Saturday, December 5, 2009

The hardest thing in my life

has been trying to lose weight and keep what I've managed to lose off.

Yep, it has been.

I'm feeling very deprived right now. I'm craving things I shouldn't have. I want freedom from the planning. I'm hungry. Really hungry, not just urges or cravings. I went to bed early the last two nights as I was just out and out hungry and I couldn't face feeling like that any longer. I want to feel like a normal person. You know, the person who eats what their body needs and doesn't think about food all day long? The person that says 'Oh I want some chocolate so bad', and then has one piece and is satisfied. I'm not that person but I sure wish I could be. My friend keeps 2 jars of chocolate on her coffee table. M & M's mind you...and she doesn't eat them all daily! How the hell does she do that??? I guess I'm just wired differently. I'd like to be the person that sits down to dinner very hungry and eats until she's satisfied. I'm not that person. I sit down to dinner hungry and I usually finish dinner hungry.

I want 'real' food. I love trying new recipes. I want food that tastes good. I don't want food that tastes slimmed down. I want it to BE slimmed down, I just don't want it to taste that way.

I need to find some different veg I like to help bulk up my meals. I need to find a breakfast that will fill me up. People eat oatmeal and say it sticks with them for hours. I even switched to steel cut oats...I eat the whole serving and am still hungry. Yes, I do put fruit in it. I just want my tummy to be not empty for once!!!!

Maybe I'm so used to being full I just don't understand satisfied.

My mind is pretty much always on food. I'm planning it, eating it, wanting to eat it, fighting myself from eating it...get the drift? I'm not sure how to get food off my mind.

When I'm not following a weight loss program I don't think about food all the time. I know I don't have to. I can wait until I get hungry and grab anything to eat. Anything good that is. I'd rather go hungry than eat something icky. Problem with all that is when I'm not on a weight loss program I gain weight. A lot of weight. A freaking lot of weight!

So, my options are to think about food all day long & feel deprived, or don't think about food and gain weight. That sucks.

Perhaps I'm in the 'oh poor me' mode. I just am having such a hard time getting back in the groove. Oh, I'm in it, but I want to jump track about 40 times a day if not more! It's hard when you have to fight yourself like that. I'm so envious of all you out there that are rolling along a lot more smoothly than I am. I think it's because I've been at it for so many years. I'm freaking tired of it! I don't like being forced into things and I'm forced into this. If I don't do this I'll weigh 400 pounds again. I do not want that. In fact, I'm not happy with 200 pounds. I was under that until I quit thinking about food for a few weeks a few weeks ago!

I smoked 4 packs of cigarettes a day and quit. Oh sure, it took me more than one try, but I did quit and I won't go back. I can't even tell you when I finally quit for good. I think it was over 10 years ago. I don't want a cigarette right now. I sure want some bacon, mac & cheese, lasagna, biscuits with butter and honey, fried eggs, and the list goes on.

I'm going on a 10 day road trip in a few weeks. I'm going to see all my grand babies and get love and snuggles that I so desperately need. What's mainly on my mind? Food of course. I want Chinese and Buccilli's when I'm home. Not bad out of 10 days you might think. What about the other 8? How will I keep myself from chucking it all in and eating all my favorite road snacks? What? You don't have favorite road snacks? Pfffft what's a road trip without Frito's???? OMG I'm scared to death that I'll gain a ton on this 10 day journey. I so desperately don't want to. I want to be in control...I just don't know how. I just know the trip will include fast food places. I know they all have salad, but that doesn't fill even a portion of the hole. What am I going to eat on this freaking trip to ensure I don't gain 20 pounds???

I started 2009 at 214.2 pounds. So, I'm roughly 10 pounds less than I was at the beginning of the year. My goal is to lose some each year. This 10 day road trip could easily derail that wish. I can't stay on program eating fast food on the road, but that's what's affordable and quick and where my traveling partner will want to go. I need a plan for sure. I gained 12.8 pounds in 2 weeks this summer. Oh, I've got gaining down to a fine art! I've only had one year ever that I gained more than I lost and I hate thinking about it. It's gnawed at my insides constantly and I swore it would never happen again. It's close to that why can't I just get my act together? What the hell is wrong with me????

That is all.



  1. Great post. Could relate to lots of things. Especially the hunger. I am always thinking about food too.

    We are wired different. I am more and more convinced that this thing centers in my mind. No matter what my ass says.

    Goood luck on the road trip. Moderation, easy to recommned, so hard to do..right?

    Thanks for this post.

  2. Food is ALWAYS on my mind too. I always was a big eater. The bigger the bowl, plate, or scoop the better. I thought about this last night as I ate my couscous w/chicken and veggies. It looked like a meal that I would have sat and dug into back in the old days. The scary thing is that it made me smile...I like feeling like I was pigging out. YET I WAS NOT! I think that will always be in me...I just need to keep that bingeing person at bay with healthier more filling meals. I almost could not finish dinner last night but then I did. lol :)

    Being OP when we go out on vacation or a road trip is hard, I'm not gonna lie. I fly down to see my brother next Friday (only a short 1hr 20 min flight down to San Diego but I am packing a sandwich so I skip the airport restaurants. My bag will be packed with healthy snacks for the weekend. Dinner on Friday is suppose to be at a pub that we are meeting friends at but my brother told me that we can eat BEFORE we go so we can eat healthy (whatabrother!) and Saturday is a big catered party with Italian food! YIKES So You are NOT alone when it comes to thinking about food...Im already planning NEXT weekend! :)

    So I wrote a BOOK! lol Sorry....but I wanted you to know its not easy, its a job and you are not alone! :) xoxo pixie hugs!

  3. four packs a day!!! hawt... you can do this, you are tougher than all of us put together.

  4. I think some people just ARE wired differently. Stephen could just not bother to eat all day and he'd never give it a thought. I'd be ravenous by 10am and I was always like that even before I was diabetic.

  5. I'm so understanding you.
    I too cant have something next to me and not eat it.
    today for example, I was all motivated to keep to my plan. I ask hubby to buy me a *handful* of sweets I like at the xmas market, he buys about 100gs or more - so what do I do...knowing its about 10 points in that packet, I keep eating - I cant stop, my mind says STOP, but my hands keeps going in till the packet was finished.
    Have I not learned at this stage of my journey...doesnt seem like it, and now I am fearful for regaining as I see how easily this can happen if I keep going on like this.

  6. Wow,
    I am so glad you posted this. I can relate on so many levels! I followed Weight Watchers, but am now calorie counting. I felt so burned out on tracking, weighing, measuring, points, etc..but I'm basically doing the same thing calorie counting. I too wish that I could be satisfied after each meal, but I'm always hungry. I'm constantly thinking about what is going into my mouth! Why can't I just be like a normal person?! Will the battle ever end?!

  7. why is it some of us get such incredible joy from eating and eating. I don't know pix...but I LOVE eating. and this whole experience has been one of sacrifice for me.

    I look at it like I had my fun. I just had it all ahead of time, and now I am paying the check. It sounds grim, but it keeps me motivated.

    Hang in there Deb.