I don't like country music for the most part, but I do like Terri Clark. The first time I heard her song 'I'm an emotional girl', I thought wow, that's me! She sings "I'm an emotional girl, I can't help myself. Sometimes I laugh, sometimes I cry, sometimes I do both and I don't know why'. Oh ya, c'est moi!
Tonight watching 'The Biggest Loser' (after missing the first 40 minutes because my DVR did not DVR! grrrrrr), I started to tear up. Jillian Michaels was in a gym talking to a whole high school. One girl stood up, took the mic, and crying, poured her heart out. I could see girls behind her snickering. I just wanted to smack the smug right off their 'oh I'm so cool look at me' faces!
I was right back in school. I was that girl that everyone laughed at. Snickered at. Made fun of. Yes, from 1st grade on, I was the fat girl of the school. I went to Catholic school from grades 1-8. I was ALWAYS the fattest person in the school. Oh, no, not just the fattest girl. When I do anything, I do it well. I was the fattest person in the school. Tears streamed down that girl's face tonight, and mine also. I was re-living my childhood torture.
I went to high school. A big one compared to my Catholic school. My graduating class had 513. Grades 9-12 in the building, each class bigger than the one before....go ahead and do the math, I'll wait. Got a number in your mind? Good. I was the fattest person in my high school. Always. Kids are cruel I'm here to tell you.
So I wept for this girl I saw tonight, but I also wept for myself. Oh yes, I'm not above feeling sorry for myself. I try not to do it often, and I try not to share it. I have been known to wallow in self misery now and again, but I try to wallow in private.
It got me thinking. So many things right now in my life I can't control and I so want to. I want my house in Michigan to sell this summer. I want my 5th wheel and my truck to sell this summer. I want my park model here in the park to sell this summer. We found the house we want to buy here. I don't want anyone else to buy that house this summer. I'd like my fingers and shoulders and knees and ankles to all start playing nicey nicey too...as long as I'm in want mode. Can I control any of that? Even one thing of it? No.
What can I control? I can control what I put in my mouth. Nobody takes that food and shoves it in my mouth. I do it all by myself. Why do I choose to stuff myself when I don't like what it's doing to me?
Maybe because I can? In a sea of 'I can'ts'?
Wow, that's heavy.
I can eat what I want because I can.
No kids to laugh at me now. Well, they still do, but I don't give a shit. Kids are little shits and their opinion means squat to me. Where I live, there are people bigger than me. Not many, but a few. I wasn't able to say that growing up. Perhaps I'm too comfortable not being THE fat girl? It's OK to keep eating as I'm not the fattest chick in the park?
I get teased a lot here because Den works and I play. I guess they figure I should be working also. Maybe they figure I don't appreciate all he does for me. They don't know shit either. People shouldn't assume. People are VERY good at assuming. Do they think we never discussed this? Do they think that he doesn't love this park as much as I do and is willing to work so we can have this? No, they think it's all about me. I used to think it was OK if they were talking about me, it meant they were leaving someone else alone. I don't think like that so much today. Do any of them stop to think that Den is only 57? Were they retired fully at 57? Doubt it, but maybe. We're not...can't afford any of this on a State of Michigan pension! Holy shit where did that come from? That's for another blog! Where was I?
Oh ya, kids are mean. They're like hyenas going in for the kill. Show weakness and you're dead. One will nip, the other bite, and soon you're laying on the ground dead thinking 'what the fuck happened???'. I felt sorry for that girl tonight, and I guess I'm feeling a bit sorry for myself too.
I don't like this much.
I guess I'll stop now.
I've got a lot of thinking to do.
A wink and a smile
5 years ago