Wednesday, February 18, 2009

A punch in the gut

A kick in the teeth, call it what you will, I got one.

WI yesterday was brutal. I gained. I haven't looked in the book to see how much....know it was more than a pound though. When I saw her write that last number in my book, and it was one number bigger than the one last week, I had to hold my lips really tight to keep from crying. I thought I was going to have to step outside so I didn't embarrass myself. I got it under control before having to do that.

It's just so frustrating to work so hard and gain. This is the second time in 3 or 4 weeks too. The big 2.6 pound gain and this 1. something or other. I can't believe it's not making me want to chuck the whole program. It's pissing me off and making me want to conquer the problem. Who is this new person?

I have a problem sharing what I do at WI with people. It's very difficult to explain. I like to share what I do, in fact I need to, but I want to do it in my own time, in my own way. I hate getting off the scale at my meeting and having my car mates say 'So how was it?' It's added pressure to me I think. I get through that and know the minute I walk in the door at home I'll get the same thing. I know they care and they think they're being supportive and caring, but it just ties me up in knots inside knowing it's coming. I was totally gutted yesterday when I saw her write that number, as I said, I nearly cried. I got home and my very caring friend said simply 'so how did it go?'. I glared at him. Oh yes, if looks could kill and all that. I can't believe I didn't burn a hole in his face with my evil eye stare. I snapped 'I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT' and stormed out the door. I took the golf cart for a ride and talked out loud the whole time. I'm sure the people I passed thought I was possessed! I was grumbling and pissing and moaning. I was mad at myself for being upset, as after all, I freaking did everything I could do. I was mad at my friend for asking when I've asked him not to ask. I was mad at Den for nothing at all. I would have kicked the cat if we had one. Yep, that's how pissed off I was. Why? Dunno, just was. Some things just can't be explained. They might be hugely important to us and we just don't know why. This is one of them. I've been told it's selfish. Maybe, but it's just so important to me. I can't explain it any better than a person who is shy can explain why he's shy. There really sometimes are no explanations for our feelings. They just are there and there's really not much we can do about them. OK, I'm done now.

I'll tell you all about what I've decided....after I tell my friend. It's time now. I think it's fair he hears it from me first and not read it on the blog.

I'm off to look for a shrink with a couch.


  1. I'm ready and waiting to listen and best of all, I don't charge $300 an hour.

    (sterling only !)

  2. I am typically a shy person and I feel that sharing at my meetings helps me SO much. Even if it just a new recipe that I made...or a new snack that I found that I like.
    yesterday at my meeting a few people came to me and told me that they like when I talk about those things at the meeting ! I was shocked adn it made me feel like I was part f the group. I felt more support and it helps me.
    Ive also been there as far as knowing a gain was written down, and crying right then adn there! I was embarrassed but I also knew that I needed to focus on ME more. You can do it! Be strong! :)

    :) tj

  3. I know how you feel. I don't like sharing either because I don't want to have to explain a bad week and I don't like doing what everyone else does. I mean I don't mind talking at meetings, but not about me personally.

    And the getting doesn't matter why, it matters that you just get through those feelings. We all need a good explosion every now and again!

    Keep up the great work you have been doing and you will see the numbers go the other way.

  4. Hang in there!!
    I've had a gain this week too (I ate unhealthily although I work my butt off almost every day at the gym), and it's really frustrating to look at the numbers on the scale, and to get mad at myself and for the slightest bit question about what I'm doing and if it's really making any difference.

    The good thing that happened to me yesterday is that one of the trainers came up to me and made a comment on how I've been working hard everyday (I'm new to the gym and she probably noticed I was a new face). She asked me was there something I was working towards, and I said I wanted to lose weight. She said that if you keep it up, your efforts will definitely not go wasted, even if people lose weight and have effects show, at a different pace. She even said, "exercise will not betray you!!" haha which I thought was funny. Definitely going back into the gym today and work a little harder, just to kick the scale in the butt for my next weigh-in.