Stay the course

Those are words you hear often.

Stick with it for the long haul. It's not an over night thing. You didn't gain it over night you're not going to take it off over night. Sound familiar? Sure it does. Make sense? Of course. Easy to hear/practice/do/act on for 40 years? Hell no!!!

I am having a most difficult time lately as most of you know. My friends want to help. TBM wants to help. Can they? Ah no. Why not? They're not me. They don't know what's in my head, or in my heart. I got an email last week from a well meaning reader. They said I was being lazy. I was being a baby. I needed to suck it up and just get on with it. Thanks. That helped a lot. NOT!

Let me try to explain. Most of you are on some sort of weight loss program. There are different phases as we all know. Let me tell you, the honeymoon is over here! Compare my weight loss journey to a job. You start a job. You work 30 years and then you retire. I began my weight loss journey over 40+ years ago. That's a frick of a long time to do something. I was trying to explain to my friend the other day. He said but you weren't on Weight Watchers all that 40 years. No, correct. My first attempt at Weight Watchers wasn't until 1977. There has never been a year in there anywhere that I wasn't on Weight Watchers for all or part of the year. Not one. So, that's over 33 years right there. I want my pension!!!!!

I want to stress here that I'm not giving up. I'm not throwing in the towel. I'm just trying to explain what is in my heart and my mind. I really believe we all learn from each other here and this is my forum to try to get out there what I can't say with words.

Here are the facts:

The fact is I've lost over 160 pounds and I certainly don't want to gain it back.

The fact is, my Weight Watcher goal is 150 pounds.

The fact, in fact the most important fact is, I'm fine where I'm at right now....for now.

Oh yes, all you ass kickers out there may suck in a breath of disgust. You may tell me to suck it up and pull up my big girl panties. You're wasting your breath. That doesn't work for me. It works when I tell myself that, but not when others tell me that.

The next fact is I'd like to weigh 20 pounds less than I do right now. Just not right now. I really feel that is where I'd be happy for the rest of my life. Yes, 184 pounds would be really fat still. I don't really give a rats ass. I'm not out to impress. I've got flab and rolls that aren't going to go away even if I get to goal weight without surgery. Do I want to face surgery to tuck and tighten? I used to and that's a fact Jack. Right now I'm facing surgery on my hands, both of them. I'm facing surgery on my shoulder. I'm sure I'll be facing surgery on my knees down the road. I'm facing an immanent surgery to hoist up some bladder and bowel parts in the female area. I think that's enough cutting! The fat and flab is just going to have to dangle. I'm OK with that now. I never used to be.

I can just hear some of you saying 'Oh she's making excuses'. Maybe I am. Mostly I'm just trying to get across what I'm feeling. Not an easy task sometimes as you all know.

I'm tired boys and girls. After 40+ years of counting points, weighing and measuring, thinking about every bite that goes into my mouth. I need a new plan. I need to not think of being on my diet or off my diet. I need to quit thinking diet.

I need to not gain back what I lost and that's a must. That's not giving up in my book. The hardest part of losing weight is keeping it off. So, in my book, if I can keep off what I've lost, I'm still fighting the fight.

I'm 51 years old. No, that's not ready for the nursing home yet. It is, however, old enough to enjoy a few things. I want to have a dessert without a panic attack. I want to go to lunch with a friend without either A. being pissed off that they chose a place that wasn't 100% WW friendly, or B. feeling deprived and sorry for myself sitting there with my lettuce leaf and a toothpick while they have a burger. C. I want a glass of wine now and then. Yes, I realize that Weight Watchers gives me those options. Not without a lot of thinking, and writing, and measuring and planning. I want a break from all that. I want to fix a meal and just sit down with a normal portion and enjoy it without first weighing it all out. I just want to be normal. Ya, I know, that probably is a boat that already sailed!!!

I need input here. Ideas. I have some...I need more. Yes, I'm desperate. I need a plan I can live with right now.

When all this was rolling around in my mind yesterday, giving up my blog was the first thing that entered my mind. I mean if I'm not on Weight Watchers, what's the point right? My blog helps me so much. Reading all your blogs helps me tons. More than you'll probably ever know. I take it all in and I learn. I commiserate with some, I hope to encourage some. I just love all you guys! Group hug here! Everyone isn't on Weight Watchers. Some people are just trying to maintain. Some people are holding on by a thread. Raising hand and waving it frantically here!

So, I need a plan of action. I'm still working on it. I have to find something that will keep me from going off the deep end, but with a minimum of thinking. My brain is fried with all this pain crap I'm going through. I need to find a way to deal with that before I can commit back to 100% weight loss. I just do.

Help me with ideas here people. Add to my list...help me make a plan that I can live with and that will work for me. Here's what I've got so far.

Make sure each day includes the following:
3 milk servings
6 fruit and veg servings
whole grains, lean protein, water
3 servings of healthy oil in the form of oil (doh), natural peanut butter, avocado, or almonds.
No hydrogenated oils
no white bread, rice, or pasta...well 99% of the time.

Make sure 3 days a week includes exercise, building to 5 days a week.

I have a few more ideas...but this blog just got way too long. Gotta go tie the knot in my rope.

:-)

Pixie rants

That's right, Fat Daddy isn't the only one that can rant. Oh, he might do it better...but I'm up for the challenge.

You'll have to read about it on my other blog though as it has nothing to do with De-Puffing the Pixie!

Today is my weigh in. Two and a half more hours until I know if all my efforts this week will be rewarded.

The scale can be my friend, or it can be my mortal enemy. Oh, I tell myself that I won't give the scale the power to play with my emotions. I lie. It has a power beyond comprehension. Sometimes I toy with the thought of weighing only once a month. I don't think I could do that. I think I need the accountability of a weekly weigh.

Something happened a while back that I've been thinking about ever since. Some of you might remember I went on a girls get away with my very good friend Mary K. We went to Clearwater beach and stayed at the awesome Hilton for 2 days. Swimming pools, jacuzzi, ocean, cabana boys...oops how did that get in there? We had a fabulous time. I took healthy snacks and had a plan. Part of my plan was to attend my Weight Watcher meeting while I was there. We got up that first morning and had coffee and chatted. I love cookies with my coffee, always have. I enjoyed a fiber one bar instead. They are so good and chocolatey, a real treat. I had my WW yogurt and Special K high protein cereal. We got dressed and off we went to the meeting.

I had done awesome that week and was excited to step on the scale. The lady said 'you're up a little'. My heart crashed to my toes. How could that be? I was on program. I exercised. I was a good girl. I pretended it didn't bother me. It did. A lot. I slunk to my seat and peeked into my book and saw a 1.2 pound gain. I was gutted.

I'm sure you can all see where this is going and how the sad tale ended. I gave up. I was on holiday and I was going to enjoy. I ate crab. All you can eat crab. I can eat a lot. I ate a lot of other things too. We came home after 2 days, but the bad attitude came with me. I ate for the rest of the week. I said screw it, it's not worth the effort, and I ate the following week too. I went to my WW meeting 2 weeks later fatter and bloated. I gained 10.2 pounds that week.

Now, the crux of the situation. There's always a crux you know?

I didn't gain 1.2 pounds at all! Upon looking at my book at a later date, I noticed the error. I weighed 198.6 the week before our trip. When I weighed in at that meeting that fateful day, I weighed 197.4. Somehow, the computer wrote + 1.2 instead of -1.2. An error...a freaking error.

This has stayed with me all that time. What would have happened if the computer spit out the sticker that said I'd lost 1.2? Would I have continued on my healthy plan and prevented the eating frenzy? Probably.

Wow, that's a lot of power I'm giving to a scale.

I rarely weigh myself between my official WW weigh ins. I know how weight can fluctuate. It's not worth the mental angst for me to weigh daily. My main problem with this is my weight seems to dip mid week and then raise a bit before the week is out. So, if I weigh myself on Sunday and it shows I'm down a few pounds...I'll think 'ohhhhh by Tuesday I should be down some more'!!! It doesn't happen that way with me. Tuesday I'll hop on the scale expecting more than I saw on Sunday and it's always less so I'm disappointed. I might have lost, but it's less than what I thought, so it's not good. I learned from that, and like I said, I rarely weigh myself during the week because of that.

I was feeling quite thin the other day so I hopped on the scale. I was up 2 pounds. Gutted? Yep. I flew out of the bathroom and took out my frustration on Ian. I screeched even. 'I DON'T KNOW WHY I BOTHER TO BE GOOD IF I'M GOING TO GAIN WEIGHT ANYWAY!!! I MIGHT AS WELL EAT WHAT I WANT AND ENJOY THE GAIN!!' I then stormed out of the house leaving him to scratch his head and wonder what the hell that was all about.

I managed to bitch slap myself into submission and get hold of the situation. I told myself that I KNOW the scale goes up and down and chastised myself heartily for getting on the beast mid week. I reminded myself of the 1.2 pound gain/loss fiasco and told myself that the week wasn't over and the fat lady wasn't singing just yet. I stayed on program. It was hard and it all could have been avoided by not getting on the stupid scale in the first place!

It's not practical for me to say I'm not going to get on the scale ever again. It is unfortunately how I choose to measure my success. Not the only way of course, but the tangible way. The way that will allow me to reach my WW goal and be able to attend meetings free for the rest of my life. I need those meetings, so the scale and I must learn to play nicey nicey.

Sometimes I hate it. Sometimes I love it. We're in a rocky relationship for sure, but we're in it for the long haul. I am learning to not give it the power. I won this week. Doing things once makes it easier to repeat. I pray that it will be good to me today in a few hours. If not, I'll kick it up a notch and hope for a better outcome next week. I'm nothing if not stubborn!

:-)

Thinking thoughts

Goals. Mantras. Mindset. Sex.

Oh OK, so that last one isn't supposed to be in there....what's a Pixie to do?

I realized yesterday I don't have a goal anymore. I said I was going to think about it yesterday, but oops. That didn't happen. I'm doing it now. Right here in front of you. Yep, I'm thinking on the fly as I type!

I had goals before. I reached them all. I think for me, it has to be in the semantics. One of my goals was to get under 200. I did. It lasted one week. In fact, I did it twice. Once back in the 90's and again this summer. Sometimes I'm so thick.

My goals have changed. My goal before was to reach my 'goal weight'. WW says that's about 140ish. If I stand real tall and wear big hair, it could be 150. I'm 5'4&1/2. 5'5 lets me be OK at 150...so of course, 150 is what I chose. Not so much anymore. I don't desire to weigh 150. Maybe that's why I'm having so much trouble right now. I know I don't care about 150...so what do I want?

If I don't have a goal to shoot for, all my effort is just that. Effort.

I'm goal orientated. I strive to reach a goal and am willing to work hard to get there. To do something without a goal is just doing it. It's trudgery(I'm submitting it to Webster as we speak) and just plain hard work for no reward at the end.

It's a glorified list and you all know I'm the queen of list making!!!!

I also know for a fact I need mini goals. One huge race to the finish isn't Pixies game. I get bored in the middle and want to lay down and take a nap instead of sprint to the finish.

I also know I need an end goal. I learned that the hard way. That's going to be the sticky part as like I said, I'm not interested in reaching 150 anymore I don't think. I just want to be comfortable in my skin. I want to be healthy. I want to be kinda fit.

I've come a long way. My goals have become fuzzy...hell they've disappeared. My journey is now a trod. Who wants to trod when you can run? Not me.

So, without further ado. My goals.

Short term goals:

1. Get under 200 pounds AND STAY THERE FOR FRICK SAKE!
a. There, it's now written Rosanna. It shall be done.
b. My goal is to keep this body under 200 pounds all of 2010. What a concept!
c. Crap that means I need to GET under 200 before 2010!!!
2. Exercise 3 days a week for 30 minutes each.
a. Gotta start somewhere.

That's it. Bet you thought there would be more. Bet you thought they'd be earth shaking and news worthy. Nope, short, sweet, do-able and sustainable is what I was shooting for here!

Yo-yo dieting isn't good for the bod. So, let's get this gelatinous heap under 200 and keep it there. We can go further after that. Need to reach one goal before I can start the next!

Long term goals:

1. Weigh 168 pounds AND STAY THERE.
a. No longer obese. 'Just' overweight.
b. That will be my 200 pounds off. Nice round number.
2. Exercise 5 days a week for 40-60 minutes each.
a. Should be sustainable.

I think this is going to do it for now. I can't overwhelm myself. I'm too old for that shit. I just want to be comfortable. My biggest change with these goals and all the ones I've made in the past is with the addition of the words 'AND STAY THERE'! That would be a true goal...get there and stay there. When I reach these goals and they become sustainable, I can re-evaluate then. It ain't over til it's over!

My Mantra has just popped into my head.

Do what it takes.

My mantra will play out like this:
Debby wants chocolate. Debby will immediately say mantra to herself. 'Do what it takes'. Debby still wants chocolate. Debby will now say mantra out loud. 'Do what it takes'. Debby still wants chocolate. Debby now will be firm and say out loud, 'Do what it takes. Is this what it takes? I thought not. Step away from the frickin chocolate and get a hold of yourself you spineless bitch'. Ya, I can get tough with myself like that!!! Sometimes it works and sometimes I get pissed off and eat despite myself. Go figure!

Do what it takes.

:-)

Are you a ripper?

When you have a bandage that needs removing, are you a 'rip it off fast' kind of person? Or, are you like me, the 'work it off slowly and gently' type?

I was reading a most excellent blog this morning. I didn't enjoy reading it as it was telling me things I didn't really want to hear. Ya, ya, call me an ostrich, I don't really care!

Susan was blogging about food addiction and a way to overcome it. A way that I didn't like, and I certainly didn't want to hear. She has cut out all the foods that trigger her into over eating from her diet. Wow...talk about radical eh? She's given up moderation as that didn't work for her. Ultimately we all have to find what works for us and what doesn't. Trial and error.

Will I do that? Probably not. Would I like to? You bet. Wouldn't it be awesome to sail through a day and not fight with yourself about what you will or will not eat? I mean really, how cool it would be to crave say, oh I don't know, MAC AND CHEESE MAYBE??? Then just tell yourself, oh my, I can't crave that as I don't eat cheese anymore. Silly me. Then, magically have the craving go away! Yes, give me the pen and I'll be signing on the dotted line for sure!

I was overwhelmed reading Susan's blog. Thinking I'm so glad it worked for her but it's just too much for me. I can't possibly do that, I don't even want to. I'm too old to change. Then I realized I have changed a little.

I've cut out white pasta and white rice from my diet. Rip.

I've cut out all hydrogenated oils. Yes, that's right, no cool whip for this Pixie. No Coffee Mate either and believe me that was difficult to give up. I don't miss it at all. Not one little bit, not even a smidge. I use powdered milk in my coffee now. I get half a milk serving, I'm not poisoning my body with trans fats, and I feel good about it. Rip.

So, maybe I'm just a little slower than most. Maybe I can cut out the bad stuff from my diet and not go back to it. Maybe I just approach dieting like I do taking a bandage off. I don't rip that sucker off, I peel it ever so slowly and gently.

Maybe I need to focus on one thing. One thing that gives me problems and makes me crazy. Get rid of that one thing until I don't miss it anymore at all, and then move on to something else. Rip.

That one thing doesn't have to be a food item either. It could be a bad habit. Anything we do to improve our lives has to be good right? Even if it doesn't have to do with our diet, it could still affect our diet outcome. Just knowing that you can do something, conquer something, could make it easier to tackle the next problem.

I've been feeling overwhelmed lately as you all know. I read Susan's blog and half way through I felt like a real failure. Then I kept reading. I realized that I am doing something and something is better than nothing. Go me! I need to find the positive in every situation. I don't like negative.

I'm going to sit down today and make some goals for my life. The sun is shining and I'm happy.

Maybe, just maybe, a little more of that bandage will give today.

:-)

The hardest thing in my life

has been trying to lose weight and keep what I've managed to lose off.

Yep, it has been.

I'm feeling very deprived right now. I'm craving things I shouldn't have. I want freedom from the planning. I'm hungry. Really hungry, not just urges or cravings. I went to bed early the last two nights as I was just out and out hungry and I couldn't face feeling like that any longer. I want to feel like a normal person. You know, the person who eats what their body needs and doesn't think about food all day long? The person that says 'Oh I want some chocolate so bad', and then has one piece and is satisfied. I'm not that person but I sure wish I could be. My friend keeps 2 jars of chocolate on her coffee table. M & M's mind you...and she doesn't eat them all daily! How the hell does she do that??? I guess I'm just wired differently. I'd like to be the person that sits down to dinner very hungry and eats until she's satisfied. I'm not that person. I sit down to dinner hungry and I usually finish dinner hungry.

I want 'real' food. I love trying new recipes. I want food that tastes good. I don't want food that tastes slimmed down. I want it to BE slimmed down, I just don't want it to taste that way.

I need to find some different veg I like to help bulk up my meals. I need to find a breakfast that will fill me up. People eat oatmeal and say it sticks with them for hours. I even switched to steel cut oats...I eat the whole serving and am still hungry. Yes, I do put fruit in it. I just want my tummy to be not empty for once!!!!

Maybe I'm so used to being full I just don't understand satisfied.

My mind is pretty much always on food. I'm planning it, eating it, wanting to eat it, fighting myself from eating it...get the drift? I'm not sure how to get food off my mind.

When I'm not following a weight loss program I don't think about food all the time. I know I don't have to. I can wait until I get hungry and grab anything to eat. Anything good that is. I'd rather go hungry than eat something icky. Problem with all that is when I'm not on a weight loss program I gain weight. A lot of weight. A freaking lot of weight!

So, my options are to think about food all day long & feel deprived, or don't think about food and gain weight. That sucks.

Perhaps I'm in the 'oh poor me' mode. I just am having such a hard time getting back in the groove. Oh, I'm in it, but I want to jump track about 40 times a day if not more! It's hard when you have to fight yourself like that. I'm so envious of all you out there that are rolling along a lot more smoothly than I am. I think it's because I've been at it for so many years. I'm freaking tired of it! I don't like being forced into things and I'm forced into this. If I don't do this I'll weigh 400 pounds again. I do not want that. In fact, I'm not happy with 200 pounds. I was under that until I quit thinking about food for a few weeks a few weeks ago!

I smoked 4 packs of cigarettes a day and quit. Oh sure, it took me more than one try, but I did quit and I won't go back. I can't even tell you when I finally quit for good. I think it was over 10 years ago. I don't want a cigarette right now. I sure want some bacon, mac & cheese, lasagna, biscuits with butter and honey, fried eggs, and the list goes on.

I'm going on a 10 day road trip in a few weeks. I'm going to see all my grand babies and get love and snuggles that I so desperately need. What's mainly on my mind? Food of course. I want Chinese and Buccilli's when I'm home. Not bad out of 10 days you might think. What about the other 8? How will I keep myself from chucking it all in and eating all my favorite road snacks? What? You don't have favorite road snacks? Pfffft what's a road trip without Frito's???? OMG I'm scared to death that I'll gain a ton on this 10 day journey. I so desperately don't want to. I want to be in control...I just don't know how. I just know the trip will include fast food places. I know they all have salad, but that doesn't fill even a portion of the hole. What am I going to eat on this freaking trip to ensure I don't gain 20 pounds???

I started 2009 at 214.2 pounds. So, I'm roughly 10 pounds less than I was at the beginning of the year. My goal is to lose some each year. This 10 day road trip could easily derail that wish. I can't stay on program eating fast food on the road, but that's what's affordable and quick and where my traveling partner will want to go. I need a plan for sure. I gained 12.8 pounds in 2 weeks this summer. Oh, I've got gaining down to a fine art! I've only had one year ever that I gained more than I lost and I hate thinking about it. It's gnawed at my insides constantly and I swore it would never happen again. It's close to that now....so why can't I just get my act together? What the hell is wrong with me????

That is all.

:-)

Getting creative

Yep, look at me getting all creative even before my coffee is finished!!!

Here's the scoop.

I gained .6 pounds last week. Pissed me off. Could have of course been worse. So, Pixie needed a plan as usual.

Got up this morning and made a few daily goals for myself. Simple, but hopefully enough to give my day some structure and give me something to shoot for and then a feeling of accomplishment when I'm finished.

They were:
1. Plan my food for the whole day and eat everything I've planned.
2. Decorate the tin box for Christmas.
3. Walk my whole 3K route I mapped out for myself.
4. Make and hang one set of curtains for the living room.
5. Tidy something, anything!

Not too bad really...got all day to do it in. How does the getting creative come in? Well, with my meal planning. Took me over half an hour to figure it all out this morning.

I don't like veg as you all know so I have to find ways to get it in. When I'm planning my meals I usually plan in the veg/fruit/milk & healthy oils first and then build around them. If I don't plan them in, I won't eat them.

I'm over 50 now so need 3 milks a day. That's 6 points if I drink milk which is a freaking lot of my points! I usually opt for Weight Watchers yogurt. It is only 1 point and it fulfills a milk requirement. It's good too...so a win win. I drink powdered milk in my coffee every morning also. As you probably know I've cut hydrogenated oils from my diet as they're bad mojo. All coffee creamer powders have hydrogenated oil. I loved my coffee mate, but I gave it up. I don't like skim milk in my coffee or any fat free liquid creamers. They cool my coffee down and I just don't like them. I found an awesome substitute in plain old powdered milk. Oh, the first time I tried it I wasn't happy. I love it now and it's 1/2 of a milk requirement for me to boot! I use 1/4 cup of the powder in my 4 cups of coffee every morning. Another win win swap for the Pixie...the creative Pixie!

So, today I planned my food. I started with a new recipe for dinner. Put it through the recipe builder and it came to 8 points. A lot really, but I started planning around that anyway. By the time I got everything in, I was well over my daily points. Time to start cutting stuff out.

I went back to the recipe and looked for ways to lighten it up. I did. From 8 points to 5 points! Wow!!!

I was going to have tuna for lunch. That was 3 points. I changed it to 2 ounces of shrimp instead for 1 point. Woohooo that let me add peanut butter to my breakfast. Man this is getting fun now!

I had a whole banana planned with my breakfast. Cut that to half a banana and added some of my awesome FAF for a treat sometime today.

With all my cuts and jiggying around, I went from being 5 points over on the day to 2 points under! I like to leave a few points to play with as I ALWAYS want a treat at night. If I don't allow for that, I'll go over on my points. I can't plan my treat now as I don't know what I want. Usually popcorn or pretzels...but ya never know! So, here it is only 7am and I've got all my food planned. I've got my daily activities planned too.

Now, it's written, just gotta follow through. I think it's easier to follow through when it's written.

I'm going to share my food plan for today as looking at it, it looks like a ton of food and it makes me happy!

Breakfast:
4T powdered milk for coffee -1
1 Weight Watcher yogurt
1/2 banana & 1/2 cup frozen strawberries(0) with Splenda-1
1 whole wheat english muffin-2
1T peanut butter-2
Total: 6 points

Lunch:
lettuce-0
2T Bolthouse blue cheese dressing- 1
shredded carrots-0
2 ounces shrimp- 1
whole wheat pita-2
1 teaspoon olive oil-1 (going to bake the pita with the olive oil and garlic so I have pita chips)
1/2 cup fat free cottage cheese- 1.5
Total points: 6.5

Dinner:
Whole wheat pasta with baby spinach, sausage, and cannellini beans- 5
sugar free jell-o with diced peaches- 0
1/2 cup strawberries with splenda and 1T fat free Reddi Whip-0

Snacks:
FAF- 2
Weight Watchers yogurt with 1/4 cup all bran buds- 1.5
Total: 3.5

How's that for creative????

:-)

If it makes my life easier

I want it.

My kitchen here is the size of a postage stamp. It's not a lot of fun cooking for one person. Sometimes I want something simple, but still filling and tasty. So, quick, easy, tasty, hmmmmmmmm.

At my WW meeting a few weeks ago, a lady from my park said she had a recipe for soup that her husband even likes. I love soup, though it usually takes me hours to make a pot. Want it tasty remember? I just made her soup. It was filling, tasty, easy as hell, and 2 points a serving. What an excellent thing to have before a meal to curb your appetite. For me, it was my lunch as I needed something light because I want to do my walk soon. It wasn't all that light though as I'm full right now.

Here you go....

8 CAN SOUP

1 can hormel turkey chili no beans
1 can hormel turkey chili with beans
1 can green beans
1 can mixed vegetables
1 can Rotel tomatoes
1 can diced tomatoes
1 can diced potatoes
1 can corn

That's it. Dump it in a pot and you have soup. I made 10 2 point servings out of it for about 1-1/4 cup each. I didn't drain the cans as I couldn't remember what she said. It tasted pretty good so I'm guessing don't drain the cans. I didn't even heat it before dividing it into 10 servings. After I was all done dividing, I put my one serving in a pan and heated just that.

How easy is that???? Thank you Joann!!!

:-)