Friday, April 2, 2010

I've lost my mind

If found. Please return!

I'm hoping it's menopause ruling my life these days and not dementia. I've lost all my marbles for sure. Hell I can't even find my marble bag. Good thing I'm female!

OK, so here's the skinny. I'm not.

That's right. I'm fat and I'm not jolly. I'm sitting here right now and I just feel fat. I can feel my fat jowls hanging down and my belly is just poofing out and uncomfortable. My clothes don't fit either. Gotta love that!

Thoughts. I didn't feel this fat when I weighed 25 pounds more a few years ago. Wonder why? Perhaps I was at 240 for so many years I was comfortable there. Perhaps I then got used to weighing around 200? I think so. I WAS of course fat at 200, but I didn't feel fat. Weird eh?

So, what am I going to do about it? I dunno.

I got my daily email from Jillian Michaels and I liked it. I shall ponder that. Pixies used to ponder you know. As I'm lazy, I'll cut and paste the email here. Share and share alike you know! All Jillian's crap is in bold blue.

First: Think long and hard about what you want. Make sure your goals are actually things you want to achieve, not what society dictates or what your family or friends want for you. Ultimately your life is yours and you must live it for yourself. I know you might be thinking that's selfish, but so what? Sometimes being a little selfish is a good thing, especially if it enables you to take care of yourself.

So, what do I want? I don't want to feel fat. That's it. Society surely doesn't dictate that it's OK to weigh 199, but that is what I want. For now. So, on number 1, check. My goal is something I want to achieve and screw the rest of the world.

Second: Remember, goals are not inflexible roadblocks meant to make you feel badly about yourself. If you don't accomplish a goal exactly on schedule, so what? You can't predict what life is going to throw your way — but you CAN choose the way you react to situations that come up. That is where your power lies. If you fall off the wagon, just get back on — no ifs, ands, or buts about it.

Ahhh the freaking proverbial wagon. I'm not on it, so can't fall off it. I must get back on it!!! I need to learn to react to situations. Yep, I may be old, but I sure still have shit to learn.

Third: We all have to be realistic when we set our goals. I'm 5 feet 2 inches, and I have a stocky build. I am never going to be a petite little waif, no matter how hard I work. I also want to make a difference in the world, but something tells me I probably don't stand a good chance of running for president. Instead, I set goals that are realistic and productive. I am 5 feet 2 and stocky, but I am going to be the most fit 5-feet-2 muscle chick I can. I might not be president, but I can teach people how to be healthier and happier through fitness.

I'm 51. I'm not over the hill by any means, but I'm too old to want to wear hot pants and mini skirts. Shit, they probably don't even have hot pants and mini skirts anymore! Date myself or what????? Nothing gags me more than to see an old lady trying to look young. Ian says 'mutton as lamb' and I've adopted that phrase on many an occasion. I wouldn't mind wearing something fitting and having an older man stop and say 'holy shit look at that handsome woman' though. Honestly I just don't want to be gross. I don't want to feel gross. That's it.

Make sense? The bottom line is that goals provide direction. They help bring a focus to our lives so that we can live our dreams — no matter how big or how small they may be.

So, I'm guessing I need some goals. Yep, again. I'm nothing if not persistent.

I've just booked another 7 day cruise. I couldn't eat on the last cruise as my gastroparysis was back. It's gone now again (as gaining 20 pounds in a few weeks would attest!!!), so I'm under no delusion that I shall lose weight on this cruise. We leave the 11th and will be back the 18th. I have a week before we go to do some thinking.

I don't want to give up. I don't want my friends to give up on me.


1 comment:

  1. I wont give up on you...
    We all feel like this about ourselves from time to time, I too am going through one of those times where I feel fat...and yet I told myself being healthy was no 1 on my list after my MS scare!!

    Enjoy your cruise - never been on one - it looks so romantic when I see the pictures.
    Maybe one ship will come in...LOL

    Sending love.