Saturday, August 15, 2009

Dinner with the Adam's Family

I am so going to hell for this post.

If you read this post, and you relate to the family within, yes, I am above you. In fact, my nose is so far in the air it has frost bite!

So, the Big Man and I had to work yesterday. Sucked ass. I'm SO over working it's not even funny. By my calculations, I should only have a max of 19 days left to work this summer. Not that I'm counting or anything.

I had a mammogram yesterday morning, went shopping, went to work that I didn't want to go to. I fought all temptations at work, again. I planned a spur of the moment outing to the beach, keeping it 100% weight watcher legal and we had a great day. I do love Weight Watchers. It allows for spur of the moment things as long as you've got the stuff on hand. Planning is key. I feel really good about myself just now.

I got out of work kind of early for me. In fact, it was 4:44 to be precise. It was gorgeous outside and TBM(The Big Man) left work even earlier than moi. I thought a trip to the beach would be just what the doctor ordered and Papa thought so too. I was going to toss a snack in a cooler for us, then decided to just fix a picnic dinner. Totally WW OP just in case you're wondering. I made a delightful chicken salad. I tossed in some sugar free jello for each of us, an apple for him and cherries for me. One cup of lovely Michigan cherry Riesling for me and water for him. Some cheese and baked Doritos's completed the picnic I think. We tossed the garden wagon in the truck, my folding lounge chair, a chair for TBM, towels, books, etc. and off we went.

Got to the beach and set up our chairs near the water. Me in the sun, he in the shade. I got my chilled glass out of the cooler and poured my first glass of wine. I was sitting there, enjoying the sun, the quiet, nature in general, when I noticed the 'family' over yonder. I watched for a few minutes as my chair was facing directly at them. I turned to TBM and said 'Oh my, I think this is going to be very entertaining'! He opted for a dip in the lake, I preferred to sit there with my feet up, sipping my wine, watching the action.

As close as I can tell, there was a Grandma, Grandpa, Son, Daughter in Law, 2 grand kids, and another child they had to have stolen from somewhere. All were tattooed, which doesn't make them odd as I have several tat's myself and Papa has 2. I don't, however, have one that starts at my belly button and goes up to surround my nipples. I think it was a snake...and the tongue...well use your imagination! I'm hoping the tattoos on the kids were temporary ones! Every one of the adults sucked on one cigarette after another. They shared 10 teeth between them...honestly. The Grandma kept smoking and when she sucked in, her whole face collapsed. I damn near laughed out loud. Let's do a description of each of them shall we? Oh I so wish I had a small camera that I carried everywhere...this would have used a whole card!

It was like a train wreck or a car accident. I should've turned away, but I just couldn't!

Grandma: I'm guessing early 50's. Long, greasy, grey hair in a ponytail. She may have had 2 teeth in here whole head. She had tattoos on her arms, calves, back, and one on her chest area. Oh yes, one on the back of the neck too. She was wearing a ratty swim suit with a denim skirt over it. The denim skirt was filthy. She kept picking her swim suit out of her ass. That was lovely to behold. She was the talker of the bunch. She was also the leader. 'Put the fucking grate on the fucking grill boy'. 'Get your fucking ass out of the fucking lake right now it's time to eat'. I think you get the fucking drift here? A loving granny to be sure!

Grandpa. OMG he was special for sure. He had a vacant look in his eyes....probably visualizing doing his sister. He had dark, greasy, hair down past his shoulders...can we all say ewww??? He was a big guy, looked about 9 months pregnant actually. Hell, with that bunch he may have been! When we got there he was sitting on the picnic table picking his toes. This must've interested him as he kept at it for about 15 minutes. He finally finished one foot and put his white sock on and then started the other foot. I have no idea what he was picking, and I don't care to know. He finally finished this, I kid you not he was at it for a good 20 minutes! He stood, faced the lake, scratched his ass and farted. Suave and debonair! I think he may have been drooling...there really was no expression on his face the whole time we were there...a total blank. He stood for the longest time and then he groped himself a bit, picked his suit out of his ass again and sat back down. The only other time he moved was when a girl from down the way walked past in a bikini. He followed her with his eyes from the moment she got up until she was well out of sight. Gag me.

Son: Wow, I'd be so proud! He was the brains of the group. I know this because he kept telling 'the missus' that he was. 'You're a fucking idiot, just do what I tell you' know, lovely things of that ilk. He was manning the grill. They had TV dinners on the charcoal grill. I damn near spat my wine out when I saw them take them out of the box and slap them on the grill! Every once in a while he'd just twitch. I'm not sure what that was...but it was weird!

Daughter in Law: Long, greasy, hair in a pony tail. Never saw her bathing suit, thank God! She was wearing a long cover up. I know she had a suit on though, as she was constantly picking it out of her ass. Every single one of them were ass pickers. She kept straddling the picnic table bench and...well we just aren't even going to go there! After TBM came in from his dip, he watched with me. I was reading at one point and he said 'she's picking her suit out of her ass again'. Hehe, I got him addicted too. He's the one that kept calling them 'The Adam's Family'. He's so going to hell too!

The kids: I thought it was 3 boys. Until one of them took off the tee shirt and had a girls bathing suit on. She had a total boys haircut. I don't mean a short, girl cut, I mean a total boy cut. Two of them were little chunks and one of them was bean thin. That's why I think they stole an extra from somewhere...unless they just never let that one eat. He sure didn't fit in with the rest of them! Kids weren't bad...but give them time, I'm sure they will be!

So, after a hard day of work, I had a lovely evening feeling superior. All the self help people are telling us that we have to think well of ourselves. Well, after sitting next to this family for two hours...I think we are perfect!!!

We got up, packed up our things, picked the suits out of our ass and left for home.

A perfect evening I'd say!



  1. OMG! HYSTERICAL! You made me chuckle! Thanks for sharing your story with us! TV dinners on the grill-hummm thats a new one!! lol

  2. had me laughing I nearly fell off my chair, I felt I was right there the way you wrote this story...brilliant!!!!!!!!!!

  3. And you managed to EAT your picnic with all this lot nearby? Of course, we have families with such charm and class in Britain too, oh yes.

  4. Ha ha ha! Cracked me up! Very entertaining! Yeah, the TV dinners on the grill? Seriously?

  5. I'm so glad I'm not the only person who people watches and feels superior about .... then goes bitch about it on the internet ... I'll be right there with you heading to hell!! Oh god - I wish I'd seen this lot .... they sound absolutely precious! lol