I'm having an odd breakfast this morning. Coffee with a side of flounder. No, not the fish, the action. Yes, I'm floundering to beat the band here. Oh, and I'm having a portion of wallowing also.
I've been trying to catch up on blogs...read some good ones this morning. Some with awesome ideas, some with great recipes, some with upbeat attitudes. I think I didn't really absorb any of them though as I'm still not motivated to get back on program.
The mom in me, or the school teacher education makes me ask questions of myself. Do I want to get fatter? Ah no. Do I want to put unhealthy food in my body? Ah no. Now I feel I need to take the piece of chalk and pound it into the part of my hair while smacking my hands with the ruler (yes, I did go to Catholic school, why do you ask?)and ask the next question. WTF do you think you're doing you moron???? I dunno, but I'm sure doing it.
I know you all know how easy it is to say 'tomorrow' I'll get back on my diet, my program, my whatever you call your lifestyle. Then tomorrow comes and it's tomorrow. That tomorrow comes and I don't know about you, but I say, 'OK next week'. I'll give myself a whole week. That should get it out of my system. After 45 years of trying to 'get it out of my system' I, as an intelligent person, should know it's not freaking going to work! It's never going to be out of my system. I need to learn to get past the obstacles with it in my system.
I've never been the queen of excuses. I don't need an excuse to eat. I just do it. I never blame anyone else as it's me that does it to myself. I do not sneak food, I do not eat in private. I eat for all to see and always have. I at least have that going for me eh???
I found myself making deals with myself yesterday. Hey, whatever it takes. Too bad none of them worked. Today is my WI day, and for the first time I can ever remember, I'm not going to my meeting. I've always told people that if they have a gain, they need to suck it up and go and take their medicine. Well F that, I'm not going. I'm picking my friend up from the airport on Friday. I said OK, that's it, I'll get back OP on Saturday. Oh no, there's a dance Saturday night and I'll want snackies. Sunday. Shoot, everyone knows you can't start a diet on Sunday! Monday. Oh no, why start Monday when my WI day is Tuesday? Holy shit do you see the crap that goes through my mind????
It would be bad enough if my decisions only affected me, but they do not. If I falter, TBM goes crashing down like a big oak tree. He seems to just wait for me to fall off program so he can come along for the ride. I feel bad about that, but ultimately, it's his problem, and not mine. I don't say to him 'Oh let's go eat this'. I just eat it and he does too. It wouldn't do any good if he said to me 'oh let's not.' I'd do it anyway. Ya, I'm stubborn like that.
So, I'm wallowing also. I'm finding that my quality of life has been affected by this arthritis. Oh boo hoo you say...lots of people have arthritis. Yep, they do and I freaking don't want to be one of them. I'm learning to deal with it, I just need a bit more time. I've been a fiercely independant woman all my married life. I literally do it all. I cook, clean, shop, do the bills, keep things in order, plan. I also do the home maintainance. I do the wiring, I do the gutter cleaning, I mow, I do NOT shovel snow anymore thank God! We need a new ceiling fan? I'm your woman. I don't want that hanging light in the dining room anymore? No problem taking it down and tending properly to the wiring. I don't want that TV there? No problem, I am strong, I can move it. I want a new spigot outside? I'm a whiz with pvc and pipe goo. I ran all our phone lines and cable lines in our home...thre's nothing I won't at least try to do, and usually succeed. We're in debt? Hell yes. No problem, I can get a job and I can help. Not so much now. I can't button my own pants and I can't unhook my bra. I can't open door knobs...and of course the list goes on. The thing that pisses me off each and every night in bed is the pain it causes me to pull the covers over me. I get hot so toss the covers off. I then get cool and go to do a simple thing like pull them back on and it's excruciating. My hands just don't grasp things without pain and I do the toss off, pull on thing several times a night. I lay in bed and you'd think I'd be pain free. For some reason, when I lay down, or sit with my feet up for that matter, I have pain in my right leg. It throbs. My right calf, my right ankle, and my right hip. Doesn't matter how I lay, it hurts. That's just BS!!! I'm not moving, it shouldn't hurt! OK thank you for letting me piss and moan. It does help! I am trying not to talk about it to my friends and family as I don't want to sound like a broken record. It is affecting my life at the moment though. We really need me to get a job down here and I'm so limited in what I can do, I just don't know if I'll be able to help. We'll wing that. OK, nuff about that.
So, what am I going to do about everything? Well, here's my plan.
I'm going to go to my WW meeting next Tuesday and I'm going to promise myself to get back on program. I'm going to use this week to come up with meal plans and make sure I have everything on hand. I'm going to come up with an exercise plan and impliment it. We have a gym here for goodness sakes! I have a gorgeous bike. I have 2 swimming pools. I think exercise will help the arthritis pain also. I'll take any and all suggestions from all of you. Well all except the ones that say to do it today instead of next week. You guys don't count!
I don't want you to think this is a downer post either. I'm exceedingly happy. Life is still good. I love my life here. I love my friends, my activities, the sun, the palm trees, the laid back atmosphere. This is my paradise. I just need to work getting fit back into my life is all.
I know I can do it. I can do anything. It's like when my day care kids said 'I can't'. I always always said 'can't and don't want to are the same thing'. Yep they are. It's not that I can't, it's just that I don't want to!
All of us can.
A wink and a smile
6 years ago