Full of excitement!

If, if, if!

I feel like a kid getting ready for a birthday party or something today. I woke up full of excitement for my weigh in tonight. Weird right?

So many ifs tonight.

IF I lose 1.5 pounds I'll be under 190. Wow.

IF I lose 3.5 pounds I'll hit my 180 pounds off. Ya, 3.5 is high for me to aim, but what the hell, a girl can dream right?

I try not to let the other 'what ifs' push into my mind. They do sometimes. I'm a list maker as you all know. I keep a spreadsheet of my weight loss. It's cool to look back and know what you did a certain year....sometimes. Last year (and part of the one before) was a rough one for me.

I had a stomach ailment called gastroparysis. It sucked. I couldn't eat solid food for about a year and a half. If I ate anything solid I'd feel sick to my stomach and remain full and feeling ill for hours and hours and hours. What a chore that was to try to get all my fruits/veg/protein etc in each day. Juices were the only way to get the fruit and veg in. I ate a lot of cheese for the protein. You'd think if you couldn't eat, you'd lose weight. Nope, not so I'm afraid. Fiber was non existent in my diet...just couldn't process it. I had tests to diagnose the problem, unfortunately there wasn't a remedy. I could take a pill...but the side effects of said pill scared the bejeepers out of me! I opted to just deal with the problems that came from not being able to eat solid food. I did no exercise, didn't have the oomph. What weight I was losing was muscle and not fat. It was so upsetting to go somewhere and only be able to take one bite of food. It wasn't fun.

It vanished last May. I mean one day it was there, and honest to God, the next day I woke up and it was gone!!! I still live in fear it will come back. I'm over the initial feeding frenzy now thank God! You have NO idea how it felt to be able to eat food again! OMG I was like...well like a person that hadn't eaten in a year and a half! I was working at the restaurant of course and took full advantage of all it had to offer! I gained. I started cooking food again. Oh, not Weight Watcher food of course. I gained more. We went out to dinner, we went to parties. I gained. I didn't care. It felt so freakin good to eat again, I honestly didn't care. No, I didn't care until the end of the year when I was looking at my spread sheet and for the first time in years I had a total gain for the year. Now some years previously I might have only lost 1-2 pounds for the whole year, but it was a loss and not a gain. Last year was a gain of 26.4 pounds total for the year. Thank goodness I lost some along the way as if I add up all my gains for 2008, they total, and I think a drum roll is in order here, ppprrrrruuummmmmmm, 74.4 pounds! OMG I'd be at my goal if I'd not gained that! How dumb was that?

Anyway, the point of this post is that I'm happy when I lose. ANY loss. As long as it's going down and not up, I know I'll get to my goal eventually. I don't ever want another year where the gains are bigger than the losses.

BUT today I'm excited. I could get my 180 pound star...again. Yes, that's right, I actually hit 180 pounds off last year sometime before the ballooning commenced. I wasn't going to WW at the time, couldn't afford it. I never got my star. So, even though this isn't virgin fat territory yet, I'm just so darn excited. VFT is coming soon and then....look out world...you'll hear the cheer wherever you are!

This is my year I just know it. I just know that nothing is going to stop me from getting lower than I ever have before. I know this year is going to end in a loss and not a gain. I know that because of my exercise regime I'm a stronger person. I know that I've learned so much from what I've done and what I've been through, that I'm a smarter person. I know that I'll have gains along the way, but I know I'll reign them in before they get out of hand.

So either take my hand and come along for the ride or get the hell out of the way. I'm on fire!!!!!!

I'm going to steal my closure from this guy...just for today FD I promise. I just love your blog.

Fat Mama out!

:-)