Caution, this is a cathartic post and not an inspiring one. I need to sort my mind out. Doing it here!
Last weeks experiment was a success. I had a loss. I was excited to begin a new week.
It's really an interesting program. It gives me the 'freedom' I need right now with crazy work hours, but also the structure. I learned a lot. I continue to do so.
I'm having crazy mind wars that I've never had before. I've read over and over about people eating something and feeling guilty. I've never done that...never felt guilt. Never. If I ate something, I wanted it and that was good enough for me. Moved on from there. This is pre coffee this morning boys and girls, I hope I can explain how I'm feeling. It's going to be long, but I must get it out there...for me.
Here's the scenario. WI was awesome. Over 2 pounds. That is huge for me. I always use WI day for treat day. Always. It's always been a day of an eating frenzy. Buy a big bag of chips and must eat them all before bed. Can't have them around the next day now can I? Bake a cake...well you get the drift. So, I still want to keep treats in the picture, but this week I decided to use the 'only when hungry' and 'only until satisfied' rules. That was actually awesome. I had my usual McD's sausage McMuffin on the way home from the meeting. I LOVE those stupid things! I went into work and there were donuts. In the past I'd have had one as of course it's treat day. I stopped, knowing that I could, but I thought first. No, I wasn't hungry. Damn. I passed the donut. Lunch time rolled around and now I was hungry. Well to be fair, it was 2PM. I wanted Panera Bread mac and cheese. Off I took myself. I've always ordered the large in the past, with a pastry and of course you get a crusty roll and butter. This time I ordered a small, and got the pastry to go. I told myself that I'd quit eating when I wasn't hungry anymore. Now, when you're eating something you love, that really isn't easy! I kept hoping I wouldn't feel not hungry until after the mac and cheese was gone! It was really funny. I actually left a bit of bread. TBM wanted pizza for dinner. I had 1 slice. So, all in all, for me, it was a great treat day. Easily half the amount I'd have eaten previously. So yay me!
Now the rub.
Wednesday is my day off so I can play Mah Jongg. I love that stupid game! I've had a FABULOUS week at work. I showed houses on Tuesday that looked like they might lead to a sale. I put an application for residency in for a guy that wants to buy a home. He can't start the process until he's approved. SO, Wednesday I went in to work ONLY to check my computer to see if he was approved yet and then to email him to let him know. I had my oatmeal before I went and I was going to plan my food when I got back home. I knew I'd be at work 10 minutes max. That was at 9AM. I didn't get home from work until 6:30! He was approved AND I sold 2 homes that day, so it was worth it. Here is the blow by blow.
1.)Flew home around 2 to grab something for lunch and take it back to the office. I hadn't cooked the meat for a sandwich yet. I didn't have time to cook an egg. I didn't have any fat free cheese. I didn't have any fruit. I grabbed a yogurt, but I was really hungry. I saw the left over pizza from the previous night. I talked to myself out loud. I took it out. I put it back. I shut the fridge door and leaned on the kitchen sink and talked to myself. I left with the piece of pizza hanging out of my mouth! I figured I'd just count the points for it as I do have 49 extra to work with. No problem.
2.) I sold a house and was on a high! Called TBM and said 'we're going out for Mexican tonight, Mama just sold a house!'. He was of course thrilled...about both!
3.) There's where the nagging began. My mind, the bitch, was giving me grief. You don't need 3 margaritas. You know you'll have 3 because you're a margarita whore and they're only 99 cents tonight. You'll eat a whole basket of chips. Do you REALLY think that's good for you? Will you stop when you're satisfied? No, the alcohol will dull your senses and you'll eat like a pig. Oink oink baby!
4.) I called TBM and told him that no matter how I begged, don't give in and take me to Mexican tonight. We had left overs. He was good with that. He wouldn't have followed through though. If I'd come home and demanded to go, we'd have gone. LeSigh.
5.) I called TBM later and said 'I sold ANOTHER house!'. He was pumped! I said 'We're definitely going to Mexican now!'. He said OK! Asshat.
6.) Doing paperwork, the nagging began again. How am I ever going to learn anything if the very first time I want to eat, I do. I was happy and I eat when I'm happy. I need to quit associating food with emotion. That's what this new program is all about. SOOOOOO I called TBM AGAIN.
7.) He cooked up the ground turkey in the fridge and seasoned it up taco like. He chopped lettuce and diced onions. (not an asshat anymore)I got home and opened the wine bottle and had 1 glass. We had taco salads at home. Yes, I used tortilla chips. Yes, I had real cheese. Yes, I used guac. I did pay attention and I did quit when I wasn't hungry anymore and I didn't have anything else later. I counted the points for ALL of it.
The pizza, the chips, the guac, you name it, I counted all the points. NOW here's the problem. See, I told you this was long. Sorry, it's helping me.
Problem. I get 49 extra points a week...that breaks down to 7 a day. Staying on the SFT program I need to know I have those 7 a day as so many things aren't covered. That one day, THE FIRST DAY OF THE PROGRAM WEEK MIND YOU!!! I used 20 points plus! When the hell did a slice of pizza become 10 points??? Holy crap my glass of wine was 5...glad I didn't have 2!!! That was 3 days of points. THREE DAYS IN ONE DAY!!!
So, Thursday rolled around and holy shit it was hard to stay good. My mind is in a whirl. You can't use points. You need to save them for later in the week. Blah blah blah. It was another long day at work. I ate breakfast before I went and planned my lunch. Of course when I popped home to get my lunch, TBM had eaten it already! It ended up being an on program day but not without a lot of mind games and I didn't like that.
I've learned a lesson from this. I will think long and hard in the future before just grabbing food.
I will be prepared always. Even if it's something in the freezer I can grab and pop in the micro at work.
Yes, I might be old, but I've learned. I had feelings this week I've never had and I don't like them.
I'm trying to do what I tell others all the time. Put it in the past and move on.
It's not easy for sure.
TODAY I'M NOT WORKING! I'M GOING TO GET MY MIND TOGETHER!
Peace be the journey
A wink and a smile
6 years ago