Friday, July 16, 2010

New Girl

Yep, so I'm the new girl.

Went back to Weight Watchers last night. To a meeting where nobody knew me. Didn't give my 'secret' away. Felt awesome.

I've gained 40ish pounds. Fuck me sideways.

Left the meeting all invigorated. Went to bed in doubt about today. Why?

Simple. Let me give you a little glimpse into my mind. Hold someones hand, it's a scary place.

Left the meeting fired up.

Went to the store after dinner to get a few essentials for today as TBM has to work at 9:30 and I don't want to keep the truck. Still fired up.

Got home, played on the computer, still fired up.

Thought pops into my head. There's a half a loaf of Portuguese bread in the drawer and butter in the fridge. Maybe I should wait one more day to begin the diet. You know, eat that. It's really good and was expensive, don't want to waste it. Not fair to feed it to TBM as he needs to lose a C note or two. Not so fired up now....

TBM is in the kitchen setting the coffee pot for morning...he springs out into the apartment and says to me "Did you know there's a bag of potato chips in the pantry?! Wavy chips! They're wavy chips! Did you know this?" Um, no, but I do now asshat. Thank you very much. NOW all I can think about are those F'ing wavy Lays in the pantry. Definitely not so fired up now.

Much easier to just take one more day off...plan a menu today...get organized for tomorrow.

OMG do you see the horrors of my mind??? WHY does my mind work like that. Do any of your minds work like that? I can't possibly be the only F'd up person in the weight loss world am I???

At this exact moment. I can't honestly tell you that it's going to be OK. I'm fighting myself. I'm like a drug addict with food.

I'm not sure who's winning.

Ya, they don't all end upbeat!



  1. Debbie, I recently quit smoking and am a participant on a smoking message board where we often have discussions about "junkie thinking". This is the way of an addictive mind. I do it too as do most all of us that fight the battle of whether to eat an apple or a Snickers bar. Yes, this is a battle, a battle for your very life. You just have to decide which part of your mind is going to rule the day. The junkie thinking or the mind that wants to get healthy.

  2. Excellent idea to put in my mind! Junkie thinking....wants to get healthy. All that stuff is in the trash now. TY!

  3. My mind totally works that way too!! Sometimes making deals with yourself works, sometimes youre just talking shit though! :-D
    you know, because Im goofy as all hell, I can imagine running to the kitchen, whipping the bag of wavy lays on the floor and jumping up and down on them a few times...that wouldve made me feel more powerful! Like Godzilla making his debut in Tokyo! I know its a waste of money, but it would be more fun, and those chips wouldnt really have been wavy anymore!
    Get fired up again, cuz you know you can do this...

  4. You are not alone...mine does that as well...thank goodness while closed I can stay away, but an open packet of anything calls my name all the time till I have eaten it up.

    I think u need to get your mind right to go on plan so that you are able to resist anything in front of you as you want to lose weight more than anything else.

  5. I've found that it's hard to lose when there's junk in the house. I'll buy chips for the significant other who (damn him!) can lose just by looking at the treadmill, not even getting on it....and of course all day I'm thinking "I want some....they're right there" god forbid we get a CAKE or make BROWNIES! UGH!

    But when I decided to go on this journey, I made a spot in my apartment that was "the junk shelf" and put it as high as possible. Why? Because I'm short! 5'0 does not equal easy getting things down from cupboards. I put all the junk stuff up there so I couldn't reach it without a chair.

    Doesn't work so well now that I'm at my mom's with two tweens that eat anything and everything. But I've just made myself stay out of the kitchen at all costs unless it's meal time. :)

  6. Yeah for being the NEW girl! :) Food will always be a battle for me. I'm gonna fight it till the end! :)

  7. Yeah, I had some chocolate cake left over from my daughter's b day party...ack.
    40 lbs isn't a hundred. I am always grateful I caught myself at 130 lbs over weight rather than 300 lbs. lol.
    It makes me feel proactive.

  8. Hey Debby! TJ sent me your way! I totally understand the "start tomorrow" demon, and once i get fixated on a bad food, i can't shake it loose, it's a total struggle. But you're right in saying that it's like being a drug addict with food. And like any addiction it's something that we will have to deal with, fight to get and stay healthy.
    And can i just say that i LOVE your plain speaking! When i read your post, especially the f*#k me sideways bit i almost snorted my water out my nose! Very honest and refreshing! LOL! I think it's great that your are doing a fresh start, keep it up!

  9. Ariel...I could just see me jumping on the chips. I would have then, however, licked them off the floor!

    Marcy, I'm working on getting my mind straight. It's kinda crooked, but I'm working on it. got that right 130 is better than all of it. I SO hear you there! My 40 is a whole lot better than all 180 of it. Excellent idea to put in my head.

    Sandy, yep, druggies need to stay away from the crack....goodies are my crack. I'm glad the language didn't offend. I type things, I cut them, I put them back, I cut them again, then I think...sighhh I am who I am!

  10. Interesting that. When I was teaching my kids that drugs were a bad place to go... I got them to think about what it would be like if they tried chocolate and then had to keep off it for the rest of their lives. That seemed to put addiction (from the other side of the mirror) into context.

    I find your blog v interesting. I live in a different place though. I'm addicted to thin. I wonder if you could somehow catch it off me.

  11. Debby,
    I feel so much better knowing that I too am not the only F'd up individual who thinks this way!! I do the exact same thing - thinking well I need to eat all the "crap" up before I start on my healthy food because I don't want to waste it - oh and I have a husband who won't let me forget it - "Why do we have 2 boxes of cereal open? Why did you open a new loaf of bread?" ... I have actually had to throw things away so I don't get the twenty questions as to why I opened a new "healthier" item before the junk is gone... LOL ... anyways you are not alone my friend! ... I say forget it and throw it all out, dropping this weight is more important than the money already spent on the junk and even a lecture from my husband telling me to stop wasting food, lol!!