

    Keep up the good work. You inspire me.