Ever get that childhood taunt? I did. I remember once we were all going to climb 'the big tree'. I just couldn't get past the first branch and my friend said that to me. I remember being petrified. I did, however, climb the tree.
So, what's the matter with me and not getting on program? Scared? Perhaps. Lazy? Definitely. Does it go deeper? Dunno, and as therapy will never be in my future, I may never find out. My idea of therapy is telling myself 'snap out of it'.
I had an awesome childhood. Relatively OK adolescence. I was your typical fat girl. No boyfriends of course. I had 2 faboulous best girl friends though, and managed to have a lot of fun in high school. I was in the drama club (I became a Thespian don't you know!), Spanish club, ski club (probably more stuff I just can't remember right now! I was active in girl scouts. My best friend and I became lifeguards. We went ice skating a lot in the winter. We did a lot of stuff. I laughed a lot.
Always in the back of my mind was the boy though. I wanted one. I was a great girl. Losers didn't figure that out. I remember one of the most jarring moments of my youth. I was probably in 8th grade. Catholic school no less. I was in love with Joe Weglarz. I was talking to my Mom about this...probably planning our wedding ya know? My Mom was probably trying to let me down gently as she made some comment....I don't remember now what that was...something about him probably not liking me I'm sure. I remember the rest clearely. I said 'He's fat too Mom!'. Mama said the words then I'll never forget. "Even fat boys don't like fat girls". Cruel? Maybe. True? You bet your ass.
There were some things she didn't tell me that she should have. Thank God I had the self confidence needed to figure it out on my own. If you're a young reader here, and you're fat, keep your dignity. Don't give your body to a boy hoping he'll like you. He won't. He'll do you, carve the notch in his belt, and move on. Do you want that preying on your mind? Hell no you don't. You're worth more. I knew that thank God. I wanted a boyfriend more than anything but I wasn't willing to sacrifice my values or morals to get one. Doing that woudln't have got me a boyfriend anyway. It would have got me the lable of 'cheap whore'. NOT a label I'd want to wear. I'm glad I figured that out on my own before the damage was done! If the damage has been done, stop it now. Declare yourself perfect and save yourself for someone that deserves you. You are worth it, you really are.
WTF???? This blog was NOT supposed to go here...it was supposed to delve into why I'm not on program and what I can do to get myself there and what the hell is wrong with me. I guess that'll have to be another day.
I'm going to my WI today. I'm not going to WI I don't think. I'm up a good 8-10 pounds. My friend asked me yesterday when I was going to get back OP. I said I didn't know. I was thinking after Thanksgiving....now I'm thinking why wait? Scared? Yep. Lazy? Yep. I think maybe it should be tomorrow instead of after Thanksgiving. My heart started beating faster when I typed that.
Guess that's a sign eh?
A wink and a smile
6 years ago