I have muscles THERE???

OMG...it hurts to type. Yes, I'm not lying or exaggerating. Whatever muscles are directly above my boobs hurt like hell. I can feel the strain just typing.

Did I mention today was my first day with the devil incarnate, I mean my personal trainer? Well, it was.

I've been doing really well with the aerobic exercise. I thought it was time to add strength training. I haven't a clue what to do, how much to do, hence the personal trainer.

I arrived at 10:05AM for my 10:15AM session. I was excited. I was going to learn stuff. OMG how naive could I have been?

We headed out to the gym floor and Aime (devil) said 'we'll start with push ups'. Um? Excuse me, I said? I thought you said push ups. So, we did push ups. Now I'm 50 years old and I can honestly say I've never done a push up. I did try a week or so ago. Silverback can attest to that. We were on the floor of the lanai trying to do push ups. He succeeded, I did not. Aime had me lean against a bar that was attached to some other instrument of torture that held a lot of weights. That bar was about 4 foot off the floor I guess. She had me stretch my legs way out behind me and then she said 'lower yourself to the bar'. With trembling arms I lowered myself to the bar. Were we done? Oh no we were not. "Now push yourself up'. I did it. I was OK with that and then the devil said 'we're going to do 12 of these'. Holy shit I thought I was going to faint! I did about 4 before the sweat beads started to pop. By the time I hit 7 even my legs were complaining. I did complete 12 though! I stood up and fully expected praise, or at the very least, a cookie or something as a reward! What did I get? 'Come on over here and we're going to do some bicep curls.

Oh that was a joy. She grabbed 2 weights off the rack and showed me how to do them. Looked easy enough. She handed me the weights and I think my arms lengthened a foot or so. They felt like 50 pounds each. I asked how heavy they were. 8 pounds she said. I think she was a lying bitch. I know they weighed at least 30 pounds by the time I finished 12 curls.

Now the evil one grabbed what I thought was a broom stick. She asked if I'd ever gone canoeing. I said yes. She said 'we're just going to paddle our canoe'. OK, what's this 'our' shit Kemo Sabe? I'm doing all the work and you're watching me. So what if you're pregnant, you should at least be doing part of these for me! She showed me how to paddle and then handed me the broom stick. Broomstick my fat ass. It was a 15 pound pole! I told her that would sink my canoe. She didn't think it was funny. She of course counted to 12. I could hear things in my shoulder crunch. She actually leaned in and heard it too. Did I get to quit? Nope.

Now we moved over to a machine to work my legs. Oh that sounded nice. I get to sit down, the machine will do the work right? Um, not so much. I had a difficult time getting my feet under the bars they were supposed to go under. I thought that was the exercise! Oh I wish. Raise your leg she says. I do. No, really, she says...raise your legs! So now I have to make like a frigging Rockette with 40 pound bags of QuickCrete strapped to her legs! I have to go slow on the way down. No use only feeling pain on the way up right? The magic number was of course 12. I did them.

I hobbled off that machine thrilled that we were done. She'd said those were the only things we were going to do. I was thinking naps, snacks, Jacuzzis. She said OK, let's start back at the beginning. We're going to do 3 sets of all these. WTF??? I swear her eyes glowed red when she said it. I know there was an evil cackle just waiting to spill forth when I was panting too hard to hear it. Around the circuit I went again. Twice more to be exact. I hurt in places I didn't even know I had. At one point she said 'Think of the Biggest Loser'. I stopped what I was doing and said 'This is why I WATCH the Biggest Loser and I'm not ON it!!! I finished that last push up knowing I was really done this time. I was sweating. I was trembling. My legs felt like rubber. I was waiting for my pat on the head. I got it. She did say I did excellent.

Then the evil one said 'OK now we'll work on cardio'!!!!! She put me on the elliptical, set the difficulty to 5, whatever the hell that means. She made sure I was working at 85% of my...hell I don't know, something or other to do with my heart. Told me to do 20 minutes and she'd see me Monday. She left me there to die! I know she did.

I didn't die. I will be there on Monday. I did everything she gave me to do. I'm really proud of myself. I didn't think I could do it and I did.