New Girl

Yep, so I'm the new girl.

Went back to Weight Watchers last night. To a meeting where nobody knew me. Didn't give my 'secret' away. Felt awesome.

I've gained 40ish pounds. Fuck me sideways.

Left the meeting all invigorated. Went to bed in doubt about today. Why?

Simple. Let me give you a little glimpse into my mind. Hold someones hand, it's a scary place.

Left the meeting fired up.

Went to the store after dinner to get a few essentials for today as TBM has to work at 9:30 and I don't want to keep the truck. Still fired up.

Got home, played on the computer, still fired up.

Thought pops into my head. There's a half a loaf of Portuguese bread in the drawer and butter in the fridge. Maybe I should wait one more day to begin the diet. You know, eat that. It's really good and was expensive, don't want to waste it. Not fair to feed it to TBM as he needs to lose a C note or two. Not so fired up now....

TBM is in the kitchen setting the coffee pot for morning...he springs out into the apartment and says to me "Did you know there's a bag of potato chips in the pantry?! Wavy chips! They're wavy chips! Did you know this?" Um, no, but I do now asshat. Thank you very much. NOW all I can think about are those F'ing wavy Lays in the pantry. Definitely not so fired up now.

Much easier to just take one more day off...plan a menu today...get organized for tomorrow.

OMG do you see the horrors of my mind??? WHY does my mind work like that. Do any of your minds work like that? I can't possibly be the only F'd up person in the weight loss world am I???

At this exact moment. I can't honestly tell you that it's going to be OK. I'm fighting myself. I'm like a drug addict with food.

I'm not sure who's winning.

Ya, they don't all end upbeat!

:-)

Tonight's the night

Though I do love Rod Stewart, I don't think we're exactly talking about the same thing here.

Tonight is the night I go back to Weight Watchers. Ya, that just doesn't quite compare to what old Rod was crooning about...but it's what is in my future.

I have thoughts about tonight though, and since I'm not a singer (shut it Ian!), I'll just write.

I wrote the other day about needing to do things a bit different. I mean, obviously something wasn't quite working the old way...so I need to shake it up a bit.

I'm going to a meeting tonight where nobody knows me. There is one right here in my town, so why am I driving 50 miles to another one? Well, firstly, because I don't like the meeting here. I like the leader, I don't like the members. They're the same old members that have been there since the 70's. They're not upbeat. They're sad sacks. The room is awful. It's a huge, cavernous room that echos. You can't hear well. It's clique-y. I don't like that. Not because I'm not part of it, I am, but that's not how I roll. I want to meet new people, hear their stories, bring them into the group. That's not allowed.

Most important, they know me. Why does that matter? What is the main reason I'm going somewhere that nobody knows me? Well, because they know me. They know my story. All my troubles are discounted. I'm obviously floundering, but I'll receive no help because they know how far I've come. They don't see that I need help. I'm the helper not the helpee. I just want to be one of the crowd. I want to be the new girl that is having problems. I don't want to be the girl that has lost over 100 pounds.

There was always a rush when the leader would ask me to share my story. The minute I did, however, I was not one of them anymore. I wasn't someone that was struggling to lose weight, I was someone that did it. Kind of like workers and management. I wasn't finished, but that didn't matter. We'd be talking about difficulties, and I wasn't really allowed to join in.

I want the new person help. When I say my eating is out of control, I want ideas of what to do, how to stop it. I don't want rolled eyes and 'oh you'll get it, you always do', and then the topic switches to something else.

I can't talk to my non weight watching friends about this. They don't want to hear it. They don't understand. I'm boring them to death. They're like 'well just do it. Why do you need Weight Watchers...'. I'm sure some of you get the same thing.

I'm excited about my meeting tonight. I know I can share that with you and you'll get it.

I'm so pumped about being the new girl. The girl that wants to lose 50-90 pounds. The girl that will celebrate each 5 pound mark with gusto. Those little celebrations are like gold to me. I was cheated out of them. I had lost 170 pounds, so when I got another star...it was a ho hum response when the leader presented it. Tonight is a chance for me to start over.

Tonights the night. It's gonna be alright. Ain't nobody gonna stop me now.

:-)

Weight Watchers Works

Oh hell yes it does.

OK, here's the history. I know WW works as I've been there, and done that. I've joined WW and I lost weight.

I fell off the program, and I gained weight.

I joined WW again, and I lost weight.

As you all know, I'm going back to meetings this week. I need them. I can't do this alone...ya I know, I'm needy...what can I say?

I got this email from Florine Mark today...oh ya...we're BFF's ya know? So, I read what she had to say. Then, I actually thought about what she said, then I thought 'holy shit she's really said something here'. Here's what Flo said to me. I thought it was deep. Read it...think about it yourself.

Just about everyone faces setbacks in life. But part of success is dealing with and ultimately, learning from our failures. Persistence is important, but repeating the same actions over and over again probably won’t get you any closer to your objective. Look at your previous unsuccessful efforts and decide what to change. Keep making adjustments, using your experience as a guide. Never give up!

OMG, it's so true. Yes, Weight Watchers works, but you have to do it right. What's right for me, might not be what's right for you. I have to find what is right for me. I can't go back to meetings this week and do exactly what I did before, because, obviously, that really didn't work. Yes, I lost weight, but I gained it back too. I need to really think about the program and maybe tweak it somehow. Find what works and keep that, and figure out what didn't work and shit can that. Gaining 40 pounds sucks...but at least I can learn something from it.

Oh ya, I got some thinkin and some plannin to do.

:-)

Can you be bribed?

I wish I could.

Can you bribe yourself to 'be good' with some sort of reward? The proverbial carrot dangling from the string?

I freaking wish I could. Maybe I need to learn.

I have the wherewithal to tell myself "OK, you stay OP this week and you can buy yourself that brand new Janet Evanovich book for your Kindle'. It sounds good in theory, but it doesn't work that way with me. I either A. half way through the week say 'fuck it, I'll do it next week. I can wait a week for the book.' Or, B. say 'Fuck it, I'll buy the damn book anyway cuz I'm a princess and I can.' See the prob here?

When I was 17 years old and leaving for college. My dad told me that if I lost 100 pounds he'd give me a car. Yep, when the other dads were saying 'now look here princess, don't be putting out to every guy you meet', my dad was bribing me to lose weight. He wasn't worried about me putting out, I mean really....anyway, point is. That car was mine. Oh yes, in my mind I was driving it because all I had to do was lose 100 pounds. Ya, so of course I didn't get the car. I didn't get the brand new wardrobe, I didn't get the 100 bucks for each pound lost either.

So, sitting here all alone (TBM is taking a nap. It's his birthday today, we both have the day off, I thought exciting things would be commencing today. When asked what he wanted to do on his birthday, he replied 'take a nap', and that's just what he did) and wondering about WHY I can't be bribed.

Is it part of the short in my wiring? Is it part of this instant gratification thing? Of course it is. So, perhaps, if I learned to be bribed, I might learn other things? If I learn the patience required for bribery to work, I just might learn a bit more about myself.

I'm going to try it anyway. I'll try anything once!

I WANT that Janet Evanovich book. I want it NOW.

Noting up my sleeve here....I'm going to attempt to bribe myself. I'm going to, well now, right now I AM telling myself the following.

If you:
1. Re-join WW this week AND
2. Track all your food this week AND
3. Exercise formally at least two times AND
4. Post a loss at your next meeting (yes, a scale victory is a must even if you think it's wrong for you)

You may then, and ONLY then, rush home and hit the 'buy now' button on that book. Furthermore, if you don't complete all 4 chores, you may NEVER buy the book. Not next week if you do really good, not the week after if you do triple good, NEVER. You must then wait for your name to come up on the list at the library.

Limits. What a concept.

:-)

Happy Saturday Peeps!

OK all, here's the skinny.

Well, not so skinny. I'm fat! Who knew? My clothes for one. NONE of them fit. Oh yes, I feel so comfortable going out and about in clothes that are too tight.

I'm going back to Weight Watchers meetings starting Wednesday.

I got my work schedule for this week and I'm off Wed and Thursday...convenient as that's when the meetings are eh?

I should be able to do it on my own. I know the program inside out. I've been attending since 1977. The one thing I have learned, is I just am not accountable to myself. That is something I shall work on. It's obviously a blip in my brain sensor somewhere that needs a bit of solder. I've tried to short circuit it with Oreo's and potato chips, but that didn't work!

I hear over and over again that we need to learn why we eat. Why we do the things we do. I don't know. Do you? I mean really, do many of us know WHY we stuff food into our faces? I'm amazed when Jillian Michaels seems to figure it out in a week on her show...maybe she needs to come visit me.

I try to simplify it. Just say that I'm an instant gratification type of girl. I want what I want, when I want it. Nah, it's got to be something more. I just honestly have NO idea what.

I don't eat until I'm sick like I've heard others do.

I don't eat in private, in fact, quite the opposite. I don't give a rats ass who sees me eat a whole pizza...nope, bring on the crowds.

I don't eat, then purge. No, I've NEVER been a purger. I'm selfish. I ate it, it's mine to keep!!!

Do I eat when I'm not really hungry? Yes I do. Why? I don't know.

Do I eat 12 cookies instead of 1? Yes I do. Why? Because they taste good and I like them.

Do I eat a whole bag of potato chips at one sitting? Yes I do. Why? Because I like them and I can.

When I'm eating, if something doesn't taste good, I quit. As soon as the chips don't taste as good as they did, I quit. I then, however, move on to something else. I need to learn to just QUIT!

It's the same with my meals. If I'm eating and it doesn't taste good. I quit. I'll wait until something tastes better. I don't like veg...so I'll try them, they of course suck, so I don't eat them. Ya, I know....I'm a 2 year old. What can I say?

I don't mind being hungry. On the contrary, I like the feeling. So, WTF is wrong with me? Wait, don't answer that!

So, I'm going back to my WW meeting. I'm going to attempt to lose the 40 freaking pounds I gained...along the way I'm going to really pay attention and learn. Learn what you say? Well, even if you didn't, here's what I want to learn.

1. One or two cookies is enough.
2. One slice of peanut butter cake is enough.
3. One lemon bar is enough.
4. One small bowl of potato chips, or any other salty snack is enough.
5. If I'm not hungry, don't eat.
6. I want to learn moderation. I want to know I can eat 'real food' with real people in moderation. One meal. One day. Not 37 meals for 3 months.
7. I want to have a glass of wine for dinner if I want and learn to cut back somewhere else to accommodate that.
8. I want to learn to eat normal.
9. Moderation, moderation, moderation.
10. Did I mention Moderation???

That's all peeps. A Pixie has to do what a Pixie has to do. I need the support of my WW meetings...and all of you of course!

:-)

Tough love = No love?

Mornin peeps.

Oh, before I get started. Water. It was water. I chose to begin my health quest (a-freaking-gain) with water. I put 8 cups of water in a Tupperware fridge container (which btw is a piece of shit and don't ever buy it! It's orange, narrow so it fits in the door of your fridge, but it glugs when you pour it. Always. Even when you're pouring out the last cup, it glugs and the water, well comes out in glugs and splashes. Needs some kind of vent), and I proceeded to drink it all the day before yesterday. When you're not used to drinking water, that was a freakin lot of water! I did it again yesterday, and I intend to do it again today, and tomorrow, and the day after tomorrow....got the idea?

OK, so on to today's topic.

Tough love and weight loss. Tough love and life in general. Do they go hand in hand? Does it motivate you? When you're floundering, either in your diet, or your life, and someone tells you to suck it up, pull up your big girl panties, etc. Does it help or hinder? Discuss.

Oh pick me! I'll go first! Can you just see me in Catholic school, in my desk, bouncing up and down with my hand in the air waving about??? Arnold Horshack in a uniform...OOH! OOH! OOH!

So, for me, it hinders. Hell yes I know I need to suck it up. It's OK for me to tell me to suck it up, etc...but I find that when my friends tell me that, it kind of hurts my feelings. It makes me feel they just don't want to listen to my pain, my problems. It's easier to just brush it off, tell me to suck it up, and go on to happier topics.

We all have pain in our life at some point. We all aren't Suzy Sunshine 100% of the time. I'll admit I'm Debby Does the Happy Dance most of the time, but there are times when I'm just not shooting rays of sunshine out my ass...ya know? That's when I just want my friends to commiserate. Just say 'holy shit, it sucks to be you right now', just go along with me. I'm just venting. I don't do it often, but sometimes I just need to vent.

I know it's not OK to eat a whole cheesecake. OK, so I didn't really do that (I only brought 2 pieces home or I might have though!), but if I had, I think I'd just like my friends to say "Man, why didn't you bring me some", or some such trivial nonsense. I know it doesn't help. I know it was a hell of a lot of fat and calories. I KNOW. I did it anyway. Will I do it again? Most probably. Would someone telling me 'holy shit you moron that was stupid, dont do it again!' help? Nope, not for me it wouldn't. It would just piss me off.

For the most part, my life is idyllic. For the most part. The part that isn't, sucks ass. Sweaty ass. When I unload on my friends my deepest feelings, I just want sympathy. Empathy even if it applies. I don't want them to fix it, to make it better, to change me. I just want hugs, even if they're virtual hugs. I just want to unload, get it off my chest. I'm not a keep it in kind of girl. So, when I get 'grow up, or suck it up, or whatever' that translates in my world as "Holy shit shut up about your problems already I'm sick of listening! You need to quit dwelling on them and let me talk now."

Is that what they mean? Hell no. My friends are the most loving, caring, fantastic people in the whole world. Hell, they've got me...what more could they ask? They love me, they think they're helping. They just don't know how bad it hurts. I got another email from that person that told me to suck it up from my last post...explaining they were just trying to help. They thought tough love would do it. Ya, not so much for me I found!

Am I a twirling in my diaphanous gown with my crown of flowing flowers while my unicorn plays in the posies kind of girl? You bet your ass I am. Sometimes I just want to live in my own dream world. It's so awesome there. You'd love it.

Point is, I'm a positive reinforcement girl. I know not everyone is, but that's how I roll. I'll be more apt to go out and do something if I'm encouraged, than I would if I was ordered. Pain in the ass? Maybe, but I'm worth it.

What floats your boat?

No matter what it is, you're worth it too!

:-)

Listing to one side

I'm a list maker.

Yep, I'm one of those people that loves lists. I'll start out with a long list of tasks, and cross them off one by one when completed. If I do something that isn't on the list, I'll add it to the list so I can cross it off. Ya, I know, but honestly, that's the least of my psychotic foibles!!! The left shoe must always go on first...OK, not going to start down THAT list right now!

I get daily emails from some weight loss gurus. Denise Austin is one. She can be irritating to watch with that smile and bubbly personality....but you have to admit, she's got a bod on her AND she's not a teenager either. Today she talked about small steps and lists. Actually, the topic was 'Rethink your habits one step at a time'. Yes, we've all heard that shit before. Have you ever done it? I really never have I don't think. I've never made a list of everything about my health I want to change. I haven't rethunk my habits.

You see, right now I'm a bit overwhelmed. Everything is wrong again. I don't mean I just started eating sweets...I mean I quit everything. So, the thought of 'getting back on the wagon', just about brings me to my knees. Kind of like I'm not too sure where to begin. I get up in the morning and think OK, let's start. Then I think....where the hell DO I start?????

I'm a big fan of movies. Love my musicals....so....

Let's start at the very beginning. It's a very good place to start. (c'mon sing with me!) When you read you begin with A-B-C......

I'm going to make a list (ohhhh a spreadsheet! I love spreadsheets almost as much as lists! Ya, I know, I'm an F'd up girl!) and start crossing things off one by one. They say that if you do something for 3 weeks, it becomes a habit. Now, I'm not going to take 3 weeks on each thing....but if I do one thing today, that's one more thing than I did yesterday. Tomorrow, if I do that one thing again, maybe I'll try a second thing....always keeping up with the first thing.

Kind of like keeping those plates twirling on the pole. When one falls, it seems they all tumble down...I need to learn that when one plate falls, it doesn't mean I need to sit in the shards. It means I need to whip another plate on that pole and keep twirling.

If one day I don't do one thing, that's no reason not to do all the rest. Capish?

OK, so here's my list, in no particular order mind you. Do you have a list? Have you ever made a list? I highly recommend it.

1. Drink some freaking water. I drink NONE right now. I want to drink 8 cups a day. Holy shit that's a half gallon. OK, breathe. I can do this. One cup at a time. One day at a time.

2. Eat some damn fruit and veg. I'd like to eat a minimum of 2 fruits and 4 veg a day. Right now? Ya, that's right, I eat none. Unless it's fried. I like fried.

3. Quit eating the freaking fried shit. Period.

4. Eat whole grain only. No white rice. No white bread. No pasta that isn't whole grain. Not so hard with all the options today.

5. Cut out the cow. Not totally, just learn to incorporate the fish and the chicken. I eat 0 fish. Zip, nada, zilch. Pretty much same with chicken. If I eat meat, I go bovine. Stop that shit!

6a. Quit the mindless eating. I eat dinner, an hour later I'm hungry again. Bullshit. No way I can be truly hungry and hour after I ate. It's in my head.

6b. If I eat my 3 meals and a snack or two, and those meals and snacks are healthy and substantial, that should do me. I can't eat a slice of toast and a tomato for lunch and expect it to sustain me. C'mon girlfriend...get a clue! Food groups beotch...learn them. Use them.

7. Quit giving in to the sweet craving. I have NO F'ing idea where this came from. I've never been a sweet eater. I like my salt. Now, I actually get cravings for sweets that are like an addicts cravings for drugs. I want it and I want it now! I get all jittery inside thinking about it. Will one satisfy? Hell no. I make a pan of brownies and I chip away at them until I eat the whole frigging pan. Oh don't doubt me here. It's true.

8. Butter is not my friend.

9. Move my fat ass. In a mindful manner. The days I work, I work. My job is physical. On my feet. I walk about 3-5 miles during the course of my shift. I lift, I move. I work 2 days a week. The other 5 I sit on my fat ass and do nothing exercise wise. So, those days "I want to move it move it" (told you I loved my movies!).

10. Dairy. Embrace the lactose. I like it. Do I drink it? Nope. Do I eat my yogurt? Nope. Why the hell not??? Who the hell knows!!!! Goal? Three a day.


I think 10 is a good place to start.

So, which one am I going to choose for today? Hmmmm I dunno yet. The choice is mine to be made and it will be made. I'll let you know tomorrow.

ADDENDUM: OMG ppl...really? This post wasn't up 5 minutes before I got an email from someone telling me I was a lazy bitch and this was a cop out. More exucses to not get started. You have got to freaking be kidding me! Is this not a journey? Is this supposed to be some miraculous instant change? I think not! I'm glad that 'you' (insert email person here) have your poop in a group...I don't. I bet other people out there don't either. Some of us are still trying to figure it out. Cut us some fucking slack!

OK, NOW I'm done!

:-)