Monday, June 21, 2010

Deep water

I'm going to shamelessly steal a quote from my dear friend Daphne's blog today.

I'm not going to wade in gently, I'm going to jump in with both feet. Here is the quote.

"but I need to get rid of all those fears that are in my head and not real, so that I can concentrate on looking out for any real dangers that there might be"

D is preparing for a small swim. OK, not so small. She's preparing for THE Great North Swim. Holy shit people, she's going to put on a wet suit, jump into freaking freezing water, and oh yes, swim a mile. Doesn't sound like much? Try it. I dare you. I can't tell you how proud of her I am. She's my age, although much fitter than I, and going to do this. I had planned on being there, and I'm upset to no end that I won't be able to see her finish. My friend Silverback will video it and take a squagillion pictures though, so I'll at least get to see those.

Her quote was in a blog about her first swim in open water with her new wetsuit, and the fears that ensued. Since I have NO intention of stuffing this fat ass into a wetsuit anytime soon, what the hell does her swimming have to do with me? Sometimes I read things, and oops, they just happen to apply to my life in a different context.

I'll let you in on a little secret folks. I'm lazy. Yep, that's right. Lazy as an old dog in the summer heat. Now that I think about it, scared too. I'm scared that I'll fail at things so I quit. I don't like to be labeled a quitter, and it's a quality that I sure discouraged when raising my sons. With them, if they started something, they had to finish it. You want to play football? That's just fine, but if, two weeks in, you don't like it? Tough shit. You finish the season. You commit to something, you finish. They always did. In fact, they still do. It's so much easier to say 'do as I say and not as I do'.

Is my weight loss journey at yet another road block because I'm scared? Wow. Deep. So deep, it bears asking again.

Is my weight loss journey at yet another road block because I'm scared?

Do I need to learn that fear won't kill me?

Do I need to learn to master the fear? Embrace it? Then, and only then conquering it?

Do I, for once in my life, need to suck it up and do something difficult? Change my evil ways? Break my bad habits one by one?

Holy shit I think I do.

It's OK to be scared. It really is. Being scared won't kill me. Eating uncontrollably WILL kill me.

I wanted to walk a 5K earlier in the year. I didn't do it. I used the excuse of my physical problems to get me out of it. That was BS. I was afraid I couldn't do it. I was afraid people would laugh. I was afraid I'd be dead last. Oh yes, people, when I play, I play to win. Always.

Maybe it's not all about winning. Maybe it's about enjoying the race. Maybe it's about feeling accomplishment in the small things.

Today I will embrace my fears. Let them wash over me. Realize they aren't going to engulf me. Take a deep breath and find a way to push through.

Today I will enjoy the race.



  1. What are u scared of???????????

  2. Enjoy the race, indeed.
    I have used my weight as an excuse to not do a lot of stuff. It is one of the reasons I do this. TO STOP MAKING EXCUSES.

  3. Life is a journey and if we stay afraid all our lives what opportunities will we miss out on? Jump in!

  4. I can be such a perfectionist that if I don't think I can do it right, I won't do it at all. I definitely related to what you said. The past several years while raising my kids, I've shifted to making things better than before... not perfect... not just good enough... but better than before.

    My fear still keeps me from doing things, and I prefer to stay at home these days. I hope to break out of that.

    I liked your post.

  5. Thank you so much for quoting me! I am scared of the Great North Swim too - I've always swum in open water - sea, not lakes - and I know most people will be younger and fitter than I am. But I don't care that they'll be a lot faster than I am - I just want to be able to do it. You never struck me as a person who's scared of much at all so I'm sure you'll be able to overcome any fears and accomplish whatever you want. Go for it!