Friday, May 15, 2009

Pixie is in pain

Your actions become your habits. Don't let yourself make a pattern of slip ups or they'll become habits!

I get a daily email from Denise Austin. This was her little quote of the day. I usually find them twee and kind of gag me. I read this and then started to click delete on the email....then I thought about what I read.

How often do we tell ourselves we can't eat at a Mexican restaurant without having the chips. We can't go to a party without eating everything in sight. We can't enjoy a special occasion without cake or treats?

I wonder if we started skipping the chips, monitoring our food, and nixing the cake and treats if it would become habit?

I know that my 4 months of solid eating OP and exercising 6 days a week became total habit. Right up until I started planning to come home. I can't possibly go on a 1400 mile road trip and stay OP. Habit. How dumb was that? I gained 12 pounds as you know because of that. What's worse? I am not OP now either.

I ate a healthy breakfast Thursday (my first day back OP after my 16 day binge) as planned. I went and joined the gym as planned. I didn't do a full work out. I came home and that was all she wrote.

For the first time in my life I think I actually feel guilty for what I've eaten. I know that a lot of you feel guilt about eating bad food on a regular basis. I never have. I've always enjoyed what I've eaten and I never minded the weight gain associated with it. It was worth it.

It's not worth it anymore. I want to be OP again. I want to be exercising again. What's my problem? I want someone to do it for me. I want someone to do the planning, the shopping, the preparing. Put my food in front of me. I just want to concentrate on getting to the gym and doing my thing there.

As long as I'm having a whine party (I drank all the wine already so it's not that kind of party!), I want to share that I've hurt the hell out of myself. A few months ago at the gym you may remember my trainer had me doing jumping jacks and jumping rope. I felt a pop and seems I hurt my achilles tendon. Every time I walk now, it hurts like hell. I don't mean power walking either. Just anytime I walk over 10 minutes or so. Well, I went shopping today. It hurt like hell. I felt like an old lady limping around. No comments there...I will kick the shit out of you with my good leg. I came home and while I was walking down to the basement I felt another pop and it hurt so bad I saw stars. I don't know if I should be resting it, stretching it, icing it, heating it or what. I've got an appointment with my doc but it's not for a few weeks yet.

Now I'm worried about going back to work. I work on my feet in a restaurant. I wore a pedometer at work a few days last year and clocked well over the 10,000 required steps just making the salads and tending the salad bar. I need to work. We need the bucks. I'm scared.

I'm worried I can't get myself back OP tomorrow. I don't want the binge to continue. I don't want to make the effort to do what's involved with being OP either though.

I'm worried I can't go to the gym tomorrow. I've already joined and paid my money. Don't want to be losing out! Can't afford to have paid and not go!

So, there you have it. Your normally upbeat, happy, Pixie is out of magic fairy dust tonight.


  1. aawww man. I think I would see if I could get in to a different doc asap. Maybe a urgent med clinic or something. That way you'd know what you need to do with it. Getting back on the wagon is so hard. Keep trying.

  2. I was going to tell you to try to get in to see the DOC sooner as well! Aww Pixie!! I too am a fairy, and I would share my magic fairy dust with you if I knew it would make you feel better!
    I really hope you can get checked out soon! :(

  3. No wonder you're fed up and it's horrible to hear you not sounding your usual cheery self. But I agree with the two previous comments - - get to a doc asap - Achilles tendons are small but can give a lot of grief.

  4. Im so sorry to hear that and I'm with everyone else... get to the doc sooner... if, in fact, your Achilles is tearing a little you definitely don't want that sucker to tear all the way... talk about pain and agony!!! Get to the doc girl!

  5. deep breath... just focus on the next meal. pretty soon it will be a habit

  6. Debby, Debby, Debby! I can really feel your pain in your post this time. It sounds like you are really struggling. I am so sorry you are having such a bad time. I too think you need to get in to see a doctor sooner. You could do much more damage in a few weeks! I agree with Carlos, focus on one meal at a time. Of course, I am preaching and not practicing it like I should, but I'm trying to focus on you right now! LOL Good luck girl. I feel your pain in more than one way!

  7. Thank you so much you guys. Sure needed the support.

    My doc left this winter so I had to get a new one. The soonest appointment I could get was the end of June. I made the appointment over a month ago from FL too. I can't get in sooner to see her as I'm new...have to establish first. If it were an emergency, I'd go to the hospital. That's why I can't get in sooner.

    Studmuffin (Den's new trainer at the gym) stretched my legs today. It feels a lot better and I am able to do the elliptical with no pressure on the tendon whatsoever. I'm being very careful when I walk and also wearing tennis shoes 24/7.

    Thanks so much for all your support!!!! I feel the Pixie dust returning!

  8. Sending good vibes your way Debby! Hope things start looking up soon!