Resolution

As it's nearing the new year, a lot of our thoughts shift to resolutions. Some people pooh pooh them, I like them. So what if you don't keep them? To me, making them gives you a goal. Gives you something to strive for. I like that idea.

My resolution, or goal if you please, for my Weight Watcher self is to lose something in 2009. Not too difficult you'd think. I've kept a spread sheet for the last several years and every year I've lost some weight. One year it was 2 pounds, but it was something. 2008 brought me a gain. I don't like looking at that on my spread sheet. It wasn't just a pound or two either. Oh no, it was 20+ pounds!

This summer when I got home from FL I was in a size 14 jeans. Comfortably. I started working at Buccilli's and was thrilled to fit nicely into the uniform tee shirt. That would never have happened in the past. Yes, it was an XL, but it fit. I loved wearing it in fact. As the summer wore on I had to store the size 14's and get out the 16's. No biggie...they were more comfortable to wear to work anyway. As the summer drew to a close and we were getting ready for FL I noticed the size 16's were getting too tight. I realized that I couldn't sit for 24 hours in the truck for the trip down here in them. I had to go out and buy a size 18. I did NOT like that! I vowed as soon as I got here to begin WW and throw those size 18's out and get back into the 14's. Oh I wish that were so!

The size 18's are tight now. I will NOT buy 20's. Not now, not ever, ever, ever again.

Another goal for 2009 is to get back into my size 14's. I've got a brand new pair of bell bottoms with embroidered butterflies on them and a pink hoodie top...can't get into them. My goal is to get into them ASAP. I shall post a picture here when I do.

When I first started coming to FL I thought it would be easy to lose weight here. Geez it's summer year round. I can bike, walk, swim, you name it I can do it. We have exercise classes and a gym and everything. What's the problem? I like to eat! Friends say c'mon on over and have some wine. Hell yes I'll be there!!! Others say 'oh I made this, have a taste'. Oh ya...I'll have 2!!! I play cards every night. Have to be there before 6PM so dinner is after 8:30 for me usually. Heaven forbid I'd eat at 5PM! I run around and visit and do stuff all day and then don't want to fix dinner. Oh it's so easy to go out here. We have such a big array of restaurants and I love them all! So, no, it's not easy to lose weight in FL! I can do it though.

I shall start eating my dinner at 5PM and planning a healthy snack for afterwards.

I love to go out to dinner and I won't stop that. I can learn to eat healthy at even my favorite places.

I can exercise. No, wait, I WILL exercise!

I've got an expensive bike, I've got walking shoes. I've got a bathing suit. I shall use them!

2008 was my year to reach my Weight Watcher goal finally. I didn't do that. I learned stuff though.

Bring on 2009. I'm ready for it.

January 2nd though. Everyone knows you can't start a diet on the 1st!!!

Today is yesterday's tomorrow

and it's here!

I lost .2 pounds this week at weigh in and I'm happy as a pig in proverbial shit. I just wanna maintain over the holidays. I was sure I was up for a gain this week. I'll have to ramp up the exercise this next week for sure.

Tomorrow

Is weigh in day.

Have I been OP? Um, no. Do I expect a loss? Um, no. Would I be thrilled to death with a maintain? You bet your bippy.

I shall eat my egg sandwich now and contemplate that possibility.

Let's Smile Today!

It makes me smile, but it's also a sad bit of truth.

To lose or not to lose

That is the question.

I'm sure the Bard will pardon my almost plagiarism here as he knows what a big fan of his I am.

It's a question I ask myself almost every day. Sometimes more than once a day. Today at my meeting our leader asked us what our expectations over the holiday season were. I thought about that and decided that even though I want to lose what I've gained, my goal would be to not gain weight over the next 2 weeks. If I could slam into Jan 2 ( or whatever the Tuesday after the holidays will be) with a maintain I'd be happy as a pig in shit.

Today's weigh in produced a maintain. I stayed exactly the same and I was very happy. I'm having such a very hard time lately that a maintain is fabulous!

I now have to figure out how I'm going to achieve my goal for the next few weeks. It's not going to happen by accident. I think my 12.8 pound gain last week showed you all that!! I'm going to have to plan for a maintain. I'm going to have to do something to not gain.

We also talked about exercise today. Hmmmmmm I wonder if I moved my fat ass a bit more, OK who am I kidding, I wonder if I moved my fat ass at all if I'd be able to eat the goodies and still maintain? Well, I'll let you know next week as that's my goal for this week. Exercise. I've not done any in weeks and weeks so this should be an interesting week for sure!

I shall start with a walk to the fridge as I'm hungry.

Calm before the next storm

It's a wonderful day in the neighborhood. Oh how I miss the easy days of Mr. Rogers!

Yesterday was another roller coaster day. Geez this is hard getting used to. I've always been a person with one emotion. Happy. Yep, that's it. Sorted. Done. Now I've got so many different feelings rolling around inside of me....ohhhhhhhhh an epiphany! It's all those extra feelings rolling around in there making me gain so much weight! Whew! Glad I got that figured out!

My day went something like this.

*Lay in bed til 9am (usually up at 6am)so I don't have to talk to anyone.
*Get up, drink 4 cups of coffee to try to become human.
*Fail.
*Have a hysterical crying jag that lasts 2 hours.
*Try to explain why I'm upset and what's wrong.
*Fail.
*Go to store. Leave glasses at home so can't read one package. Wanted a frozen pizza...couldn't read the boxes to decide what I wanted.
*Another hysterical crying jag when friend says 'I wish you'd tell me what's wrong'. Ahhhhhhh I did that! Menopause Debby has some kind of syntax problem that prevents thoughts from the brain traveling through the correct paths and leaving the mouth in some sort of coherent pattern. For example yesterday afternoon's 'explanation' of what's wrong. What I meant was "I'm feeling overwhelmed here. 1. It's difficult for me to get up in the morning and try to figure out what I'd like to eat for the day and what I think Den should eat for the day and then get everything out and prepared for the correct times. 2. I'd really like some help around the house. Yes, I realize most of the clutter is mine. I could work on picking up the clutter and you guys could dust and vacuum. I could mop the bathroom floor and you guys could clean the shower. I could vacuum the living room and you guys could dust. Oh by the way, have I told you how much it means to me that you guys do the dishes every single day as I hate doing dishes more than anything in the world??? 3. My grandson's 1st birthdays are approaching and I've bought something that I need to actually make for them. One of them needs to go in the mail on Monday and I've not even taken the pieces out of the bag yet and I have NO idea where my sewing machine is! The list goes on.

What came out of my mouth? I don't remember exactly but I remember saying 'I want to go home'! WTF??? I am home. I swear to God I don't know how to talk anymore. I think I meant that I just want to go back to how it was. Normal. I miss normal.

Sorry...I rambled again. What this whole thing was supposed to be about was AFTER we got home from the grocery store. I of course had nothing for dinner again. Couldn't read the boxes remember??? I was sitting in my chair feeling sorry for myself when friend....do you hear the trumpets here? See him elevating on a silver cloud? Well, I do. Friend said 'would you like me to fix you something for dinner?' Wow! Can't remember the last time anyone has fixed me a meal. I asked if I could do anything to help. He said 'sit there'. So I sat. I had a glass of wine, OK so it was 2. Food was presented to me all prepared. I sat in my recliner, feet up, wine at side and ate the most delicious meal I've had in a long time. I felt special and cared for. It was nice. We've always had a rule in our house that if you cook, you don't do dishes. He did dishes too! God what a luxury last evening was!

I had a healthy meal last night when I'd have eaten junk if left to my own devices. Thank you my friend.

Not sure how today will go yet, but I'm hoping for the best!

I want a personal chef

I'd also like a wife to do the housework but that's a different blog!

I'm having ever so hard a time lately. I don't want to plan, I don't want to cook, I just want someone else to do it all for me for a while. Fighting the ups and downs of menopause is hard enough without trying to figure out what I'm going to eat each day and then fix it and then do the same for Papa. He's on WW too and I need to fix his food for him. He works midnights so I always need to figure out food that can be toted and re-heated well. I just don't wanna do it!

I had a really rough 2008 as far as weight loss went. I was suffering, and I do mean suffering, with gastroparesis and for some unknown reason, it just went away in June. The link tells what it is, but basically if I ate anything at all, I was full for hours and hours. It wasn't a pleasant full either as the food would just sit in my stomach and rot so I always felt icky. The only time I didn't feel icky was when I was hungry, which was pretty much never as there was always some food sitting in there rotting! I had a stomach emptying test and it took over 8 hours for 1/4 of an egg sandwich to even start moving out of my stomach. I pretty much lived on tomato soup and cheese and milk shakes. Anything soft...yogurt, pudding, mashed potatoes. I didn't lose weight during this time either which sucked! So in June, I went from not being able to eat any solid food and then BAM, I could. I spent the summer eating everything I missed for the last 2-3 years as the gastro went away once before, but it came back. I knew that if I didn't get in all the things I'd missed, and it came back, I'd be pissed. Oh I got it all in for sure!!! I gained over 20 pounds this summer alone. That didn't bother me. I knew that I could get that off by the end of the year.

I decided that as soon as I got to Florida I'd start the WW back up again as I sure don't want to end up back where I started. Got here and another BAM, menopause decided to begin. Oh yippee hoorray. Now I'm a bitch that wants what she wants when she wants it and I'm trying to tell myself no. Oh that is going well!!! I have mental battles with myself for hours on end and one of us (oh yes there are more than one of us in there now) is going to lose and no matter what happens the results aren't going to be pretty! If the WW wanting Debby wins, then the menopause Debby is pissed and of course, visa versa. It's a freaking war inside my body on a day to day basis! Unfortunately I have found that I can quiet the menopause Debby with chocolate, chips and copious amounts of wine! Ya, I know I gotta figure this out....but my figuring capacity is diminished too! I'm a mess I tell ya!

I decided (the WW Debby that is) that this week would be THE week. I went to WW on Tuesday and warned the leader before I stepped on the scale. After she regained consciousness and got back in her chair, she just said 'Oh my, we'll just start fresh shall we?'. I'd gained 12.8 pounds. Now granted, I'd not been to WI for 2-3 weeks...but holy shit 12.8 pounds??? Seems the Menopause Debby wants to hold on to what fat she has and pad herself for future possible denial by WW Debby! Bitch!

OK, so let's do the math here. I keep a spread sheet of my gains and losses. I used to like to look at it as even though there were some bold, red numbers(that's how I record my gains), there were many, many, more lovely black numbers. At the end of each year, there was always a loss. Might be a small loss, maybe even only a pound or two for the year, but always a loss. Well boys and girls, this year, the year I thought I'd reach my goal, there's not only not going to be a loss, there's going to be a big, bold, red gain. I'm sad about that. Right now, there's a grand gain of 21.6 pounds. Now I don't care how much WW Debby tries, she's not going to get that off by the end of the year. Heavy sigh.

I'm good at telling everyone else to put everything behind as there's nothing you can do about that past...yada yada yada. I will do that myself, I'm just not sure when! I know I should just start right now, fresh....but I really want a thick, juicy, hamburger. I want, I want, I want!

I really hate Menopause Debby and I'm trying to figure out how to off her. She's taken over and she only hears what she wants to hear. I really wanted that hamburger for dinner last night so I asked my friend if he wanted to go out for dinner and we could share one. I was thinking of an Outback burger you see and they're really huge. I thought he could have all the fries and half the burger and we could maybe get a salad and we'd both be stuffed. Apparently Menopause Debby doesn't make herself clear as he didn't understand and thought I meant I wanted to go to the Cafe by the Lake for lunch and share one of their tiny burgers. Ah no. Anyway, WW Debby would have just explained but ohhhhhhhhh nooooooooo Menopause Debby just said forget it. She cuts off her nose to spite her face you see. She also refused to get anything out for dinner in hopes that friend would re-consider. Of course friend DID reconsider, but Menopause Debby then figured it was one of those 'I really don't want to go but I'll go because you want me to but I won't be happy about it at all' things and said no. No??? WTF???? I told you, if I can figure out how to kill the bitch, I will. Anyway, I had rice for dinner. Oh ya that was a big girl thing to do!

Sorry, I think perhaps I rambled there! Ah well, I thought this would be a cathartic thing to do. Maybe someone else out there is going through the same thing and we can help each other. Maybe someone else out there needs to put a hit out on someone, Menopause Debby can do that! Maybe someone else out there has chocolate, chips, or wine. I'll be right over!

My story

Welcome to the magical story of how to de-puff a Pixie. OK, so it's not magical, and I'm not sure how it ends yet, but welcome, never the less!

This was me circa 1988ish. I couldn't buy clothes in the store, I had to make my own. Now, of course, they sell sizes that would cover a Volkswagen. Not so in 'the olden days'.

I began Weight Watchers for the first time in 1978 prior to my wedding. It, of course, didn't work. I didn't let it. I had more important things on my mind. Getting married, procreating, enjoying life. Been there, done that, next! I think I was the doctor's first 350 pound pregnant woman. I couldn't even be weighed on the scales in the office....they only went to 300 pounds. I've just realized that I've blogged a bit on my other blog about my WW journey, so I'll just put links to those here for you to click on to read. Much easier than typing it all again! Just click on the light pink, underlined text and hopefully it'll pop up.

My story, the beginning.

This was the first, yes, the very first time I EVER fought temptation. It meant a lot to me for sure.

There might be more that I'll find and add later.

This picture was taken at church. It's the one that I cut myself out of for the picture you saw above. It's important for me to share the whole picture though. When it arrived and I saw it (that was before the digital days you know!), I was mortified. I took up almost half the picture! My husband, not a small man, seemed dwarfed by me. I cried. This picture was never put out for people to see. I was just too embarrassed.

It's out on my wall now. This past summer my boys were all back in Michigan and we had a family picture taken for the first time since this infamous one above. I had the photographer pose us in the exact same pose. I had both framed together and they're proudly on my wall now. I think you can see why!

There is a lot more I want to share about my journey, and my day to day struggles. This is a good start though I think!