Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Push Me Pull Me

Remember that Dr. Seuss character? That's how I feel.

Good Lord will it ever get easier? Will it ever get second nature? Will it ever get where I'm not fighting myself every minute of every day? Do you have any idea how hard that is? Yes, some of you do.

Tomorrow is my weigh in day. Right now, my scale is showing me a gain. A big, fat, not deserved gain. I've been 100% OP this week....AGAIN.

Monday at work, V brought banana bars in again. You might remember that's what sent me on a 2 week binge earlier in the summer. I rounded the corner and there they were. Well, this time, I rounded the corner and there they were again. I made that FatBuster promise to not eat unplanned food at work. That helped. I swear to God I wanted to snarf that whole pan down and then lick the crumbs off. Not only that, Becky brought in no bake cookies. Those are my all time favorite cookie. Yep, even better than Oreo's. I fought myself the whole entire day. Oh go ahead, oh no don't. I want it, you can't have it. It's getting freaking old I'll tell you! Is there going to be a day I can see those things and pass them easily? I sure don't think so. I did pass them though and that's huge for me. It was an internal battle all day long and the big man was having the same fight within. He thanked me from keeping him from jumping the cliff. I can help him, but he can't really help me. Nobody can. You tell me I can't have something and that's the first thing I'm going to eat. I have to do it and I have to do it on my own.

We're camping again...our lovely little campground with the pool, jacuzzi, etc. We came Sunday and went to work from here on Monday. We're here now until Thursday morning bright and early. We'll pull the rig out and get home in time to drop it and shoot off to work.

We had a blow out on the way here. I was driving and BAM! Blew one of the dualies on the rig. Fuck me sideways. Pardon any of my readers that don't curse...but man that just sucked. Did we know it was a possibility? Yep. Knew the tires needed replacing. Were we going to replace them? Yep, after this trip! It's only 70 miles. I thought we'd be fine. Damn it all that's what I get for thinking. I hate stupidity, I really do. I hate it even more when it's my own. I lecture the kids about fixing things that need fixing or you'll just create a bigger, more costly problem. Then what do I do? Something stupid that's what. It cost us $115 to have some moron come and change my tire. It also blew off the trim on the side of the rig that will cost a few hundred to have replaced. All because of stupidity. I don't handle that well. So, we were sitting on the side of the road waiting for the tow truck. We were starving as we'd planned to eat lunch at the campground when we got there. Rig has on board Ruffles, Hershey bars, chocolate frosting, and I can't remember what else. The big man has a 'cheat' day on Wednesday, so those are his provisions. Oh my did I want all of it while sitting there. I fought myself tooth and nail. I got out of the truck and went into the rig and got out 2 bags of cherries and brought them back for us. I didn't eat the goodies, but I wanted them. A fight to the finish and I did win. I just don't want the fight anymore! I want this to be easy. I don't know how much longer I can hold myself back. I long for simplicity.

So, now, here I sit, scale showing me a gain, goodies on board, and I'm starving. Another day, another fight.

What oh what is it going to take to make things easier?

What do all of you do?

Am I truly the only one out there that has this internal battle nearly every, single day?


  1. You can DO it, dude!! Don't worry about the gains, just remember all of your hard work, and stick to that plan!!

  2. You are sooooo not alone!

    What do I do? Depends on the day, on the week. Sometimes I'll use it as motivation, other times I allow it to swallow me while I'm swallowing a big fat snickers bar.

    We all knew going in that this wasn't going to be easy. The point is, take what you've lost and be proud, and keep making the better, or at least proportionate, choices. Yeah I want to look good naked, and I don't know about you but...I'm not in this to have a movie star body, I'm in it to live another fifty years without falling apart.

    Hope things start looking up sweetie. We're all here with you!

  3. it ebbs and flows for me, the battle that is. The past 2 weeks have been "easy" hunger, no real cravings. Just easy peasy. THen bam, yesterday comes and Im literally STARVING to death all day long. I eat and swear I feel that my body has incinerated the food on impact and I want to eat again within a couple hours. What is it?? NO idea. But Im fighting the good fight so far this snickers bar is gonna do me in (for the moment!). Hang in there!

  4. For me, when I found myself on a downward trend, I'd do one of two things. Either I'd give in, or I'd fight back.

    When I was morbidly obese, I always gave in. But when I finally started having success I tried to learn to fight back. Once I had made some choices I wished I hadn't I immediately started over in my mind. That minute - no waiting until the next day. For some reason that really helped me.

    These days, all these years later, I still have to remind myself not to eat emotionally.

    It's a fight worth fighting!

  5. Pick yourself up and carry on...a gain is not the end of the journey, there are so many reasons why this happenes, hormones etc at our age is a huge one...
    Keep on your journey to a better you.
    Its so worth it.

  6. "Am I truly the only one out there that has this internal battle nearly every, single day?"

    And I surely have the same fights every single day. Some days I win, some days I lose. But it's never easy.

    I think you are doing AWESOME and I would *pay* to get some of your motivation. Hang in there Debby!!!!

  7. Oh dear Debby.................if only you were the only one out there with this struggle. There are sooooooooooo many of us! Every single day of my life is a struggle with food, weight, etc.! I am with you girl!!!!!