I am Queen

Of denial.

Corny, I know, but I love a good pun. C'mon you know I'd rock that Cleopatra look!

So, yesterday I was driving the truck and feeling totally uncomfortable. Oh yes peeps, I'm not comfortable in anything but a nightgown or bathing suit right now. Why? Well I'm too damn fat that's why! I hate the feeling of the fat oozing over the top of my jeans. Worse yet is what oozes out the back. Caught sight of myself sitting in a chair at cards the other night. Pfffft on window reflections. It's very hard for me to hoist myself up into the truck, or even up into bed for that matter. Everything hurts and is screaming. Hell I'd scream too if someone made me carry 50 extra pounds and expected me to do it as well as I used to. So what the heck happened?

Denial.

I was below 200. I was an exercising machine. I even had a personal trainer. My stomach problem came back. The one where I can't eat solid food. Man let me just tell you how bad that sucks. You think it would be heaven if you couldn't eat? It's not. I never felt good as what food I ate didn't digest. It just sat in the stomach and rotted. I never felt hungry...how could you with food rotting in there? If I ate, I could eat 1 or 2 bites at most. Nothing solid at all. One bite of meat and I was done for the day. Bread? Nope. Popcorn? Nope. Pasta? Nope. I was reduced to protein drinks so at least I could get some protein in. Fruit juices, yogurt. Didn't lose weight either. Now that really sucks ass people. No solid food and no losing weight? Pfffft. It's called gastroparysis and it's the devil. Don't know what caused it the first time, though I was in Mexico at the time so I still wonder if it's not somehow virus related. Lasted about a year, year and a half and then one day it was just gone. Oh the joy! Gained a butt load of weight because, well, I could eat again! Was gone for a year or so, then BAM it came again. Repeat scenario. Third times a charm right? Last December I flew home for a week. January 2 the tummy trouble was back. OMG I was so depressed. That made me wonder if stress could trigger it. So I decided to try to will it to go away. Don't know if that worked or what, but this time instead of lasting for a year or more, it only lasted a month or two. I was happy. I started to eat. I gained weight.

OK...so denial. Just once I'd like to stay on topic!!!!!

I was under 200...I gained about 9 pounds after being able to eat again. It was so wonderful to enjoy all my favorite foods again. I knew I needed to get back on program. My clothes were getting a wee bit tight. I still felt pretty though. I quit exercising as all my joints hurt. Long story, but man everything hurts. So I gained some more.

I knew I was up over 215 now, but surely it can't be fat. I mean honest to God fat. It has to be water weight. You can't just gain 15 pounds that quickly. When I get back OP it'll just melt off.

I'm now up over 225 and forced to buy new clothes. Must really be retaining water. Never a doubt in my mind it'll just spring from my body when I rejoin Weight Watchers.

We get ready to head back to Michigan. I know that we're going home to get the house ready to sell. Lots of work. I also know I have to work a real job. A physically demanding job. I figured get home, get settled, then get back on program. I'm up to 235 now. I had to go out and buy more new clothes. Bigger clothes. I had to buy a bigger work shirt and bigger work pants as my uniforms didn't come anywhere close to fitting from the year before. How much water can one body hold???

I had a crap summer. I was in so much pain from working at the restaurant that when I got home I couldn't move. I was so tired from getting the big house clean and spruced up and ready to sell my mind just fizzled. The stress was at top level too. Color me 240.

We finally had our last day of work. We got the house pristine. We got the U-Haul packed up. We loaded up the 5th wheel, tossed the dog in the U-Haul and set off on our journey for Florida for the last time. 1450 miles. Me driving the rig and TBM driving the U-Haul. We arrived in paradise, unloaded, started making this our home. I finally decided it was time to get rid of all this water weight and sucked it up and went back to Weight Watchers 10 days ago. Get out your paint kit and color me 247.2. I hope you have a lot of paint. OMG it's a good thing I was sitting down here at home alone when I looked at that card. I was shocked. How could I be shocked? I mean I had to go buy clothes not once, not twice, but three times. I'm not comfortable doing anything but sitting. So, how could I be shocked?

Denial.

It just hit me yesterday that this isn't water weight. This isn't going to just melt off. Just because I went back to WW, it didn't take it off over night.

Fuck me sideways...I really have to work at this. Know something else? It's harder this time! That's right people. Harder. Not easier. I was so far into denial I really thought this 'fat' would melt right off as soon as I got my act together. It's not real fat after all. It's new fat. That should be easier to get off. Oh I'm going to work like hell to get back to where I was as I just can't stand this feeling. I will succeed.

Please learn from the Queen of Denial. FAT IS FAT. New fat, old fat, it's all fat and it's harder than hell to get off. SO, if you get some off, work really hard to keep it off folks. It's not easy to get it off again and again. Once that fat gets on you, it's going to fight to stay.

It sucks asp.

Peace be the journey

:-)